no more why

"Do they really matter, all the whys? Could all the answers take away the pain, or all the reasons really dry my eyes, though from Heaven’s court? No, I would weep again. My God, You have saved me from Hell’s black abyss; oh, save me now from the tyranny of bitterness!" ~Anonymous

I’ve asked why so many times in the past, "God why did you allow this?" or "God why did it happen that way?" or "God I know in Your power You could have kept me from pain here, why didn’t You?" I’ve looked so hard for these answers before. I’ve tortured myself asking God over and over. It seems like usually He doesn’t answer. Even when He does He never seems to answer the weightier questions, only the smaller, less painful ones. I’ve seen the truth of this quote a few times when God has answered me; the hurt goes on despite the answer. Most of the time though my whys are left unanswered by God.

I think I’m learning though. In the past I’ve been angry at God for not answering me. As if He owed me answers; as if I had a right to demand them of Him. God is so patient with me. He has shown me that He has something better than answers to tortured questions. He knows no answer is enough. In His wisdom I think He allows us to ask and is silent. He’s waiting for us to be silent and trust Him.

God taught me this through the lesson Oral learned in the book Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis. Oral loses her younger sister. After this she spends her life angrily blaming God and searching for meaning, asking why her younger sister had to be taken from her. The book is written in the first person as Oral’s memoir by the end she’s found the answer. "I ended my first book with the words ‘no answer.’ I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice? Only words, words...."

It sounds funny at first when you read it but it’s so true. Since reading that I’ve been asking God to give me that attitude and teach me to look into His eyes for answers. He’s drawn me close and melted away those horrible, torturing whys in His love. In His wisdom He withholds answers that will not even begin to dim the pain. Instead He patiently waits for us to give in and come to Him so He can take us in His arms, chase away the questions, and heal us in His love.