freindships

My relationships are going through a very strange time. There have been several times in the past few months when I've wanted to entirely give up on friendship in general with most people. I guess I've been frustrated. For a very long time. And I'm tired of trying and trying to be friends with people and feeling like I'm banging my poor little heart against a smiling stone wall.

I have been angry lately and have quit caring little by little over the past four or five months. Totally frustrated with trying. Strangely, my relationships seem to be getting better. It's kinda bizarre. I get frustrated and decide to stop caring and quit trying to be friends and as a result, a lot of my relationships improve. I've also made a few new friends this winter. I wouldn't have guessed it.

I think one of the reasons why things are going better is that, for the most part, I've stopped groveling for friendship. In the recent past I wanted so desperately to be popular. However, popularity is a trap. It's something you have to stay on top of and hold onto. It also isolates people.

I personally have never been popular, but my sister Jacque was known and liked by tons of people at the Honor Academy. She said having so many friends spread her too thin and she ended up having a lot of shallow relationships. (Aside from her accountability group.) That seems to be the rule rather than the exception. Popularity makes it easy to hide behind many shallow relationships. I guess this is why popular people are so lonely. Popularity is a trap in a lot of ways. Maybe I'm just angry, but lately something in me wants to be unpopular and do things because I want to and not give a care if it makes me uncool or rubs people wrong.

I think what I'm going through is okay. Yea, I'm angry and generally this is not the emotion of choice for good little Christian girls, but I think I'm learning important things about confidence, relationships, and popularity and such.

It's been a strange ride lately....