23

So, it's my birthday. Last year I was pretty excited about my birthday. Well, I guess I'm still not as old as I should be because I think I was even more excited this year. ;)

Last night during my time with God I came up with a new birthday's eve tradition. Last year I said I was excited because I felt like God was going to do a lot in my life. Well He did so I took my journal and reviewed my 22nd year. I wrote out what God did in my life month by month for the whole year. It was great. I wrote all the things He did and the challenges that He helped me face. Here's a short version.

• I took an art class and started drawing again and made a visual journal. This is important because I had kinda quit drawing and it's a huge way I express myself. God also sometimes speaks to me and helps me untangle problems when I express them visually.
• I was feeling really stuck spiritually, super frustrated, and wondering if any of it had been real. I made this collage and through it God showed me that my walk with Him had been real. It sounds silly but this was the thing I needed to move forward.
• I had what is probably one of the biggest turning points in my life in a Catholic church in Paris. God basically told me that we could be reconciled and that He is my father. I ended up sobbing and hugging this priest I'd never met who was blowing on me. Crazy, but it changed everything.
• God asked me to take a vow not to date for six months (even though I already wasn't, I think it just gave me the security I needed) so that He could reset some really bad ideas I have about relationships with guys. I think God has done a lot in this area, I still talk tough but I'm not so afraid and consequently my friendships with most of the guys around me have gotten better. I've also, more recently, become a lot more merciful towards those who like me a little too much.
• In November some friends and I took a vow to spend 70 minuets with God a day for 70 days. This has been super. Especially in the middle of a busy semester, it's kept me disciplined.

So that's the really, really short version. God's done so much in me this year (especially since that Catholic church in May), it's been a little hard to keep up at times. There's still a lot to change but at least this year I feel like I'm moving forward. And what does God have tomorrow? I think it's gonna be good.

frustrations with grace

This semester is so busy for me, almost overwhelming. I have a bad habit of biting off more than I can chew. :s Oh well, the unnecesary challenges I seem unable (unwilling?) to avoid make my life more interesting.

Immanuel Fellowship has been talking about grace and sanctification for about a month now. It was the focus of the retreat we had in October, been talked about on Sundays both before and after the retreat, and we’ve been talking about it a lot in housechurches. It’s been really good stuff, the grace to come to God after you’ve screwed up and the grace to stop sinning have been the main things talked about.

For me though it’s been really frustrating. When I was little I used to have this toy. It was similar to a hard, hollow, plastic ball, only it had all these holes cut in it. The holes were all different shapes, there was a star-shaped hole, a square hole, a diamond hole….you get the picture. The point of the toy was for the little kid to learn shapes by fitting these blocks through the holes, there was a star-shaped block, a square block, a diamond block….you get the picture. The thing about this toy is that the star-shaped block only fit through the star-shaped hole, the square block only fit the square hole, and the diamond block only fit the dimond hole. I watched this toy frustrate many a small child in my mother’s daycare. The little ones always thought that they could get the blocks to go through just any old hole.

Why am I talking about this childhood toy? Because this toy has a lot to do with my frustration over the concept of grace. See I feel like my little heart has all these different shaped holes cut into it. The really agrivating thing is that somewhere along the way someone forgot to cut me a grace-shaped hole. So I can see grace and I understand it with my mind but my heart has no way to allow it in. Another way of putting it is that I feel like a man blind from birth. I could read books upon books about colors but never really have any idea of what they actually are or what it feels like to see a painting so beautiful that it takes your breath away. So I’m frustrated and feeling a little desperate.

last night

Tonight the housechurch had a game and prayer night as our last time together as one housechurch. We played worst case scenarios. My team was badly trounced. Then Mike, who had decided to join us tonight, took some time to talk to us about what we’re doing and our vision.

After Mike’s talk the two new housechurches that will be starting next week prayed for each other. This is the first time I’ve been involved in a housechurch multiplication. Even though we’ve been planning it for quite awhile now actually splitting is kinda weird. Half of these people that I’ve been with as a housechurch for a long time and now suddenly I won’t see them quite as often. As a larger church we do a lot together but it will still be different not being in a housechurch together.

In a way it’s a little sad. I know from experience that all those relationships will change. I’m not naturally a person who always takes changes in relationships very easily. I don’t exactly make friends very quickly; nor do I let them go easily. It seems like a peace of my heart is always taken when a friend leaves.

At the same time though, I see the vision and the reasons we multiply. I think it’s a cool example of God’s grace, how we can go through changes as a church, allowing new people to become a part, watching people leave, and still remain open to relationships. I also look forward to the adventure of starting something new…

someday

Stop the presses!

I just realized that in the year 2060 I will be 77 years old. That is sooo far away - like 54 years away. Seventy-seven seems impossible. I'll never be 77, what are you talking about Jennifer? The oldest I can imagine myself being is about 32, unmarried, and of course no kids. The thought of being 77 having been married and possibly a kid or two (but those kids would be adults by then) is so weird. It hurts my brain to think about it. Like not that is scares me at all it's just so foreign, like trying to think about infinity. I can't quite get my head around this thought. Maybe cause I've never really thought about being as old as 77 before today. It's crazyiness! I am not going to feel young and immortal forever. My life on earth will get old and end someday. Like I knew that but I hadn't really thought about it like this before. So very odd.

Another odd thing. So I told Marie about this strange revelation. What does she tell me? She tells me that March, little March who I went to school with when she was 13 and I was 18, is now 18 and married! March is married! I haven't seen her since she was 13 and so her being married is so weird. Not only that, but when I got on Myspace to see a picture of her (I didn't know she had Myspace and haven't seen a pic since she moved away) I discovered that her older brother who's my age has a kid! Benjamin having a kid is also very strange.

So between attending the weddings of two good friends, finding out March is married, learning that Benjamin has a kid, and realizing that someday I'll be 77, I am have a really trippy day.

Life is so bizarre.

Hannah & Erick

Hannah and Erick got married today. I'm sooo happy for them. They are two people who have a whole lot of my respect. Their whole relationship was a great example of purity for all of us singles.

Hannah used to disciple Becka and I in this little group we called a life group. She had us reading and memorizing; I loved it. The two of them used to say that because I, on no uncertain terms, did not want to ever get married that I would be the first to get married. I strongly disagreed of course. Well, that was when I was 16, now I'm 22 and I say, "HA! I was not the first to get married!" As you can see I haven't matured much. :P Well, maybe I've matured a little, I may be slightly more willing to get married one of these days - as long as it's not too soon. However, that little thought might be from the romance of seeing two good friends get married in the same week so don't tell anyone I said that and don't quote me. ;)

My gloating done, (don't you just love being right?) I've got to move on to other things. Hannah had Bill and her older brother Joel speak during the ceremony. It was very sweet having her brother do the exchanging of rings and vows part. Her dad did the part where he pronounces them husband and wife and said, "you may now kiss the bride." Then there was a reception during which it snowed the whole time which was lovely and romantic. The place was very well decorated. ;) Our work this week paid off. There was dancing. Sacha and Jacque taught me some steps and danced with me, so did Marie and Angela. Then I got to use them because for the first time ever a boy, Juan, actually asked me to dance with him. Juan is a good dancer and had the patience to teach me how to dance as we went along. He also didn't seem to mind too much when I stepped on his shoes with my heels.

Then Hannah and Erick were off, escaping into her car as we all threw bird seed at them. (Strange tradition.) The car had to have a few inches of snow brushed off of it and then the were off, very slowly because there was a lot of snow on the ground and they don't have 4-wheel drive. But they were off to the honeymoon and the rest of us were left to clean up the lovely wedding mess....

storms and a promise

Ok, so today I have that rare bit of time for my blog. Crazy when that happens. I just switched to Beta and was exploring and I got to looking at all my old posts in the post editing section. I only read a few and mostly only looked over the old titles and drafts. Wow, God’s been crazy faithful to me these last couple of years. I haven’t exactly deserved it; none of us do though I guess.

It’s a good reminder for me these days. Life’s been a bit too much lately. I’m taking nine credits and working full time and I’m beginning to wonder what I’ve gotten myself into this semester. I’m feeling more relationally challenged than usual because I’m mad at the whole world (almost) and I don’t know why. Not knowing why I’m mad makes me mad. :p In a shift of responsibilities at work over the last month and a half I’ve taken on a few more chores than I had before. Office work is not my specialty to begin with and now I’m usually doing several things at once and always messing at least one of them up. My brain feels like it’s gonna melt. Some days after work I go home, go to my room and cry because I’m so stressed. My friends probably all think I’m mad at them. : (

But God has been teaching me some important stuff.

Mostly I’m learning about love – and how bad I am at it. God doesn’t love like I do. I tend to wait for people to love and make me feel accepted first. Then I’m willing to love back. My love is timid and His is not. Leadership needs to be first loving and serving. I’m not a very good leader because I’m very demanding and needy when it comes to feeling loved. God’s been telling me that this just means that I need to run to Him more and find my security there. I really need to love people more like God does. I’m shockingly bad at this (well maybe not shockingly bad; I just wanted to use that word, it’s a very dramatic word), but the good news is that God wouldn’t be showing me this unless He wanted me to grow.

So storms today but a promise tomorrow…..

emily's wedding

Emily and Walter got married today. It was a cute little small wedding. One violin for music. Emily looked so pretty in her dress. Everything was simple. I really liked the way they did it. For the reception we hung out around a campfire while it tried to snow. I'm super happy for them and praying for God to bless their decision to get married. It's crazy having your friends getting married and seeing them so happy. (I love seeing my friends happy but the married part is a bit wierd.) Especiallly for schoolmates like Emily. Emily was great to be in school with. She's really out-going and always make me laugh. I'm glad she married a guy like Walter who laughs easily and often. The're so cute. :D

leaders retreat

We had our housechurch leaders retreat this week. That’s not exactly the best way to describe it because many of us (including myself) are technically not housechurch leaders. However, for lack of a better, trendier emerging churchish lable, I’ll be calling this the housechurch leaders retreat. :p

I really look forward to this retreat. The housechurch leaders are fairly close-knit group. This year we had three new couples with us, which was cool. We spent some time talking about being culturally relevant and still following God. Then Mike gave us a church history lesson of the last forty years. It’s interesting; historically waves of revival in the church always bring some change. Usually some people find that change hard to accept. As we talked about church movements that have taken place in the last forty years I thought of what would be hard for me to accept. Hmmm…… I’d never want to be someone who stood against anything God did. I quietly asked God to keep me listening to Him and keep me flexible.

We also studied 1 Thessalonians 2:3-12. It’s an example of how Paul approached his responsibility towards people as a leader. It had a lot to say about love and humility. That was the part that stuck out and convicted me the most. I need to love people. God’s done a lot in me this last six months or so. Six months ago I was too burnt and bitter to hear something like “love people.” God’s been speaking to me a lot about having Christ-like love for people around me regardless of weather or not they love me back. I’m not very good at loving so I’ve been asking God to change me a lot these last few months.

julie

My smallest, small sister got baptized today. Dad and Doug, the pastor of their church, baptized her in a very cold little river. So did her friend Molly. Julie is 9 and Molly is 10. That's kinda cool for them to be baptized together.

I wonder what God has for Julie. What will she do when she grows up, what will she study in college, or what does He have for her this coming school year? How will he continue to get her attention and teach her about Him like He has been doing?

I'm always amazed at how God can relate to anyone of any age. It's like He speaks your language. Not just your language English, Spanish, or French. But He can speak to you in a way that you understand. Like I guess, I'm just awed at how someone as big and important as God just gets us, each one of us, and if we let Him will communicate His love in a way our hearts can understand. Who is like Him?

joanie visits

So every year Teen Mania's interns have to come to Colorado and climb this mountain not too far from my parents' house. We all went to see Joanie before she climbs it tomorrow. It was strange. Here she is all grown up and has come to visit us with all her intern friends. I don't think it's completely sunk in that she's gone yet. So odd. Yep, definitely like wearing shoes made of jello.

blood drive

I gave blood today ..... not good.

I've done it before and been fine. Today I wasn't in a good mood or, well, not being very brave and trusting of God with a certain area of my life that He's been asking for. So I wasn't feeling very brave about having a needle stuck in my arm and losing a pint of blood.

Ok, what's wrong with my little human mind? I know that God created the universe and can do anything, why is it so hard to trust Him with my struggles? Things were easier when I was fifteen. God said jump and I did. Now I gotta analyze everything.....

nomads

Jacque, her friend Becky from the Honor Academy, Pistachio, and I went on a little road trip. We went from Texas to Nebraska, the scenery was amazing. Just kidding, it was less than amazing, but there was this pretty storm which gave way to a nice sunset. You can see pictures of this exciting adventure here. We showed up at Kayla’s house late (I think we did it in 13 hours) and she now calls us her nomads. I like it.

We went to Nebraska to visit another friend from the Honor Academy, Kayla. It just so happens that Kayla is my long-lost twin. We have the exact same birthday but somehow don’t manage to look much like sisters. I liked my long-lost twin, she’s really fun and hyper. We went car camping with Kayla’s church. (And wow, Nebraskan car-camping makes Coloradan car-camping look like a wilderness excursion. They had showers, microwaves, and flush toilets.) While being introduced to Kayla’s church I yet again had to fall back on, “Hi, my name is Jennifer and I did not go to the Honor Academy.” Over and over. Yeesh, I’m starting to feel like I’ve enrolled myself in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Then our Grandparents came to pick us up and took us to their house, also in Nebraska. We spent a lot of time sewing, watching musicals, and I am attempting to teach myself how to juggle. So far no luck. :p

teen mania

My sister Jacque graduated from the Honor Academy and my parents flew us all down there for the occasion. (This is why the blog has been silent, between finals and leaving for Texas the next morning I’ve had no time.) The night before her graduation there was a formal dinner where all the interns were presented with their honor rings. They have a commitment to each other to live their lives with honor. The second day was her actual graduation.

A lot of Teen Mania types did a lot of talking about living your whole life for God and living to honor His name no matter what He calls you to. It was great; I used to go on mission trips every summer with them. Hearing all those familiar people talk about living for God brings back great memories and was also rather convicting. I don’t think holiness is as high a priority to me as it was then. God’s been pointing this out to me lately as I read through the Old Testament.

Then we spent a nice week at my Aunt’s house in Dallas before we took Joanie to the Honor Academy. Between the two of them graduating from and just starting out in the Honor Academy and meeting so many new people – all going to the Honor Academy - I began introducing myself as, “Hi my name is Jennifer and I’m not going to the Honor Academy.” This introduction won me some odd looks from the people I met. :p

((it’s a very strange feeling leaving your almost-babiest-baby-sister at a campus for a year; kinda like having your feet incased in jello shoes))

camping

One of my favorite times of year just passed: Immanuel Fellowship's annual camping trip. I really like camping. It's so relaxing in a mildly adventurous sort of way. I love being out in nature 24/7.

As always, it was a very nice break from the world of jobs and school. I spent most of my time this year with Marie, Mike, Mark, and Sacha. Mark has been freinds with Mike since highschool. Sacha is his daughter. They are super fun to hang out with and they make me very hyper. Probably because they laugh when I'm trying to be funny. (I need that.) I laugh at everyone's jokes so I return the favor. ;)

God showed me a lot of things on this camping trip. Mark shared about suffering and God's love. It was really good. I hadden't thought about how the two go together. I realized that God has been teaching me this, I just hadden't noticed yet. The things he talked about made me cry (luckily where I was I could turn my head so no one would see). This would be only the second time I've cried during a church gathering. Didn't want to get caught. :p

God also showed me some things about relationships because Mike shared about that one night. (Too secret to tell.) And of course the anual orienteering race. Always fun. Mike put a four-hour time limit on it this year, probably because my team took seven hours last year and worried everyone. Anyway, grand as always, never a dissapointment.

bubbles

I just found the coolest thing: Virtual Bubbles. Remember that bubble-wrap stuff you used to stomp on when you were a kid? Well, now those of us luky enough to live in the Information Age can play with the stuff online! You can get it here, enjoy. : )

spanglish

Marie, Magali, and I got together this morning to read to each other. We read Psalms 1,2, and 3. Magali, who's first language is Spanish, read to us in English, and we read to her in Spanish. We're trying to help each other learn to read our second languages better. Marie and I definitely have the easier side of it! Written English is so confusing. Whoever came up with the rules for writing and reading English ought to be ashamed of themselves. Spanish, on the other hand, is very nice. All the words look on paper just like they sound, and the language seems to follow it's own rules better. We ran into quite a few hard-to-pronounce words in both languages. It was great laughing at ourselves and our languages. English spelling, arg.....

Anyway, I stayed at Magali's house after Marie left for work. Since we're fairly close to the same level of proficiency in each other's languages we had a great conversation in Spanglish. (I really enjoy mixing languages in a conversation. Though, I admit the reason I enjoy mixing is probably because the only language I'm truly fluent in is English.) We talked for a couple of hours about what we see God doing in Immanuel Fellowship, how He answers prayers, and God's faithfulness. We are both seeing a deeper desire in everyone to serve. It's much easier to get help moving, putting together a dinner, help with the soup kitchen, or whatever than it was a year or two ago. I've heard other people say the same sort of things. A lot of people in the church have been through some hard things the last few years and are coming out more mature. There's this deepening hunger to follow God. A lot of it is in answer to prayers. Magali prays for the church a lot, she always has. I also used to spend a lot of time praying for us as a church. It was really encouraging hearing her talk about all the prayers she is seeing answered. Magali says that God never forgets and He's always faithful. I'm reminded of many I've seen answered too. It's humbling....

Not that everything's all roses around here. However, I think God is slowly teaching me that life will always be a mixed bag, and I can't disregard the beauty of the roses because I get pricked by a thorne. As I left Magali's house today I felt so encouraged to trust God with everything in my life and to pray and seek how we can serve Him more as a church. I hope someday God makes me like that, and when people are done talking to me they leave wanting to know and serve God better.

unhindered 2006

Well as usual Unhindered did not disappoint. I always feel like I come away with fresh vision, and new hope that God actually can use me. I think this is my favorite of the yearly events we have as a church.

Friday Mike talked about dying to ourselves. Unfortunately, I had a long, tense day on Friday. My mind was quite gone so I just ran the soundboard and didn’t hear much of it. I’ll have to get this one downloaded onto my ipod and try again. :s

Saturday was great. I watched Veggie Tales with the kids during the morning session, went on a hike in the rain, and practiced for the drama we had planned.

Isaac spoke for the first part of the evening. He talked about being in the world but not of it, and about the balance between engaging the world and having friends outside the church and just blending in with everyone else and losing your saltiness. What Isaac shared kept me on the edge of my seat because he spoke more clearly on it than I think I’ve ever heard anyone do. He gave us two very good questions to ask ourselves. When was the last time I had a significant spiritual conversation with someone outside of the church? When was the last time someone hated me because of Jesus? I liked how he said to ask the two together, we can’t be off in our own world and leave the lost to rot, however we have to be salt and light and Jesus said people would hate us because of Him. I can’t quite explain it but the two questions make me feel both more responsible to reach out and freer to be myself and be real about my relationship with Jesus. I really hope this will translate to my friends at school and at work.

Then we did the Obsession drama. It’s a bit hard to explain if you haven’t seen it; it integrates spoken lines, dance, and video, all set to the song Obsession by Delirious?. It’s about wanting to follow Jesus, settling for no less than real commitment to all that means, and being willing to suffer for Him. This drama always impacts me. Strangely the impact of it always comes during the actual performance, when I’m saying my lines and really meaning them (during practice I’m only acting) and praying that God would truly make the message of the drama the cry of my heart.

After this we had a time of silence so that people could silently talk with God about the drama. (This one always hits hard.) Then Joel stepped up because it was his turn to speak. I couldn’t imagine what he would say to follow up on the drama. He started talking about the Holy Spirit and how we need Him to fill our lives if we want to reach the world. We need the change He brings and His guidance if we are going to live any of what we’ve been talking about. Joel has one of the most gentle and sincere speaking styles I’ve heard. Though he speaks loud enough, he has this way of drawing you in like a whisper does. For the second time Saturday I was on the edge of my seat. This is something God’s been saying to me for awhile - since I was in Paris. We ended the night all sitting on the floor at the front quietly praying for each other and asking God to help us give Him all the things that hold us back from Him. It wasn’t a planned time, it just sort of happened when Mike said that he felt like four or five of us needed prayer and practically everyone came up.

Today Mike talked about spiritual disciplines and how to continue in what God had spoken to us. We prayed that God would help us live what we learned and talked about this weekend. We also prayed for the elections happening in Mexico today and that God would bless that nation with a wise president who can help strengthen that country and lead it forward.

asking

God told me something cool this week.

So I used to believe that God wanted to be close to me more than I wanted to be close to Him. So I knew that if I prayed and asked Him to bring me close and to teach me who He is He would. I prayed this prayer and I saw God do it. When I was a teenager and I heard people saying they wanted a better relationship with God, that's what I'd tell them to do too.

Well the last couple of years have been rather hard, and I think I quit believing that. It's easy to feel like I've gone hopelessly backwards. Very frustrating feeling. But (hurray!) in May God was so amazing! He helped me through a lot of the struggles I was having with Him. Questions remain, but I am no longer feeling crippled by them.

So what did God tell me this week? I was asking Him to restore what we had. Then He reminded me that He still wants to be close, and He values the friendship we had when I was 18. He reminded me that He has the power to change my heart and bring me close again and let me know Him in a new and deeper way. I'm so excited. :D My relationship with God used to be so real and amazing, and it will be again.

God help me drop anything that would hold me back from chasing You...

church, school & work

Basically at the moment the only things in my life are church, school, and work, but someone requested I post so I'll try. I guess with fame there is a public to please. :p

So as a church things seem to going pretty well at the moment. People are pretty envisioned for missions since our trip to France. It was great seeing people pulling together on both sides of the Atlantic to pray for France and seek God's heart for that nation. We have a guest from Saint-Germain staying with us now, Pierre-Elie. You can see his picture here. Well, technically he's staying with the Phillips but is is also a guest of the whole church. It's been fun hanging out with him. We're also getting ready for our Unhindered, our annual missions conference. (Conference is not the right word exactly, it feels more like a retreat except we stay in Frisco.) I'm excited about this year, it sounds like it's going to be good as usual. I always come away from Unhindered very envisioned to live my faith in a deeper way. Personally, this is the yearly Immanuel Fellowship event where God always speaks the most to me.

School, well I'm taking eight credits this summer (and working full time so the blog may end up taking a back seat, I'm busier than I was expecting to be) I'm taking speech, humanities 1, and a landscape painting class. So far I'm really liking humanities and art class. I've never felt very good at doing landscapes and so I tend to get bored with them. However, I feel like I'm getting much better at painting in this class. I'm a bit surprised because I didn't have much painting experience at all. It makes me really want to make a career out of art, I like it so much. I really need to decide what it is I'm going to college for, and what I want to study.....but that's a whole new post.

Work is the same as always. I was a secretary when I was 16 and I was so bored that I promised myself that I'd never do it again and here I am doing it. I paid more than Gap and had better benefits, so what can I say, single girl's gotta make a living. I'm a bit frustrated because I've almost been here a year and I'm still constantly messing up. Office work is not my nitch in life. I feel like more trouble than I'm worth, but fortunately the doctor I work for never fires anyone so I guess I'm not going anywhere.

So, to the person who requested that I post, there's my life for the summer, going fairly well I'd say. No worries, I'll try to make time for blogging; I rather like it. ;)

((I'd like to thank all three readers of my blog, and whoever left that comment, you make me feel loved.))

i did not die

I have wonderful news: I did not die in speech class last night. Surprised? Not half as much as I am.

Let me explain, speech class has been my arch nemesis since I was twelve and it was a required class in the private school I attended part time for three years. It was required every year without mercy. Being the super-shy kid with hideously crooked teeth that I was .... well you can imagine, it was my worst nightmare all year long. 8(

As bad as making speeches actually are there is one kind of speech that stands far below the rest and that is telling my life story. Or telling my testimony, as we Christians like to call it. Arg, I do despise it. Every single time it very bad, really boring, and quite embarrassing. (Okay, so once it went alright but that was a one-time freak occurrence.) I definitely freak-out more telling my own life story than when I talk about anything else.

So today's assignment was to tell about ourselves - to a room full of strangers. (Icky it's bad enough doing it with people I know.) Well maybe I cheated a little because I just told a short story about when I was on a mission trip to Hong Kong. Even so, I completely quit breathing just practicing in the hallway. Not a good sign. I did a little better during the actual speech; I was careful to pause and breath. Though I did everything else wrong; breathing kept me from passing out.