I’ve been sick this week. I got sent home from work, and I’m still not well enough to go back yet. Whatever I have leaves me wired so that I can’t get to sleep very easily. It’s been a good time to read.
For Christmas I got a book called Safely Home. It’s a fictional book about two roommates who are reunited in China after 20 years. The American has become a successful businessman, the other returned to China and gave up his dreams so that he could serve Jesus there. The book is very well researched and it’s one of those that’s very hard to put down. I’m beginning to think I should have put it on my seven best books list I made a few days ago.
At the same time it’s kind of a painful read for me. It’s already made me cry twice and I‘m little over half-way through. (I can count on one hand the books that have made me cry.) When I was a teen I read the book Jesus Freaks, a collection of true stories of people who’ve died for their faith. It inspired me to want to give everything for Jesus, even to be willing to die. I knew that as a Westerner it was not very likely that I would ever be on the wrong end of a gun with someone commanding me to deny Jesus. I knew it was unlikely that I would ever be beaten or see any of my friends killed for Jesus’ name. Unlikely, but not impossible. Yet even if I never faced such a test I prayed for the love to be able to. After all, Jesus said that the greatest commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. If that kind of love is impossible for a Westerner who may never face such tests, than God wouldn’t have asked it. He asked it, so there must be a way even in the relative safety of my country. It was one of my most frequent prayers.
If the last couple years have been a test than I’ve failed miserably. I have lost for taking a stand and choosing not to be swayed or turned from where I feel God has called me to be. Have I lost everything? There have been moments of self-pity where I have thought so. In reality, no I have not come near to losing everything. Some relationships have changed or been lost which has hurt. Looking back I have not been the hero I had spent so much time praying I’d be. I have not suffered loss joyful to be worthy of suffering for Jesus. About as far as you could go in the opposite direction actually. I haven’t quit or run away, but that’s God’s doing, not mine. It’s been a very discouraging discovery that I would not have what it takes.
However, the book is also very encouraging. The Chinese man, Li Quan, was the son of an illegal pastor. He too faced a test and failed. His father was imprisoned and killed for his faith, his mother died in an earthquake. He became an atheist. Amazingly he gets the opportunity to go to college in America where his roommate is a Christian. Li Quan is reunited with the Jesus his parents gave all to serve. He goes back to China after college and is imprisoned many times for his faith. Speaking of Quan someone in the book states that, “Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward. But properly learned, the lesson forever changes the man.” Though Li Quan’s actions are heroic in my book, he is scared when he’s about to be beaten and he never claims to be a brave man. He is human. Though he still feels the guilt of abandoning his parents as they suffered, he does his best with his second chance. If you asked Quan if he has what it takes to face the persecution he faces, he would proabably say no. He'd say that it's Jesus who keeps him going. Li Quan failed but the world didn't end there and so I’ll be praying that prayer again.....
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3 comments:
Hmm... thanks for posting this Jennifer. you were really open and vulnerable there.
Remember that your life is just beginning, and that God is very excited about you. :D :D He has great plans 4 u
Maybe the purpose of the "test" of the past couple of years was to learn the lesson that it's always Jesus (not your great courage) who keeps you from quiting or running away or being destroyed. He sees--He knows your heart. He knows you are weak (as we all are). His grace and love aren't there because you are strong or a hero, but because you have chosen to follow Him, because you have responded to Him with faith. That faith qualifies you to be "reckoned righteous." You are one of His beloved children, and He doesn't abandon His child. He's there watching, sharing your pain, leading you even in the darkest time when you don't FEEL anything but pain and grief. And He knows He will lead you to joy, in time. It won't always be dark and difficult, though there will be seasons that are difficult. Just remember that the goal is not to become a superhero, just to be a human who loves and follows where He leads, confident that Jesus will keep you going.
If that's your ambition (and it's a good one: following Jesus and all that) then there's always time. If you achieve all the things you want in life (re: list), you'll make it anyway. Now could well be a time of training, or now could just be the right time to open a new door. Ask God for small opportunities to step out for Him.
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