till we have faces

I finished reading Till We Have Faces today. For the fourth time. It’s that good. It was C.S. Lewis’ favorite of all the books he wrote. I completely agree. (Agreeing with people as smart as him is a sign of smartness I think.) Like a lot of his fiction, this is a book that gives something new with every read.

I tend to read this book when I’m getting bitter and depressed. Yea, that’s been the story for about a month or more now. However, I don’t think it’s all bad. I’ve been very introspective and God has been teaching me a lot. As for the bitterness, well sometimes you have to admit (let yourself be real) that you are upset before you can do anything about it. But that’s another post entirely.

Back to the subject at hand. I read this book because the main character, Oral is very hurt and bitter. With the exception of her sharp temper, the two of us are a lot alike. We both respond to hurts by building walls around our hearts and making resolutions not to let anyone in, but pretend to be okay. She is also ugly and unwanted. Though I am physically pretty I tend to feel the same as her on the inside. Unlikable and unwanted. However, Oral becomes a very good queen and is loved by her people. She pretends to love back but is so consumed with feeling unloved that she can never really allow herself to be loved. Then at the end of her life she discovered that all the things that had made her bitter had been exactly what she would’ve asked for if she had been able to see things from the perspective of the gods with whom she was angry.

I felt like I understood the end of the book this time, and it made me cry for the first time, sob really. She spent so much of her life desperate for love yet completely unable to give or receive it. In her desperation to be loved she describes herself as a huge spider devouring everyone around her. I feel the same desperation in me, though I am too timid to assert myself like her when I feel rejected. I’ve also been seeing lately how the hard stuff that happened in my life a few years ago has been good. I’ve learned things and been freed in ways through it that would’ve taken years and years to do otherwise. Maybe some of the change never would’ve happened at all. Another commonality with Oral, except I get to learn it a lot younger.