where i go

I'm afraid to trust You
Take me and teach me
Who are You beyond religion?
Beyond our institutions
And tidy answers?

I fear Your power, love and mystery
I don't understand Your ways
Take me to the wild wilderness
And let me see Your thunder

Take my identity
Give me a name only we know
Take my dreams and direction
Let me wonder aimless
If it means I go with You

I don't want religion's safety games
Keep the labels and recognition away
I have failed You in everything
And I'm too tired and scared
To ever wish to play again
Take me somewhere I can trust

May my broken heart be Yours
Though I haven't the strength to give it
Let me learn the quiet of Your love...

freindships

My relationships are going through a very strange time. There have been several times in the past few months when I've wanted to entirely give up on friendship in general with most people. I guess I've been frustrated. For a very long time. And I'm tired of trying and trying to be friends with people and feeling like I'm banging my poor little heart against a smiling stone wall.

I have been angry lately and have quit caring little by little over the past four or five months. Totally frustrated with trying. Strangely, my relationships seem to be getting better. It's kinda bizarre. I get frustrated and decide to stop caring and quit trying to be friends and as a result, a lot of my relationships improve. I've also made a few new friends this winter. I wouldn't have guessed it.

I think one of the reasons why things are going better is that, for the most part, I've stopped groveling for friendship. In the recent past I wanted so desperately to be popular. However, popularity is a trap. It's something you have to stay on top of and hold onto. It also isolates people.

I personally have never been popular, but my sister Jacque was known and liked by tons of people at the Honor Academy. She said having so many friends spread her too thin and she ended up having a lot of shallow relationships. (Aside from her accountability group.) That seems to be the rule rather than the exception. Popularity makes it easy to hide behind many shallow relationships. I guess this is why popular people are so lonely. Popularity is a trap in a lot of ways. Maybe I'm just angry, but lately something in me wants to be unpopular and do things because I want to and not give a care if it makes me uncool or rubs people wrong.

I think what I'm going through is okay. Yea, I'm angry and generally this is not the emotion of choice for good little Christian girls, but I think I'm learning important things about confidence, relationships, and popularity and such.

It's been a strange ride lately....

experement

Marie and I did an experement today. It was inspired by Jacquie's day as a Muslim girl in Nebraska. My sister did not get a very good response from the general populace of her small town. You can read about her day here.

Marie and I went shopping in Denver and decided to try it. We're both olive skinned with dark brown eyes and hair. Perfect. We knew going into it that in Denver we'd probably would not get much of a response at all. This turned out to be true, aside from the fun and novelty of going out dressed as Muslim girls, (and getting to see what it feels like to go around veiled) nothing really happened. Everyone acted normal.

The only weird look we got was when we were in Borders and bought postmodern christian books. I suppose that is a bit unusual. We also attracted the attention of a Turkish guy who thought we were Turkish girls. (Oops.) And got into an interesting discussion with an Israeli girl who had moved to America to escape the violence in the Middle East.

Anyway, it's good to see that not everyone in America is weird about race; we've still got a ways to go, but there's hope for us.

new friend

I just got back from eating crepes (made by real francophone's, I got to speak French) in Breckenridge with a girl who's half Italian, half polish, and her parents were converts to Hinduism. So her name is Menache, like the Hindu goddess. She's very interesting.

The funny thing is, despite our different religious backgrounds we have a lot in common. Her parents, being converts to Hinduism were very Hindu. It's the same as when Christians convert at an older age, everything becomes all about the new religion and getting out of the world. I've noticed second-generation Christians tend to put more focus on being just as genuinely spiritual but try to find a less religious way to go about it all. Anyway, as a result of her parents' conversion Mena was homeschooled, like I was mostly until 10Th grade.

I had a great time eating crepes with her. We talked about the strangeness of homeschooling, not really fitting in to our homeschooling groups, being allowed to travel the world without our parents at a young age, finding our way in college, religion, being sheltered, cultural sensitivity, learning languages, and the movie Mean Girls that we understand since it is about, you guessed it, a homeschooler who has to survive a public high school.

Sadly Mena is in Physician's Assistant school and is only here on rotation for a few weeks. Luckily we were born into the age of the Internet. ;)

beads & new shoes

I finally got a much needed new pair of new running shoes. I think I used my old ones about twice as long as you're supposed to and they were falling apart inside. This makes for very uncomfortable running. Tonight was my first run in awhile.

Then Marie and I spent the evening with the house to ourselves making earrings and talking. Our friendship has had a rough couple of years. A few months ago though things were getting better, we decided to just kinda back off from eachother. Somehow that time took the pressure off and now we're closer than we ever were in the past.

Seems like we hang out all the time and never get tired of eachother. We're both in one of those slightly confusing times when you grow and change a lot. The great thing is that God's teaching us simmilar things lately which is cool because we can talk any time and usually we're completly on the same page. It's lovely that God's letting us grow together like this. I wonder if our friendship is a little bit of what community is supposed to be like.

new side of grace

I think I've learned a lot about grace these last few months. A few months ago I said I was frustrated with it. Possibly part of my frustration was because I saw grace as the means to become perfect. If a person is not clearly on the path to becoming perfect than that is a sign grace is not operating in their life.

While I still believe that grace helps us grow, I'm seeing a new side of it. Grace is also the strength to live with your weaknesses without being stresses over perfection. It's what keeps you from discouragement when you don't seem to be growing. (Hey, who feels like their growing all the time?) It's knowing God loves you and accepts you where you are. It's the ability to be merciful towards yourself when you fail.

I really feel like I'm just beginning to come to grips with this. It's okay to struggle, I don't have to be super-christian, have all the answers, or be on everyone's good side. I'm allowed to have bad days - even be depressed and I don't have to get all bent out of shape over it. God won't stop loving me, but in order for me to realize that I have to be gracious towards myself just like He is. This has been finally hitting home this last few weeks and it's like I can breathe. I'm hoping this lesson sticks.

till we have faces

I finished reading Till We Have Faces today. For the fourth time. It’s that good. It was C.S. Lewis’ favorite of all the books he wrote. I completely agree. (Agreeing with people as smart as him is a sign of smartness I think.) Like a lot of his fiction, this is a book that gives something new with every read.

I tend to read this book when I’m getting bitter and depressed. Yea, that’s been the story for about a month or more now. However, I don’t think it’s all bad. I’ve been very introspective and God has been teaching me a lot. As for the bitterness, well sometimes you have to admit (let yourself be real) that you are upset before you can do anything about it. But that’s another post entirely.

Back to the subject at hand. I read this book because the main character, Oral is very hurt and bitter. With the exception of her sharp temper, the two of us are a lot alike. We both respond to hurts by building walls around our hearts and making resolutions not to let anyone in, but pretend to be okay. She is also ugly and unwanted. Though I am physically pretty I tend to feel the same as her on the inside. Unlikable and unwanted. However, Oral becomes a very good queen and is loved by her people. She pretends to love back but is so consumed with feeling unloved that she can never really allow herself to be loved. Then at the end of her life she discovered that all the things that had made her bitter had been exactly what she would’ve asked for if she had been able to see things from the perspective of the gods with whom she was angry.

I felt like I understood the end of the book this time, and it made me cry for the first time, sob really. She spent so much of her life desperate for love yet completely unable to give or receive it. In her desperation to be loved she describes herself as a huge spider devouring everyone around her. I feel the same desperation in me, though I am too timid to assert myself like her when I feel rejected. I’ve also been seeing lately how the hard stuff that happened in my life a few years ago has been good. I’ve learned things and been freed in ways through it that would’ve taken years and years to do otherwise. Maybe some of the change never would’ve happened at all. Another commonality with Oral, except I get to learn it a lot younger.

is it okay?

God I don't know where here is
But it seems to be where I'm lost
Am I lost? I don't really know
This place has me confused

Is it okay if I walk through this part?
Can I be afraid, lost, and unsure?
If I stumble here will You lift me?

The times have turned lonely
And all I want to do is hide
Blot out every lost chance at friendship
And pretend my hearts not breaking

Is it okay if I walk through this part?
Can I be hard, withdrawn, and untouchable?
If I stumble here will You lift me?

My past still confusing
My future a grey uncertainty
My dreams are faded to nothing
This heart a bombed-out shell

Is it okay if I walk through this part?
Can I be cynical, moody, and unglued?
If I stumble here will You lift me?

I don't understand this journey
Or why You bring me where You do
Remember that I am dust
Change me as You will

i, nomad

Last semester I took nine credits at my college while working full-time. I did not die doing this which showed me I can do more than I thought. So I’m taking a heavier class load the next couple of semesters and will be able to graduate with my associates a semester sooner than I planned. I’m excited, like bounce-off-the-walls excited.

Not that I don’t like my school, it’s a nice little school, but including the semesters I took off I’ve been here for four years. And it’s a two year school. So, glad to be moving on. I went to take a tour of my new school last week and loved it. The University of Colorado is so cool. It has a huge gym. Again, I’m excited, like run-around-a-gym excited. (Can I be a nerd and laugh at my own really lame joke?)

I think I’m a bit of a nomad. Okay, I’m a nearly hopeless nomadic. I’m the kind who moves into a new place and then gets all bored and itchy to move after about three months. In April I will have been officially renting in Summit county for three years. I’ve lived in the same house all this time, though I’ve changed rooms thrice and had various house-sitting jobs, I think that has helped me a lot. :p

I love living in Summit but I’m ready to move on to Boulder and try new things, I almost can’t wait till August. I’ve already got a growing list of things I have to try or do while I’m there. Maybe I’ll join the sub-varsity track team or learn to play soccer or the guitar or ahh, the possibilities seem endless at the moment, but I’m beginning to ramble. Ta ta.

thoughts

i think i can't wait
the time to live is now
how will i do this life?

the morals they taught me
still ringing in my ears
a harsh scrape
the taste of sour
was it all hypocrisy
or was it an honest attempt?
a mixed bag
not mine to know
who am i?

but i open my windows and look out
past the gilded cages of the west
past the frantic attempts of the fanatics
past the cripple in the streets
the infant just lost to starvation
and the desperate drunk with no home
will i close my eyes?

can i close my eyes to the child prostitute?
the forgotten sweatshop employee
or the desperate saudi housewife?
what about the abandoned baby girl
or the tired teenager considering an abortion?
a boy was just sold into slavery for the price of my jeans
while an african family is shattered by aids
and a successful businessman just killed himself
where do i stand in this mess?

shall i blind myself to a tortured world
while i spend my energy on attaining righteous perfection
meanwhile buying my careful image with blood money?
will i stand before god apologetic in the end
because i wasn't that poster child?
what touches his heart?

what then will i do?
things heat up fast and the time to act
cannot be allowed to pass me by unconscious
something in me wants more than just to keep my balance
in this rapidly changing culture of consumption
what if i didn't live for myself?

"i'm sorry i didn't feed you,
couldn't pause to offer a sip of cold water"
don't let me be caught speaking these words
at the gates of eternity

testimonial

I used to think that internet quizzes were only for the hopelessly bored, then I tried blogthings. It changed my life. Every since I found out that I was a Vissionary Soul I haven't stopped being surprised at my own profoundness. I've become a much better friend because I've been so undertanding, reasonable, and sympathetic. On the down side I've been a little depressed, but I'm a great healer so I get over it. And, best of all, I found an Peacemaker Soul to marry. Isn't that exciting!? Thank you so much blogthings you've changed my life!

Ahem, on to more important things....

I have changed majors again. Yep, back in December. That made twice last year. At least these things don't matter to much at a Jr college. They probably expect this. Well now I'm going for Linguistics. I've always been really interested in this (more than any of the others so far) but had thought it's only use was in museumes working on the Rosetta Stone or for missionaries translating the Bible. In December I discovered that studying linguistics actually has gazoons of uses. This was enough to make me really happy and excited for weeks.

I'm walking in the May graduation, graduating in August, and transferring to CU Boulder in the fall semester. So excited...

Hmmm...

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness. Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connected to your soul. You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable. Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings. You have great vision and can be very insightful. In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself. Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend. You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer. Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

23

So, it's my birthday. Last year I was pretty excited about my birthday. Well, I guess I'm still not as old as I should be because I think I was even more excited this year. ;)

Last night during my time with God I came up with a new birthday's eve tradition. Last year I said I was excited because I felt like God was going to do a lot in my life. Well He did so I took my journal and reviewed my 22nd year. I wrote out what God did in my life month by month for the whole year. It was great. I wrote all the things He did and the challenges that He helped me face. Here's a short version.

• I took an art class and started drawing again and made a visual journal. This is important because I had kinda quit drawing and it's a huge way I express myself. God also sometimes speaks to me and helps me untangle problems when I express them visually.
• I was feeling really stuck spiritually, super frustrated, and wondering if any of it had been real. I made this collage and through it God showed me that my walk with Him had been real. It sounds silly but this was the thing I needed to move forward.
• I had what is probably one of the biggest turning points in my life in a Catholic church in Paris. God basically told me that we could be reconciled and that He is my father. I ended up sobbing and hugging this priest I'd never met who was blowing on me. Crazy, but it changed everything.
• God asked me to take a vow not to date for six months (even though I already wasn't, I think it just gave me the security I needed) so that He could reset some really bad ideas I have about relationships with guys. I think God has done a lot in this area, I still talk tough but I'm not so afraid and consequently my friendships with most of the guys around me have gotten better. I've also, more recently, become a lot more merciful towards those who like me a little too much.
• In November some friends and I took a vow to spend 70 minuets with God a day for 70 days. This has been super. Especially in the middle of a busy semester, it's kept me disciplined.

So that's the really, really short version. God's done so much in me this year (especially since that Catholic church in May), it's been a little hard to keep up at times. There's still a lot to change but at least this year I feel like I'm moving forward. And what does God have tomorrow? I think it's gonna be good.

frustrations with grace

This semester is so busy for me, almost overwhelming. I have a bad habit of biting off more than I can chew. :s Oh well, the unnecesary challenges I seem unable (unwilling?) to avoid make my life more interesting.

Immanuel Fellowship has been talking about grace and sanctification for about a month now. It was the focus of the retreat we had in October, been talked about on Sundays both before and after the retreat, and we’ve been talking about it a lot in housechurches. It’s been really good stuff, the grace to come to God after you’ve screwed up and the grace to stop sinning have been the main things talked about.

For me though it’s been really frustrating. When I was little I used to have this toy. It was similar to a hard, hollow, plastic ball, only it had all these holes cut in it. The holes were all different shapes, there was a star-shaped hole, a square hole, a diamond hole….you get the picture. The point of the toy was for the little kid to learn shapes by fitting these blocks through the holes, there was a star-shaped block, a square block, a diamond block….you get the picture. The thing about this toy is that the star-shaped block only fit through the star-shaped hole, the square block only fit the square hole, and the diamond block only fit the dimond hole. I watched this toy frustrate many a small child in my mother’s daycare. The little ones always thought that they could get the blocks to go through just any old hole.

Why am I talking about this childhood toy? Because this toy has a lot to do with my frustration over the concept of grace. See I feel like my little heart has all these different shaped holes cut into it. The really agrivating thing is that somewhere along the way someone forgot to cut me a grace-shaped hole. So I can see grace and I understand it with my mind but my heart has no way to allow it in. Another way of putting it is that I feel like a man blind from birth. I could read books upon books about colors but never really have any idea of what they actually are or what it feels like to see a painting so beautiful that it takes your breath away. So I’m frustrated and feeling a little desperate.

last night

Tonight the housechurch had a game and prayer night as our last time together as one housechurch. We played worst case scenarios. My team was badly trounced. Then Mike, who had decided to join us tonight, took some time to talk to us about what we’re doing and our vision.

After Mike’s talk the two new housechurches that will be starting next week prayed for each other. This is the first time I’ve been involved in a housechurch multiplication. Even though we’ve been planning it for quite awhile now actually splitting is kinda weird. Half of these people that I’ve been with as a housechurch for a long time and now suddenly I won’t see them quite as often. As a larger church we do a lot together but it will still be different not being in a housechurch together.

In a way it’s a little sad. I know from experience that all those relationships will change. I’m not naturally a person who always takes changes in relationships very easily. I don’t exactly make friends very quickly; nor do I let them go easily. It seems like a peace of my heart is always taken when a friend leaves.

At the same time though, I see the vision and the reasons we multiply. I think it’s a cool example of God’s grace, how we can go through changes as a church, allowing new people to become a part, watching people leave, and still remain open to relationships. I also look forward to the adventure of starting something new…

someday

Stop the presses!

I just realized that in the year 2060 I will be 77 years old. That is sooo far away - like 54 years away. Seventy-seven seems impossible. I'll never be 77, what are you talking about Jennifer? The oldest I can imagine myself being is about 32, unmarried, and of course no kids. The thought of being 77 having been married and possibly a kid or two (but those kids would be adults by then) is so weird. It hurts my brain to think about it. Like not that is scares me at all it's just so foreign, like trying to think about infinity. I can't quite get my head around this thought. Maybe cause I've never really thought about being as old as 77 before today. It's crazyiness! I am not going to feel young and immortal forever. My life on earth will get old and end someday. Like I knew that but I hadn't really thought about it like this before. So very odd.

Another odd thing. So I told Marie about this strange revelation. What does she tell me? She tells me that March, little March who I went to school with when she was 13 and I was 18, is now 18 and married! March is married! I haven't seen her since she was 13 and so her being married is so weird. Not only that, but when I got on Myspace to see a picture of her (I didn't know she had Myspace and haven't seen a pic since she moved away) I discovered that her older brother who's my age has a kid! Benjamin having a kid is also very strange.

So between attending the weddings of two good friends, finding out March is married, learning that Benjamin has a kid, and realizing that someday I'll be 77, I am have a really trippy day.

Life is so bizarre.

Hannah & Erick

Hannah and Erick got married today. I'm sooo happy for them. They are two people who have a whole lot of my respect. Their whole relationship was a great example of purity for all of us singles.

Hannah used to disciple Becka and I in this little group we called a life group. She had us reading and memorizing; I loved it. The two of them used to say that because I, on no uncertain terms, did not want to ever get married that I would be the first to get married. I strongly disagreed of course. Well, that was when I was 16, now I'm 22 and I say, "HA! I was not the first to get married!" As you can see I haven't matured much. :P Well, maybe I've matured a little, I may be slightly more willing to get married one of these days - as long as it's not too soon. However, that little thought might be from the romance of seeing two good friends get married in the same week so don't tell anyone I said that and don't quote me. ;)

My gloating done, (don't you just love being right?) I've got to move on to other things. Hannah had Bill and her older brother Joel speak during the ceremony. It was very sweet having her brother do the exchanging of rings and vows part. Her dad did the part where he pronounces them husband and wife and said, "you may now kiss the bride." Then there was a reception during which it snowed the whole time which was lovely and romantic. The place was very well decorated. ;) Our work this week paid off. There was dancing. Sacha and Jacque taught me some steps and danced with me, so did Marie and Angela. Then I got to use them because for the first time ever a boy, Juan, actually asked me to dance with him. Juan is a good dancer and had the patience to teach me how to dance as we went along. He also didn't seem to mind too much when I stepped on his shoes with my heels.

Then Hannah and Erick were off, escaping into her car as we all threw bird seed at them. (Strange tradition.) The car had to have a few inches of snow brushed off of it and then the were off, very slowly because there was a lot of snow on the ground and they don't have 4-wheel drive. But they were off to the honeymoon and the rest of us were left to clean up the lovely wedding mess....

storms and a promise

Ok, so today I have that rare bit of time for my blog. Crazy when that happens. I just switched to Beta and was exploring and I got to looking at all my old posts in the post editing section. I only read a few and mostly only looked over the old titles and drafts. Wow, God’s been crazy faithful to me these last couple of years. I haven’t exactly deserved it; none of us do though I guess.

It’s a good reminder for me these days. Life’s been a bit too much lately. I’m taking nine credits and working full time and I’m beginning to wonder what I’ve gotten myself into this semester. I’m feeling more relationally challenged than usual because I’m mad at the whole world (almost) and I don’t know why. Not knowing why I’m mad makes me mad. :p In a shift of responsibilities at work over the last month and a half I’ve taken on a few more chores than I had before. Office work is not my specialty to begin with and now I’m usually doing several things at once and always messing at least one of them up. My brain feels like it’s gonna melt. Some days after work I go home, go to my room and cry because I’m so stressed. My friends probably all think I’m mad at them. : (

But God has been teaching me some important stuff.

Mostly I’m learning about love – and how bad I am at it. God doesn’t love like I do. I tend to wait for people to love and make me feel accepted first. Then I’m willing to love back. My love is timid and His is not. Leadership needs to be first loving and serving. I’m not a very good leader because I’m very demanding and needy when it comes to feeling loved. God’s been telling me that this just means that I need to run to Him more and find my security there. I really need to love people more like God does. I’m shockingly bad at this (well maybe not shockingly bad; I just wanted to use that word, it’s a very dramatic word), but the good news is that God wouldn’t be showing me this unless He wanted me to grow.

So storms today but a promise tomorrow…..

emily's wedding

Emily and Walter got married today. It was a cute little small wedding. One violin for music. Emily looked so pretty in her dress. Everything was simple. I really liked the way they did it. For the reception we hung out around a campfire while it tried to snow. I'm super happy for them and praying for God to bless their decision to get married. It's crazy having your friends getting married and seeing them so happy. (I love seeing my friends happy but the married part is a bit wierd.) Especiallly for schoolmates like Emily. Emily was great to be in school with. She's really out-going and always make me laugh. I'm glad she married a guy like Walter who laughs easily and often. The're so cute. :D

leaders retreat

We had our housechurch leaders retreat this week. That’s not exactly the best way to describe it because many of us (including myself) are technically not housechurch leaders. However, for lack of a better, trendier emerging churchish lable, I’ll be calling this the housechurch leaders retreat. :p

I really look forward to this retreat. The housechurch leaders are fairly close-knit group. This year we had three new couples with us, which was cool. We spent some time talking about being culturally relevant and still following God. Then Mike gave us a church history lesson of the last forty years. It’s interesting; historically waves of revival in the church always bring some change. Usually some people find that change hard to accept. As we talked about church movements that have taken place in the last forty years I thought of what would be hard for me to accept. Hmmm…… I’d never want to be someone who stood against anything God did. I quietly asked God to keep me listening to Him and keep me flexible.

We also studied 1 Thessalonians 2:3-12. It’s an example of how Paul approached his responsibility towards people as a leader. It had a lot to say about love and humility. That was the part that stuck out and convicted me the most. I need to love people. God’s done a lot in me this last six months or so. Six months ago I was too burnt and bitter to hear something like “love people.” God’s been speaking to me a lot about having Christ-like love for people around me regardless of weather or not they love me back. I’m not very good at loving so I’ve been asking God to change me a lot these last few months.