fallen

Last night a bunch of people in the church gathered in someone's home to listen to Billy Graham preach. No not Billy Graham the American evangelist who fills gigantic stadiums every time he preaches. This Billy is an Indian pastor who is in the process of building a training center in India for native missionaries. He has a lot of amazing stories about the persecution he and other Indian Christians have been through in order to preach the gospel. Being beaten, having human waste thrown on them, having Hindu priests threaten to sacrifice them in the temple (one man actually was), and living with a price on their heads are all things Billy has experienced. When he talks about them he's so excited and even joyful for the opportunity to suffer for Christ's sake.

I felt torn as I sat and listened. My family has been in and out of so many churches; the common theme was that usually people didn't take the time to notice that I was breathing their air. Even though Immanuel Fellowship is totally different sometimes I still have a problem with other Christians, especially traveling preachers for some reason. So the cynic in me sat not wanting to listen or believe any of his stories. However, I have a tendency to give members of the persecuted church a position of Catholic-like sainthood in my heart. In Immanuel Fellowship's highschool people used to talk about how they wanted to be martyr's someday. I used to think they were crazy but secretly prayed all the time for a heart that would be willing to go through the kind of persecution I read about in Jesus Freaks. So I sat not trusting the man but hanging on his every word.

Later, as I walked Isaac's dog Jobi I prayed about what I'd just heard. I feel like I've fallen. Billy talked about living your Christianity without taking short-cuts. This has been the biggest thing I've worked and prayed for since I started following Jesus when I was fifteen. A few years ago I felt so much closer to that goal. The last two years have been really hard. Maybe I've taken the responsibility and the guilt for things I had no business attempting. I've failed miserably at just about everything I've dared touch for a long time. Everything I thought I would be, everything I was just three years ago now seems so far out of reach. Not to mention the standard of living Billy embodies. I began to cry as I poured these thoughts out God for the millionth time, begging Him to change me again.

dear God i'm losing count my of failures
i can't remember why You called me
is it illusion or do i walk backwards?
yet still i hear You call me to follow
unwilling to resist such a voice as Yours
shattered to the core, but i will come