off to teen mania

My little sister Jacque is right now on vacation with the rest of the family in Texas. I had to work and so couldn't go with them. On the 18th they will drop her off in Garden Valley, home of Teen Mania headquarters where she will spend the next year.

It's kinda weird having my little sister move out. Since it's only been like three days I don't think the reality of it has quite hit me yet. Oh well, never mind that for now.

It's going to be so awesome for her. She's about to be challenged in ways she probably hasn't thought of. At the end of this year Jacque's going to be a very different person than she is now. I'm so excited for her! Not because I don't think she's great right now, I'm just excited for teh chances she'll get to do things she's never done, meet new people, gain confidence as a woman of God, see her character grow, and most of all get a lot closer to God. I'll get to see her again in a couple of months at Thanksgiving....three months. I can't wait to hear the stories she'll have to tell and see the way she's grown frist-hand and not just over the phone and email.

poetic justice

Today I saw direct evidence that there is such a thing as justice in the world. However, before you understand that statement I need to give a little history.

My sisters and I used to play Monopoly a lot when we were little. There was only ever one winner and that was absolutely always Jacque. In fact, Jacque's never lost a game and I've never won a single game, ever. That is, until today.

Today my three sisters and I all played Monopoly. (I don't even know why I always agree to play this game.) As is the usual about two hours in Joanie and Julie, the two youngest, sold all their property, put all their money in the community pile to be won by some lucky player, and dropped out of the running. Jacque ended up being the lucky player with all the money and I ended being the sucker who spent all her money on buying cheap property and earning several monopolies.

Well after four hours I won. Yes me the ultimate Monopoly looser! I bought every hotel and house the game had. As Jacque got more and more in debt she gave me more and more property, eventually I owned the whole board. It felt so good. Usually our positions are reversed. I will cherish this moment forever.

parting

Today it rained. Usually rain is recomended when one is saying goodbye. We took one last drive around the lake and my car was leaking form the top of the windsheild onto my hand as usual. But I didn't mind, the rain falling on the mountain lake was beautiful. This was our favorite little drive. I bought this little red '87 subaru for $250. I've replaced a lot parts, discovered and found ways around many quirks, seen it's 200,000 mile birthday, and given my friends countless rides. For the price I've paid it's been an incredible car and usually quite reliable.

We are quite fond of eachother but we've talked it over and both agreed that it would be best if I sold her. Sunday someone offered to buy my subaru for $500. That's much more than I could hope to get from anyone else. We decided that since the man who's offering to buy her is somewhat mechanically tallented and good with old cars and I am not that I sould accept and use the money to buy a newer, more reliable car. Especially as she has had a harder and harder time being reliable for me lately. So we went for one last drive and sat in the rain together listening to it fall on her roof as we said our sad goodbyes. Then I went inside the house and signed the title over.

*tear, sob, sob* Goodbye wonderful little car.....

oblivious

I just read this really great article about God's love. It's pretty short so go read it. I think I tend to be completely oblivious to God's love most of the time. Like, not that I'm unaware of His love, I just don't really take the time to think about it in depth. I wonder if that hurts Him. If I loved somebody like that I'd sure want them to stop and think about it at least ten times a day. I'd want them to really know that right then I was dreaming about them. God is really patent with our lack of enthusiasm about His love. God help me learn to be more constantly aware that You are loving me like crazy. Help me love You back more like You love me....

possibilities

This Saturday we had our last housechurch gathering. So many of us are leaving! Tessa and Genesis are moving away, Greg and Netsie are leaving for college, and Isaac is moving all the way to France to be part of an internship with a church there. Some of us will still be getting together on Saturdays, but with so many people leaving this was the last housechurch as we’ve known it.

Weird, I’ve moved so many times and I’m used to being the one doing the leaving. It’s strange to stay and watch others go. Even though it’s sad to see so many people leave, the more I think about it the more excited I get. Change is always such a huge opportunity to grow. What does God have for all of us this year? How will our characters be shaped twelve months form now? Despite the fears I have about my place in all of this, I can’t wait to see what this next year holds.

camping trip

I just got back from Immanuel's annual camping trip. As always it was awesome. There were, as Mike said, "About 5 billion mosquitoes per acre." I'm very tempted to think this was an honest estimate and not just a humorous exaggeration.

For me the best parts are the community of living together, the meals, the water fight, the swimming, the hikes, and especially the orienteering race. Ok fine, I like it all. It's so cool just about everyone in the church comes, even people who don't really like camping.

Well this year I made a mistake. We were about to start our orinteering race and were standing around getting the rules from Mike, the pastor and the man who sets up this little adventure, when I asked God to teach me some kind of lesson through competing in the race. (Can anyone remember that old proverb, "Be careful what you wish for"? Well the same can sometimes be said of prayer because God is not without a sense of humor. :P) That was my mistake. I never learn, I'm always praying these prayers of a slightly dangerous nature and then being swept up into these adventures. However if I quit praying stuff like that I'd get really bored. I'd rather have the adventure.

Anyway, I was put on a team of five, the purple team, and we were given two pages of clues to follow. We started off quite lovely and got the first two purple flags with ease. Things started going downhill from the second flag. First we got confused and went to the wrong lake (there are like a thousand in the area where we were camping, which explains the raging mosquito population). After going at least a mile out of our way and backtracking we found our third flag. At this point it had been two hours. Mike had announced to everyone that our team was the most likely to win, however he also expected the winners to return within two hours. We knew we had lost and this was made worse by the fact that we were the expected winners.

Not wanting to be quitters we continued. Rather suddenly, when we came upon a road that would easily lead back to camp two of our team members decided to call a quit and go back to camp. It was discouraging but three of us decided to keep going even though we were disqualified without all of our team members. Now it was just Josiah (our eagle-scout leader), Jessie (our energetic 16-year-old runner), and me. We got caught on the fourth flag. About two hours of exploring small lakes and mashes looking for a patch of lilies with a flag in them and we were one flag richer and one pint of blood poorer than we had been when our other team members had left us.

Somewhere in all that fruitless searching we all got quite discouraged. Though none of us wanted to quit Josiah delicately hinted that maybe we should as soon as we got the fourth and nobody disagreed. However, with the forth flag came a burst of encouragement. We realized that just because we came in last didn't mean we had to come back beaten. Since the next flag was not to far we went after it and found it much more quickly. With only two left we just couldn't quit. Flags six and seven also came faster, even if we did end up back-tracking again to get number six.

Finally, after five and a half hours the purple team emerged from the forest, wet, tired, hungry, mosquito-bitten, but proudly triumphant. Immediately we happened upon Mike, who had come to look for us since it was after 19:30 and beginning to get a little dark.

So what was my lesson? Obviously perserverance. Not quitting when everyone seems to give up and there's only a few left, and when you seem to get nowhere. I was thinking about that stuff the whole time. However, someone is begging for use of this computer so I must go and save this already long post for getting much longer.....

again

She's dead
They slowly strangled her
Lips close to her ear
Whispering love

The outer shell remains
But the inside is devastated
Emptied of all good

Through the dark
Is there always hope of morning?
Can the shattered heart be rebuilt?
Will ashes be redeemed?

Yes is the answer I see
Reflected in Your confident eyes
Is there anything else I know?

The walking dead sees a sunrise
Feels the beat of life within
Though a world turns to ash
Those ashes are still in Your hands

In Your hands life is created
Dreams once dead awake and breathe
Now more real than ever they could've been

Crippled legs learn to walk again
And then the impossible - they learn to run
Yet something will never be the same
For the death was real

But I find You waiting, smiling
To show me the joy of what You're doing
Redeeming all that was shattered

lovely pointless quiz

I put in all the silliest answers and this is what I got. Hmmm.......


The Completely Pointless Personality Quiz
You must try this, it's more fun than most. While you're at it, go see a Muffin Film.

risk

"Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once."
- Julius Caesar from Shakespeare's play Julius Caesar

At unhindered last weekend Pete talked about taking risks. People today don't risk enough for God. Everything is too neat and tidy. Sometimes when I'm reading the story of some hero of the faith that I admire I look at the risks they took and wonder if I would ever have the courage to do the same. People have told me that I'm courageous before because I've been on mission trips by myself, gone cliff-diving, or like to try interesting new foods. That's all nice, but do I really have the courage to live my whole life for God?

Maybe I shouldn't sit around asking that question. I think it might be one of those questions that just paralyzes you. I don't really know. I was reading Mere Chistianity by C.S. Lewis today and ran across this:

"If you read history you will find that the
Christians who did the most for the present world were just those who thought most of the next. ...all left their mark on Earth, precisely because their minds were occupied with Heaven. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this. Aim at Heaven and you will get earth 'thrown in': aim at earth and you will get neither."

Maybe it's not trying to have the courage or even taking the perfectly right path. Maybe the reason that my heros could do all that they did was because though they may have been afraid or unsure they thought of Eternity and just did it. That sounds so good, but how in the world do I work it out in life?

live8

No, I haven't seen it. Unfortunately my dial-up internet won't play the videos. Quite sad. :( But we took some time during worship this morning to pray for the G8 conference later this week. We also talked about the need for the church to reach out today, it was good.

Umm...my seven-year-old sister is asking me to read her a book. I've got to go. I'll try to post more about this later.....

three jobs

Today I got a call. I applied for a position as a full-time receptionist and got it. This is great, it's in a pediatric center, and they will give me a little bit of training as a nurse. I'll be working with a mostly bi-lingual staff. I've been hoping to get a job like this for a long time. Thanks God!

Funny, most of this last month I've been struggling financially because I was only working at Gap and they were only giving me about 10 - 12 hours a week. God's really come through for me financially this last month in some ways that are undeniably Him. Now I have three jobs though, two part-time and a full-time. That adds up to a few too many hours for me to work. What a nice change. I guess I will have to quit a couple of my jobs. ;)

first day

This was my first day working for Starbucks; I ended up getting the job even though I broke down on the way to my interview last week. I learned more about coffee today than this non-coffee drinker ever dreamed of knowing about the subject. We made a lot of Frappichinos and that was really fun. We gave all our practice ones away for free because they weren't always the prettiest things. I also drank more coffee today than I have ever drank in my whole life. It was all black and awful. That was really hard. I ended up quite sick and had to leave early. Arrgg.... Maybe I'm allergic to coffee.

week of car troubles

These last seven days have been pretty hard on my poor old car. Once again I had thought we had reached the end. I was on my way to a job interview in Copper a week ago when suddenly, "pop!" and all this white smoke started pouring out everywhere. So I pulled over and called Bobby and he helped me limp the poor thing home. We had to pull over a bunch of times to let the engine cool down. Having almost no money I was pretty upset at the prospect of having to use the bus for the next few months. Then we discovered it was just a blown hose, not too bad. My dad had it replaced in no time.

The next day I drove it, it was overheating really fast and I ended up having to leave it at Isaac's house for the day. It was only the thermostat so Todd and Tom, Ben and Marie's dads, fixed it for me. Fortunately all the repairs have been cheap and I've saved on gas not driving my car around much.

Today I was picking something up from Ben's house and ran over a nail just before pulling into the driveway. Why me? The thing was letting air out so fast we could all actually see it getting flatter! Todd fixed it just enough to get me to the tire repair place. I was pretty upset, I only had $30 dollars left to my name so I knew this was probably going to cause me to bounce a check. I got the the place and guess what? I was ladies' day so they patched my tire for free! Whew, that was close, thanks God.

unhindered

This was the last day of unhindered, Immanuel Fellowship's missions conference/retreat. I'm not really sure which one it is as this event kind of feels like both. Anyway, this is only the second time we've had it unhindered, but I think it's my favorite thing we do as a church. It's so envisioning.

This time our speakers were George Miley, Pete Greig, and Mike Phillips. What do we talk about at a missions conference/retreat? It was interesting. Last time we did a lot of talking about what church is, planting churches, overcomming our own insecurities, inner healing, and forgiveness. Last time I definately went away changed in the way I think. I've remembered a lot of what the speakers said and what God spoke to me during that time. Two years later unhindered has again surpassed my expectations. This time the theme is baciaclly the same: church planting. However, the speakers took it from a different angle this time.

Here are some of the things that stood out to me:

• Mike said that if we plan on going and making disciples we first have to be disciples. We can't take others where we haven't been and are not going.
• Spiritual authority and power are two different things. Those who carry authority will feel weak more often than they feel strong, but God is looking for people willing to be His.
• Pride can hold us back but so can a more subtle lack of humility. Thinking more highly of ourselves than we ought. Teachability is really important in cross-cultural relationships.
• George talked about the importance of solitude. I missed that one, but everyone said it was really good; I'll have to get it on CD.
• Pete talked about focus. There will be times of failure and times of fruitfulness. We need to remember through both that our relationship with God is secure and His is working in us.
• Jenn and Joel made an incredible video about really loving Jesus more than life and being willing to drink His cup and feed His sheep. What is the cost of taking up your cross and dying on it?
• The desert is not something to run away from. It's a place to get close to God in preparation for the ministry He has chosen for you. We need to see it from God's view.

So much stuck out to me it's a bit hard to sort through it all. However, I think the biggest thing was the humility of the speakers themselves. A lot of people would come to an event like this and share their triumphs and miricle stories. You end up wondering why you just can't seem to reach as high as them. It wasn't that way here, they told us their failures and times of weakness and doubt. It was encouraging how much they talked about failure. So there is not something horribly wrong with me if I don't see amazing results every time I try to serve God. It's not the end of the world if something goes wrong. Overall I think that stood out the most. I get way too uptight about messing up. God help me trust You and risk more.

God's love

Tonight (well, I guess last night) our housechurch talked about God's love. It was a really hard topic to help teach. Who am I to teach about God's love? I don't really know all that much about it....

I guess that's the beauty of a housechurch, everyone is there for everyone else and we all teach each other. This is definitely one of those nights where I feel like the things other people said really helped me more than I helped anyone else. They reminded me of what God's love is like. All of them were things I knew but had somehow forgotten. I hate it when I forget God's love; it's like holding my breath, senselessly waiting for air when it's all around me. Thanks everyone, I really needed to hear what you said tonight.

kilts

Ok, so I'm at my Aunt's house and I ran across this sick online store and I thought all my guy friends should know about it. Get your wallets out and prepare to be amazed by these super hott kilts! I'm especially impressed by the designer kilts. If I was a guy I'd be wearing either the Hand Over or the Bloodlines.

radical church

Radical, revolutionary, unconventional, passionate, unhindered, whole-hearted, focused, sincere. Does this list of words make anyone think of the church? Not anyone who's been through as many American churches as I have. Maybe I've seen too much of the dirty reality of church in America. Is a higher vision than this possible? Is it realistic? Is a person insane to dream of more for the church?

I just finished reading this post by Jenn, a very good friend of mine. I know it's a bit long, but it's anything but boring and very worth taking the time to read. It's a well-written picture of what it would look like if the book of Acts had taken place in 21st century America. It leaves me wondering, what happened to church like that? Could there ever really be a church that looked like that in the modern world? I could imagine it in the part of the world where Christians are under heavy persecution. But what of the comfortable Western world? Could church ever look like that in the Western world? It seems ludicrous to even think about it. Could the comfortable, prosperity-infatuated, uncommitted, self-focused, western church ever really look like this? It doesn't seem possible to knock the western church out of it's self-infatuation.

Then again, who is the God of the impossible? When you read the Bible it almost seems like He likes bringing beauty out of the impossibly crippled. I'm not saying that there's no good in the Western church. I'm not saying it's a lost cause. I love the church. Yet I've never seen it like this. What would become of us if we actually attempted this? No, this is one of those things you cannot attempt; you either do it all the way or self-destruct trying. But what would happen? I think there would be a grand division in the church. Some would go for it. Others would stand back and see something they should be doing but not be able to do it because they love the world too much. Some would find an incredibly meaningful life this side of Heaven like they never imagined. Others would probably continue as they are. In studying church history a little I've noticed that the church tends to be it's own biggest persecutor. Those who are unwilling to change try to force everyone else to stay behind with them. They also tend to flippantly throw around words like heresy and cult without really knowing or caring about the beliefs of those they've so labeled.

It would be amazing to live to see and be a part of such a radical escape from the love of this life and materialism. Could I handle it? Would I resist? I do like to have a little space. But to be challenged to work out my Christianity in such closeness to my brothers and sisters would be an incredible growing experience. It would revolutionize the way all of us think about our relationship with Jesus, our spirituality, our church...everything. God could You make this happen?

ids graduation

Last night some of my friends graduated from our church's private high school. There were four people in the graduating class: Marie, Isaac, Emily, and Ben. It was the coolest graduation ever! (Ok, ok, so I've only been to one other graduation ceremony, but it was still the best!) It was formal and every one in the class made a speech. They all did a really good job, especially Marie. Hers was absolutely brilliant, she was organized, polished, funny, and sincere - she even quoted some poetry she had written for it. Good work everyone!

revenge of the sith

I just watched Episode III with my dad and sisters. This is the second time this week. I'm a nerd about Star Wars. I can name most of the ships, planets, and characters, especially in the original three. Which I have practically memorized, wearing out the copies I had on VHS before getting them on DVD.

It's interesting the differences between the original three and the latest additions to the story. Obviously the graphics are much better and the lightsaber fights are way faster and better choreographed. Aside from the obvious, I noticed two other big things that have changed.

The next most obvious thing that has changed is Yoda. He's way cuter, more expressive, and one bad little green blur with a lightsaber. No one can even try to stop him when he's in action. The way he talks is different too. It really got on my nerves the way he says everything backwards, "Good relations with the Wookies I have." Maybe he's always talked like that, I guess he's had a bigger role recently. Yoda has also always talked like a Buddhist, but it's way more obvious now. This is especially true of this final episode, "You must learn to let go of all that you care about." Interesting thought, what is life without caring?

The other thing that has changed is the view of good and evil. It's interesting, in the original three good is a purer shade of white and evil is black. In the new ones they are much more confused; coming out as dark grey and light grey. The dark side is obviously bad but the light side also makes a lot of mistakes, leaving Anakin confused and easy prey for Lord Sidious. I guess real life is like that though, hind-sight is 20/20 so by the time Luke Skywalker arrives on the scene everybody knows who is the oppressor and who isn't.

I hope I don't sound negative. I'm not trying to be. Over all I liked the movie. It was sad watching Anakin fall though.

singles' retreat

I just got back from Immanuel Fellowship's first singles' retreat. It was a great 24 hours. We started yesterday with an awesome time of worship. I've kinda had a hard week. At first I felt like I couldn't come into God's presence and worried that I would waste the weekend like that. I was cool how God brought me into His presence anyway.

This morning I went for a run before breakfast. After breakfast we had a time set aside to go out-side and seek God. I was pretty distracted, but focused enough to hear God speak to me about a fear I've been struggling with.

During the first session we talked about the fear of God, like in Psalm 111:10. We talked about this for a pretty long time, about what it is and for a long time about what it isn't. This part really stuck out to me more than the rest. It's an interesting balance being both a friend and servant of God.

Later we had another time to just be with God, followed by another session. Then it was over; it was really short. God spoke so much to me this weekend, way too much to begin to write here. I hope I can hold on to it all.

never wasted

I'm reading a book about Amy Carmichael. It contains a lot of her quotes along with things which had encouraged her but hadn't been written by her. In some places the author is not clear who wrote what, so I'm not sure who wrote this:

God never wastes His servants' pain.
God never wastes His servants' time.
God never wastes His servants' toil.
God never wastes His servants' gifts.

Sometimes I worry that I'm going to waste what God has entrusted me with, especially the things listed in this quote. Yet if I'm fully His and doing my best to listen and live in His will then maybe this is one of the burdens Jesus desires that I lay at His feet. Really, no matter how good I am I can't prevent waste; I'm only human. Once I heard Judy, Isaac's mom, say, "Nothing laid at the feet of Jesus is ever wasted." God help me lay my life and efforts to serve You at Your feet. Help me trust You to keep all of it.

a ring

Today I put on a ring. While I was in Annecy God made me a promise. It is actually something He's promised me before, several times. I seem to have an amazing ability to forget this particular promise. So while I was in Annecy and God was reminding me again He asked me to put on a ring so that I could have something tangible to help me remember. I looked all over in Annecy and in Chamonix with no luck. Every thing was either gaudy or big and manly or really expensive. I was super frustrated when we left Chamonix and I was still without this ring I felt like I was supposed to buy. Later God assured me that He would get me a ring to remember. Interesting, I thought and kinda forgot about it.

Well this week I was spring cleaning my room, digging every last possession out of every last little cranny and mercilessly throwing stuff out. (My room is very small and lacks the space for sentimental clutter.) I found a ring in a little jewelry box in the bottom of my trunk. I have no idea where it originally came from. Actually, I'm not sure if I ever remember owning it. However it came to be there, it's perfect. I'm glad I didn't find anything in France.

Kinda funny, most people wear rings religiously to signify a promise they made to God. (Like a purity ring.) It's cool that God is also willing to make us promises. It's a little overwhelming that someone as important as God would make me a promise. I guess God's not too worried about His image or looking weak because He's close to things so small as individual people. Amazing how well He knows what I'll do before I do it. Wearing this little band of metal has really helped me remember what God has spoken to me. As to what that promise is...well, that's between God and I. ;)

what's your worldview?

This one was very interesting, thanks Isaac. I don't really know what cultural creative means though...

You scored as Cultural Creative.

Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational.

Cultural Creative 75% Postmodernist 69% Fundamentalist 63% Romanticist 38% Idealist 19% Existentialist 13% Modernist 13% Materialist 6% What is Your World View? (corrected...again) created with QuizFarm.com

last day

So since my last post I've been to Chomonix, Marseille, and Taizé. Chomonix was a short visit, we ate lunch and prayed there for a little while, then moved on to Marseille on the Mediterranean coast. It has a very different feel culturally from the places we've been so far. A little more laid-back I guess.

We spent two nights in Marseille. We prayed over the city, and took a boat out to the island where the book, The Count of Monte Christo took place. While most of us where there Isaac went to a neighboring island and spent an hour being attacked by vicious, man-eating sea-gulls. In the process he lost his cell phone. So when the rest of us finally joined him on the island we had to help him retrace his steps looking for it. However, being the good friends that we are, we willingly followed him into perilous territory after laughing hysterically at his ordeal. We also took pictures of him first; he was kind of messy. He, he...I'm still laughing. I would be more sympathetic if it wasn't so incredibly hilarious. Anyway, we followed Isaac into the gulls' territory and they took a lot of dives at us and screamed a lot, but with six of us they were far less emboldened than they had been with only one. We eventually found the phone by calling it continually with Mike's phone till someone who had found it answered it. (How the person found a phone abandoned in such a dangerous place none of us ever found out.) So this story ends happily. : D

After Marseille we went to Taizé (and I left all the gifts I had bought my family behind in the hotel...brilliant). I think this was one of the highlights of the trip for me. I really liked the feel of community the place had, no sense that you're trying to break into somebody's established clique, everybody's willing to let you be their friend. It's super easy to talk to people there for the most part. However, people there are from all over the world, especially Europe. There was a German holiday during our weekend there so a lot of people were from Germany. I only know toe things in German: hello and something else impractical and maybe slightly inappropriate, definitely not a way to introduce yourself. :s I really liked being there and feeling lost in a group of people speaking seven different languages. Usually though people used English as a common language. The services were pretty cool. There were very simple worship songs sung in fifteen different languages, with no real visible worship leader. The worship times always had a long period of silence (which for a room of two thousand people was very impressively silent), this was a good time to focus as they were usually towards the beginning of the worship. They would also read a verse about Jesus between songs in many different languages. I was sorry I only got to be there for a day. Someday it would be really cool to go for a whole week.

Today we're back in Paris, in a suburb called Saint Germaine, and we leave tomorrow. Wow, this trip seemed really short. I'll miss you France.

annecy

We've left Paris and are now in a town called Annecy. It is the cutest place I've ever been in my life. I think this is my favorite place so far. It looks just like a perfect little fairy-tail storybook picture with all these little canals running through the old part of town. It's known as the Vince of France for a reason.

Since Annecy is a mountain town, we all felt like we could relate better to the people there. We spent yesterday and part of the day before exploring and asking God if this is where He wants us to plant a church. We really felt like God said no, not here now. So we are moving on, today we're heading for Marseille, and stopping by Chomonix for lunch.

...Sorry about there links this computer doesn't let me see the pictures, so I don't know how they look.

prayer walking

Today we prayer walked down the center of Paris. We started at the Bastille and went to the Arche du Triumph. It was kinda anti-climatic. I've been on prayer walks before where I definitely felt something happen. This time I didn't, but it was very tiring like many of the other prayer walks I've been on. Kinda funny how they always drain you. Anyway even though I didn't get the privilege of actually seeing or feeling the results of my prayers I know God will remember all that we prayed today and be faithful to answer at the right time.

je suis arrivé

This is my third day in Paris, and it is every bit as lovely as it is in all the movies and travel adds. This is especially true of the Latin Quarter where I am staying. I think it might have looked about the same at the turn of the century - except the cars were a little different back then. ;)

Yesterday we spent some time just praying and asking God to guide us. We also listened for Him to give any impressions about France, the people, or what out next move should be. We've allowed enough flexibility for God to lead us or change our plans. We also went to the largest Christian bookstore in France, which was about the size of a small bookstore in the States. Things are more space efficent here, still it was smaller than I expected.

Today we did some exploring further out in the city. We met a Pakistani immagrant and had an interesting conversation with him. Five of the people in our group of six speak English, Spanish, and French at varying levels; the sixth person is learning Spanish and already knows English. The Pakistani man also spoke some of all three of these languages so we ended up switching back and fourth quite a lot.

leaving today

Later today I'm leaving for France! I leave for the Denver airport at 10:00 this morning. It's a church trip, I'm going with Marie, Isaac, Isaac's dad Mike, Andy, and Jillian. Just six of us are going, we'll be more mobile that way. We're really praying for God to lead us and show us where He would maybe have us plant a church someday. I'll try to post more in France than I did in Mexico.

agent orange

I just read this article. I'm really disappointed with our government. Maybe "disappointed" is too weak a word. What hypocrisy! We go into Iraq looking for chemical weapons, among other things and make such a big deal about how wrong it is. Yet we have not made restitution for what we did in Vietnam on the basis that what we did wasn't illegal at the time. Just because it wasn't illegal doesn't make it okay! What kind of horrible logic is that? If we're going to act like we're the world's police we had better get it together and be consistent.

correct me please

I don't think this little site gets many hits. However, if anyone of the Jewish faith read that last post and was offended, I'm sorry. Like I said I don't really know anything first-hand. Feel free to comment and correct me if I'm wrong or anything. I'd love to be corrected.

modern judaism

Last night I listened to Luna and Ruben talk about modern Judaism. It was heartbreaking. Almost all I know about Judaism is in the Bible. Today, of course, it can't be what it was in the Bible. Back then it was centered around the temple and animal sacrifices. Now there is no temple, there hasn't been for....about two thousand years I think. My Jewish friends were talking about how far Judaism has fallen from what it used to be. Ruben especially was saying that it isn't about God anymore, it's about culture and being Jewish and keeping an identity.

Not that those things are bad, but to have a religion just for the sake of being religious is horrible. It's so empty and unfullfilling. I guess I'm getting all of this second hand though. I don't really know anything. I'm sure there are a lot of Jews who really follow Judaism because they love God. I hope so. I really love the Jewish people and as a Christian I feel indebted to them because they're the people to whom Jesus was sent. Their history was the one I grew up hearing about in Sunday School; I new it long before I knew American history.

God please touch Judaism. Bring it back to its ancient beauty of being focused on You. Your people have been so faithful to continue in their religious traditions for centuries without a temple or a nation to call their own. Please bless their faithfulness and bring them close to You. Show Yourself to them again in a powerful way. Thanks for Your promise to always be faithful to them.

passover

Everyone in Immanuel Fellowship has been encouraged to ask God for two or three friends who are not Christians to be praying for. Of course we are hopefully praying for others around us as well, but these are some people you feel like God would have you be especially focused on in prayer and in looking for opportunities to share Jesus.

Tonight I took a Jewish friend of mine, Luna, to a sader dinner held in an A&W restaurant by some Messianic Jews who work with Menorah. It was well done as always. Very traditional Passover meal except the fact that Ruben, who was leading the dinner, spoke of Jesus’ work on the cross to free us from our sins every chance he got. The Passover dinner provides a surprising amount of non-tacky ways to share Jesus. It’s perfect actually. He compared Jesus to the Passover lamb and talked about how He frees us from the slavery of sin just as God freed the Hebrews from Egypt. I was praying during the whole meal that Luna would be able to hear God speaking to her in all that Ruben said.

We ended up staying over an hour after the dinner was over just talking to Ruben and his wife. He was able to share Jesus with her in a way I never could have, explaining how He is God’s answer to our sin, for both Jews and Gentiles. He told her of how God was able to show His love for Ruben and draw him into a friendship. Ruben asked her if she wanted to pray and giver her life to Jesus and start a friendship with God. She said that was what she’d been wanting. The three of us prayed together. They exchanged phone numbers so they could keep in touch and she could come to him and his wife with her questions about being a Christian.

God this is so awesome! Help me support Luna as she’s learning how to walk in this new life she’s asked You for. Draw her close to You; help her not to be passive about this but run after You. God keep her in You.

identity

Where do I get my identity? Is it from my parents? How I look like or act? Leading a housechurch? Hopefully not either of my jobs. ;)

Good questions, it'd be nice if I could find some answers. Among other things God's been challenging me in this area the last few weeks. Especially in regards to finding it in either my parents or in being a housechurch leader.

God help me find my identity only in You. You made me, You bought me, You know me better than I do. Help me see Your view of me...

links

I added some links to the side of my blog. It looks kinda....not the way I wanted it to look. Hmmm...

all i can do

shattered
it's shattered
and scattered on the ground

helpless
i'm helpless
and i am lying down

hands
these hands
i know You hold me
can't escape this love

weak
so weak and afriad
help me believe You save
keep me looking into Your eyes
it's all i can do

the saga of the subaru

Yes, I know I've posted about my car a lot lately, but this is a big deal as I do not have the money for another car. My dad came and looked at my car again. We bought a new starter so now it's working again. He checked the oil and anti-freeze and found that they are leaking and so it's a simple problem and my car will be lasting a lot longer. Thanks God!

car lives...and dies again

So last night when my family was over here for Joanie's birthday my dad looked at my car and found that it is not dead. (Horray!) The problem is a simple case of the starter not automatically shutting itself of when I start the car. I drove it last night and it was fine. Now I just know that I have to shut it off manually. My car lives.

Well this morning I drove to the prayer room for the 4-5 shift. When I was done my car wouldn't start; the engine wouldn't even turn over. So I slept in the prayer room again. In the morning it still wouldn't start so I caught a ride home. So it's still not working, what a crazy week!

pete greg

Pete Greg, who kinda accidentally started 24/7 prayer, came to our housechurch leaders' meeting today. It was...fun. Well, maybe that's not quite the right word, um let me try that again. We started the night eating dinner and hanging out. Then we worshipped. After that Pete shared with the group and we all ended up talking about reaching out to people, discipling, failure, eating what's set before you, and of course Easter Saturday. In the process we ended up laughing a lot. So it was serious and fun.

joanie

Today is Joanie's birthday!!!

My little sister is turning seventeen today. She's quite excited. Joanie's one of those people who will still be making everyone in church sing the birthday song to her when she turns eighty-four. That's the way to do it!

I remember when she was born, I got to hold her in the hospital. Jacque's beat me to writing about her on her birthday. Yea, when I was like seven I thought that they had a secret society witch included mind-control over our parents. I had quit believing it by the time that red one incident happened, but my little sisters always had a sort of almost telepathic was of communicating with each other.

Joanie is one of the funniest people on the planet. She can easily bring me to helpless laughter without even touching me. I can also bring her to helpless laughter but am obligated to get my results through tickling. ;) I think she's also one of the most ticklish people I know. Ahh, the good memories.

Anyway, I went swimming with all my little sisters today. It was quite fun. We all went down the water slide some and unsuccessfully tried to splash over the edge. Except Jacque, she's still got arm issues. Then we went out to eat at La Perla, a very authentic Mexican resturant. Joanie and I both had beef tongue tacos. Very good.

poor dead car

My car died last night. I had the 2 a.m. shift in the prayer room. The engine sounded bad on the drive there, really high-pitch and strained, and the car was super sluggish. After my shift was over the car wouldn't start. So I slept in the prayer room and in the morning it was fine. I drove home to get breakfast and when I tried to go to work I couldn't even get the engine to turn over. I think the end is here. My dad told me awhile ago that one day soon it would randomly quit on me. I was hoping it would wait awhile longer.

raise?

Well my dad believes that my car has a cracked head. I have to refill the oil and the anti-freeze every week. Hence my little car will not be lasting me too much longer. Very sad. In need of a new car I've been looking for a new job that would pay more than $9 an hour (which isn't very much in this area).

Last week I told my boss at Bristlecone that I needed a raise or I would have to look for another job. She told me that unfortunately she could not give me a raise because all the raises in the company are frozen. If she gave me a raise she would have to give the other deserving people a raise and the company can't handle it right now. I had known this but I thought I would at least give it a shot.

My boss offered me another option. There is another position (I am currently a Personal Care Provider) opening up in May, it's an Independent Life Skills Trainer and it pays $15 dollars an hour and only requires a little more training than I already have. Well, today I went for an interview with my prospective patient and her husband and I got the job!

Jamie

Wednesday I found out that Jamie, a friend of mine, died in a car accident. I feel numb, she was only a few months older than me. She was kinda a member of my family, we shared my grandparents. Well...My sister Jacque gives a better description of her here.

Jamie was definitely one of my best friends in Sidney Nebraska, where she lived. Whenever I was in Sidney she would get together and do stuff with my younger sisters and I. She also would invite me along to do stuff with her and her friends. She even let me go with her to a sleep-over once. She was very kind, smiled a lot, cool, and quite pretty. She had plenty of friends without me. I was very shy through most of my teen years so it really meant a lot to me that she often went so out of her way to make me feel like a part of whatever group she invited me into.

It almost doesn't seem possible that she's dead so quickly.

three weeks

We are starting another season of 24/7 prayer today. A bunch of us have worked on redecorating it this week. It looks great but my part still isn't quite done. :s I have to draw a globe. It's proven pretty hard so far, even a little frustrating. I'm trying to take something round and draw it on a flat piece of paper. There are a couple of pictures of the prayer room here. Also the hours are looking pretty full already.

joanie's back

Joanie's back from China. My little sister was in Lijiang, in south western China. She got to help teach English classes there. She also got to see Bei jing, Tienamen Square, the Great Wall, the Forbidden City, the Temple of Heaven, and the Summer Palace. I sounds like a really cool trip.

another 40

We finished another fourty days of prayer today. Hopefully this break won't be too long.

I'm really tired and I have writer's block, so this is it for now.

my God with me

I ran across this poem in my journal. I wrote it about a year ago.

Confusion surrounds and fills my head
But God is with me
The thought that scare me remain
But God is with me
My fears and uncertainties larger than I
But God is with me
Will I ever change inside?
God is truly with me
Can anything ever help me?
Yet God is with me
I have failed completely in everything
But now the sense that God is with me
At the end of myself
And God is here at the end with me
I teeter on the edge of falling apart
Somehow still my God is with me
When the land is dark and I am blind
In that deep dark my God is with me
When I can't believe He's there
There remains my God with me

Through all highs and lows and uncertainties. Here is my God, He stays closer than my own heartbeat.

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

jacque II

Today I got to hang out with Jacque and some of her friends and our friends and by the end of the day they were all "our friends," it was great. We had a lot of fun but I'm really pressed for time right now so I won't describe it.

Also, Ben gets back from London today. I baby-sat his house while he and his family were gone. It was fun having a house all to myself, but it was also a little scary at times. One night last week their porch light came on and i was sure I heard robbers walking aboutnd in the house. I almost called a friend at 1:30 a.m. to ask if he could come save me. However I decided that it would be embarassing to call him over noises the furnace was making so I didn't.

jacque

Today is my baby sister's birthday! She's turning eighteen. Now she's old enough to join the army, smoke, see an R movie in the theater, and vote. She'd probably only do the last two, depending on the movie.

Jacque and I go back a long way - we had our first fight before she was even born! I was sitting on my mom's lap having a book read to me and she started kicking me. That was pretty much the story of our childhood. Then we got into out teens and we were fine.

I got to be in a life-group with her when she was 15-16, which was really cool. (For those who don't know, a life group is a group of 2-4 people who hold each other accountable.) I got to watch her grow a lot in that time.

Even though she's my little sister there are a lot of ways I really admire her. One thing is that she's a very steady person, it takes a lot to make her focus waver. Another is her super quiet times. The girl will go in her room and totally lose track of time and be in there with God for hours. And although she has dyslexia she reads about ten chapters of the Bible a day! Needless to say she's still growing a lot in her walk with God.

Anyway happy birthday Jacque!! :D

missed my flight

Last night I dreamed that I missed my flight. I spent the whole night going from plane to plane trying to catch up to my friends who hadden't missed the flight like I had. It always seemed like they were impossibly far ahead of me. I never caught up.

In real life most of my closest friends left for London yeterday.

quite simply amazing

Ok, I must rave about God a little. I was recently alone with Him in the prayer room and He was telling me about Himself. He truly rocks in His ability to bring hope to hopeless times, wholeness to the broken, help to the helpless, and just basically bring something out of nothing.

Right now I'm going through what should over all be the most disillusioning, crippling, hopeless time I've ever faced. Seems like there has been a lot of down time where I'm just so spun around in hurt and confusion that I can't lift my head from disillusionment, hopelessness, and the horrible feeling of being totally crippled inside.

However, my friends have been praying for me through it all (I owe you guys some major prayer time!) and God is teaching me a lot. He's showing me that even though right now I feel like I'm being emptied and I'm so hurt I don't even know who I am anymore, He is showing me that He is still in control. He knows what's going on and is not the least bit confused. (Psalm 139:11,12) He takes debilitating scars and turns them into medals and strength to run. He uses those who've been reduced to nobodies! When I am strong enough to lift my eyes from what's going on and look at Him I see His hand at work already. I can see a little how He's molding my character. I can see Him maturing my faith. He's refining my walk with Him and incredibly deepening my vision. And - possibly best of all - He's giving me this crazy hunger for Him lately. I don't know how to explain it exactly, I feel like a beginner all over again. Like I don't know God at all yet and I've got to go crazy searching Him out in the Bible, in my time with Him, and in prayer for my friends.

It's so amazing how He uses impossible situations. Could it be? A reason to the hard times? At last, the faint whisper of an answer for life's why's? A blessing in disguise that brings us closer to the most amazingly true love ever known? A door to the beautiful?

birthdays

Today is Isaac's 18th birthday. In honor of the occasion we threw him a birthday party and had the best game of freeze ever. Poor Isaac went through three scenes in which he was being beaten with a rolled-up magazine! We also put together a scrapbook of encouraging birthday notes from all his friends and tried to get as many out of town people as possible.

I've known Isaac since just after he turned thirteen. He's grown a lot in five years and taught me much. When I first met him I'd been on three summer mission trips with Teen Mania but my vision would fade between summers. His vision was way more consistent than mine and he was younger. I used to think I had to wait till I grew up before I really had a vision that was steady. He also taught me to go after the vision in prayer for the nations and in knowing what's going on in the world. I've grown a lot in these areas, but I still look up to him in regards to vision. (Literally! :p)

My dog Sarah shares a birthday with Isaac, she is turning five today. (I think I've teased Isaac about this as long as I've known him, will I ever grow up?) She's a very cute brown Labrador. She was also the runt and consequentially is still undersized and looks like a puppy. Sarah still has her puppy fur too so she's very soft.

Anyway, happy birthday to both of you!

womens' retreat

I just got back from Immanuel Fellowship's first ever womens' retreat. It was so much fun. It was clear that the women who planned it put a lot of work and prayer into it.

God spoke to me a lot over the weekend. First about giving myself to Him more completely in a few areas. He showed me an area where I need a deeper trust in Him and be persuing to accept His ideas about who I am. Yes, I know I'm being vague but most of the stuff God spoke to me was really personal. And of course (drum roll please) He spoke to me about modesty! However, since boys read this I don't really want to give the specifics on that either. ; )

Well maybe I will talk about modesty a little. It can be a pretty controversial subject somethimes. Yet if I really love God with everything that would include the way I dress. Generally I think I'm pretty good about modesty, but I should always be open to God challenging me to a higher standard in any area. If I really love Him what less could I do?

no more why

"Do they really matter, all the whys? Could all the answers take away the pain, or all the reasons really dry my eyes, though from Heaven’s court? No, I would weep again. My God, You have saved me from Hell’s black abyss; oh, save me now from the tyranny of bitterness!" ~Anonymous

I’ve asked why so many times in the past, "God why did you allow this?" or "God why did it happen that way?" or "God I know in Your power You could have kept me from pain here, why didn’t You?" I’ve looked so hard for these answers before. I’ve tortured myself asking God over and over. It seems like usually He doesn’t answer. Even when He does He never seems to answer the weightier questions, only the smaller, less painful ones. I’ve seen the truth of this quote a few times when God has answered me; the hurt goes on despite the answer. Most of the time though my whys are left unanswered by God.

I think I’m learning though. In the past I’ve been angry at God for not answering me. As if He owed me answers; as if I had a right to demand them of Him. God is so patient with me. He has shown me that He has something better than answers to tortured questions. He knows no answer is enough. In His wisdom I think He allows us to ask and is silent. He’s waiting for us to be silent and trust Him.

God taught me this through the lesson Oral learned in the book Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis. Oral loses her younger sister. After this she spends her life angrily blaming God and searching for meaning, asking why her younger sister had to be taken from her. The book is written in the first person as Oral’s memoir by the end she’s found the answer. "I ended my first book with the words ‘no answer.’ I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice? Only words, words...."

It sounds funny at first when you read it but it’s so true. Since reading that I’ve been asking God to give me that attitude and teach me to look into His eyes for answers. He’s drawn me close and melted away those horrible, torturing whys in His love. In His wisdom He withholds answers that will not even begin to dim the pain. Instead He patiently waits for us to give in and come to Him so He can take us in His arms, chase away the questions, and heal us in His love.

oops

Sorry about that last wordless post. I was having troubles using blogger. Either that or blogger wasn't working so well. Anyway, I was so sure the post titled "idealism" that actually had words was dumped so I tried again. Funny, I thought it had not worked at all. I guess it did...sorta. But I can't erase the empty post thanks to Ben who put a comment on it. Ben comments when there are no words and is silent when there are. :s

idealism

Being idealistic, at least as I've always understood it, is a somewhat negative quality. Maybe I'm wrong but usually when I hear someone get called idealistic it seems to imply that they are inexperienced with life and unrealistic. In the background is a whisper, "Just wait, time and age will beat some reality into you." Idealism is idealistic because it's young and doesn't know any better.

Maybe it's just me and my view of things, but these implications result in me subtly expecting somewhere in the back of my mind that one day I too will grow up, see the world as it is in it's dirtiness, and let go of my idealism for something a little more realistic.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately; this isn't the way it should be in the Kingdom of God. We're supposed to enter God's Kingdom as children (Matthew 18:3) and are called children of God (John 1:12, Romans 8:16), so wouldn't it follow that if we are children in this Kingdom than shouldn't we have and value youthful qualities such as teachability, humility, trust, faith, unconditional love, and idealism.

Maybe idealism is a quality we should cling to as we get older and something we should ask God to keep fresh in our hearts. Yea, I know everyone grows up. If they're serving God they're going to take a beating along the way, they will get accused of things they never did, they will be hated, and they will see the dirty ugly side of the world. Those serving God will have plenty of opportunity to get the idealism knocked out of them. Last night in Acts class Jerrie said, "When there's opposition you've either made an impact or you're about to."

What are the odds that a person could hold onto idealism under fire? Is it even possible? I have to believe it is. Maybe it's not possible to hold on to it 100% of the time, but maybe like vision it comes back. On this journey with God we'll see a lot of the impossibilities and nastiness of the world, but I think that as we choose to keep following anyway we'll see a lot more of God's power and the beauty He's created. The more we know of God the more idealistic we should get because less and less seems impossible. God keep me idealistic; keep me trusting You.

idealism

vision comes again

People are so weak. This is extra true of me it seems. God gives a vision for our lives and we lose it. Time, age, hurt, cynicism, or apathy erase it. God's given me vision for my life. I think I lost it nearly completely a year ago, somewhere between November and July. I used to think I was some superhero who would save the world one day. Thought I would do great things for God. I was young and idealistic. (Ok, I was younger. Hey, I'm allowed a little drama aren't I?) That all went away. I'm not supergirl. Going through the motions not really believing God will ever use you is, well, yuck. Wandering around in gray semi-aimlessness.

Over the last six months in the prayer room I've found vision returning. That's putting it lightly. I found it flooding my spiritual senses like the welcome relief of sudden rivers flooding a desert. I'd nearly forgotten the taste. It was so good to have it back. Like an old friend who moved away for awhile and then came back. While vision was gone we'd both changed though so things aren't the same. I'm not supergirl anymore and saving the world is not within my reach. However, God has brought vision back bigger, stronger, and more wildly beautiful than I would have thought.

Over the last two months I think I lost it again. I am weak. I haven't been spending as much time with God since the prayer room closed. It reopened today and God has challenged me in having me commit to a few more hours than I would've thought I could handle. Seems like whenever He challenges me like that the time works out and the results of obeying Him are quite lovely. I have this feeling that He's going to be bringing vision back soon. Once again I'll be weaker but the vision will have grown in strength and beauty.

Maybe that's how it works if we allow it. The vision God gives is too heavy; it falls out of our hands. In God's over-the-top faithfulness He brings the vision back, over and over. In time we realize that we're too little to hold onto it ourselves. Meanwhile the vision grows, or maybe God just lets us see more of it. We learn to let God hold the vision in one hand and in the other hand we let Him hold ours and just go along with Him as He fulfills it in us. Boy I wish I'd hurry up and learn that.

a tale of three kings

I just read this really great book...for the fourth time. It is A Tale of Three Kings, by Gene Edwards. It is imho, it's one of the best Christian books I've ever read, by one of my favorite authors. It looks at the life of king David and how he handled authority, both Saul's authority over him and his authority over Absalom. It talks about how God used Saul's terrible treatment of David to crush him and remove the "Saul" from David's heart allowing him to be a man after God's own heart rather than just another power-hungry ruler. Saul was the tool that moulded David into the man God wanted him to be.

faithfulness

I've been thinking about God's faithfulness lately. I guess mainly because I've been struggling with it a lot. I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's like the last few weeks I've totally forgotten everything I ever knew about His faithfulness. I'm coming back around now, but I feel like I've totally started over with less knowledge than before. :s Maybe it's not so bad though. I mean, maybe it was like I had all these ideas about His faithfulness built up and they seemed really good. However there must have been a serious weakness in there somewhere because I lost it all. I mean all of it. Now I'm starting over and hoping God will build my ideas about His faithfulness stronger this time around.

I think my biggest struggle has been a fear that He will get mad at me and abandon me. I've had a relationship with God long enough to know better. I'm not really sure why my concept of His faithfulness came crashing down. But it did. I was so scared that I would eventually do something bad enough to chase Him away. The fear was taking over. I was distancing myself from Him thinking He would give up on me. However, God's been showing me that He already knows the worst horror I am capable of. He knows more of my worst than I'll ever have opportunity to see. Nothing I do will ever shock Him into changing His mind about loving me.

Something else He showed me was about these verses in John 10:27-29,

"My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they
follow Me; and I give eternal life to them, and they will never perish; and no
one will snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is
greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's
hand."

No one is strong enough to take me out of His hand - including me. I got this picture the other day while I was asking God to show me His faithfulness again. It's like I was trapped inside this grave (like the kind they had in Jesus' time which was a cave with a HUGE boulder rolled down over the entrance to seal it) and I couldn't move the boulder and free myself. Then Jesus came and moved the boulder for me and let me out. I came out into a beautiful garden where I could be friends with God. After I came out the boulder slid back down into place. No strength of mine can remove the boulder to allow myself to crawl back into the dark grave. I wasn't strong enough to move it away to free myself nor am I strong enough to move it away to imprison myself again. No matter what.

I'm not sure how all of that stands up theologically. It's just that I'm seeing God is faithful. That is His character. It doesn't change. I can be unfaithful, I can be a brat, I can throw a fit, I can walk away from Him, and He will remain solidly faithful. His faithfulness has nothing to do with who I am or how I behave. It's all wrapped up in who He is. I have given my life to Him. I've reminded Him (and me) of that so many times. He is faithful. I may someday forget that I am His, but He will never forget. If I ever fall He will catch me. If I ever give up, He will bring me back. In the past I've feared that one day I would stupidly walk away from God and forget He's the best thing that I've ever known. I'm seeing that if I ever did forget Him, He would not forget me. He would chase me and win my heart back. He would remind me. God is not insecure or easily offended by my weakness, He's bigger than that. He's faithful, longer than the sun and moon, longer than the stars, longer than the galaxies, and certainly longer than my short breath of life. He is faithful beyond the end of time.

where would i go?

On the edge
Pushed too far
No energy left to fight
Maybe it's time to give in

But where would I go?
I've glimpsed life that's real

Where would I go?
I've tasted the only true love

Where would I go?
I've heard the music of eternity

There's nowhere else
Quitting would be inner death
I lost my vision to the pain
But I can't give in to it's pull

Bring back the vision
Renew the strength to fight
Awake in me the desire again
God help me seek Your face
You are my only hope

servanthood

Last night our housechurch talked about servanthood. Somehow we managed to talk about two different aspects of it. Both how we as a housechurch need to be serving one another and how we need to serve others outside of our group. We decided to raise money to help those hit by the tsunami in Asia. The death toll is so huge I almost can't get my mind to understand how that many people could be dead. God help us raise money and please use it to make a real difference.

lonely

I'm having one of those days. A few of them actually. One of those days where it doesn't really matter what you're doing or where you are you just feel lonely. I don't like being in this kind of mood. Yuck. Maybe because I'm working full-time. Probably because Marie's in China. She's having fun there, I'm glad she's there, but I miss her a lot. She comes back tomorrow though and I'm going to clean her room for her. I think she's already on her way so hopefully she won't get a chance to read this and she'll be surprised.

computer ate my post

Well, as my little sister Jacque was so faithful to post, we spent the weekend at our grandparents' house in Nebraska. I tried to post earlier. I wrote this long, rambling post about Christmas. However while I was attempting to run spell check the computer dumped my post. As it was long and the hour was late I did not want to take the time to rewrite it. Now after a couple day's thought I've decided not to post such a rambling thing anyway.

We had car trouble on the way to my grandparents' house so my parents and I had to drive back two days early to pick up another transmission and take it back to our poor stranded suburban so my dad can fix it. They dropped me off at my house in Summit on the way because I have to work Wednesday. My dad was pretty sure he would not have the transmissions switched by then, so here I am. It was nice being with everyone, even if it was shorter than I planned.

holiday rush

Last Saturday (I know, I'm posting late) the housechurch had a Christmas dinner. Beforehand, Isaac, Tyller and I were talking about questions we could ask people while we ate. One that Isaac came up with was this: how do the holidays effect your walk with God? Does it take you closer to Him or does the busyness of the holidays distract you? Though we ran out of time and thus never got to that question, it made me evaluate myself. I have been distracted this month. Especially since school ended and I've been working full time.

Not that I haven't been growing or learning over the last month. It's been hard, possibly the hardest this year. Seems like I've been learning some of the basics over again. Funny how we never grow out of those. Basic trust that God will work things out with my job, that He will provide for me, that He will give me wisdom for decisions about my future, that He has the power to change my heart, and that He will never stop loving me. The power that saved me, that placed me in God's strong hands is the same power that keeps me from falling out of those strong hands.

happy birthday to me

Today is my 21st birthday! I'm very excited for no good reason that I can think of. I haven't done anything that only those real adults over 21 can do. I did get tricked by a bottle of cream soda disguised as beer that my little sister Joanie gave me. (Yes, I'm gullible sometimes.) I was also sang to by all the housechurch leaders today. Very nice.

inseparable

Check out Acts 9:1-5

I was reading Acts again recently and I noticed something in this passage. So Saul's persecuting the church and Jesus appears to him and asks, "Saul, why are you persecuting Me?" I was thinking about that. Saul wasn't persecuting Jesus, He was persecuting the church, right? Wait, if the body of Christ is the church, then to persecute the church is to persecute Jesus. It would be ridiculous to beat someone up, leave their head untouched and say that you didn't beat them you beat their body. I used to be like that. I separated in my mind Jesus from His body the church. I used to be hurt and bitter towards the church. Recently God showed me that I had to let go of the last scraps of bitterness I held onto against segments of the church. He showed me that I was hurting Jesus with my attitudes towards His beloved bride the church. Jesus keep teaching me to love Your bride like You do and see her with Your eyes.

days and nights

"Then God said, "let there be light"; and there was light. God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from the darkness. God called the light day, and the darkness He called night. And there was evening and there was morning, one day." ~ Genesis 1:3-5

I didn't have the greatest day yesterday. Nothing really happened, I just had this bad attitude I couldn't seem to shake. Yea, maybe something is kinda bothering me, but it's not the type of thing that should be a whole day-ruiner. I think my own attitude and inability to make it go away bothered me the most. I went to sleep in a bad mood. This morning, however, I woke up in a great mood and I had a nice dream last night about hanging out with some of my friends.

(Thanks guys we had a nice time. ;)

Anyway I was thinking, God was very wise when He separated days from nights. Think about it, what would life be like if we couldn't go to sleep at the end of a bad day. Bad days would just go on and on and on and on......

God knew how weak we would be sometimes. He gave us days so that we could start over in the morning. I think that's possibly my favorite part of how God designed the world. Colors were also a very good idea, so was snow, and the ability to see in 3-D......

"The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness." ~ Lamentations 3:22,23

i survived

Ok, so after two almost-all-nighters in a row I got two presentations, two papers, and a test done. I must say that energy drinks, especially Red Bull, deserve some of the credit. I couldn't have stayed up so many hours with a functioning brain without them. Also Ben's mom Tammy helped me on a statistics project for like seven hours. She is a superhero. Well I need to go sleep my brain's not working too well anymore....

has panic set in yet?....yes.

It's that time of year, end of semester finals! Rather than having finals, I have big projects in two of my classes this semester. I've been working on them thinking, like all sensible end-of-semester projects that they would be due on the last day or something logical like that. No, no. Today I happened to take a closer look at both my syllabus' and realized that no, they're both due this week, not next week. One tomorrow (or I guess later today) and one the day after that. I am not going to get much sleep these next two days. :(