sweet 18?

So today I achieved something that no other person has and I deserve a prize. I attended all three of my little sister's birthday parties. Yes, I know, I have three little sisters so it's no big deal right? Wrong. All these parties that I've been going to were all in honor of Joanie who turned eighteen today. She's had a party every Saturday for the last three weeks, it's been great. First she had a chick flick movie party, then a snowmobiling party, and now a swimming party.

Now why does this girl get three 18th birthday parties? Well, let me tell you. First of all she's just that super kind of person that has the friends and the popularity to pull off three different parties. At every party she had a completely different set of friends, I'm the only person who made it to more than one. I'm jealous. She's agreeable, easy to get along with, our arguments stay fun and happy, and she's so witty that her sense of humor frequently leaves me in helpless laughter. Joanie's also very sensitive to the pain of others; she's quite sweet when she's not being totally sassy. Obviously this is one of my favorite people to be with. Other people must think so too, very clever.

why do i care?

The last few months I've been challenged with a question: Why do I care? I'm not being cynical or cheeky here....well, trying not to be.

I guess a few friends don't seem too interested in being my friend anymore. I'm trying, in my own little introverted way to keep things up, but I feel a bit alone and unnoticed in my efforts. I am frustrated, I'm discouraged, and I feel like I'm so uncool that it's contagious. Hence the nagging question, why do I care?

Why do I care about the people around me? Do I genuinely love them and want to be friends? Or am I only in it for me? Do I only want them to come see a movie with me because it's lame to go alone, or do I really want to be with that person? Am I striving to be friends so that I can give to others or so that I can get? Do I invite friends in to my life for their sake or mine? Am I only friends with people to boost my own ego? Are people just numbers by which I measure my own success? Why am I trying?

The answers? I don't know. I think part of the problem is I don't feel like I have much of anything to offer.

i finally admit it

Somewhere in the last two weeks I have finnally decided to admit it. I don't want to be a nurse anymore. I haven't for awhile, but I'm just now deciding to face the fact that I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Zippo.

ice climbing

I know I'm late in posting, my ice climbing class ended Sunday. However, I couldn't write anything about it because my hands hurt from gripping the picks. I had no idea that a single sport could make so many muscles sore all at the same time. ;)

It was such a fun class. Thursday we went to the gym to learn to belay (basically catch the climber if they fall). Having never rock climbed I found it slightly hard to believe that with only a few tools I could catch a man falling off the gym's rock wall. The teacher proved I can by making me catch him after he climbed up and let go. That night I was also allowed to climb. Yikes. I discovered that I am more afraid of heights than I thought and that don't really trust the rope to catch me. I went and told my friend that I had climbed all the way up a rock wall for the first time. She waved it off and told me that I had only climbed the easy one. ehh....

With that pride check in mind I went to our all-day class on Saturday quite afraid that the whole thing would be one big flop. We hiked up to Chalk Creek Falls, a lovely frozen water fall in the middle of nowhere. I was awed by the beauty of it. Much to my dismay the ladies first rule was applied. It actually turned out way easier than the bit of rock climbing I did in the gym. Once I had climbed high enough to be on the vertical part, where it was too steep to hold snow, I could see through the ice I was on. It was thick but clear as glass and I could see water still rushing beneath. It was so beautiful I had to stop climbing and just stare at it. I also went up a second time and repelled down.

The second day didn't go as well for me. We went to the teacher's house where he has his own 70-foot ice wall (twice as tall as Saturday). It too was lovely, a thick tower of bluish ice with the winter sun shining through it. It also had a cave inside which reminded me of a fairly tale. However, this ice was either vertical or overhung making it much harder. My arms were already sore from the day before and after about four tries I had to stop. All of us fell so many times; it was kinda funny. Yet some of the guys did really well and could get up the whole tower. I realized their secret only after I was too burned-out to climb any more. They trusted the rope and the belayor to catch them. I wasted a lot of energy because I climbed as if no one would catch me if I fell. They guys who made it to the top also didn't stop no matter how many times they fell. The rope didn't allow them to fall far and so they'd stick their tools right back in the ice and keep going. I acted as if the rope's mercy were limited to a three falls you're out basis. Hmmm, I think I hear an analogy about trust in there somewhere......

Anyway this post is getting long, and is sadly without pictures. No worries, I'm hoping to get some up in a week or so. Oh, and we all got A's. :D

single awareness day

Happy single awareness day! This is a wonderful day of the year….especially if you’re single…..especially if you live in the United States where every obscure holiday is over-commercialized to the point of being obnoxious. By the end of the day you’re ready to say “bah humbug” the next married person who wishes you a “Happy Valentine’s Day.” I so wanted to make fun of the guy who was desperate enough to ask me out while I was shopping for dinner in the grocery store but I felt a twinge of pity so I made a dumb excuse instead.

Despite my scrooge-like attitude I had a good day. Work was nice and calm. I ate chocolate. I got together with some friends to pray. I suppose also got every single girl’s dream for the evening…..

That’s right I spent Valentine’s evening not with one but six athletic, single guys my age. Turns out I’m the only girl in my college who wanted to take Beginning Ice Climbing this semester. :s Petite little me with no climbing experience in an ice climbing class with seven guys (one married) who can all already at least rock climb. What was I thinking? Can anyone say awkward?

Oh, well. I seem to enjoy jumping in slightly over my head. This will be interesting…..

happy 19

Today is Jacque's 19th birthday. Her last year of teenagerhood. :0 :0 She had a great birthday party last night with all her fellow teenmaniacs. Someone else's mom threw her and her daughter a party. A couple of weeks ago she also got her hair cut short. She's sooo cute. :D :D

Today we also finally finished the redecoration of the prayerroom. The housechurch that meets on Thursdays came to help. We probably wouldn’t be done yet if it wasn’t for all their help. It looks so good. Unfortunately, I don’t have any pictures just yet, but I'm very tired now. I’ll try to get some up later. :D

luther

A bunch of people got together and watched the movie Luther tonight, the movie about Martin Luther. I really like this movie. I like studying the people in history who did things totally unprecedented. Their courage is so admirable whether they are a scientist, inventor, social worker, reformer, or missionary. They stand facing an impossible wall of what’s never been done before, they count the cost of change, and they go for it despite the doubt.

I especially like Martin Luther. He could’ve been killed for what he believed. When he was on trial for heresy he was told to recant. His answer was unless you can prove to me, from the scriptures, that I have erred I will not recant. Here I stand, I can do no other. That’s one of my favorite lines in history: “Here I stand, I can do no other.”

As I watched Luther with my friends I noticed something interesting. The movie was not made by a Christian film company. They did their research well, and the story was pretty accurate, but it’s the way they portrayed Martin as a priest that impressed me.

When Martin accepts the position he’s struggling with his faith. While he’s there he studies the Bible and his faith comes alive. Meanwhile as a priest he does his best to help those entrusted to him. He tenderly helps the poor and those who are either confused about God or trapped by religious fears. Loving people and seeking the truth are more important to him than the traditions of his time. He also preaches hope and freedom to people who’ve been caught in a performance-oriented religion. He also will not compromise what he believes even when faced with death. Yet Martin struggles just like anyone; he’s not a perfect saint.

I’m thinking, is this the Christianity that the world is looking for? Honest hunger for truth, no compromise, sincere love for everyone including those who make mistakes, a gentle confidence when speaking the truth, and a message of hope rather than of condemnation? Is that what the world wants? This really isn’t the “relevancy” that much of the church seems to strive for. His stand was that of no compromise. However, there is love, understanding, hope, and sensitivity that cut through any barrier.

Interesting, I read so much talk in the church on how to be relevant. Maybe the world doesn’t want relevance. Maybe it just wants sincerity, gentleness, truth, hope, and love. Really, that’s the heart of what we should be anyway.

crazy week

Ok, this week has been rather insane at work and so I would like to tell the world. It's been an exciting week at work. Now since I work at a children's clinic excitement would be a bad thing. A very, very bad thing

Monday: The morning was packed, every available appointment was taken. Dr. Chris however, never turns down a sick child. So at the beginning of our lunch we saw a three week old baby that was sick. Brett, the nurse's assistent, went to check the baby in. He noticed that the baby had turned grey and was barely moving. He got the nurse. That baby's oxygen was at 64! (For those of you who don't know, brian damage can happen when it get's as low as 90.) So they put the baby on oxygen, discovered it had RSV (same aweful thing I had last couple of weeks, very dangerous in kids that young) and called an ambulance to take the baby boy to the Children's Hospital in Denver. As soon as they left we had a head injury on an eleven year old boy come in. He had somehow managed to smack himself in the head with a shovel. How he accomplished this I can only guess. The mom said his eye dialated but it fortunately wasn't as seirous as she thought. Then we got a call that the ambulance with that baby had turned around before it got to Denver, which means that something went majorly wrong. We were all worried and praying because we thought that the baby was going to die.

Tuesday: Also very full. We found out that the baby lived and that after bringing it back to our hospital to stableize it they finally took it to the hospital in Denver. It's now in ICU (intensive care unit) on a ventelator (breathing machine) they don't yet know when that baby will be out. If you think of it pray for that family, for that little baby to get all the way better, they are new parents and probably quite freaked out, and ventelators are very expensive. About lunch today we had another injury walk in. A seven year old boy slipped on the ice, cracked his nose and punctured his lip. Yikes, there was a good bit of blood so we moved things around to get him in right away.

Wednesday: We saw 29 people in five hours. I was at work from 8h - 19h. It was crazyness and insanity times five. RSV, flu, and a nasty little stomach bug, have hit Summit pretty hard this year. RSV is more contageous than the flu if that gives you any idea. Half the church has had it this month. The first hour we were open we had to see eight people in an hour. (We only have four rooms so four people in an hour is considered busy, but Chris never turns down a sick kid.) The first three kids who came in all tested positve for RSV (extra nasty chest cold and a few other yucky symtoms), one we sent to the hospital and the other two got brething treatments and oxygen. All this respitory stuff is made much worse for the little kids when you throw in the fact that we are at 9,000 feet above sea level and there's less oxygen in the air so more kids require oxygen when they get sick.

Usually I work to the sounds of angry/hurt screams in the background of kids who do NOT want to get shots. Having grown up in a daycare my mom ran I'm pretty good at consentrating with a high noise level. This week the background noise at the clinic has been totally different. It's much quieter. The children don't feel well enough to scream at the sight of the doctor. It's all the most pitiful noises children can make. Weak, half-hearted crying, coughing, wet coughing, dry coughing, very weak coughing, and a lot of bad wheezing. It makes me want to cry.

very happy

I just finished my first art class for this semester! I've wanted to be an artist as long as I can remeber. Art Class has always been my favorite. However, having homeschooled most of my life I haven't had much opportunity to. Very sad. :( But now I'm taking art for a whole semester and each class lasts three hours. I'm so happy I could bounce off the walls! This class is going to be so cool. First upon looking at everyone else's work I have discovered that they are all better than me. I'll be way more challenged in this class than usual. (Usually I'm at the top and my pride gets stroked a lot which causes it to undertake spasmotic growth spurts, not good.) Also, we can work on whatever we want, in whatever media. So I can just do whatever I want and get feedback from a room full of people more talented than me. This is exciting. The teacher will help me get better at whatever I want to get better at. Oh the posibilities, and only one semester!

**floats away on happy cloud

story of grace

Today begins a new chapter in what I hope someday we will all look back on as a story of grace. Today a brother and a sister who left Immanuel Fellowship over a year ago due to a lot relational problems that were piling up came back. It's been quite tense between them and a lot of people. Today they came and he got up and apologized for the way he'd hurt some people and said that they want to be a part again. They've looked but haven't found any other chruch that is like a family. Mike called the man's wife up front as well. He was hugging them and about to pray for the couple but he never got the chance. Erick put his gutar down and stepped off the stage to give them a wlecoming hug. Pat, Todd, and Tammy were right behind him. Then suddenly most of the people in the church (everyone who knew them) went to the front to join in what had spontaneously become a group hug. Lots of crying and welcoming words. We've missed them. God please let this be a story of grace on all our parts. Heal the hurts on both sides. Give us the grace to forgive all and love freely again.

Patty & Justin

Today is the wedding of two of my friends, Patty and Justin. (Hence the title of today's post.) It was a nice little wedding, sort and sweet with a long reception afterwards. The extra cool part was that Patty's older brother Bobby got to preform the ceremony and prononce them man and wife. He was so excited to do it and said all these great big-brotherly things to both of them. Then the parents came up to pray for the new couple. It was sweet.


P.S. It's an odd thing being a single twenty-something. I'm that age where all my friends seem to be getting married. I'm losing count. Not that it really makes me want to rush out and get married any time soon. It's just odd.

oops

I think I screwed up my html with that map. Oh well, maybe it'll get better on it's own. :p

my map

Look what I found on Gordon's blog. It's so cool. Go make your own, it's fun. ;)



create your own visited countries map
or vertaling Duits Nederlands

failed

I’ve been sick this week. I got sent home from work, and I’m still not well enough to go back yet. Whatever I have leaves me wired so that I can’t get to sleep very easily. It’s been a good time to read.

For Christmas I got a book called Safely Home. It’s a fictional book about two roommates who are reunited in China after 20 years. The American has become a successful businessman, the other returned to China and gave up his dreams so that he could serve Jesus there. The book is very well researched and it’s one of those that’s very hard to put down. I’m beginning to think I should have put it on my seven best books list I made a few days ago.

At the same time it’s kind of a painful read for me. It’s already made me cry twice and I‘m little over half-way through. (I can count on one hand the books that have made me cry.) When I was a teen I read the book Jesus Freaks, a collection of true stories of people who’ve died for their faith. It inspired me to want to give everything for Jesus, even to be willing to die. I knew that as a Westerner it was not very likely that I would ever be on the wrong end of a gun with someone commanding me to deny Jesus. I knew it was unlikely that I would ever be beaten or see any of my friends killed for Jesus’ name. Unlikely, but not impossible. Yet even if I never faced such a test I prayed for the love to be able to. After all, Jesus said that the greatest commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. If that kind of love is impossible for a Westerner who may never face such tests, than God wouldn’t have asked it. He asked it, so there must be a way even in the relative safety of my country. It was one of my most frequent prayers.

If the last couple years have been a test than I’ve failed miserably. I have lost for taking a stand and choosing not to be swayed or turned from where I feel God has called me to be. Have I lost everything? There have been moments of self-pity where I have thought so. In reality, no I have not come near to losing everything. Some relationships have changed or been lost which has hurt. Looking back I have not been the hero I had spent so much time praying I’d be. I have not suffered loss joyful to be worthy of suffering for Jesus. About as far as you could go in the opposite direction actually. I haven’t quit or run away, but that’s God’s doing, not mine. It’s been a very discouraging discovery that I would not have what it takes.

However, the book is also very encouraging. The Chinese man, Li Quan, was the son of an illegal pastor. He too faced a test and failed. His father was imprisoned and killed for his faith, his mother died in an earthquake. He became an atheist. Amazingly he gets the opportunity to go to college in America where his roommate is a Christian. Li Quan is reunited with the Jesus his parents gave all to serve. He goes back to China after college and is imprisoned many times for his faith. Speaking of Quan someone in the book states that, “Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward. But properly learned, the lesson forever changes the man.” Though Li Quan’s actions are heroic in my book, he is scared when he’s about to be beaten and he never claims to be a brave man. He is human. Though he still feels the guilt of abandoning his parents as they suffered, he does his best with his second chance. If you asked Quan if he has what it takes to face the persecution he faces, he would proabably say no. He'd say that it's Jesus who keeps him going. Li Quan failed but the world didn't end there and so I’ll be praying that prayer again.....

giving blood

Today I gave blood. It's only the second time I've done it. I like donating blood. It's fun and I get to be someone's hero, what more could a girl ask for on a beautiful Saturday afternoon? :p

It took me less than ten minutes to give a pint of blood. The woman said my bleeding speed was a steady nine on a scale of one to nine. I'm proud of my skills.

......must be why it hurt so much more this time. :(

seven

things to do before I die

1. go to Antarctica
2. live in London
3. learn to speak with a proper British accent
4. successfully smuggle Bibles
5. learn to speak French
6. go on a medical mission trip
7. go to Alaska

things I cannot do

1. be somewhere I don’t feel wanted
2. focus for more than five minutes
3. trust a guy who has a crush on me
4. speak French understandably
5. stay calm when I’m really excited
6. watch people hurt other people
7. drink coffee and like it

things I say most often

1. go away! (while laughing)
2. I don’t know
3. grrrrr
4. boys! arg.....
5. we can take my car
6. brilliant
7. I’m sorry, could you repeat that, I quit paying attention there.....

books I love

1. the Bible
2. Till we Have Faces
3. A Tale of Three Kings
4. Quo Vidas
5. A Chance to Die
6. Red Moon Rising
7. The Vision

movies I could watch over and over

1. Narnia
2. The Runaway Bride
3. Batman Begins
4. Chicken Run
5. Starwars
6. The Neverending Story
7. X-Men

people to do this next

1. Jacque

I can’t think of anyone else who hasn’t already done this.....

New Year

Today I moved into my new room. I'm still at the Simon's house but no longer in the laundry room. Now I have a real bedroom with a lock on the door and windows. I have a bathroom and access to the kitchen. Good way to start the new year.

And what about 2005? It was an incredibly hard year for me. It's easy to look at the negatives but I need to make some space for the good. They say you learn a lot through hard times. What did I learn? Hmmmm.....

• I finished reading through the Bible for the second time. It's amazing how much just reading the Bible helps; even when there are no great flashes of revelaton there's still something there.
• "For He [God] knows our frame, He remembers that we are but dust." - Psalm 103:14. I think I'm am slowly learning this one. God does not expect me to be a super-saint. He knows that I am human, weak, dust, and He is not up there demanding what I am incapeable of giving.
• "I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have drawn you with loving kindness." - Jeremiah 31:3 I think I understand this verse on a much deeper level as well. God's love is everlasting. A song we used to sing says "Your love is deeper than my view of grace, higher than this worldly place, longer than this road I travel, wider than the gap You've filled." I can never run out of it. Funny, this time last year I was so sure I was on the edge of running out of love and mercy. Betsie ten Boom said, "There is no pit so deep that His love is not deeper still." Jesus stands above all gods in that He alone has the power to come to us and hold us no matter where we are; all other gods are too weak, they require us to come to them.
• "For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may recieve mercy and find grace to help in time of need." - Hebrews 4:15-16. One of my friends has reminded me of this a few times. Even when no one else understands Jesus understands. He walks with me and fells my pain every bit as intensly as I do. He holds me and crys with me like no one else ever could.
• "You have taken account of my wanderings; put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?" - Psalm 56:8. It's very hard for me to cry. Somehow I've learned to think it's an aweful, shameful thing. People used to laugh at me a lot when I was little and would cry. Then I learned not to let people see it. This year I've learned that God doesn't scoff at my pain. It's precious to Him. I'm free to cry with God.
• Jesus is the "author and perfecter" of my faith, not me (Hebrews 12:2). It's not my job to force spiritual maturity out of myself. I'm still trying to figure this one out. Where's the ballance between laziness and trying to be the potter? How do I let Jesus be author and still do my part? I am thinking that not as much of it is up to me as I thought.
• I think I've also learned to rely on the friends God has put in my life and admit my own weakness more.

Not that I'm all that great at any of these things. They're just areas I'm begging to see changes in. Hopefully it keeps going.

Emmanuel - God with us

“From the squalor of a borrowed stable,
By the Spirit and a virgin’s faith
To the anguish and the shame of scandal
Came the Savior to the human race….”

This is a Christmas song that Immanuel Fellowship sings. It goes through the entire life of Jesus, “King of Heaven now the friend of sinners, humble servant in the Father’s hands.” The song goes as far as His death, “He fights for breath, He fights for me,” and even to His second coming, “But the skies will part as the trumpet sounds.”

I think this is my favorite Christmas song. Though, I can’t remember all the words, I tried to give a good picture of it. I like it because so many songs we sing focus only on the baby in a manger yet this one goes through His whole life and purpose to save us.

This year I’ve really been struck by God’s passion to save humanity. Just the fact that He came to earth humbly, as a child shows His love. God could’ve come any way He wanted but He came as a servant. I don’t know why but this Christmas for the first time it’s struck me how much more gentle and loving it was of God to come humbly and live among us rather than sweeping down in a chariot of fire and showing us His glory in an unmistakable way.

It so awesome, because He’s God so He already knows everything, I’m sure that included knowing what it’s like to be human. However, He loves us enough to actually want to experience it with us. My favorite part of the song says, “Yes He walked my road and He felt my pain, joys and sorrows that I know so well; yet His righteous steps give me hope again – I will follow my Emmanuel.”

new ring

So back in May I got a ring to remind myself of several promises God made me while in Annecy. I've been surprised how much that little piece of metal has helped me remember what God has spoken to me. It's become rather like a security blanket, something that I take off and twiddle with or just look at when I'm feeling weak and scared that God has changed His mind.

Well in the last seven months some of those promises have been fulfilled in ways I didn't really have the courage to hope for at the time. (Not all of them are all the way yet but more than enough to be sure that God is going to finish it.) Only one remains....but that one will take awhile.

I recently broke my little ring. (***cries a tear) Yesterday my sisters Jacque (she's back from Texas again!) and Joanie, my cousin Marie, and I went shopping at a mall near Marie's house. I decided to buy a new ring as my finger has felt naked these last few days without one. I picked out a pack of five rings all tied together that had one I liked that fit me. Jacque decided she liked three of the others and tried one on. It stuck. My poor sister stood there in that store and worked and worked but to no avail. The ring was stubborn. My sister was thoroughly stuck, probably for life.

Well, since I was going to buy them anyway I comforted her with the fact that we wouldn't have to steal them. We went to the register and the kind girl rung up the rings - right on her hand. Then she was so nice as to cut the string holding them all together so that Jacque would only have to wear the one that was stuck rather than all of them.

She managed to get the ring off when we got back to the house. I'm glad we didn't have to amputate it, but probably not as glad as Jacque is. Anyway, I have a new ring to remember what God has spoken to me and is doing in my life. Jacque got her rings to work as well. Happy ending. :p

narnia

I just saw Narnia for the second time this week. I've read the book several times (I'm losing count) and they did a good job sticking to the original story. Even better, they did a fantastic job maintaining the heart and message that comes across in the book. Rather than downplay, most of the little changes highlighted what a traitor Edmund was and therefore they also highlighted the sacrifice of Aslan.

The characters were all amazingly cast. I've seen several attempts to make The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe into a movie. One of them I had to shut it off after about ten minutes because it was so awful. Usually Aslan's a small puppet or he's got a rather nasal and wimpy sounding voice. The kids are all the wrong ages or look like they just dropped out of the 70's not the 1940's during WWII. Every one of them were about the age the book implies and looking like they lived in 1940's England. They all kept the characters of the book, they even looked the way I've always imagined them. (Well except the witch I always imagined her looking a bit more like Cher. Though I thought the woman who did it played her well.) The character of Edmund, his treachery, and his salvation were excellently done. Aslan was big, strong, gentle, and wild. (That line in the book about Aslan being wild and untameable but incredibly good at the same time has hugely influenced the way I've thought about God since I read the book when I was fifteen.) The witch was just as awful and even trickier than I imagined her.

Ooooo, I want to go read all the Narnia books again and I can't wait till it comes out on movie!

it's over

Hooorah! Biology class is over. I took the last test today. I think I did well, I hope it was good enough to cover the bad grades I got on another couple of tests. :S I guess I'll find out in a few weeks. Anyway, next semester I'm taking art and ice climbing classes. It's supposed to be a very busy season for the clinic.

i'm 22 for a moment

Today is one of my favorite days of the year. Usually on December 13th I have a birthday….actually so far it’s never failed to come. ;) I am now twenty-two and I like the sound of it. Maybe I've lost some maturity between this year and last; I am way more excited about this birthday than I was about the last, and I hear that women older than twenty-one are supposed to dread their birthdays. Oh well, I’ll be immature; denial and lies can come later.

My birthday was kinda odd. First I worked but got off early. Then I went for a run and figured out that I can do mile in twelve minutes without racing. (I have never measured or timed myself before so I’m happy.) Then I went to biology class and forgot my homework. :s But the teacher is letting me turn it in next week. Finally I went home to watch Rabbit Proof Fence with the kids that live in my house and one of their friends. Only two other people were able to come and only one stayed for the movie because it’s finals week.

Crazy way to spend my day but that’s okay. I’m excited anyway. Glad to be alive and wondering what I’ll get to see God do in the next year. What will He do in me? Seems like there’s so much that needs to change in me. God’s on top of it. When He’s ready He will show me how. I’m so excited I want to run another mile or two, but it’s late and my guest took his time leaving so that will have to wait for another day.

victory

I had brekfast with Bill and Jerie, a couple who lead the Tueday night housechurch. I had a great time helping them make breakfast. I got the job of cooking some aweful turkey bacon. It was all of our first and last times eating turkey bacon. ;) Bill's pankakes were wonderful though and they more than made up for the bacon.

Now why am I talking about what we had for breakfast? So I can tell you something amazing and profound that Jerie said of course! :P (At least to me, maybe everyone else is smarter.) I mentioned how I don't feel like I'm where I want to be in my walk with God. Somehow she must have read my mind because this is waht she asked me: "What is victory?" She assumed a superhero pose with her arms raised valiantly above her head, "Is it da, da da daaa?" (At this point I'm thinking, Yes that's Christian victory.) "No, that's not victory." Jerie continued, seeming to answer my thoughts, "Victory in the Christian life is faithfulness. It's following Jesus no matter what."

That hits a bit hard. Like, I know the right answers. I know that you don't have to be a supersaint to be a Christian. Yet I live and think as if somehow I have to impress God with my spirituallity. It's so hard for me to just chill out and quit trying so hard to perform for Him.

the mission bell

Yesterday a random thought popped into my head, "Hmmm...... It's been awhile since Delirious? came out with an album." Since Isaac's not around to check these things for me anymore I decided to check their sight for myself. To my sheer delight I saw the new cover-design of The Mission Bell, their new album. I'm excited; Delirious? is my favorite group. Then today I noticed an e-mail from my friend Isaac, who's currently living in Paris, and there's a music file attached. I can't open it till my next trip to my parents' house, but I think it's the free down-load I saw on their sight.

odd mix

The girls in the family I live with wanted to learn how to make greeting cards with rubber stamps. This can be quite complex, if you’re creative about it. So today my family had them all over to their house (my mom has a gazoon of the necessary supplies) and I taught them how to do anything they could think of to make cards.

Then in a turn away from such girlyness we all, guys included, ate pizza watched Edward Scissorhands. Very strange movie. I think either it’s supposed to have a really, really deep meaning or the writer was totally wasted while he wrote it. Though I kinda liked it, I must admit that I suspect the later of the two options to be true.

God's Spirit

Two of my friends, Isaac and Dan have written about the charismatic gifts. Both posts are more than worth the read. They've made me think a lot. I need to do a bit of sorting-out here.

The first church I went to was my grandparents' Evangelical Free Church which my parents began to attend when my family moved in with my grandparents when I was three. Those types of churches were really the only ones my mom took my sisters and I to all through our many moves. I remember being quite bored and annoyed with being snapped at for being the figetty kid that I was (am).

Then when I was ten we moved to Colorado to stay. As usual we didn't know a soul but soon met a nice homeschool family who went to an altogether different kind of church. They were going to an Assemblies of God church in Summit County and Living Word Fellowship (the second met in our town on Thursday nights). They started taking my mom, sisters, and I. Both are Pentecostal churches but Thursdays were definitely more lively. Unlike the other places I'd been these people definitely believed that God is still active in the world. Suddenly church was interesting. They spoke in tongues, fell down when they were prayed for, jumped around while they sang, randomly shouted "Amen," prayed for healings rather than easy deaths (something that had really bothered me as a small child in other churches and I always refused to go along with despite what the adults said), and they believed that God would give them nice houses and expensive cars. My dad started coming to church with us and we were all baptized in the Holy Spirit.

I became much more interested in God. Suddenly He was so much closer and more accessible than ever before. When all the adults in the small Thursday church began reading through the Bible I joined them and loved it.....till I got to Chronicles and then the long genealogies sapped my determination. I joined an Assemblies of God girl's group in Grandby and kept at reading through the Bible.

It lasted about two years. My family went through a year where we were short on money so we couldn't drive the distances and my dad quit liking the pastor of the Thursday night church. So we started going to the Kremmling Community church (again) when I was thirteen. This church was almost fundamental, which was disturbing after being in the quite dogmatic pentacostal churches. What would happen to my young relationship with God in such a dry, lifeless church? I was really worried and asked God for some help.

It came through an older girl in my Sunday school class when I was fourteen. She had been on several Teen Mania mission trips and helped me get started going on a trip. Now, the extra interesting thing about all these church changes is that while I went to the Community church on Sunday with my parents that same homeschool dad was still taking my sisters and I to the girls' group at the Pentecostal church in Grandby. So I was going to two churches at the same time each saying confidently that the other was wrong. It was a very interesting time. I tried not to think too much, it made my brain hurt. :p

Then I went through something of a crisis. I came home from my first mission trip sky-high on pride. Of course I didn't take long to fall, and I did it hard. My family had also been going through a rough time financially for a few years which affected everything else in the house. The private school I had been going to moved to the other side of our large county in the middle of a year so I quit going and lost all my friends from there right after my fifteenth birthday. My parents decided they didn't want me hanging out with one of my other friends because her parents were scary. (In my parents' defense they really were scary.) The homeschool family that we had been friends with for so long suddenly went through a yucky divorce. My sisters and I watched close-up the breakdown of this family that had influenced us so much. The girl who had introduced me to Teen Mania left the church pregnant during her senior year. One way or another I lost every friend I had in a period of about a month and a half.

Very dark times, but they made me think. Without a friend to lean on, I took a much closer look at my two churches. My parents were not members of the Pentecostal church which caused my sisters and I to have a distinctly lower place in the girls' group. No one but my teacher from middle-school genuinely wanted me there. I was a number. People there gossiped and randomly told others that they would go to hell for their worldly acts like having a Little Mermaid watch. I went to the Community church's youth group, Sunday school, and Sunday service with my parents. Here I saw the exact same things: gossip, leagalism, condemnation, and cliques. The gossip forced my pregnant friend to leave. I was a geeky homeschooler/freshman with braces; the youth group didn't care that I existed. Again I was a number. I began to doubt it all. People who believed the prosperity gospel freaked out over their finances. People who obnoxiously prayed in the name of Jesus that God would take the "rebellious spirit of the devil" out of a cheeky kid couldn't seem to get it together enough to make their marriages last. Those that believed in miracles never asked for them without screaming their prayers as if God couldn't hear. I found myself very confused, cynical, and doubting God. I mistrusted Christians - especially traveling pastors who claimed the fire of God but didn't stick around long enough to let us see it in their lives. I'd glare them down when they offered to pray for me to be "Slain in the Spirit," a thing with I had never done and in my state of distance from God had no intention of doing. I didn't believe any of it anymore.

However, in order to keep up my perfect, innocent homeschooler image of flawless Christianity, I had applied and been accepted on a second mission trip. God let me know He was still real, and really interested in me a few weeks before I left and I began taking my questions to Him. On that trip I saw people healed. One boy was completely paralyzed on his left side. All his limbs were undersized and had barely a scrap of muscle on them, while his other side - still small - looked and functioned normally. Another group prayed for him but I saw the effects, he walked. The boy went home and got his mother and a lot of people prayed to give their lives to Jesus and filled out the little cards we gave them so that someone from a local church could follow-up with them. There was also a blind woman who received sight and a sick man was healed.

It's all very confusing. Since then my parents stated taking us to a more middle kinda church, Immanuel Fellowship, which believes that God works miraculously but doesn't obsess over signs and then they moved on while I have decided to stay here where I'm finally much more than a number. I have prayed for healing and both seen and not seen it. I've seen prayers I've prayed for my friends' hearts answered with more power than I had dared hope. A couple of people are almost completely different than they were five years ago when I and a few others really focused in prayer for them. Yet there are others who's lives and attitudes have only dramatically worsened as I've prayed. I've seen God use me in friends' lives and I've seen everything fall apart no matter how hard I try and how hard I pray. Seems like it's been a lot of the latter these last few years. I find myself discouraged and wondering what it is I'm looking for in all of this.

Dan talked about the Fruits of the Spirit, love, and how the miraculous gifts are named right along side and at equal standing with things like hospitality. (Gal. 5, 1 Cor. 12-14) After hearing Jesus warn the pharasies over and over that it's a wicked generation that seeks a sign (Matt. 16:4, Luke 11:29), why is it that we so often seek a sign to prove that God's Spirit is moving? Yet Jesus also said, "Truly, truly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do, he will do also; and greater works than these he will do; because I go to the Father." (John 14:12) I've often heard those of the Pentecostal persuasion saying that this means we will see the same miracles of physical healing and provision that Jesus did and even more. While I think that we can't just demand whatever, whenever and expect God to bend the entire universe just to give us our fancy of the moment. I do think that Jesus meant this words as much as He meant anything else He said to us. However, I think we've taken a very narrow view of it. Jesus didn't just perform miracles of physical healing. He loved sinners. He patiently discipled twelve young and largely uneducated men. He got up early to pray every day. He forgave sins. He forgave and loved the mob that crucified Him.

So, what is the point? Why does God sent His Spirit? Like Dan pointed out, the emphasis in the New Testiment seems to be on transformation rather than miraculous signs. The same seems to be true of the passages about the Holy Spirit. I may be wrong, but it seems like God is not as interested in sending His Spirit through signs as He is in sending Him through the miracle of transformation. I think we don't always see a transformed heart as a miracle. It's not very loud or flashy, and in most people it happens so slowly that it only visible in retrospect. Maybe it's just me, but that's always seemed more desperate and hopeless than the physical, obvious stuff.

I think that we seek the signs and wonders because they are easier. (Not that there's anything wrong with them in and of themselves.) They are easier because they're loud, we don't really have to be in tune to and listening to God to see what He's doing when He works through the overtly miraculous. It's a quick change and doesn't require the patience of the slow, frustrating transformations that the heart makes. When abused it's a quick way to win yourself a name in God's Kingdom and it's a cheap way to trick yourself into feeling close to God in the absence of a real relationship. Tongues can be faked and 1 Corinthians 13 says that they will pass away. Love however cannot be faked very long but it's permanent. Yet true love requires a deep change of heart and at times incredible sacrifice. It can be pretty painful and unglorious.

Not that it's an easy answer, but I was impressed buy a comment left on Isaac's blog by a man who calls himself "The Big Dog." He said, "I would posit that there might be a third explanation: [in answer to Isaac's two options for why we don't see the Spirit moving] What if God is still sending His Spirit, but He's sending Him (It?) in ways and places that we're not expecting or looking for, so consequently we assume He's not there. We miss what would be obvious if we were looking for it. The religious establishment of the day completely missed the import of Jesus' arrival and ministry because He didn't come in a way and in the time they were looking for. I think God and the Spirit are always at work, always on the move, always up to something - and I often miss most of it because I'm running on default systems and autopilot."

We make God small in our minds by our attempts to draw lines around Him and find the formula that makes it easy. It's so hard to accept that He is, as C. S. Lewis says in the Chronicles of Narnia, wild and untameable by us. We can't just trust that He does what feels best to us but what is best, even when it hurts terribly and doesn't make any sense. But how do you trust someone too big and wonderful to be nicely predictable? How do you walk beside Someone who is both the Lion and the Lamb? Who is capable of making Himself known both through the parting of the sea and a still, small voice? Someone who spoke the stars into existence and also lay helpless as a baby in the arms of a teenage girl? How do you begin to understand someone like that?

glenwood

I just got back from spending Thanksgiving in Glenwood with my extended family. It’s become a tradition the last six years. No one I know lives there, we all just go and stay in a hotel and eat Chinese. My aunt pays for my family.

I only stayed two nights this year. Everyone was there. I even got to see my Uncle John, some cute little cousins I don’t see often, and (**drum roll**) my sister Jacque! I got to pick her up from the airport and have lunch with her on the way.

While we were there our Uncle John (who really likes to spend money on his nieces and nephews) took the four oldest grandchildren to Aspen to shop. Jacque needs a formal dress for the graduations in January and August. We went to Gap first and he bought us all a few things.

Then we went to Christine Doir for the dress. A woman with a beautiful but implacable European accent greeted us at door. She showed us a few dresses; all of them too low cut or otherwise mature for my little sister. Then she took us out side to show us a dress in the window. It was way better, wine colored and quite elegant, imho.

The woman took us back inside and started showing us a dress magazine. She said that she was willing to take the dress down from the window, but only if Jacque really wanted it. “…because,” she said, “it is a princess dress, it costs $4,200.”

At this attempt to discourage my (**coughwealthycough**) uncle offended him. He brashly stated that he was paying for the dress and he would buy anything Jacque wanted. (Right here I must pause and explain that our family hasn’t always had enough money to buy food.) At Uncle John’s words my very snow-white sister paled. I hadn’t thought it was possible but it was clear she wanted nothing to do with a $4,200 “princess dress.”

After that store we looked through about a dozen others and found a whole lot or really expensive nothing. My Uncle got very frustrated, but the rest of us had fun.

For Thanksgiving dinner we went out to eat and had salmon. : 9

biology paper finished

I just emailed the biology paper that I've been working on for a month to my teacher. Our group of five picked me to do the job of cut/pasting five individual papers into one. I took the job without a fuss as penance for being the one to come up with our topic which everyone struggled with. :p

Even though it was a difficult subject, I'm still glad we did it. I learned a lot about cutting DNA into pieces, reading what it says, mapping what genes go where, and cloning. Very interesting. Also very useful; now I can splice some DNA in my college's lab and make myself a totally unique new pet.

foot washing

Tonight Marie led our housechurch in talking about servanthood; a thing we could all use some work at. ;) Among other passages we talked about, we went through John 13:3-16. This is were Jesus takes a towel and washes the disciples' feet.

Marie asked how this could apply to us. Someone said this means being as willing to deal with the gross parts of people's character as we are the beautiful parts. Part of obeying this is loving through the hard times and being willing to help people as they grow and not getting bent out of shape over the dark parts of the journey.

Afterwards we had a silent time of prayer. Suddenly Marie pulled out a bowl of water and a towel. She washed the feet of everyone in the room and prayed over all of us. It was a very touching moment, especially since I live with her and I've been a little obnoxious lately.

Arg, I don't know what to do with myself. It was a bit hard listening to everyone talk Saturday. I feel like I've been quite obnoxious the last couple of weeks. Every other time I talk I end up saying something a little mean without thinking. I'm not sure why.....

ski pass

I got my ski pass from work today!!! I’ve lived in Colorado since I was ten years old and never once downhill skied or been snowboarding. Yes, I’ve lived here, in the middle of all these ski resorts for almost twelve years and never gone. My family never had the money. (**small tear) But now I’m getting one through work and I’m gonna do both! I’m very excited.

flat tire

So after last night's loveliness my two-wheel-drive car was stuck in the driveway. I got a ride to work, when I got off at 13:00 I dug it out.....only to discover a completely flat tire. Eric, a neighbor of Bobby and Brianna, chaged it for me and I took the car to the tire place right there in Frisco. I needed some winter tires anyway, no big deal.

The problem was that somehow me and all four of the other people working on this group paper for biology class thought that the paper was due at 16:00 today. And I had agreed to be responsible for making our five seperate sections into one paper! Sure I was about to let all these people down by ruining everything I called Jenn after leaving the tire place. Half in panic with my cell battery warning me it was about to die I asked her to give me a ride to Silverthorne, the next town so I could try to get the paper finished. She came right away but by the time I got homw it was already after 15:00!

I hadn't eaten lunch and I still had to find a ride to class in Dillon. (For those who don't know the area there are three small towns all within 10 minutes of eachother, so we all act like they're just suberbs of eachother.) Desperate, I called the teacher to beg for mercy and guess what he said? He said that the paper isn't due till next Tuesday! My head is saved.

blizzard

Today I got out of work early because of a blizzard. About 14:00 and I couldn't see from my office window to the other side of our small parking lot. All the rest of our patients canceled and the roads closed. So I'm staying at Bobby and Brianna's house. They're like my older brother and sister in every way except blood and they let me stay with them on those random ocaisons where my car breaks down, it snows, or whatever comes up. My heros!

The snow's slowed down now, but the roads are still closed and my tires are bald anyway so I'm staying the night. It's soooo beautiful outside; I feel bad for people who never get to see this. It's just like a perfect little Christmas card. The snow is piled in lovely drifts and unblemished by any footprints. A little snow still falls thickening the already heavy blanket covering everything. It's sparkeling under the streetlights the way only snow can. Bobby's out plowing and Brianna, Malachi, and I are all stuck in the house. I love being stuck inside in the winter, it's so cozy and peaceful. Just like a perfect little dream.

discipline & training

During our housechurch we talked about God’s training and discipline. How sometimes it’s quite hard and unpleasant. Now this usually doesn’t fail to be a hot topic. The discussion was pretty lively with only four of us. :p

Sometimes I don’t know where I am. I’ve been going through a pretty hard times for a couple years. (And being only 21 it’s easy to worry that the other 60 are all gonna be like this.) Sometimes I get a bit freaked out wondering if this is an attack of Satan or if I’ve done something wrong and brought it upon myself or what. Most of the stuff that’s happened hasn’t been my fault but I know I haven’t handled it well throughout.

Our talk was encouraging. God does use all things for good. The direction from which a trial comes does not impede God’s ability to use it to shape my character. He is the one doing the training not me. I tend to worry that I’m not weathering this desert time very well. It’s a well-founded fear, cause I’m not handling things like the super-saint I wish I was, not even close. That doesn’t mean that God’s just going to let me go. He has no intention of doing so - not even when I believe that He’s about to let me drop. Walking in a desert it’s easy for me to get discouraged over this truth and find it too hard, even painful, to believe. Hey, it’s hard to look up from the ground with all that sand blowing in my eyes.

google game

Today I was looking for something to cheer me up because his codeine stuff is making me very tired and moody. I was reading Gordon’s blog and found an amusing little google game to play with myself. What you do is you type your name in the search bar followed by the word “needs” and see what comes up. It worked and made me happier.

• Jennifer needs a cold shower.
• Jennifer needs to do five things.
• Jennifer needs diva publicity.
• Jennifer needs to keep on improving.
• Jennifer needs exceptional help.
• Jennifer needs space.
• Jennifer needs the earth energy in her life.
• Jennifer needs to be charged for her crime.
• Jennifer needs time to heal.
• Jennifer needs to check her palm pilot.

codeine is my friend

I've had a toothache since Tuesday. It wasn't too bad then, I just focused on my biology paper and kept going. (Am I brilliant or what?) By Friday it was bad enough that I was practically living on advil and still hurting. I discovered that though you cannot take four advil all at once, you can take two tylinol and two advil all at the same time. (Why I do not know, but for awhile it kinda worked.) Saturday I was over playing games at a friend's house on that lovely, snowy morning and was forced to leave rather suddenly. By the time I got to my house it was awful. I arrived to find we were out of one of my painkillers. (*panic*) So Sharon went shopping while I lay on the couch in AGONY attempting to watch a movie. Upon her return more medicine really didn't help a whole lot - except to make watching the movie much easier. :s Finally I called my retired dentist friend, Bill and he told me what it probably was and to ask for some penicillin. I called a dentist, they gave me an appointment but no help till Monday. Then I called my boss and told her my tale of woe. She wrote me up a prescription for penicillin and for codeine, a wonderfully strong painkiller. I'm not supposed to drive and am very drowsy but now I can't even feel the pain unless I stop and think about it......or chew. So I'm happy about all except that tomorrow I will be paying lots of money to the dentist that left me hanging for the weekend as I do not have insurance.

biology paper

Yikes, since the retreat I've been majorly busy writing a paper for Biology class. I'm working on a group paper with four other people. One of them asked me to come up with a topic. So over a month ago I sugested the Human Genome Project then thinking I had a pretty good idea of the difficulty of this topic I volenteered to take the hardest part: how they actually did it. Little did I know. Well every night this week (becase of course I procrastinated till the due date we set for our first draft was nearly uppon me) I've been beating my brain against a wall trying to understand how they actually sequenced the human genome. Most of the stuff I found on the web was either for people who just want a little info on it or for geniouses who were probably involved in working on it. Neither were really very helpful. Finally I found something and wrote it. But my brain is very tired now, good night.

fall retreat

This retreat was really good, but quite different. As usual it started with a pang of lonlieness for me the first night. I always miss the people who've moved away. It was totally weird not having Isaac there, he's always one of the first there and in the middle of everything helping set up. I miss Carlos, David, and all the Lius. Mostly I miss my family who used to be part of the church a few years ago. I always feel a little displaced with out my sisters being around.

It was really different talking about the Moravians the whole time. At first I wondered if it was going to be effective. However, I think it turned out really good. A lot of people seemed to be touched and challenged by the story. Overall, I'd say this was the most sober retreat I've been to. Not in a bad way. I think it was because people were really thinking and being challenged, especially by the Moravian's level of passion for Jesus and the way they heald each other accountable.

Mohamad came and lots of people reached out to him, I think he had a good time. He signed up to go to France. Interesting..... he told Jeri that his purpose in coming was to evangelize us. He also told her that though he doesn't believe that Jesus is God's Son he feels very close to God when we are worshiping. He's never been in any Christian gathering other than the Thursday night housechurch.

I took Isaac's wonderful dog, Jobi, for a long run/walk/run we had fun exploring the ranch. It was such a beautiful time of day. I lost track of time till I noticed the sun getting lower. The woods were so beautiful with the setting sunrays streaming through the branches. God spoke to me a lot on the run through His beauty. He put such care into painting the woods like that. Sometimes it's easy for me to forget that He loves me and it's not just because He feels obligated (who could obligate God?) He also likes me for who I am, for who He made me to be. I don't know how, but running just has this way of clearing my head and helping me see stuff like that. However I ran waaay too long; we were out two hours and most of it was running and now I'm pretty sore. ; )

first shot

Today is a milestone in my life. I gave my first shot today! I gave it to my supervisor. It was waaay easier than I thought it would be.

I'm also excited because Immanuel's fall retreat starts later today. It's such a good time for comunity and hearing from God. I've had a rather hard couple of weeks for some odd reason. I'm really looking forward to stoping everything to be with God and the church.

first picture post

my very short hair

Here's the picture of my hair. I've been meaning to learn how put pictures on my blog for awhile and not really gotten around to it. Wow, that's short. It's making me more careful to dress girly. :p

hair cut

A few months ago I donated ten inches of hair to locks of love. I only had about two and a half inches left. I really like it so I’ve kept it that short. Well, yesterday I went to get my hair cut again before the wedding and what do I find? Mandie, the person who’s been cutting my hair quit. So the owner did it. She wasn’t very nice (no wonder Mandie quit) and on top of it she cut my hair way too short. It only comes halfway down my forehead! Ugh, it looks too boyish. Actually this is even shorter than I like it on boys. Grrrrr.....

marshal's wedding

Marshal, a friend of mine, got married today. It was a cute little outdoor wedding at the Breakenridge pavilion. There was snow on the ground but it was relatively warm for this time of year. However, I was kicking myself all night for not bringing a jacket.

(Matrix: there is no cold.)

I don’t really know the bride but they both looked sooo happy and cute together. I was impressed with how kind their families were to the bride and groom and to each other. It was really sweet.

soundboard mishaps

This week was my first time setting up the entire soundsystem for our Sunday Celebration. I was the only person at set up who knew how to do any of it. I've been in training for about a month. Naturally I wasn't exactly feeling qualified for the position of "expert" last night as we set it up. :S

I had to call Josiah, the real expert who is gone, and ask him how to set up the stage and the soundboard. Funny, he's taught me how, but the longer I stood there looking at it, the less confidence I had that I could actually set the whole thing up by myself.

Well this morning at practice it mostly worked. I had done something right. However, during worship I couldn't get Becka's bass turned down enough to keep it from being slightly overwhelming. I also couldn't hardly seem to get the reverb low enough to make it sound normal. Then during the (very) short break before the teaching I couldn't get the translation up and running. That one everyone noticed and of course curiously turned back to see what the problem was. We ended up just sitting someone beside those who needed translation and doing it that way.

Tell me again, why did I volunteer for this....

test score

I got the results back on my biology test today. The class average was over 90%. Yipee! We all did great. I got 105%! Double horray. :D :D

Also, it started snowing during class today! It started snowing hard. Then the power went out and this lady came and told us all to leave the college. It's still snowing and the ground is covered. Winter is coming to Summit. Triple horray. :D :D :D

training

Today I started training to be a nurse's assistant. Upon hiring me the children's clinic did promise me they would train me as an NA. They taught me to take all the measurements like height, weight, and head circumference. They also taught me to take a pulseox. That's a little thing that you wrap around a baby's toe, it shines a light through and reads both the pulse and the oxygen.

The baby I did the pulseox on was quite happy to be in the doctor's office and wasn't bothered by the fact that I had to do it over and over to get it right. That was nice. Working at the front desk with a near continual background noise of screaming I am quite aware that most of the time being a nurse's assistant will not be quite so pleasant.

The best thing by far though was learning to time the respirations and heartbeats. This is done by listening to a child's chest with a stethoscope and counting the heartbeats or breaths for fifteen seconds. The great part is that I got to do it on a two-month-old. He was born after I started working at this clinic. I've never listened to a tiny baby's chest before. His heart beat so fast! I counted forty beats in fifteen seconds. Listening to that teeny little chest I felt some of the same awe for God that I feel when I look at the stars.

christian success

Today after sneaking away from one of the tree people during an otherwise nice run (he was also trying to hide from me, scary) I went to Brianna's house for lunch. We had an interesting talk about......for lack of a better description, Christian success.

I, like most other people, think of success as really doing something notable with your life. It's making your name worth being remembered, right? Right. However, not if you're a Christian. Then, if you're a Christian success is furthering God's kingdom and making His name known. That's the way I tend to see it anyway.

Brianna and I talked about people who really love Jesus but are held back by something in their lives that is not their fault. Their spouse, parents, children, health, or a financial burden they somehow obtained without creating it themselves. However you fill in that blank it seems tragic. All their dreams drowned by this one thing. I find myself saying, "If only this or that were different that person would really be able to do something great for God." I think it a lot actually.

She challenged me today. "How will that mould their character?" Brianna asked if maybe God is more concerned about purifying His bride than He is about everything else. He's big enough to do whatever it is He needs done with or without ideal circumstances in our lives. Could it be He allows those things to happen because His idea of Christian success is completely different from ours? Because He knows He can hold us through rough times and use the impossibly bad to do something impossibly good? Could that do more for His name than any amount of striving in our own strength ever would? Is the shaping of my character more important than all I could do on my own as I am now? Is it possible for God to both work in me and through me at the same time even if I don't feel like I'm useful and can't see it? Maybe I've made the mistake of grossly underestimating the Creator of the universe......

soy una mexicana

Tonight I got together with a few friends for dinner. It was an interesting night; usually I don't hang out with these people outside of events like work. There were five of us around the counter top in Elena's apartment. Elena is Spanish, Omar's Mexican, Feliz is Turkish, Bret's American, and I am American. All of us having traveled some we of course ended up talking about traveling and the differences in cultures and governments.

We're also all bilingual, or in my case semi-bilingual, and mostly between Spanish and English. It was interesting listening to Spanish Maria and Mexican Omar talk about their language. We ended up with a friendly little dispute over pronunciation. Bret and I only added to this as he learned his Spanish in Spain and I leaned mine from people who lived in Mexico City not too far from Omar's home. He said he could tell I'd gotten my accent from "La Ciudad" which is a huge complement. It means that I speak well enough to have an accent other than gringo. :D :D :D

He may have just been flattering me, but I have reason to hope he wasn't since he corrected my Spanish every other sentence when we changed languages after Feliz left. I still have a long way to go. :S

biology test

I took my first biology test today. Arg. I hate studying for tests, especially the first test. I never know how to study, what the teachers style, or what kind of questions the teacher will ask. I always feel like I actually have to study the night before; this time I did. :s

Not that I'm incredibly smart and don't need to study, it's just that at about $1,000 a semester CMC isn't exactly Harvard and well... you get the picture. Anyway, I think I did alright on most of it. I'll find out in a week. If I could change anything about myself today I would have a photographic memory so then I would never have to study. ; )

He leads me

Last Saturday we spent most of the night praying for each other. I seem to be at one of those points where I know where I want to be: much closer to God. I'm seeing my desperate need for Jesus. I feel like I know where I'm going, however totally lost on how to get there. It's so frustrating to feel like you're desperate to move forward but helpless and lost as far as actually making progress in concerned. Also feeling weak and worried and susceptible to falling. Well everyone was praying for me and encouraging me by reminding me that God's in control. Even if I'm not sure how to get where I want to be He is leading. I don't remember exactly what they said but it gave me this picture of being led through the dense jungle by Jesus. Like He's breaking the trail with one arm and with the other is holding my hand. The only thorns come my way are those He's allowed. As long as I hold His hand I don't need to see where I'm going or be able to find my way out.

It was a beautiful picture.......which I promptly forgot as soon as this week hit me. Still feeling no forward motion in my walk with God. In addition I am actually, literally penniless. I get paid on Wednesday so normally this wouldn't be too big of a problem. However, my checking account was over-drawn by two dollars and some odd cents. I've got one of those accounts where the bank charges me every day till I pay up. By Wednesday that would've been my entire paycheck. So I was stressing out and very nearly crying over my sad state (two dollars has never felt so impossibly huge) when Erick came to the bank to see Hannah. We both sat at her customer service desk while she finished up the day's business on the phone. He didn't know what was wrong but tried to cheer me up till I worked up the courage to ask him for the huge sum that I owed the bank. Of course he gladly gave it. Everything's alright and just like that I'm saved for the rest of the week. Sad how two dollars made me forget so quickly such a beautiful picture of Jesus leading me. I think I must really be an adult now. :S

Well today after going for a run (there's snow on the peaks above the tree line!) I sat and read my Bible and God showed me this:

"I will lead the blind by a they do not
know,
In paths they do not know I will guide
them.
I will make darkness into light before them
And rugged places into plains.
These things I will do,
And I will not leave them undone."
~ Isaiah 42:16

God help me learn to trust You to do this for me......

from silken self

From prayer that asks that I may be
Sheltered from the winds that beat on Thee,
From fearing when I should aspire,
From faltering when I should climb higher,
From silken self, O Captain free
Thy soldier who would follow Thee.

From subtle love of softening things,
From easy choices, weakenings,
Not thus are our spirits fortified,
Not this way went the Crucified,
From all that dims Thy Calvary,
O Lamb of God deliver me.

Give me the love that leads the way,
The faith that nothing can dismay,
The hope no disappointments tire,
The passion that will burn like fire,
Let me not sink to be a clod,
Make me Thy fuel, Flame of God.

~ Amy Carmichael

God, give me the courage to really pray that.

encouragement

I think I learned something at housechurch tonight. I got the answer to a question that's been nagging me for a long time.

I used to think that if a bunch of people were excited and sharing what God's doing in their lives and I was the only one who's down I should just keep my mouth shut and not ruin a good thing. Or the opposite, that if I was trying to encourage someone who's down I shouldn't tell them what's exciting me. That fell apart last night in housechurch.

I had the prayer shift right before the gathering and Emily came in and talked with me for a couple of hours. She could tell I'd been kinda discouraged and listened to me talk about what's been going on. Then she told me, bubbling over with excitement, about how much God has been working in her life. It really encouraged me. I don't think my downess stole from her excitement at all. So I think all those ideas I used to have were wrong.

Then everyone else arrived and we had such a good time praying for each other. Some were super excited about what God's doing in them. Others were feeling more discouraged about the challenges they're facing. It was so cool and encouraging. We're really getting close as a group and it's exciting. God, please keep working in us. Please don't let this be just the passing hype of the moment. Keep working and do something deep and permanent in us.....

wipe away

Yesterday I hiked up the side of Mt. Royal to sat on a rock and read my Bible. I found something I've never seen before.

"The LORD of hosts will prepare a lavish
banquet of all the peoples on this mountain;
A banquet of aged wine, choice pieces with
marrow,
And refined, aged wine.
And on this mountain He will swallow up
the covering which is over all people,
Even the veil which is stretched over all
nations.
He will swallow up death for all time,
And the lord GOD will wipe tears away
from all faces,
And He will remove the reproach of His
people from all the earth;
For the LORD has spoken.
And it will be said on that day,
"Behold, this is our God for whom we have
waited that He might save us.
This is the LORD for whom we have waited;
Let us rejoice and be glad in His salvation."

- Isaiah 25:6-9

It's cool the picture of God's love I got while I read this. I'm the oldest in my family and when one of my younger sisters (or even younger girl friends sometimes) is hurting I just would do anything if I could move the entire universe and make it stop. I wish so badly that I could be the hero of the moment and take away whatever the cause of these tears are. (I've gotten myself in trouble more than a few times trying.) Today watching the sun begin to set God showed me He is the same way. He does love me so intensely that He wants to move the entire universe just to wipe my tears away. Except He's God and He has the power to change any situation in my life or my heart if I'm willing to wait on Him. (Waiting's important, 'cause it's tricky to move the universe without crushing someone else in the process. :p) Ironically the thought of such a big someone as God wanting to be close enough to wipe my tears away made me cry, then laugh, then cry, then laugh-cry. Ah, the beauty of being a girl. :p

my darts

My little sister Joanie sent me this e-mail reecently.

"A young lady named Sally, relates an experience she had in a seminary class, given by her teacher, Dr. Smith. She says that Dr. Smithwas known for his elaborate object lessons.

One particular day, Sally walked into the seminary and knew they were in for a fun day.

On the wall was a big target and on a nearby table were many darts. Dr. Smithtold the students to draw a picture of someone that they disliked or someone who had made them angry, and he would allow them to throw darts at the person's picture.

Sally's friend drew a picture of who had stolen her boyfriend. Another friend drew a picture of his little
brother. Sally drew a picture of a former friend, putting a great deal of detail into her drawing, even drawing pimples on the face. Sally was pleased with the overall effect she had achieved.

The class lined up and began throwing darts. Some of the students threw their darts with such force that their targets were ripping apart. Sally looked forward to her turn, and was filled with disappointment when Dr. Smith, because of time limits, asked the students to return to their seats. As Sally sat thinking about how angry she was because she
didn't have a chance to throw any darts at her target. Dr. Smithbegan removing the target from the wall.

Underneath the target was a picture of Jesus. A hush fell over the room as each student viewed the mangled picture of Jesus; holes and jagged marks covered His face and His eyes were pierced.

Dr. Smithsaid only these words... 'In as much as ye have done it unto the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto Me.' Matthew 25:40.

No other words were necessary; the tears filled eyes of the students focused only on the picture of Christ."

Who have I thrown darts at deluding myself that I'm right, that I have not hurt anyone who didn't have it coming? Where have my thoughts and attitudes been?

soundboard

Well today was my first day really running the soundboard at church during worship. It was so cool. Nothing majorly bad happened. The system started to feed back at one point but I caught it so quickly that I'm able to tell myself nobody noticed. (Hopefully.) If something had gone wrong Josiah (my teacher) was standing right there to help me if I needed it. It was great to be at the back turning the knobs and making everything run smoothly enough that everyone can focus on God and worship.

last night for awhile.....

Tonight and last night we've all hung out with Isaac. Last night we went tromping out in to woods to see the Tree People. Isaac ended up losing his shoes and we searched in vain for them for like half and hour in the dark with flashlights. Today he went back out an found them. We went and watched him play soccer tonight. Then we all ate Thai food together in Breck. We followed him over to Bill and Jerie's house where he said goodbye to the housechurch that was just ending. We played the craziest game of pingpong ever with fifteen people running around the table screaming and hitting the ball once before handing off the paddle to the next in line. Then we took this insane group picture in the dark with all of us piled on top of Emily's car.

After all this awesome craziness Isaac had to go home and pack. It was sad, he gave everyone a hug and said a short goodbye for each. Then he slowly walked towards his car. We couldn't take it and all chased him down and tackled him for a giant group hug. Oh then we watched him drive off telling us he loves us and to keep following Jesus. After he was gone we all took some time to pray for him and his trip and the friends he'll meet there. After we were done praying for him we quietly walked to our cars in the dark.

Wow, we're all going to miss him so much. He's a pillar of strength for a lot of people in the housechurch. The reality of Isaac leaving hasn't quite hit yet. I'm kinda excited though, no really excited. He's going to grow so much in Paris! At the same time we will all be growing here; his absence is going to leave a big hole that the rest of us will somehow have to learn to fill while he's gone. It won't be the same with Isaac in Paris and most of the rest of us here but I'm sure everyone in our housechurch is going to learn a lot in these next nine months.

retreat

This weekend was the housechurch leaders' retreat. I've been looking forward to this since last year. We had a great time talking about prayer, discipleship, discouragement, and we ate together and hiked and sang. We talked about loving people without being afraid that they will leave the church. (Which can really feel like a rejection of you and really hurt and make you question yourself.) We talked about loving and being a blessing to people knowing that in our transient society people we pour our hearts into will sometimes move away or get angry and leave. Ouch that's discouraging, I tend to feel like a complete failure at those times. Later we spent some time talking about discouragement.

We also prayed for each other. It's cool how encouraging it can be to pray for other people. I didn't ask for prayer (not that I don't need it, I just didn't know what to ask for) and it was really good to pray for everyone. This group has gotten a lot closer in the last year; we've prayed for each other a lot through our hard times.

On the hike I ended up walking with Bill and we had a lovely talk about nursing, dentistry, and how he became a Christian. (Yes, the three do go together.) We also talked about the biographies of missionaries that had shaped our lives, thoughts, and goals. Interesting, they were both books we had read shortly after deciding to follow Jesus and they were both people who displayed a passion for Jesus that would not shrink from giving Him any sacrifice He asked, even death.

Well, that was the retreat. It was really better than what I just wrote, God spoke to me powerfully about something big I've been struggling with but it would be too hard to explain here. It's just one of those really good times with friends that has a purpose..... I'm excited to see what God does over this next year.