passover

Everyone in Immanuel Fellowship has been encouraged to ask God for two or three friends who are not Christians to be praying for. Of course we are hopefully praying for others around us as well, but these are some people you feel like God would have you be especially focused on in prayer and in looking for opportunities to share Jesus.

Tonight I took a Jewish friend of mine, Luna, to a sader dinner held in an A&W restaurant by some Messianic Jews who work with Menorah. It was well done as always. Very traditional Passover meal except the fact that Ruben, who was leading the dinner, spoke of Jesus’ work on the cross to free us from our sins every chance he got. The Passover dinner provides a surprising amount of non-tacky ways to share Jesus. It’s perfect actually. He compared Jesus to the Passover lamb and talked about how He frees us from the slavery of sin just as God freed the Hebrews from Egypt. I was praying during the whole meal that Luna would be able to hear God speaking to her in all that Ruben said.

We ended up staying over an hour after the dinner was over just talking to Ruben and his wife. He was able to share Jesus with her in a way I never could have, explaining how He is God’s answer to our sin, for both Jews and Gentiles. He told her of how God was able to show His love for Ruben and draw him into a friendship. Ruben asked her if she wanted to pray and giver her life to Jesus and start a friendship with God. She said that was what she’d been wanting. The three of us prayed together. They exchanged phone numbers so they could keep in touch and she could come to him and his wife with her questions about being a Christian.

God this is so awesome! Help me support Luna as she’s learning how to walk in this new life she’s asked You for. Draw her close to You; help her not to be passive about this but run after You. God keep her in You.

identity

Where do I get my identity? Is it from my parents? How I look like or act? Leading a housechurch? Hopefully not either of my jobs. ;)

Good questions, it'd be nice if I could find some answers. Among other things God's been challenging me in this area the last few weeks. Especially in regards to finding it in either my parents or in being a housechurch leader.

God help me find my identity only in You. You made me, You bought me, You know me better than I do. Help me see Your view of me...

links

I added some links to the side of my blog. It looks kinda....not the way I wanted it to look. Hmmm...

all i can do

shattered
it's shattered
and scattered on the ground

helpless
i'm helpless
and i am lying down

hands
these hands
i know You hold me
can't escape this love

weak
so weak and afriad
help me believe You save
keep me looking into Your eyes
it's all i can do

the saga of the subaru

Yes, I know I've posted about my car a lot lately, but this is a big deal as I do not have the money for another car. My dad came and looked at my car again. We bought a new starter so now it's working again. He checked the oil and anti-freeze and found that they are leaking and so it's a simple problem and my car will be lasting a lot longer. Thanks God!

car lives...and dies again

So last night when my family was over here for Joanie's birthday my dad looked at my car and found that it is not dead. (Horray!) The problem is a simple case of the starter not automatically shutting itself of when I start the car. I drove it last night and it was fine. Now I just know that I have to shut it off manually. My car lives.

Well this morning I drove to the prayer room for the 4-5 shift. When I was done my car wouldn't start; the engine wouldn't even turn over. So I slept in the prayer room again. In the morning it still wouldn't start so I caught a ride home. So it's still not working, what a crazy week!

pete greg

Pete Greg, who kinda accidentally started 24/7 prayer, came to our housechurch leaders' meeting today. It was...fun. Well, maybe that's not quite the right word, um let me try that again. We started the night eating dinner and hanging out. Then we worshipped. After that Pete shared with the group and we all ended up talking about reaching out to people, discipling, failure, eating what's set before you, and of course Easter Saturday. In the process we ended up laughing a lot. So it was serious and fun.

joanie

Today is Joanie's birthday!!!

My little sister is turning seventeen today. She's quite excited. Joanie's one of those people who will still be making everyone in church sing the birthday song to her when she turns eighty-four. That's the way to do it!

I remember when she was born, I got to hold her in the hospital. Jacque's beat me to writing about her on her birthday. Yea, when I was like seven I thought that they had a secret society witch included mind-control over our parents. I had quit believing it by the time that red one incident happened, but my little sisters always had a sort of almost telepathic was of communicating with each other.

Joanie is one of the funniest people on the planet. She can easily bring me to helpless laughter without even touching me. I can also bring her to helpless laughter but am obligated to get my results through tickling. ;) I think she's also one of the most ticklish people I know. Ahh, the good memories.

Anyway, I went swimming with all my little sisters today. It was quite fun. We all went down the water slide some and unsuccessfully tried to splash over the edge. Except Jacque, she's still got arm issues. Then we went out to eat at La Perla, a very authentic Mexican resturant. Joanie and I both had beef tongue tacos. Very good.

poor dead car

My car died last night. I had the 2 a.m. shift in the prayer room. The engine sounded bad on the drive there, really high-pitch and strained, and the car was super sluggish. After my shift was over the car wouldn't start. So I slept in the prayer room and in the morning it was fine. I drove home to get breakfast and when I tried to go to work I couldn't even get the engine to turn over. I think the end is here. My dad told me awhile ago that one day soon it would randomly quit on me. I was hoping it would wait awhile longer.

raise?

Well my dad believes that my car has a cracked head. I have to refill the oil and the anti-freeze every week. Hence my little car will not be lasting me too much longer. Very sad. In need of a new car I've been looking for a new job that would pay more than $9 an hour (which isn't very much in this area).

Last week I told my boss at Bristlecone that I needed a raise or I would have to look for another job. She told me that unfortunately she could not give me a raise because all the raises in the company are frozen. If she gave me a raise she would have to give the other deserving people a raise and the company can't handle it right now. I had known this but I thought I would at least give it a shot.

My boss offered me another option. There is another position (I am currently a Personal Care Provider) opening up in May, it's an Independent Life Skills Trainer and it pays $15 dollars an hour and only requires a little more training than I already have. Well, today I went for an interview with my prospective patient and her husband and I got the job!

Jamie

Wednesday I found out that Jamie, a friend of mine, died in a car accident. I feel numb, she was only a few months older than me. She was kinda a member of my family, we shared my grandparents. Well...My sister Jacque gives a better description of her here.

Jamie was definitely one of my best friends in Sidney Nebraska, where she lived. Whenever I was in Sidney she would get together and do stuff with my younger sisters and I. She also would invite me along to do stuff with her and her friends. She even let me go with her to a sleep-over once. She was very kind, smiled a lot, cool, and quite pretty. She had plenty of friends without me. I was very shy through most of my teen years so it really meant a lot to me that she often went so out of her way to make me feel like a part of whatever group she invited me into.

It almost doesn't seem possible that she's dead so quickly.

three weeks

We are starting another season of 24/7 prayer today. A bunch of us have worked on redecorating it this week. It looks great but my part still isn't quite done. :s I have to draw a globe. It's proven pretty hard so far, even a little frustrating. I'm trying to take something round and draw it on a flat piece of paper. There are a couple of pictures of the prayer room here. Also the hours are looking pretty full already.

joanie's back

Joanie's back from China. My little sister was in Lijiang, in south western China. She got to help teach English classes there. She also got to see Bei jing, Tienamen Square, the Great Wall, the Forbidden City, the Temple of Heaven, and the Summer Palace. I sounds like a really cool trip.

another 40

We finished another fourty days of prayer today. Hopefully this break won't be too long.

I'm really tired and I have writer's block, so this is it for now.

my God with me

I ran across this poem in my journal. I wrote it about a year ago.

Confusion surrounds and fills my head
But God is with me
The thought that scare me remain
But God is with me
My fears and uncertainties larger than I
But God is with me
Will I ever change inside?
God is truly with me
Can anything ever help me?
Yet God is with me
I have failed completely in everything
But now the sense that God is with me
At the end of myself
And God is here at the end with me
I teeter on the edge of falling apart
Somehow still my God is with me
When the land is dark and I am blind
In that deep dark my God is with me
When I can't believe He's there
There remains my God with me

Through all highs and lows and uncertainties. Here is my God, He stays closer than my own heartbeat.

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

jacque II

Today I got to hang out with Jacque and some of her friends and our friends and by the end of the day they were all "our friends," it was great. We had a lot of fun but I'm really pressed for time right now so I won't describe it.

Also, Ben gets back from London today. I baby-sat his house while he and his family were gone. It was fun having a house all to myself, but it was also a little scary at times. One night last week their porch light came on and i was sure I heard robbers walking aboutnd in the house. I almost called a friend at 1:30 a.m. to ask if he could come save me. However I decided that it would be embarassing to call him over noises the furnace was making so I didn't.

jacque

Today is my baby sister's birthday! She's turning eighteen. Now she's old enough to join the army, smoke, see an R movie in the theater, and vote. She'd probably only do the last two, depending on the movie.

Jacque and I go back a long way - we had our first fight before she was even born! I was sitting on my mom's lap having a book read to me and she started kicking me. That was pretty much the story of our childhood. Then we got into out teens and we were fine.

I got to be in a life-group with her when she was 15-16, which was really cool. (For those who don't know, a life group is a group of 2-4 people who hold each other accountable.) I got to watch her grow a lot in that time.

Even though she's my little sister there are a lot of ways I really admire her. One thing is that she's a very steady person, it takes a lot to make her focus waver. Another is her super quiet times. The girl will go in her room and totally lose track of time and be in there with God for hours. And although she has dyslexia she reads about ten chapters of the Bible a day! Needless to say she's still growing a lot in her walk with God.

Anyway happy birthday Jacque!! :D

missed my flight

Last night I dreamed that I missed my flight. I spent the whole night going from plane to plane trying to catch up to my friends who hadden't missed the flight like I had. It always seemed like they were impossibly far ahead of me. I never caught up.

In real life most of my closest friends left for London yeterday.

quite simply amazing

Ok, I must rave about God a little. I was recently alone with Him in the prayer room and He was telling me about Himself. He truly rocks in His ability to bring hope to hopeless times, wholeness to the broken, help to the helpless, and just basically bring something out of nothing.

Right now I'm going through what should over all be the most disillusioning, crippling, hopeless time I've ever faced. Seems like there has been a lot of down time where I'm just so spun around in hurt and confusion that I can't lift my head from disillusionment, hopelessness, and the horrible feeling of being totally crippled inside.

However, my friends have been praying for me through it all (I owe you guys some major prayer time!) and God is teaching me a lot. He's showing me that even though right now I feel like I'm being emptied and I'm so hurt I don't even know who I am anymore, He is showing me that He is still in control. He knows what's going on and is not the least bit confused. (Psalm 139:11,12) He takes debilitating scars and turns them into medals and strength to run. He uses those who've been reduced to nobodies! When I am strong enough to lift my eyes from what's going on and look at Him I see His hand at work already. I can see a little how He's molding my character. I can see Him maturing my faith. He's refining my walk with Him and incredibly deepening my vision. And - possibly best of all - He's giving me this crazy hunger for Him lately. I don't know how to explain it exactly, I feel like a beginner all over again. Like I don't know God at all yet and I've got to go crazy searching Him out in the Bible, in my time with Him, and in prayer for my friends.

It's so amazing how He uses impossible situations. Could it be? A reason to the hard times? At last, the faint whisper of an answer for life's why's? A blessing in disguise that brings us closer to the most amazingly true love ever known? A door to the beautiful?

birthdays

Today is Isaac's 18th birthday. In honor of the occasion we threw him a birthday party and had the best game of freeze ever. Poor Isaac went through three scenes in which he was being beaten with a rolled-up magazine! We also put together a scrapbook of encouraging birthday notes from all his friends and tried to get as many out of town people as possible.

I've known Isaac since just after he turned thirteen. He's grown a lot in five years and taught me much. When I first met him I'd been on three summer mission trips with Teen Mania but my vision would fade between summers. His vision was way more consistent than mine and he was younger. I used to think I had to wait till I grew up before I really had a vision that was steady. He also taught me to go after the vision in prayer for the nations and in knowing what's going on in the world. I've grown a lot in these areas, but I still look up to him in regards to vision. (Literally! :p)

My dog Sarah shares a birthday with Isaac, she is turning five today. (I think I've teased Isaac about this as long as I've known him, will I ever grow up?) She's a very cute brown Labrador. She was also the runt and consequentially is still undersized and looks like a puppy. Sarah still has her puppy fur too so she's very soft.

Anyway, happy birthday to both of you!

womens' retreat

I just got back from Immanuel Fellowship's first ever womens' retreat. It was so much fun. It was clear that the women who planned it put a lot of work and prayer into it.

God spoke to me a lot over the weekend. First about giving myself to Him more completely in a few areas. He showed me an area where I need a deeper trust in Him and be persuing to accept His ideas about who I am. Yes, I know I'm being vague but most of the stuff God spoke to me was really personal. And of course (drum roll please) He spoke to me about modesty! However, since boys read this I don't really want to give the specifics on that either. ; )

Well maybe I will talk about modesty a little. It can be a pretty controversial subject somethimes. Yet if I really love God with everything that would include the way I dress. Generally I think I'm pretty good about modesty, but I should always be open to God challenging me to a higher standard in any area. If I really love Him what less could I do?

no more why

"Do they really matter, all the whys? Could all the answers take away the pain, or all the reasons really dry my eyes, though from Heaven’s court? No, I would weep again. My God, You have saved me from Hell’s black abyss; oh, save me now from the tyranny of bitterness!" ~Anonymous

I’ve asked why so many times in the past, "God why did you allow this?" or "God why did it happen that way?" or "God I know in Your power You could have kept me from pain here, why didn’t You?" I’ve looked so hard for these answers before. I’ve tortured myself asking God over and over. It seems like usually He doesn’t answer. Even when He does He never seems to answer the weightier questions, only the smaller, less painful ones. I’ve seen the truth of this quote a few times when God has answered me; the hurt goes on despite the answer. Most of the time though my whys are left unanswered by God.

I think I’m learning though. In the past I’ve been angry at God for not answering me. As if He owed me answers; as if I had a right to demand them of Him. God is so patient with me. He has shown me that He has something better than answers to tortured questions. He knows no answer is enough. In His wisdom I think He allows us to ask and is silent. He’s waiting for us to be silent and trust Him.

God taught me this through the lesson Oral learned in the book Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis. Oral loses her younger sister. After this she spends her life angrily blaming God and searching for meaning, asking why her younger sister had to be taken from her. The book is written in the first person as Oral’s memoir by the end she’s found the answer. "I ended my first book with the words ‘no answer.’ I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice? Only words, words...."

It sounds funny at first when you read it but it’s so true. Since reading that I’ve been asking God to give me that attitude and teach me to look into His eyes for answers. He’s drawn me close and melted away those horrible, torturing whys in His love. In His wisdom He withholds answers that will not even begin to dim the pain. Instead He patiently waits for us to give in and come to Him so He can take us in His arms, chase away the questions, and heal us in His love.

oops

Sorry about that last wordless post. I was having troubles using blogger. Either that or blogger wasn't working so well. Anyway, I was so sure the post titled "idealism" that actually had words was dumped so I tried again. Funny, I thought it had not worked at all. I guess it did...sorta. But I can't erase the empty post thanks to Ben who put a comment on it. Ben comments when there are no words and is silent when there are. :s

idealism

Being idealistic, at least as I've always understood it, is a somewhat negative quality. Maybe I'm wrong but usually when I hear someone get called idealistic it seems to imply that they are inexperienced with life and unrealistic. In the background is a whisper, "Just wait, time and age will beat some reality into you." Idealism is idealistic because it's young and doesn't know any better.

Maybe it's just me and my view of things, but these implications result in me subtly expecting somewhere in the back of my mind that one day I too will grow up, see the world as it is in it's dirtiness, and let go of my idealism for something a little more realistic.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately; this isn't the way it should be in the Kingdom of God. We're supposed to enter God's Kingdom as children (Matthew 18:3) and are called children of God (John 1:12, Romans 8:16), so wouldn't it follow that if we are children in this Kingdom than shouldn't we have and value youthful qualities such as teachability, humility, trust, faith, unconditional love, and idealism.

Maybe idealism is a quality we should cling to as we get older and something we should ask God to keep fresh in our hearts. Yea, I know everyone grows up. If they're serving God they're going to take a beating along the way, they will get accused of things they never did, they will be hated, and they will see the dirty ugly side of the world. Those serving God will have plenty of opportunity to get the idealism knocked out of them. Last night in Acts class Jerrie said, "When there's opposition you've either made an impact or you're about to."

What are the odds that a person could hold onto idealism under fire? Is it even possible? I have to believe it is. Maybe it's not possible to hold on to it 100% of the time, but maybe like vision it comes back. On this journey with God we'll see a lot of the impossibilities and nastiness of the world, but I think that as we choose to keep following anyway we'll see a lot more of God's power and the beauty He's created. The more we know of God the more idealistic we should get because less and less seems impossible. God keep me idealistic; keep me trusting You.

idealism

vision comes again

People are so weak. This is extra true of me it seems. God gives a vision for our lives and we lose it. Time, age, hurt, cynicism, or apathy erase it. God's given me vision for my life. I think I lost it nearly completely a year ago, somewhere between November and July. I used to think I was some superhero who would save the world one day. Thought I would do great things for God. I was young and idealistic. (Ok, I was younger. Hey, I'm allowed a little drama aren't I?) That all went away. I'm not supergirl. Going through the motions not really believing God will ever use you is, well, yuck. Wandering around in gray semi-aimlessness.

Over the last six months in the prayer room I've found vision returning. That's putting it lightly. I found it flooding my spiritual senses like the welcome relief of sudden rivers flooding a desert. I'd nearly forgotten the taste. It was so good to have it back. Like an old friend who moved away for awhile and then came back. While vision was gone we'd both changed though so things aren't the same. I'm not supergirl anymore and saving the world is not within my reach. However, God has brought vision back bigger, stronger, and more wildly beautiful than I would have thought.

Over the last two months I think I lost it again. I am weak. I haven't been spending as much time with God since the prayer room closed. It reopened today and God has challenged me in having me commit to a few more hours than I would've thought I could handle. Seems like whenever He challenges me like that the time works out and the results of obeying Him are quite lovely. I have this feeling that He's going to be bringing vision back soon. Once again I'll be weaker but the vision will have grown in strength and beauty.

Maybe that's how it works if we allow it. The vision God gives is too heavy; it falls out of our hands. In God's over-the-top faithfulness He brings the vision back, over and over. In time we realize that we're too little to hold onto it ourselves. Meanwhile the vision grows, or maybe God just lets us see more of it. We learn to let God hold the vision in one hand and in the other hand we let Him hold ours and just go along with Him as He fulfills it in us. Boy I wish I'd hurry up and learn that.

a tale of three kings

I just read this really great book...for the fourth time. It is A Tale of Three Kings, by Gene Edwards. It is imho, it's one of the best Christian books I've ever read, by one of my favorite authors. It looks at the life of king David and how he handled authority, both Saul's authority over him and his authority over Absalom. It talks about how God used Saul's terrible treatment of David to crush him and remove the "Saul" from David's heart allowing him to be a man after God's own heart rather than just another power-hungry ruler. Saul was the tool that moulded David into the man God wanted him to be.

faithfulness

I've been thinking about God's faithfulness lately. I guess mainly because I've been struggling with it a lot. I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's like the last few weeks I've totally forgotten everything I ever knew about His faithfulness. I'm coming back around now, but I feel like I've totally started over with less knowledge than before. :s Maybe it's not so bad though. I mean, maybe it was like I had all these ideas about His faithfulness built up and they seemed really good. However there must have been a serious weakness in there somewhere because I lost it all. I mean all of it. Now I'm starting over and hoping God will build my ideas about His faithfulness stronger this time around.

I think my biggest struggle has been a fear that He will get mad at me and abandon me. I've had a relationship with God long enough to know better. I'm not really sure why my concept of His faithfulness came crashing down. But it did. I was so scared that I would eventually do something bad enough to chase Him away. The fear was taking over. I was distancing myself from Him thinking He would give up on me. However, God's been showing me that He already knows the worst horror I am capable of. He knows more of my worst than I'll ever have opportunity to see. Nothing I do will ever shock Him into changing His mind about loving me.

Something else He showed me was about these verses in John 10:27-29,

"My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they
follow Me; and I give eternal life to them, and they will never perish; and no
one will snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is
greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's
hand."

No one is strong enough to take me out of His hand - including me. I got this picture the other day while I was asking God to show me His faithfulness again. It's like I was trapped inside this grave (like the kind they had in Jesus' time which was a cave with a HUGE boulder rolled down over the entrance to seal it) and I couldn't move the boulder and free myself. Then Jesus came and moved the boulder for me and let me out. I came out into a beautiful garden where I could be friends with God. After I came out the boulder slid back down into place. No strength of mine can remove the boulder to allow myself to crawl back into the dark grave. I wasn't strong enough to move it away to free myself nor am I strong enough to move it away to imprison myself again. No matter what.

I'm not sure how all of that stands up theologically. It's just that I'm seeing God is faithful. That is His character. It doesn't change. I can be unfaithful, I can be a brat, I can throw a fit, I can walk away from Him, and He will remain solidly faithful. His faithfulness has nothing to do with who I am or how I behave. It's all wrapped up in who He is. I have given my life to Him. I've reminded Him (and me) of that so many times. He is faithful. I may someday forget that I am His, but He will never forget. If I ever fall He will catch me. If I ever give up, He will bring me back. In the past I've feared that one day I would stupidly walk away from God and forget He's the best thing that I've ever known. I'm seeing that if I ever did forget Him, He would not forget me. He would chase me and win my heart back. He would remind me. God is not insecure or easily offended by my weakness, He's bigger than that. He's faithful, longer than the sun and moon, longer than the stars, longer than the galaxies, and certainly longer than my short breath of life. He is faithful beyond the end of time.

where would i go?

On the edge
Pushed too far
No energy left to fight
Maybe it's time to give in

But where would I go?
I've glimpsed life that's real

Where would I go?
I've tasted the only true love

Where would I go?
I've heard the music of eternity

There's nowhere else
Quitting would be inner death
I lost my vision to the pain
But I can't give in to it's pull

Bring back the vision
Renew the strength to fight
Awake in me the desire again
God help me seek Your face
You are my only hope

servanthood

Last night our housechurch talked about servanthood. Somehow we managed to talk about two different aspects of it. Both how we as a housechurch need to be serving one another and how we need to serve others outside of our group. We decided to raise money to help those hit by the tsunami in Asia. The death toll is so huge I almost can't get my mind to understand how that many people could be dead. God help us raise money and please use it to make a real difference.

lonely

I'm having one of those days. A few of them actually. One of those days where it doesn't really matter what you're doing or where you are you just feel lonely. I don't like being in this kind of mood. Yuck. Maybe because I'm working full-time. Probably because Marie's in China. She's having fun there, I'm glad she's there, but I miss her a lot. She comes back tomorrow though and I'm going to clean her room for her. I think she's already on her way so hopefully she won't get a chance to read this and she'll be surprised.

computer ate my post

Well, as my little sister Jacque was so faithful to post, we spent the weekend at our grandparents' house in Nebraska. I tried to post earlier. I wrote this long, rambling post about Christmas. However while I was attempting to run spell check the computer dumped my post. As it was long and the hour was late I did not want to take the time to rewrite it. Now after a couple day's thought I've decided not to post such a rambling thing anyway.

We had car trouble on the way to my grandparents' house so my parents and I had to drive back two days early to pick up another transmission and take it back to our poor stranded suburban so my dad can fix it. They dropped me off at my house in Summit on the way because I have to work Wednesday. My dad was pretty sure he would not have the transmissions switched by then, so here I am. It was nice being with everyone, even if it was shorter than I planned.

holiday rush

Last Saturday (I know, I'm posting late) the housechurch had a Christmas dinner. Beforehand, Isaac, Tyller and I were talking about questions we could ask people while we ate. One that Isaac came up with was this: how do the holidays effect your walk with God? Does it take you closer to Him or does the busyness of the holidays distract you? Though we ran out of time and thus never got to that question, it made me evaluate myself. I have been distracted this month. Especially since school ended and I've been working full time.

Not that I haven't been growing or learning over the last month. It's been hard, possibly the hardest this year. Seems like I've been learning some of the basics over again. Funny how we never grow out of those. Basic trust that God will work things out with my job, that He will provide for me, that He will give me wisdom for decisions about my future, that He has the power to change my heart, and that He will never stop loving me. The power that saved me, that placed me in God's strong hands is the same power that keeps me from falling out of those strong hands.

happy birthday to me

Today is my 21st birthday! I'm very excited for no good reason that I can think of. I haven't done anything that only those real adults over 21 can do. I did get tricked by a bottle of cream soda disguised as beer that my little sister Joanie gave me. (Yes, I'm gullible sometimes.) I was also sang to by all the housechurch leaders today. Very nice.

inseparable

Check out Acts 9:1-5

I was reading Acts again recently and I noticed something in this passage. So Saul's persecuting the church and Jesus appears to him and asks, "Saul, why are you persecuting Me?" I was thinking about that. Saul wasn't persecuting Jesus, He was persecuting the church, right? Wait, if the body of Christ is the church, then to persecute the church is to persecute Jesus. It would be ridiculous to beat someone up, leave their head untouched and say that you didn't beat them you beat their body. I used to be like that. I separated in my mind Jesus from His body the church. I used to be hurt and bitter towards the church. Recently God showed me that I had to let go of the last scraps of bitterness I held onto against segments of the church. He showed me that I was hurting Jesus with my attitudes towards His beloved bride the church. Jesus keep teaching me to love Your bride like You do and see her with Your eyes.

days and nights

"Then God said, "let there be light"; and there was light. God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from the darkness. God called the light day, and the darkness He called night. And there was evening and there was morning, one day." ~ Genesis 1:3-5

I didn't have the greatest day yesterday. Nothing really happened, I just had this bad attitude I couldn't seem to shake. Yea, maybe something is kinda bothering me, but it's not the type of thing that should be a whole day-ruiner. I think my own attitude and inability to make it go away bothered me the most. I went to sleep in a bad mood. This morning, however, I woke up in a great mood and I had a nice dream last night about hanging out with some of my friends.

(Thanks guys we had a nice time. ;)

Anyway I was thinking, God was very wise when He separated days from nights. Think about it, what would life be like if we couldn't go to sleep at the end of a bad day. Bad days would just go on and on and on and on......

God knew how weak we would be sometimes. He gave us days so that we could start over in the morning. I think that's possibly my favorite part of how God designed the world. Colors were also a very good idea, so was snow, and the ability to see in 3-D......

"The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness." ~ Lamentations 3:22,23

i survived

Ok, so after two almost-all-nighters in a row I got two presentations, two papers, and a test done. I must say that energy drinks, especially Red Bull, deserve some of the credit. I couldn't have stayed up so many hours with a functioning brain without them. Also Ben's mom Tammy helped me on a statistics project for like seven hours. She is a superhero. Well I need to go sleep my brain's not working too well anymore....

has panic set in yet?....yes.

It's that time of year, end of semester finals! Rather than having finals, I have big projects in two of my classes this semester. I've been working on them thinking, like all sensible end-of-semester projects that they would be due on the last day or something logical like that. No, no. Today I happened to take a closer look at both my syllabus' and realized that no, they're both due this week, not next week. One tomorrow (or I guess later today) and one the day after that. I am not going to get much sleep these next two days. :(

my poor socks

Okay, I am single. I do my own laundry; no one else ever does it for me. I don't do anyone else's laundry. Hey, I even live in the laundry room at my house. I have but a step to go and I'm there at the washing machine with my laundry. Yet somehow I still manage to lose my socks in the wash! How in the world am I doing this!? I'm frustrated.

Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving my family kept with tradition and went to Glenwood Springs. We ate at the Hotel Colorado. I had salmon, very good; the food's always great there. We also went to see two movies in one day, something I've never done before. It was because my generous Aunt and Uncle paid for everyone (their family of four and my family of six, yikes). We saw The Incredibles and National Tresure, both cool. We swam in the hot springs as well. And my sister Jacque and I want for a lovely four mile walk to the mall and back. It was a pretty good two days. For a short post that was a lot of links. Does it make you jealous?

Back from Mexico

Well the internet in my hotel has been out of order since the last time I posted. I never got a chance to hit an internet cafe as we were pretty busy the whole trip.

This has got to be my new favorite city. It's so diverse, it has everyone form millionaires to those living out of cardboard shacks to those on the streets, many languages are spoken there, parts are so like the U.S. and other places are vastly different, it's international, and it's HUGE. Something about being there excites me more than any other place I've been, even more than China. It feels like anything could happen at any moment. Like being at the canter of something big. ; )

Our trip centered mainly around reconnecting with a lot of the people from Pueblo Del Fey, the church Mike and Judy planted down there. We did a lot of stuff with them, especially the Prats. The Prats are this great family with four kids: Michelle, Chris, Stephanie, and Jennifer. We probably hung out with Michelle and Chris the most since they are the oldest. We did a lot with them, we went to the pyramids and climbed them, to the ballet, rode horses, went on a boat through these canals in part of the city, went to the two nicest restaurants I've ever been to, went to the mall, and visited their grandparents. It was a lot of fun.

We also met Ivan, one of the guys who is involved with the 24/7 prayer movement in Mexico. He told us a lot of what his church was doing in the community and how 24/7 had impacted his life and that of the church. He also talked of how badly the church in Mexico struggles with unity. We also went to the ruins of an Aztec temple in the center of Mexico City and the we want to the Cathedral that had been built over part of those ruins. It really struck me how spiritually dark both those places were.

Overall the biggest things I came away with are how I need to pray for Mexico. I need to pray for God to help the church unite there so that they can be more effective in shining as a light in a place that still has a lot of darkness. I saw that in the temple/cathedral. I've been to one cathedral before, in New York, it felt different. I'm not sure how to explain it. Less oppressive I think. The cathedral in Mexico City felt oppressive and dark. I need to pray that God would bring light there through His united church.

The last thing I think about Mexico City is that I've got to go back. : )

i'm here

The second flight workd out and I am now posting from my hotel in El Ciudad De México. I need to apologize in advance for any bad spelling, I'm not very good and the spell check in in español so I can't use it.

I'm super excited, it's been awhile since I've really been outside of the U.S. The city is familiar in a way because I've been in Latinamerican cities before and at the same time very new. I've never been anyplace this huge. I've got to go though, my time with the net is about up. I'll try to post more later.

Mexico City

So our flight which would have left tonight at around six was canceled. It was rescheduled for tomorrow at the same time. At least we still get to fly into Mexico City at night. That's the best time, at night when darkness covers all hints of dirt and any flaw. A city looks like a beautiful field of peaceful fallen stars from the air at night. The next morning reality hits you see the dirt and the poverty. Mexico City has more street children than any other. God let me see through Your eyes. Give me Your compassion. Let my heart break with Yours over what I see.

it's dying

The little cd player in my car is dying. It has many problems. The wire that connects it to the cigarette lighter in my car comes unplugged very easily, like when I go over a bump. This cuts off the power to my cd player and it shuts off. The anti-shock button makes it go into repeat-one-song mode, so does the rewind button. It also randomly decides to just go back to the beginning of the cd and start over, after doing this about three times it will quit altogether for about an hour. Sometimes it works perfectly. It's very moody. All this frustrates me when I'm driving, I frequently give up and just sing to myself. How I wish I had an ipod, but alas, I am a poor girl and I might have to buy another car in the next year (mine's taking a quart of oil a week these days, :s not good.) I'm praying this car will last awhile longer, but ipod will have to wait while I save for another car. Arrrg, I'm getting tired of cds though.

BTW, I'm leaving for Mexico City tomorrow. I'll be going with Isaac, Marie, Ben, and Isaac's parents Mike and Judy. I'm excited. I'll try to post more tomorrow, if not I'll do it when I get back on the 23rd.

early church life

Acts 2:42-47 & 4:32-25

I've been reading Acts for this class I'm talking. It's been really cool. One thing I'm seeing and feeling convicted about is how the early church lived. There were no followers of Jesus outside the church. To follow Jesus was to become part of His Bride. The two were inseparable. I'm amazed every time I read Acts at how 100% the disciples are. They rarely call themselves believers, I guess the word was to passive for them. When they decided to follow Jesus they gave everything - literally. People sold their property to meet the needs of others. They opened their homes constantly and thus did away with privacy. They met together every day, giving up their free time. They were devoted to prayer and the apostles' teaching, which would have convicted them of any little sin in their hearts. They also gave up their independence. They even allowed themselves to be under the authority of the apostles. They had a vision for Jesus which meant a vision for His church. The church was not an organization or social club to them, no it was a whole new lifestyle. The church took over every individual's life. They really gave it all to Jesus.

I feel convicted when I read these passages. How much have I given up for the church? How much have I really joyfully surrendered to Jesus? In comparison to these people nothing. I haven't even begun. I've never sold anything to provide for another's need. I don't get together with people to worship God every day. Haven't opened my home (or in my case little room). How much independence have I let go of? No I'm a little slacker and compared to them I've not really sacrificed for the church much yet. It hasn't completely taken over my life.

Jesus, I want You to really have everything. Please lead me into a deeper level of commitment to You and a greater willingness to give You absolutely everything. Teach me to live my life like these people in Acts. Not just me teach the whole body of Christ worldwide to live like this again. Shake us out of our mediocrity. Give us this sweet dream and teach us to run with it....

in and not of?

John 3:17 John 13:35 John 18:36 James 4:4 1 John 2:15

I’ve been thinking about this verse since the last time I posted. In the world but not of it. What does that mean? I think Christians get this switched backwards a lot. Often we are of the world but not in it.

What do I mean of the world but not in it? I mean we are legalistic. We’re anti-culture. (I don’t know if this is a problem with Christians in Europe but I see it here in the U.S. way too much.) We are against Hollywood, homosexuals, secular music, dance, and the list goes on. It’s quite long in some circles. American Christianity seems to have its own culture that’s even been recognized by the secular media. We are not in the world. Yet strangely I’ve noticed we are often of the world. Just like everyone else we’re cliquish, closed and unloving to anyone who’s different. Just like everyone else we force our standards on others and get offended when they refuse to conform. Even unbelievers face our judgement. We shun the ones Jesus made a point of hanging out with. We behave as if we were of the world.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I believe there’s a place for standards. There is definitely a place to stand up and say that something is wrong. I also am aware that everyone has their set of weaknesses and there are things in this world that trigger those weaknesses. There are things about pop-culture that are wrong, vulgar, or cause a person to stumble into sin. Of course these should be avoided. I don’t think we should choose to always watch and listen to and do what the world does. I also don’t think we should shun it just because it was the creation of someone who is not a follower of Jesus.

So what do I think it means to be in the world but not of it? I think it means knowing the issues that turn their hearts. Embracing culture and art while listening carefully to God and being open to any changes or standards He might set. Simultaneously refusing to compromise purity and refusing to hide away from the world. How can we reach people if we’re hiding? We need to be in the world yet not of it. How will they know we’re not of this world? Our love. (John 13:35) People who are readily accepting of those who are not a part of their group. They are loving towards those with different ideas. The kind who are not afraid and won’t be shaken from the standards God has given, yet never condemn those who don’t follow the same standard. There is a fragrance of a love from another dimension. Something that could only come from God. This is how they will see that we’re not just a group with different ideas which at its heart is essentially the same as them, but a group deeply changed at the heart.

tears

"You have taken account of my wanderings;
Put my tears in Your bottle.
Are they not in Your book?"
~Psalm 56:8

This is one of my favorite verses in the Bible. It humbles and touches me how incredibly interested the God of the univers is in me. He's not just interested in what happens in my life, or "wanderings," but His is also interested in how I feel. It's important to Him. Not just when it makes sense. This verse gives no qualifications for my tears being important to God. I could be crying about nothing and He would still care. He doesn't just care if I cry, He cares what I cry about. Even if it's silly or doesn't make any sense, what makes me cry is important to Him. This verse means a lot to me because I used to be afraid to let myself or God see me cry. People used to laugh at me or get angry whenever I cryed so I thought that God would respond the way the people around me always had. God's taken me through a rather long process of being able to be touched by Him and yes even cry in His presence. This verse has helped me a lot as I've learned to let God bring me closer. It's really awesome to know how close God is.

church retreat

I just got back from Immanuel Fellowship's annual church retreat. Every year we go to Snow Mountain Ranch for a weekend. It's so much fun. We stay together in rooms that hold up to six people, eat all our meals together, swim, play kick ball, roller skate, hike, you get the idea. It's a good time to hang out and get to know everyone better.

This year all the times of teaching we had were focused on the Bride. (The room we rented for our gatherings had recently been used for a wedding and the decorations hadn't been taken down yet. How perfect is that?) A few things that stuck out to me were that we really need to identify ourselves with the Bride. Church is not a building, or even an organization, it's us. We can stand back and be disillusioned, criticize her, and be bitter, but we can't escape the fact that she is us and we are her. Also if she is the bride of Christ and Jesus gave Himself up for her then we need to learn to love her as He does. She is the body of Christ. I recently read an article from the book called The Relevant Church which stated that because the church is Christ's Bride and body we cannot really love Him unless we also love His church. However the church is not perfect. We are imperfect people thus the church is imperfect. God is working in His Son's Bride to purify her. We need to be doing the same; helping her rather than putting her down. We need to be helping her purify herself for Jesus. I need to pray for the whole church world wide to become more of what God made her to be, and ask God for more vision to see this.

Saturday night we always have a ministry time. You can come up front and pray, ask for prayer, and pray for others. I had to surrender my desire to have people's approval. That one will be a long time in the works. ; ) I had the privilege of praying for a few of my friends. I also got to translate for an English-speaking couple who were trying to pray for a guy who spoke Spanish. They were having a very hard time communicating with their limited knowledge of each other's languages. It was really cool to be able to help them out.

On the last day of the retreat we usually play a game of kick-ball. However this year it was cold, windy, and snowing on and off. So we played dodge-ball instead. I've got to admit that I like this a lot better. I like the chaos of it. I'm much better at it too. My team won (not because of me) by what seemed like a very little bit. And then it was over. *sigh* Well I'll be back next year, looking forward to it already....

kansas city

The trip to Kansas City was pretty good. A group of eleven of the housechurch leaders from Immanuel Fellowship drove from Summit, very long drive. I don't mind though I like driving with people, even if we don't talk much I can watch my friends sleep. I like the way people look when they sleep, so innocent and peaceful. Some people that's the only time they look innocent and peaceful. :P

All the speakers were very good as well imho. It was cool to hear the experienced church planters talk about the Bride of Christ, vision, the Kingdom of God, and set backs in ministry. I felt like God called me to plant churches (hopefully in other countries eventually) when I was seventeen. At the time I was really shy and didn't have much vision for the church anyway. I was wondering why on earth God chose me. One of the speakers also used to not have any vision for the church, he spoke powerfully on how you really can't love Christ without loving His bride.

I also got to eat lunch with Pete Greig (who wrote the book Red Moon Rising), his wife Sammie, and their very cute little boy Daniel. It was defiantly a high point of the trip to hear how things are going for 24-7 Prayer. They were also just fun to hang out with. Overall a really great trip, can't wait till next year.

earthshake

I just got back from earthshake, it was, once again very good. God's really been deepening my love for the church, His bride, in general so it was very encouraging to go hear other people with a vision for the church talk about it. A lot of them have been church planters for many years both in the U.S. and internationally. I really think this is what God has called me to do with my life: plant churches. However it's pretty late so I will have to post more later.

dating, or not

Today I was talking to a younger friend about dating. Or not dating I guess. (Don't worry I don't think dating is a sin or anything.) I just feel like God doesn't want me to date or be in any kind of a romantic relationship until He tells me who and when.

I made the commitment not to date at 14 and so I've never had a boyfriend. Some people have said that this will leave me unsure of how to relate to guys and unsure of what I want in a husband. Actually, at 20 I think it's done the opposite.

Not dating has kept the pressure off my friendships allowing more depth and trust with both guys and girls. Being able to just be friends with guys worry free has allowed me to see more of who they really are. This would include annoying boy stuff that you (hopefully) would never see on a date. (I guess to be fair I must say that they've seen me be annoying too!) It's allowed me to learn how to deal with the way God designed us to think differently without the added emotion of a romantic relationship. I've been able to ask my closer guy friends questions about how guys think, and if it annoys them when girls do this, and if they generally care about stuff like that. It's good to be able to know if something I said hurt them, or if they honestly didn't really think about it.

My guy friends have done an awesome job being gentlemen. They've taught me to expect a certain level of respect. I've also seen in all of them godly character qualities that I admire. I hope I've done as good a job of being a lady, respecting them, and showing godly character.

So anyway, though there is no one catching my attention as so many people ask me these days now that I'm 20, I don't think I'll be as unprepared as some thought. For now, my heart's only for God.

two weeks

It's been two weeks since my last post. Sorry about that, it's just nearly impossible for me to get on the internet right now. I post every time I'm online. :s

A lot has happened in two weeks. David, a friend from housechurch moved to Florida about a week ago. God really gave him peace about moving back in with his family. I'll miss him though, David is a gentleman and a really great friend. I'll be praying for him as he gets used to his new life in Florida. There's a picture of him on Isaac's blog.

Just before David left for Florida Isaac left for Bei Jing, China. We haven't heard much. That's understandable, I've also been to Bei Jing and found it nearly impossible to a) find the time to attempt communication, and b) actually get any phone card to work from Asia. The internet is the easiest way to tell the people at home that I'm still alive but the lines have been long in my experience. Anyway he's coming back tonight, his plane has already landed I think. I can't wait to hear about the trip.

I should have a good chance to hear about his trip on the way to Kansas City later this week. All the housechurch leaders are going to earthshake, a conference for church leaders. This year they will focus on the New Testament church and Acts. It's an eight hour drive, hopefully I'll get to hear all about Isaac's time in China during the ride.

I'm kinda excited that the conference will be about the early church. This week Immanuel Fellowship started a class studying the book of Acts. I'm really excited about the class because God's been speaking to me a lot about church lately in the prayer room. He's been powerfully deepening my vision for and understanding of His bride over the summer, especially since the beginning of the prayer room. I can't wait to see what God has to speak to me as I study the church's beginning in Acts. Anyway, that was the last two weeks. Sorry I'll try to get to the net more.

chasing the sunrise?

Why have I named my blog "chasing the sunrise?" It's kinda off of a picture I've always had of what it's like to be a Christian.

Once I was in darkness, and all the light was fake and temporary. Then one day I saw the sunrise and knew there was more to life than me. Irresistibaly drawn I began to chase the sunrise. The beautiful thing about chasing the sunrise is that it comes towards me faster than I can run after it. And so though on my way I may have to run down into a valley or two and my path may take me into the shadow of a hill, we are always coming closer and closer to one another. My hope of seeing the full beauity of day cannot fail.

love

Can love go on?
When such a history haunts me?
My mind's been trained
The wounds still hurt

Can love remain?
You hurt me afresh
Stretched beyond my ability
Weary and weak, nothing left

Can love endure?
The battles you make me fight
How lonely I feel with you
The weight of secrets I hide

Can love last?
We both strain for the feeling
You don't give me what I need
Can I be what you need?

I've run out of my own
Long ago I was no longer able
wishing I could, knowing I can't
How long do I fight this trap?

God, You are the only pure source
The fountain that will not run dry
Take my weak love away
Give me what only You can give

With Your love I can give
No rewards for my labor
I can go on despite the past
I will endure through all

Your love will remain, keep it in me
I've got to learn to give this away
Got to learn the steady love
Teach me in this sharp land of pain

more classes

I started a couple more classes this week: Spanish and French. I think these are my favorite classes this semester. They will also be the most challenging and have the most homework. I guess learning a language requires more work.

keep me...

"For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it. And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." ~ Romans 8:24-28

"Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen." ~ Jude 1:24,25

What do I hope to see God do? I have a pretty long list of things I'd like to see happen in my life and the lives around me. It's easy for me to get discouraged when I see nothing happen, or worse, when I see the opposite happen.

In Spanish the word for hope is espirar. It means two things: to hope and to wait. It makes sense in that verse, "...for who hopes for what he already sees?" Sometimes though you come to a point of realization though. You realize that you've been trying to hard to be a hero and that what you are waiting for may never come. I have recently come to one of those points, it's not fun. I've been holding onto some hopes for too long and trying too hard. I think there's a point when you need to just let go of it because it's become a chain. Does that mean you stop hoping? I'm not sure, but I don't think so. Maybe you just put it aside, admit you tried and failed, and let the situation be what it's been. Keep peace as much as possible, but don't break your neck trying to change something that won't be changed. Just let it go to God, if He decides to change it fine, if not then it must be for the better somehow anyway.

And God does work all things for our good if we allow it. Even with all the messy human freewill and one's choices hurting another. Even in terrible injustice God's hand is not too weak, His creativity not so limited that He cannot find or create a way to make any situation work out for good. Sometimes looking back at my rather short life of twenty years I am awed by how God used situations that at the time seemed like they would be forever and hopelessly crippling to my walk with God. Amazingly they weren't. Hard yes, I wouldn't repeat them, but because of the value they've had in causing me to grow closer to God I would not trade them for anything. I've been called and God has a purpose in calling me. How could I ever think He wouldn't come in power to cause even dashed hopes to bring me closer to Him and train me to better carry our His purposes for me? Somehow I manage it. However He's teaching me trust. If a year ago I had gone through what I'm going through now I would've freaked out. A lot of people are also praying for me right now, which is probably a pivotal part of my not totally freaking right now. Maybe I'm learning to let go of the control and just trust that if God wants to make my dashed hopes reality He will, in His time. Till then all my best efforts are useless.

Sometimes when something hard happens in my life, or when I see a fear coming up on the horizon, I get worried that I won't be able to handle it. That is also one my biggest fears when I see a friend going through a hard time: that they will stumble and fall under the pressure. However, God's been showing me largely through my time in the prayer room, that it's not me that keeps my feet on the path. God is the one who keeps me. I've committed myself to Him. He shook heaven and earth to provide a way for me to be saved through His only Son. Will He easily let me fall once He's won my heart and I've begun to follow Him? That's ridiculous, of course not. He will keep me from falling. He will keep my friends who've committed themselves to Him from falling. He will make us "stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy." God is showing me that through the ups and downs I face in my relationship with Him, during the good and the bad times, He is in control and is working to accomplish His purposes in and through me. He will not let me fall far.

Sorry about the super long post. I just needed to sort through some of the things God has been teaching me lately. Now if only I could keep these lessons learned.....

peace

"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful." ~ Colossians 3:15

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 4:6,7

Peace, it's a hard won state of being. Seems kinda rare; even among Christians. What's stopping us? I don't know, I can never fugure out what stops me from living in that kind of peace. I think I have figured out that it's not me that does it, it's the "peace of Christ." I've been learning that it's all Jesus who puts His peace inside of me. If I try to do it I just get uptight. I'm also seeing the meaning of peace that surpasses all comprehension in a new way. I never understood it before the past two days. I've seen it now and I still don't understand it.

It's peace in the middle of the raging storm,
peace so deep that it's strong and unshakeable,
peace that completely contradicts the circumstances,
peace so calm you could curl up and fall asleep in it no matter what,
peace that allows you to stand and fight any battle fearlessly,
peace which lets you run with endurance beyond yourself,
peace so easy to keep because it keeps you,
peace with only One possible source.....

leaders' retreat

I got back from a retreat Tuesday (yes I know I'm behind, but access to a computer is quite limited these days) that Immanuel Fellowship had for the housechurch leaders.

The first night, Sunday, was kind of hard for me. I didn't feel like I belonged there, almost everyone else was older, more mature, had walked with God longer, and are just generally more experienced at leading. However as I watched everyone worship, God told me that really all of us feel that way. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. If we don't let it cripple us, then remembering how unfit we are for the job keeps us dependent on God. Actually, it's a lot better than thinking you know it all, doing it without God's help, and then screwing it up really badly. So I feel inadequate, I am, but God has called me to help lead this housechurch so I guess He must have a way to use me.

Monday we talked about vision. The way Mike illustrated it was as a pyramid. On the bottom level is Biblical Discipleship, basically living the life that Jesus lived and talked about. Next is Biblical Church Life, this is where everyone who is learning to live like Jesus learns among other things, to forgive, serve, and love each other like Jesus. The third and final level is Effective Ministry. As one level grows so do all the others, and each provides a foundation for the next. We talked about this last fall but somehow this time lights went on in my head, whereas before it didn't mean much for some reason. We also talked about effective follow-up of visitors, caring for the people in our housechurch, and discipling them. There are a lot of areas I need to work on to become a better housechurch leader.

Monday night God spoke something entirely off the subject of the retreat to me. It's really good that He does that sometimes. I've struggled a lot with jealousy toward some people who are very close to me. The last thing I wanted was for my jealousy to hurt them in any way. So in an attempt to protect them I've started trying to pull back whenever I feel it. (Or maybe I'm not that noble, maybe I just didn't want to feel bad so I back away.) Well God showed me that what I'm doing is not good. I need to pray for a heart that can be genuinely thankful that others have what they have. The only way for me to get it is to pray, I'm not that sweet on my own.

The retreat ended Tuesday. Over all it was a huge blessing and a good time to rest. The place we stayed was beautiful. God was really speaking to me but if I wrote it all here this post would be monster sized. It's already long, so I guess I've said enough.

quirks

Like any older car, mine has a few quirks. It leaks through the floor and every window - including the sunroof. The leaking sunroof was a real pain until my dad fixed it, it dripped right on me whenever it rained. It shakes between 65 and 70 mph. On top of this it leaks break fluid; I've become very proficient at changing the break fluid. Monday I discovered a new quirk: the speedometer doesn't work. However this quirk is kinda fun, I look down at the speedometer and it reads 115. However the shaking tells me I'm only doing, like, 70. When I first discovered this I burred the speedometer at 132, just to say I've done it. ; )

matthew 22:35-40

One of them, a lawyer, asked Him a question, testing Him, "Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?" And He said to him, "'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets."

Last night in housechurch we talked about what it would really look like if someone gave their lives to living these two commandments. I think, though no Christian would dare admit this, that we kinda consider these commandment optional. If we didn't consider them optional the world would be a radically different place. You would never hear of Christians being judgmental, self-righteous, hypocrites if we did. I say we because I'm as guilty as anyone. I've read this passage a lot, memorized it, even sang it, and I've thought I wanted to live it. But do I really? Do I really think it is all that important? Have I ever sat down with God and evaluated my life in an attempt to see if I live it? Looked at how I spend my money, approach friendships, and dream of the future? No.

God I need You to change my heart, tie these two commandments to it. I forget them so easily. Please teach me to really live like this....

continuing the prayer room

The forty days of prayer officially end on Tuesday. However, a lot of people in the church are saying they don't want it to end. Tonight it was decided that we will keep praying 24/7 through the month of September! God's done so much so far, I can't wait to see what more He will do with another 30.

reconciliation

One thing I was hoping would happen in the prayer room was reconciliation. It's happened, but not like I thought it would. There was one person I was not expecting nor desiring to learn to like; I've prayed with them a couple of times and God's changed my heart. Another who I wronged told me I was forgiven tonight. It feels very freeing to have these walls torn down.

when i grow up

The fall semester started this week, today is the last of three days of classes. I'm not taking many classes though, just a math and a science. I'll add a Spanish and a French, but I'm taking those with a different school so they start later.

Last summer and winter I was pretty sure I wanted to be a nurse and have been taking prerequisites for it. However over the last couple of semesters I've grown less and less sure. I do know that I don't just want to take the minimum amount of classes required to get into nursing school. I at least want to get my associate of science. It would give me more time to pray about my future; it would also allow for more options if I decided not to be a nurse.

What would I really like to be when I grow up? Hmm.... Actually the thought of not being in school learning something doesn't really appeal to me. If I could just find a job that makes me constantly learn new stuff then I would be very happy.

breaking bread

The housechurch spent some time praying for each other in the prayer room tonight. It was a good prayer time; we just did a spontaneous one on one thing. Afterwards I had the rather hard job of leading a discussion on the Lord's supper. It's something I've been wanting to do for a few months, ever since God suddenly gave me a deeper understanding of what it means. I've really been wanting to communicate what God showed me because I want other people to see how cool it is and enjoy it as much as I do. However I did not realize that it would be as hard as it turned out to be when I took the job/honor. I think it went okay though.

This is My Body....

This rite I've performed all my life
Once seeped in foreboding tradition
And clueless to any real meaning
Yet this is more than mere custom

The bread comes always first
"This is My body broken for you."
I take and pause before eating
What is this I do?

I eat this bread as a promise
It is my promise to share
The cross' suffering and death
I'm too weak, bound to fall always

Fearful, I've vowed too far
Now comes to me the cup
"This is my blood spilled for you."
What does this signify for me?

Though I fail, Jesus' blood never will
My promise I cannot hope to keep
Yet His promise will ever stand
This blood blots out every failure

Much more than empty tradition
This simple act defies religion
The flesh and blood of a living faith
Our declaration of His redeeming death

personal care provider

Over the last few weeks my new job as a personal care provider has gone well. I really like my patient and she likes me. However it's kind of stressful at times. One day I'll have so much to do that I go way past the time when I'm supposed to get out. Random things often come up which cause everyday tasks which I can do in five minutes to take me twenty. Way too much to do and not nearly enough time. Other days I get everything done very quickly and am bored out of my mind and racking my brain to find a productive use of the time I'm being paid to work at her house. I don't want to waste paid time doing unimportant things - or worse, nothing. Most of the time I can't leave early because there's that one thing I'm still waiting on, like the laundry in the dryer. Yet none of this tries my patience much, I try to see it as just part of the job.

By far the thing that gets to me the most is the Wal-Mart pharmacy. In my experience, the average wait is an hour. Big chunk of wasted time if there is not much shopping to do and very frustrating. A lesson in patience hopefully. (I'm still a little sore about missing most of my sister's birthday Friday.)

Basically my job is to take four hours a day, five days a week and make sure my patient's life runs smoothly 24/7 to the best of my power. It's a big responsibility, but very rewarding. It's teaching me patience, organization, responsibility, problem solving, and servanthood more than most other jobs could. Also my patient's a sweet woman, and her sincere thanks at the end of every day is always good to hear. She let's me know I'm doing a good job and really helping her. Overall I'd say this is the best job I've ever had.

baptisms

Today after church six of my friends were baptized in a river. I felt a little bad for them because the water was very cold. After the initial gasp of shock at the coldness of the water they were all smiling. I guess being baptized is definitely worth it. I was baptized when I was fifteen during a mission trip to Peru. Though I had prayed a prayer when I was five, I had really just decided to follow Jesus two months before the trip. It was on the fourth of July in a little lake in a zoo fed by the Amazon's water (yes it did contain piranhas, but it's relatively safe in the shallows). Kind of a unique setting for a baptism. I remember it meant a lot to me. A really hard time the previous year had caused me to rethink my relationship with God and realize that at best I only maybe had fire insurance. I knew I needed more; I needed friendship, freedom from sin, and something to live for. For me it was a break from the darkness of all that I had discovered myself to be and a promise to give my life completely to God. A declaration that my life was His forever. It felt so awesome, more than worth it in any water temperature. ; )

Julie's birthday

Today is my little sister's seventh birthday. For me it was a complicated day. I went to work, planned housechurch, and registered for college classes. Then due to complications with my job as a personal care provider I had to go back to work at 5:00 because the pharmacy had not had my patient's prescriptions earlier in the day. Arriving at Wal-Mart at about 5:20 I was in for a two and a half hour wait. It was very frustrating, I learned to play some games on my new cell phone, bummed around the store boredly shopping with no intention to buy anything, returning ever thirty minutes or so to see if they were done yet. I admit I got angry with them, two and a half hours is a lot of time for frustration to build. On top of that my little sister lives almost an hour away from me. I did not get home until 9:00, but I think in the end I was much more upset about it than Julie was. She was so adorable when she was opening her presents. My mom has to take a picture of each one and Julie's anything but camera shy. She comes up with the cutest poses. She liked all the presents I got her at Wal-Mart. So I guess some good did come of all the time I spent there today. :S

back to night shifts

Sorry I haven't posted much lately, my access to a computer has been sketchy since I moved. I'm last in line at my new house. Anyway, my times in the prayer room have been really good. God's been speaking to me a lot, and answering questions that have taunted me for awhile. He's been doing a lot in my heart and at the same time I'm seeing how very, very far I've yet to go. It's simultaneously really awesome and a little discouraging. The last two weeks have been exciting like that. I'm over being sick so I've started taking the late night and the early morning shifts again. I think maybe I do like the night shifts a little better. Maybe because I feel like I'm sacrificing more, or because it seems less conventional. Well actually it's probably because at those times I've got less on my mind because the day's over. That's all for now, I'll try to get to the computer more often this week. I'm not making any promises though. ; )