lonely

I'm having one of those days. A few of them actually. One of those days where it doesn't really matter what you're doing or where you are you just feel lonely. I don't like being in this kind of mood. Yuck. Maybe because I'm working full-time. Probably because Marie's in China. She's having fun there, I'm glad she's there, but I miss her a lot. She comes back tomorrow though and I'm going to clean her room for her. I think she's already on her way so hopefully she won't get a chance to read this and she'll be surprised.

computer ate my post

Well, as my little sister Jacque was so faithful to post, we spent the weekend at our grandparents' house in Nebraska. I tried to post earlier. I wrote this long, rambling post about Christmas. However while I was attempting to run spell check the computer dumped my post. As it was long and the hour was late I did not want to take the time to rewrite it. Now after a couple day's thought I've decided not to post such a rambling thing anyway.

We had car trouble on the way to my grandparents' house so my parents and I had to drive back two days early to pick up another transmission and take it back to our poor stranded suburban so my dad can fix it. They dropped me off at my house in Summit on the way because I have to work Wednesday. My dad was pretty sure he would not have the transmissions switched by then, so here I am. It was nice being with everyone, even if it was shorter than I planned.

holiday rush

Last Saturday (I know, I'm posting late) the housechurch had a Christmas dinner. Beforehand, Isaac, Tyller and I were talking about questions we could ask people while we ate. One that Isaac came up with was this: how do the holidays effect your walk with God? Does it take you closer to Him or does the busyness of the holidays distract you? Though we ran out of time and thus never got to that question, it made me evaluate myself. I have been distracted this month. Especially since school ended and I've been working full time.

Not that I haven't been growing or learning over the last month. It's been hard, possibly the hardest this year. Seems like I've been learning some of the basics over again. Funny how we never grow out of those. Basic trust that God will work things out with my job, that He will provide for me, that He will give me wisdom for decisions about my future, that He has the power to change my heart, and that He will never stop loving me. The power that saved me, that placed me in God's strong hands is the same power that keeps me from falling out of those strong hands.

happy birthday to me

Today is my 21st birthday! I'm very excited for no good reason that I can think of. I haven't done anything that only those real adults over 21 can do. I did get tricked by a bottle of cream soda disguised as beer that my little sister Joanie gave me. (Yes, I'm gullible sometimes.) I was also sang to by all the housechurch leaders today. Very nice.

inseparable

Check out Acts 9:1-5

I was reading Acts again recently and I noticed something in this passage. So Saul's persecuting the church and Jesus appears to him and asks, "Saul, why are you persecuting Me?" I was thinking about that. Saul wasn't persecuting Jesus, He was persecuting the church, right? Wait, if the body of Christ is the church, then to persecute the church is to persecute Jesus. It would be ridiculous to beat someone up, leave their head untouched and say that you didn't beat them you beat their body. I used to be like that. I separated in my mind Jesus from His body the church. I used to be hurt and bitter towards the church. Recently God showed me that I had to let go of the last scraps of bitterness I held onto against segments of the church. He showed me that I was hurting Jesus with my attitudes towards His beloved bride the church. Jesus keep teaching me to love Your bride like You do and see her with Your eyes.

days and nights

"Then God said, "let there be light"; and there was light. God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from the darkness. God called the light day, and the darkness He called night. And there was evening and there was morning, one day." ~ Genesis 1:3-5

I didn't have the greatest day yesterday. Nothing really happened, I just had this bad attitude I couldn't seem to shake. Yea, maybe something is kinda bothering me, but it's not the type of thing that should be a whole day-ruiner. I think my own attitude and inability to make it go away bothered me the most. I went to sleep in a bad mood. This morning, however, I woke up in a great mood and I had a nice dream last night about hanging out with some of my friends.

(Thanks guys we had a nice time. ;)

Anyway I was thinking, God was very wise when He separated days from nights. Think about it, what would life be like if we couldn't go to sleep at the end of a bad day. Bad days would just go on and on and on and on......

God knew how weak we would be sometimes. He gave us days so that we could start over in the morning. I think that's possibly my favorite part of how God designed the world. Colors were also a very good idea, so was snow, and the ability to see in 3-D......

"The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness." ~ Lamentations 3:22,23

i survived

Ok, so after two almost-all-nighters in a row I got two presentations, two papers, and a test done. I must say that energy drinks, especially Red Bull, deserve some of the credit. I couldn't have stayed up so many hours with a functioning brain without them. Also Ben's mom Tammy helped me on a statistics project for like seven hours. She is a superhero. Well I need to go sleep my brain's not working too well anymore....

has panic set in yet?....yes.

It's that time of year, end of semester finals! Rather than having finals, I have big projects in two of my classes this semester. I've been working on them thinking, like all sensible end-of-semester projects that they would be due on the last day or something logical like that. No, no. Today I happened to take a closer look at both my syllabus' and realized that no, they're both due this week, not next week. One tomorrow (or I guess later today) and one the day after that. I am not going to get much sleep these next two days. :(

my poor socks

Okay, I am single. I do my own laundry; no one else ever does it for me. I don't do anyone else's laundry. Hey, I even live in the laundry room at my house. I have but a step to go and I'm there at the washing machine with my laundry. Yet somehow I still manage to lose my socks in the wash! How in the world am I doing this!? I'm frustrated.

Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving my family kept with tradition and went to Glenwood Springs. We ate at the Hotel Colorado. I had salmon, very good; the food's always great there. We also went to see two movies in one day, something I've never done before. It was because my generous Aunt and Uncle paid for everyone (their family of four and my family of six, yikes). We saw The Incredibles and National Tresure, both cool. We swam in the hot springs as well. And my sister Jacque and I want for a lovely four mile walk to the mall and back. It was a pretty good two days. For a short post that was a lot of links. Does it make you jealous?

Back from Mexico

Well the internet in my hotel has been out of order since the last time I posted. I never got a chance to hit an internet cafe as we were pretty busy the whole trip.

This has got to be my new favorite city. It's so diverse, it has everyone form millionaires to those living out of cardboard shacks to those on the streets, many languages are spoken there, parts are so like the U.S. and other places are vastly different, it's international, and it's HUGE. Something about being there excites me more than any other place I've been, even more than China. It feels like anything could happen at any moment. Like being at the canter of something big. ; )

Our trip centered mainly around reconnecting with a lot of the people from Pueblo Del Fey, the church Mike and Judy planted down there. We did a lot of stuff with them, especially the Prats. The Prats are this great family with four kids: Michelle, Chris, Stephanie, and Jennifer. We probably hung out with Michelle and Chris the most since they are the oldest. We did a lot with them, we went to the pyramids and climbed them, to the ballet, rode horses, went on a boat through these canals in part of the city, went to the two nicest restaurants I've ever been to, went to the mall, and visited their grandparents. It was a lot of fun.

We also met Ivan, one of the guys who is involved with the 24/7 prayer movement in Mexico. He told us a lot of what his church was doing in the community and how 24/7 had impacted his life and that of the church. He also talked of how badly the church in Mexico struggles with unity. We also went to the ruins of an Aztec temple in the center of Mexico City and the we want to the Cathedral that had been built over part of those ruins. It really struck me how spiritually dark both those places were.

Overall the biggest things I came away with are how I need to pray for Mexico. I need to pray for God to help the church unite there so that they can be more effective in shining as a light in a place that still has a lot of darkness. I saw that in the temple/cathedral. I've been to one cathedral before, in New York, it felt different. I'm not sure how to explain it. Less oppressive I think. The cathedral in Mexico City felt oppressive and dark. I need to pray that God would bring light there through His united church.

The last thing I think about Mexico City is that I've got to go back. : )

i'm here

The second flight workd out and I am now posting from my hotel in El Ciudad De México. I need to apologize in advance for any bad spelling, I'm not very good and the spell check in in español so I can't use it.

I'm super excited, it's been awhile since I've really been outside of the U.S. The city is familiar in a way because I've been in Latinamerican cities before and at the same time very new. I've never been anyplace this huge. I've got to go though, my time with the net is about up. I'll try to post more later.

Mexico City

So our flight which would have left tonight at around six was canceled. It was rescheduled for tomorrow at the same time. At least we still get to fly into Mexico City at night. That's the best time, at night when darkness covers all hints of dirt and any flaw. A city looks like a beautiful field of peaceful fallen stars from the air at night. The next morning reality hits you see the dirt and the poverty. Mexico City has more street children than any other. God let me see through Your eyes. Give me Your compassion. Let my heart break with Yours over what I see.

it's dying

The little cd player in my car is dying. It has many problems. The wire that connects it to the cigarette lighter in my car comes unplugged very easily, like when I go over a bump. This cuts off the power to my cd player and it shuts off. The anti-shock button makes it go into repeat-one-song mode, so does the rewind button. It also randomly decides to just go back to the beginning of the cd and start over, after doing this about three times it will quit altogether for about an hour. Sometimes it works perfectly. It's very moody. All this frustrates me when I'm driving, I frequently give up and just sing to myself. How I wish I had an ipod, but alas, I am a poor girl and I might have to buy another car in the next year (mine's taking a quart of oil a week these days, :s not good.) I'm praying this car will last awhile longer, but ipod will have to wait while I save for another car. Arrrg, I'm getting tired of cds though.

BTW, I'm leaving for Mexico City tomorrow. I'll be going with Isaac, Marie, Ben, and Isaac's parents Mike and Judy. I'm excited. I'll try to post more tomorrow, if not I'll do it when I get back on the 23rd.

early church life

Acts 2:42-47 & 4:32-25

I've been reading Acts for this class I'm talking. It's been really cool. One thing I'm seeing and feeling convicted about is how the early church lived. There were no followers of Jesus outside the church. To follow Jesus was to become part of His Bride. The two were inseparable. I'm amazed every time I read Acts at how 100% the disciples are. They rarely call themselves believers, I guess the word was to passive for them. When they decided to follow Jesus they gave everything - literally. People sold their property to meet the needs of others. They opened their homes constantly and thus did away with privacy. They met together every day, giving up their free time. They were devoted to prayer and the apostles' teaching, which would have convicted them of any little sin in their hearts. They also gave up their independence. They even allowed themselves to be under the authority of the apostles. They had a vision for Jesus which meant a vision for His church. The church was not an organization or social club to them, no it was a whole new lifestyle. The church took over every individual's life. They really gave it all to Jesus.

I feel convicted when I read these passages. How much have I given up for the church? How much have I really joyfully surrendered to Jesus? In comparison to these people nothing. I haven't even begun. I've never sold anything to provide for another's need. I don't get together with people to worship God every day. Haven't opened my home (or in my case little room). How much independence have I let go of? No I'm a little slacker and compared to them I've not really sacrificed for the church much yet. It hasn't completely taken over my life.

Jesus, I want You to really have everything. Please lead me into a deeper level of commitment to You and a greater willingness to give You absolutely everything. Teach me to live my life like these people in Acts. Not just me teach the whole body of Christ worldwide to live like this again. Shake us out of our mediocrity. Give us this sweet dream and teach us to run with it....

in and not of?

John 3:17 John 13:35 John 18:36 James 4:4 1 John 2:15

I’ve been thinking about this verse since the last time I posted. In the world but not of it. What does that mean? I think Christians get this switched backwards a lot. Often we are of the world but not in it.

What do I mean of the world but not in it? I mean we are legalistic. We’re anti-culture. (I don’t know if this is a problem with Christians in Europe but I see it here in the U.S. way too much.) We are against Hollywood, homosexuals, secular music, dance, and the list goes on. It’s quite long in some circles. American Christianity seems to have its own culture that’s even been recognized by the secular media. We are not in the world. Yet strangely I’ve noticed we are often of the world. Just like everyone else we’re cliquish, closed and unloving to anyone who’s different. Just like everyone else we force our standards on others and get offended when they refuse to conform. Even unbelievers face our judgement. We shun the ones Jesus made a point of hanging out with. We behave as if we were of the world.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I believe there’s a place for standards. There is definitely a place to stand up and say that something is wrong. I also am aware that everyone has their set of weaknesses and there are things in this world that trigger those weaknesses. There are things about pop-culture that are wrong, vulgar, or cause a person to stumble into sin. Of course these should be avoided. I don’t think we should choose to always watch and listen to and do what the world does. I also don’t think we should shun it just because it was the creation of someone who is not a follower of Jesus.

So what do I think it means to be in the world but not of it? I think it means knowing the issues that turn their hearts. Embracing culture and art while listening carefully to God and being open to any changes or standards He might set. Simultaneously refusing to compromise purity and refusing to hide away from the world. How can we reach people if we’re hiding? We need to be in the world yet not of it. How will they know we’re not of this world? Our love. (John 13:35) People who are readily accepting of those who are not a part of their group. They are loving towards those with different ideas. The kind who are not afraid and won’t be shaken from the standards God has given, yet never condemn those who don’t follow the same standard. There is a fragrance of a love from another dimension. Something that could only come from God. This is how they will see that we’re not just a group with different ideas which at its heart is essentially the same as them, but a group deeply changed at the heart.

tears

"You have taken account of my wanderings;
Put my tears in Your bottle.
Are they not in Your book?"
~Psalm 56:8

This is one of my favorite verses in the Bible. It humbles and touches me how incredibly interested the God of the univers is in me. He's not just interested in what happens in my life, or "wanderings," but His is also interested in how I feel. It's important to Him. Not just when it makes sense. This verse gives no qualifications for my tears being important to God. I could be crying about nothing and He would still care. He doesn't just care if I cry, He cares what I cry about. Even if it's silly or doesn't make any sense, what makes me cry is important to Him. This verse means a lot to me because I used to be afraid to let myself or God see me cry. People used to laugh at me or get angry whenever I cryed so I thought that God would respond the way the people around me always had. God's taken me through a rather long process of being able to be touched by Him and yes even cry in His presence. This verse has helped me a lot as I've learned to let God bring me closer. It's really awesome to know how close God is.

church retreat

I just got back from Immanuel Fellowship's annual church retreat. Every year we go to Snow Mountain Ranch for a weekend. It's so much fun. We stay together in rooms that hold up to six people, eat all our meals together, swim, play kick ball, roller skate, hike, you get the idea. It's a good time to hang out and get to know everyone better.

This year all the times of teaching we had were focused on the Bride. (The room we rented for our gatherings had recently been used for a wedding and the decorations hadn't been taken down yet. How perfect is that?) A few things that stuck out to me were that we really need to identify ourselves with the Bride. Church is not a building, or even an organization, it's us. We can stand back and be disillusioned, criticize her, and be bitter, but we can't escape the fact that she is us and we are her. Also if she is the bride of Christ and Jesus gave Himself up for her then we need to learn to love her as He does. She is the body of Christ. I recently read an article from the book called The Relevant Church which stated that because the church is Christ's Bride and body we cannot really love Him unless we also love His church. However the church is not perfect. We are imperfect people thus the church is imperfect. God is working in His Son's Bride to purify her. We need to be doing the same; helping her rather than putting her down. We need to be helping her purify herself for Jesus. I need to pray for the whole church world wide to become more of what God made her to be, and ask God for more vision to see this.

Saturday night we always have a ministry time. You can come up front and pray, ask for prayer, and pray for others. I had to surrender my desire to have people's approval. That one will be a long time in the works. ; ) I had the privilege of praying for a few of my friends. I also got to translate for an English-speaking couple who were trying to pray for a guy who spoke Spanish. They were having a very hard time communicating with their limited knowledge of each other's languages. It was really cool to be able to help them out.

On the last day of the retreat we usually play a game of kick-ball. However this year it was cold, windy, and snowing on and off. So we played dodge-ball instead. I've got to admit that I like this a lot better. I like the chaos of it. I'm much better at it too. My team won (not because of me) by what seemed like a very little bit. And then it was over. *sigh* Well I'll be back next year, looking forward to it already....

kansas city

The trip to Kansas City was pretty good. A group of eleven of the housechurch leaders from Immanuel Fellowship drove from Summit, very long drive. I don't mind though I like driving with people, even if we don't talk much I can watch my friends sleep. I like the way people look when they sleep, so innocent and peaceful. Some people that's the only time they look innocent and peaceful. :P

All the speakers were very good as well imho. It was cool to hear the experienced church planters talk about the Bride of Christ, vision, the Kingdom of God, and set backs in ministry. I felt like God called me to plant churches (hopefully in other countries eventually) when I was seventeen. At the time I was really shy and didn't have much vision for the church anyway. I was wondering why on earth God chose me. One of the speakers also used to not have any vision for the church, he spoke powerfully on how you really can't love Christ without loving His bride.

I also got to eat lunch with Pete Greig (who wrote the book Red Moon Rising), his wife Sammie, and their very cute little boy Daniel. It was defiantly a high point of the trip to hear how things are going for 24-7 Prayer. They were also just fun to hang out with. Overall a really great trip, can't wait till next year.

earthshake

I just got back from earthshake, it was, once again very good. God's really been deepening my love for the church, His bride, in general so it was very encouraging to go hear other people with a vision for the church talk about it. A lot of them have been church planters for many years both in the U.S. and internationally. I really think this is what God has called me to do with my life: plant churches. However it's pretty late so I will have to post more later.

dating, or not

Today I was talking to a younger friend about dating. Or not dating I guess. (Don't worry I don't think dating is a sin or anything.) I just feel like God doesn't want me to date or be in any kind of a romantic relationship until He tells me who and when.

I made the commitment not to date at 14 and so I've never had a boyfriend. Some people have said that this will leave me unsure of how to relate to guys and unsure of what I want in a husband. Actually, at 20 I think it's done the opposite.

Not dating has kept the pressure off my friendships allowing more depth and trust with both guys and girls. Being able to just be friends with guys worry free has allowed me to see more of who they really are. This would include annoying boy stuff that you (hopefully) would never see on a date. (I guess to be fair I must say that they've seen me be annoying too!) It's allowed me to learn how to deal with the way God designed us to think differently without the added emotion of a romantic relationship. I've been able to ask my closer guy friends questions about how guys think, and if it annoys them when girls do this, and if they generally care about stuff like that. It's good to be able to know if something I said hurt them, or if they honestly didn't really think about it.

My guy friends have done an awesome job being gentlemen. They've taught me to expect a certain level of respect. I've also seen in all of them godly character qualities that I admire. I hope I've done as good a job of being a lady, respecting them, and showing godly character.

So anyway, though there is no one catching my attention as so many people ask me these days now that I'm 20, I don't think I'll be as unprepared as some thought. For now, my heart's only for God.

two weeks

It's been two weeks since my last post. Sorry about that, it's just nearly impossible for me to get on the internet right now. I post every time I'm online. :s

A lot has happened in two weeks. David, a friend from housechurch moved to Florida about a week ago. God really gave him peace about moving back in with his family. I'll miss him though, David is a gentleman and a really great friend. I'll be praying for him as he gets used to his new life in Florida. There's a picture of him on Isaac's blog.

Just before David left for Florida Isaac left for Bei Jing, China. We haven't heard much. That's understandable, I've also been to Bei Jing and found it nearly impossible to a) find the time to attempt communication, and b) actually get any phone card to work from Asia. The internet is the easiest way to tell the people at home that I'm still alive but the lines have been long in my experience. Anyway he's coming back tonight, his plane has already landed I think. I can't wait to hear about the trip.

I should have a good chance to hear about his trip on the way to Kansas City later this week. All the housechurch leaders are going to earthshake, a conference for church leaders. This year they will focus on the New Testament church and Acts. It's an eight hour drive, hopefully I'll get to hear all about Isaac's time in China during the ride.

I'm kinda excited that the conference will be about the early church. This week Immanuel Fellowship started a class studying the book of Acts. I'm really excited about the class because God's been speaking to me a lot about church lately in the prayer room. He's been powerfully deepening my vision for and understanding of His bride over the summer, especially since the beginning of the prayer room. I can't wait to see what God has to speak to me as I study the church's beginning in Acts. Anyway, that was the last two weeks. Sorry I'll try to get to the net more.

chasing the sunrise?

Why have I named my blog "chasing the sunrise?" It's kinda off of a picture I've always had of what it's like to be a Christian.

Once I was in darkness, and all the light was fake and temporary. Then one day I saw the sunrise and knew there was more to life than me. Irresistibaly drawn I began to chase the sunrise. The beautiful thing about chasing the sunrise is that it comes towards me faster than I can run after it. And so though on my way I may have to run down into a valley or two and my path may take me into the shadow of a hill, we are always coming closer and closer to one another. My hope of seeing the full beauity of day cannot fail.

love

Can love go on?
When such a history haunts me?
My mind's been trained
The wounds still hurt

Can love remain?
You hurt me afresh
Stretched beyond my ability
Weary and weak, nothing left

Can love endure?
The battles you make me fight
How lonely I feel with you
The weight of secrets I hide

Can love last?
We both strain for the feeling
You don't give me what I need
Can I be what you need?

I've run out of my own
Long ago I was no longer able
wishing I could, knowing I can't
How long do I fight this trap?

God, You are the only pure source
The fountain that will not run dry
Take my weak love away
Give me what only You can give

With Your love I can give
No rewards for my labor
I can go on despite the past
I will endure through all

Your love will remain, keep it in me
I've got to learn to give this away
Got to learn the steady love
Teach me in this sharp land of pain

more classes

I started a couple more classes this week: Spanish and French. I think these are my favorite classes this semester. They will also be the most challenging and have the most homework. I guess learning a language requires more work.

keep me...

"For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it. And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." ~ Romans 8:24-28

"Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen." ~ Jude 1:24,25

What do I hope to see God do? I have a pretty long list of things I'd like to see happen in my life and the lives around me. It's easy for me to get discouraged when I see nothing happen, or worse, when I see the opposite happen.

In Spanish the word for hope is espirar. It means two things: to hope and to wait. It makes sense in that verse, "...for who hopes for what he already sees?" Sometimes though you come to a point of realization though. You realize that you've been trying to hard to be a hero and that what you are waiting for may never come. I have recently come to one of those points, it's not fun. I've been holding onto some hopes for too long and trying too hard. I think there's a point when you need to just let go of it because it's become a chain. Does that mean you stop hoping? I'm not sure, but I don't think so. Maybe you just put it aside, admit you tried and failed, and let the situation be what it's been. Keep peace as much as possible, but don't break your neck trying to change something that won't be changed. Just let it go to God, if He decides to change it fine, if not then it must be for the better somehow anyway.

And God does work all things for our good if we allow it. Even with all the messy human freewill and one's choices hurting another. Even in terrible injustice God's hand is not too weak, His creativity not so limited that He cannot find or create a way to make any situation work out for good. Sometimes looking back at my rather short life of twenty years I am awed by how God used situations that at the time seemed like they would be forever and hopelessly crippling to my walk with God. Amazingly they weren't. Hard yes, I wouldn't repeat them, but because of the value they've had in causing me to grow closer to God I would not trade them for anything. I've been called and God has a purpose in calling me. How could I ever think He wouldn't come in power to cause even dashed hopes to bring me closer to Him and train me to better carry our His purposes for me? Somehow I manage it. However He's teaching me trust. If a year ago I had gone through what I'm going through now I would've freaked out. A lot of people are also praying for me right now, which is probably a pivotal part of my not totally freaking right now. Maybe I'm learning to let go of the control and just trust that if God wants to make my dashed hopes reality He will, in His time. Till then all my best efforts are useless.

Sometimes when something hard happens in my life, or when I see a fear coming up on the horizon, I get worried that I won't be able to handle it. That is also one my biggest fears when I see a friend going through a hard time: that they will stumble and fall under the pressure. However, God's been showing me largely through my time in the prayer room, that it's not me that keeps my feet on the path. God is the one who keeps me. I've committed myself to Him. He shook heaven and earth to provide a way for me to be saved through His only Son. Will He easily let me fall once He's won my heart and I've begun to follow Him? That's ridiculous, of course not. He will keep me from falling. He will keep my friends who've committed themselves to Him from falling. He will make us "stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy." God is showing me that through the ups and downs I face in my relationship with Him, during the good and the bad times, He is in control and is working to accomplish His purposes in and through me. He will not let me fall far.

Sorry about the super long post. I just needed to sort through some of the things God has been teaching me lately. Now if only I could keep these lessons learned.....

peace

"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful." ~ Colossians 3:15

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 4:6,7

Peace, it's a hard won state of being. Seems kinda rare; even among Christians. What's stopping us? I don't know, I can never fugure out what stops me from living in that kind of peace. I think I have figured out that it's not me that does it, it's the "peace of Christ." I've been learning that it's all Jesus who puts His peace inside of me. If I try to do it I just get uptight. I'm also seeing the meaning of peace that surpasses all comprehension in a new way. I never understood it before the past two days. I've seen it now and I still don't understand it.

It's peace in the middle of the raging storm,
peace so deep that it's strong and unshakeable,
peace that completely contradicts the circumstances,
peace so calm you could curl up and fall asleep in it no matter what,
peace that allows you to stand and fight any battle fearlessly,
peace which lets you run with endurance beyond yourself,
peace so easy to keep because it keeps you,
peace with only One possible source.....

leaders' retreat

I got back from a retreat Tuesday (yes I know I'm behind, but access to a computer is quite limited these days) that Immanuel Fellowship had for the housechurch leaders.

The first night, Sunday, was kind of hard for me. I didn't feel like I belonged there, almost everyone else was older, more mature, had walked with God longer, and are just generally more experienced at leading. However as I watched everyone worship, God told me that really all of us feel that way. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. If we don't let it cripple us, then remembering how unfit we are for the job keeps us dependent on God. Actually, it's a lot better than thinking you know it all, doing it without God's help, and then screwing it up really badly. So I feel inadequate, I am, but God has called me to help lead this housechurch so I guess He must have a way to use me.

Monday we talked about vision. The way Mike illustrated it was as a pyramid. On the bottom level is Biblical Discipleship, basically living the life that Jesus lived and talked about. Next is Biblical Church Life, this is where everyone who is learning to live like Jesus learns among other things, to forgive, serve, and love each other like Jesus. The third and final level is Effective Ministry. As one level grows so do all the others, and each provides a foundation for the next. We talked about this last fall but somehow this time lights went on in my head, whereas before it didn't mean much for some reason. We also talked about effective follow-up of visitors, caring for the people in our housechurch, and discipling them. There are a lot of areas I need to work on to become a better housechurch leader.

Monday night God spoke something entirely off the subject of the retreat to me. It's really good that He does that sometimes. I've struggled a lot with jealousy toward some people who are very close to me. The last thing I wanted was for my jealousy to hurt them in any way. So in an attempt to protect them I've started trying to pull back whenever I feel it. (Or maybe I'm not that noble, maybe I just didn't want to feel bad so I back away.) Well God showed me that what I'm doing is not good. I need to pray for a heart that can be genuinely thankful that others have what they have. The only way for me to get it is to pray, I'm not that sweet on my own.

The retreat ended Tuesday. Over all it was a huge blessing and a good time to rest. The place we stayed was beautiful. God was really speaking to me but if I wrote it all here this post would be monster sized. It's already long, so I guess I've said enough.

quirks

Like any older car, mine has a few quirks. It leaks through the floor and every window - including the sunroof. The leaking sunroof was a real pain until my dad fixed it, it dripped right on me whenever it rained. It shakes between 65 and 70 mph. On top of this it leaks break fluid; I've become very proficient at changing the break fluid. Monday I discovered a new quirk: the speedometer doesn't work. However this quirk is kinda fun, I look down at the speedometer and it reads 115. However the shaking tells me I'm only doing, like, 70. When I first discovered this I burred the speedometer at 132, just to say I've done it. ; )

matthew 22:35-40

One of them, a lawyer, asked Him a question, testing Him, "Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?" And He said to him, "'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets."

Last night in housechurch we talked about what it would really look like if someone gave their lives to living these two commandments. I think, though no Christian would dare admit this, that we kinda consider these commandment optional. If we didn't consider them optional the world would be a radically different place. You would never hear of Christians being judgmental, self-righteous, hypocrites if we did. I say we because I'm as guilty as anyone. I've read this passage a lot, memorized it, even sang it, and I've thought I wanted to live it. But do I really? Do I really think it is all that important? Have I ever sat down with God and evaluated my life in an attempt to see if I live it? Looked at how I spend my money, approach friendships, and dream of the future? No.

God I need You to change my heart, tie these two commandments to it. I forget them so easily. Please teach me to really live like this....

continuing the prayer room

The forty days of prayer officially end on Tuesday. However, a lot of people in the church are saying they don't want it to end. Tonight it was decided that we will keep praying 24/7 through the month of September! God's done so much so far, I can't wait to see what more He will do with another 30.

reconciliation

One thing I was hoping would happen in the prayer room was reconciliation. It's happened, but not like I thought it would. There was one person I was not expecting nor desiring to learn to like; I've prayed with them a couple of times and God's changed my heart. Another who I wronged told me I was forgiven tonight. It feels very freeing to have these walls torn down.

when i grow up

The fall semester started this week, today is the last of three days of classes. I'm not taking many classes though, just a math and a science. I'll add a Spanish and a French, but I'm taking those with a different school so they start later.

Last summer and winter I was pretty sure I wanted to be a nurse and have been taking prerequisites for it. However over the last couple of semesters I've grown less and less sure. I do know that I don't just want to take the minimum amount of classes required to get into nursing school. I at least want to get my associate of science. It would give me more time to pray about my future; it would also allow for more options if I decided not to be a nurse.

What would I really like to be when I grow up? Hmm.... Actually the thought of not being in school learning something doesn't really appeal to me. If I could just find a job that makes me constantly learn new stuff then I would be very happy.

breaking bread

The housechurch spent some time praying for each other in the prayer room tonight. It was a good prayer time; we just did a spontaneous one on one thing. Afterwards I had the rather hard job of leading a discussion on the Lord's supper. It's something I've been wanting to do for a few months, ever since God suddenly gave me a deeper understanding of what it means. I've really been wanting to communicate what God showed me because I want other people to see how cool it is and enjoy it as much as I do. However I did not realize that it would be as hard as it turned out to be when I took the job/honor. I think it went okay though.

This is My Body....

This rite I've performed all my life
Once seeped in foreboding tradition
And clueless to any real meaning
Yet this is more than mere custom

The bread comes always first
"This is My body broken for you."
I take and pause before eating
What is this I do?

I eat this bread as a promise
It is my promise to share
The cross' suffering and death
I'm too weak, bound to fall always

Fearful, I've vowed too far
Now comes to me the cup
"This is my blood spilled for you."
What does this signify for me?

Though I fail, Jesus' blood never will
My promise I cannot hope to keep
Yet His promise will ever stand
This blood blots out every failure

Much more than empty tradition
This simple act defies religion
The flesh and blood of a living faith
Our declaration of His redeeming death

personal care provider

Over the last few weeks my new job as a personal care provider has gone well. I really like my patient and she likes me. However it's kind of stressful at times. One day I'll have so much to do that I go way past the time when I'm supposed to get out. Random things often come up which cause everyday tasks which I can do in five minutes to take me twenty. Way too much to do and not nearly enough time. Other days I get everything done very quickly and am bored out of my mind and racking my brain to find a productive use of the time I'm being paid to work at her house. I don't want to waste paid time doing unimportant things - or worse, nothing. Most of the time I can't leave early because there's that one thing I'm still waiting on, like the laundry in the dryer. Yet none of this tries my patience much, I try to see it as just part of the job.

By far the thing that gets to me the most is the Wal-Mart pharmacy. In my experience, the average wait is an hour. Big chunk of wasted time if there is not much shopping to do and very frustrating. A lesson in patience hopefully. (I'm still a little sore about missing most of my sister's birthday Friday.)

Basically my job is to take four hours a day, five days a week and make sure my patient's life runs smoothly 24/7 to the best of my power. It's a big responsibility, but very rewarding. It's teaching me patience, organization, responsibility, problem solving, and servanthood more than most other jobs could. Also my patient's a sweet woman, and her sincere thanks at the end of every day is always good to hear. She let's me know I'm doing a good job and really helping her. Overall I'd say this is the best job I've ever had.

baptisms

Today after church six of my friends were baptized in a river. I felt a little bad for them because the water was very cold. After the initial gasp of shock at the coldness of the water they were all smiling. I guess being baptized is definitely worth it. I was baptized when I was fifteen during a mission trip to Peru. Though I had prayed a prayer when I was five, I had really just decided to follow Jesus two months before the trip. It was on the fourth of July in a little lake in a zoo fed by the Amazon's water (yes it did contain piranhas, but it's relatively safe in the shallows). Kind of a unique setting for a baptism. I remember it meant a lot to me. A really hard time the previous year had caused me to rethink my relationship with God and realize that at best I only maybe had fire insurance. I knew I needed more; I needed friendship, freedom from sin, and something to live for. For me it was a break from the darkness of all that I had discovered myself to be and a promise to give my life completely to God. A declaration that my life was His forever. It felt so awesome, more than worth it in any water temperature. ; )

Julie's birthday

Today is my little sister's seventh birthday. For me it was a complicated day. I went to work, planned housechurch, and registered for college classes. Then due to complications with my job as a personal care provider I had to go back to work at 5:00 because the pharmacy had not had my patient's prescriptions earlier in the day. Arriving at Wal-Mart at about 5:20 I was in for a two and a half hour wait. It was very frustrating, I learned to play some games on my new cell phone, bummed around the store boredly shopping with no intention to buy anything, returning ever thirty minutes or so to see if they were done yet. I admit I got angry with them, two and a half hours is a lot of time for frustration to build. On top of that my little sister lives almost an hour away from me. I did not get home until 9:00, but I think in the end I was much more upset about it than Julie was. She was so adorable when she was opening her presents. My mom has to take a picture of each one and Julie's anything but camera shy. She comes up with the cutest poses. She liked all the presents I got her at Wal-Mart. So I guess some good did come of all the time I spent there today. :S

back to night shifts

Sorry I haven't posted much lately, my access to a computer has been sketchy since I moved. I'm last in line at my new house. Anyway, my times in the prayer room have been really good. God's been speaking to me a lot, and answering questions that have taunted me for awhile. He's been doing a lot in my heart and at the same time I'm seeing how very, very far I've yet to go. It's simultaneously really awesome and a little discouraging. The last two weeks have been exciting like that. I'm over being sick so I've started taking the late night and the early morning shifts again. I think maybe I do like the night shifts a little better. Maybe because I feel like I'm sacrificing more, or because it seems less conventional. Well actually it's probably because at those times I've got less on my mind because the day's over. That's all for now, I'll try to get to the computer more often this week. I'm not making any promises though. ; )

week one

The prayer room started Friday.  I did post about it but something went wrong and my entire blog freaked out.  So I had to delete that post.  : (
 
Anyway the prayer room's first week has gone very well.  The problem is not finding enough people to fill a day with prayer, the problem is getting alone.  I've spent twelve hours there and only had the room all to myself for two of them!  But I like sharing it, I couldn't ask for a better "problem."  People are really feeling God's presence there and are almost irresistibly drawn back.  Last night someone from a housechurch I go to on Thusdays became a Christian after talking with someone in the prayer room!  And we're just starting! 

The best times are late at night or early in the morning.  From what I've heard that's when you can find the most people over there praying.  Unfortunately I've been sick with laryngitis this week and haven't been able to go at night.  I get tired way too fast.  Strange when I was a kid I always thought it would be cool to have laryngitis, because I was shy and it would give me an excuse not to talk to people.  I'm not really that shy anymore and I've decided it's definitely not as great as I thought it would be.  On the up side my boss decided I looked pretty bad yesterday and gave me today off.  I've also had some good times in the prayer room during my afternoon shifts.  God's really been speaking to me there.  So night shifts aren't the only good ones.  ; )   

anticipation

A group started transforming the church office into a prayer room tonight.  While we were praying about the room I was thinking of the shifts I signed up for.  I can't wait.  The cool thing is that while I was feeling this I got this sense that neither can God, He's looking forward to this way more than I am.  He's not just looking forward to my prayer slots, but every single person's.  It amazes me how God can love us so much as individuals, how intimately He knows each person, almost as if each one was the only one.  At the same time He's able to build unity into groups, teach people lessons together, cause people to grow as a group, and work through a time of corporate prayer like the 40 days coming up.  It kinda blows my mind how He does it all; He's too awesome for me to ever understand.

learning to worship

When I was fourteen I was on the worship team at a church I used to go to.  At the time I was very prideful, every week someone would give me a complement on how beautiful my voice was or how pretty I looked on stage.  That was why I sang: to get complements for myself, not to bring God glory.  Really I was attempting to take glory from God for myself.  About a year and a half latter I got more serious about my relationship with God and quit singing on the worship team.  How could I?  I hadn't been doing it for God. 
 
Five years latter I still feel it even though I've repented: the guilt that my pride left me.  It's really hard for me to worship in a group sometimes.  I'm afraid people are going to hear me sing.  My best worship times tend to be at delirious? concerts where no one can hear my voice.  I guess it's a little funny, most people are afraid to sing in a group because they feel they have a bad voice not because they have a good one.  I still sing on the worship team occasionally when the chuch I'm now a part of asks me to, but not without a lot of prayer.  There are always complements to my voice which make me really uncomfortable.  I guess I don't fully trust myself. 
 
Last night a group of us were worshiping and God started speaking to me.  He told me that He made my voice and I don't have to be ashamed of it.  If my heart is in the right place a complement to my voice can actually give glory to the One who designed it.  And He likes my voice, He likes to hear me sing, and He likes to hear me sing well.  I know it's not all about how I sound when I worship (make a joyful noise to the Lord), but if that noise can also be beautiful that's okay too.  It was really encouraging to hear that from God, I've been so worried about my voice being a distraction.  But He designed it to sound the way it does on purpose, and He likes it.  That excites me, God likes my voice.  Last night was the best time of worship I've had since the last time I was at a delirious? concert.

prayer room sign-up

Today people started signing up for prayer slots next week.  Our 40 days of 24-7 prayer begins Friday.  Many slots are still available, except from about 1:00 to 4:00 in the morning, those disappeared fast.  Friday seems so close; we still have a lot to do to make the room ready.  At the ame time I wish it had already started, every time I think about it I get so excited.  I know God is going to work in us, teach us to pray like never before, heal us, bring new people into the church, and teach us how to love Him more.  I can't help but smile whenever I think of it.  This is going to be amazing. 

tb test

Tuesday I took a tuberculosis test.  My job as a personal care provider requires me to take one once a year.  The test itself was kinda fun, for some odd reason getting stuck with needles is my favorite part of going to the doctor.  (Yes I know I'm weird.)  The nurse took a really short needle and stuck it under the skin on my arm, just below my wrist on the more tender side, and injected something just under my skin.  Because of the location it stung more than most shots.  I was not too worried about the test results until one of my friends told me that this test is for a disease where, if you have it, you cough up blood and lung and you're a carrier for life.  Not something I want, especially the part about being a carrier for life.  That would put a quick end to all my dreams of being a nurse or anything else in the medical field.  The realization that this one test could change the course of my life made the test somewhat less fun.  But I went in to get the results today and no tb dormant or otherwise.  Very good, my life goes on as planned.  For now.  ; ) 

adventure

I am reading a book called Red Moon Rising. I just finished a part about a man who regularly smuggled Bibles behind the Iron curtain. Part of his job description was expecting to spend at least two years in jail and training for the interrogation that would come with an arrest. He even had a hand written letter prepared and waiting with friends to be sent to his parents upon his arrest. It was the life he felt God wanted him to live. Dangerous? Of course. More fulfilling than the "career conveyor belt" his friends were busy on at home? No doubt.

I want that. A life of adventures for God with the chance to be arrested, to live in hiding, be shot at, starved, hated, and yes maybe even die. Even as I type this I wonder if I'm just being idealistic. Would I really be willing to go through that for God? To be honest I don't know. Typing is one thing; living is a completely different story. I only know I don't want to live a long, safe, comfortable life which I look back on wondering whether I really served God much at all. I want to live on the edge. I know I don't have to go anywhere to do it, though I would like to be a missionary. What's stopping me? If I can't do it here in Colorado, can I do it anywhere?

"If you have run with footman and they have tired you out,
Then how can you compete with horses?
If you fall down in a land of peace,
How will you do in the thicket of the Jordan?"
Jeremiah 12:5

God teach me to run with horses......

why?

Why?

Why?
The ear-splitting cry
Echoes back in my face
Is it always the same?

Why?
I've asked for myself
Now I ask for a friend
Their pain I can't understand

Why?
I cry my quiet tears
The histories of friends
Their scars too deep to tell

Why?
Did injustice win?
They were undeserving of this wrong!
Did none see?

Why?
This is the heart's cry
Of my abused generation
The pain we can't explain

Why?
Will our wounds never heal?
Ripped open over and over
Scars to deep to hide

Why?
My generation bleeds
We grow faint, is our cry heard?
Will no one dry our tears?

Why?
Do I ask the agonizing question?
Am I tormenting myself?
It remains unanswered

Why?
Am I seeking comfort here?
I depend on this answer
But it will never heal pain

Why?
We're looking away from Your face
The only answer to such cries
The only hand to dry the tears

Why?
We miss the healing touch
The hand that binds the wounds
Face that transforms scars to medals

Why?
In the face of such need
Will those who come freely
Leave others to die alone?

"Do they really matter all the why's? Could all the answers take away the pain, or all the reasons really dry my eyes, though from Heaven's court? No I would weep again. My God, You have saved me from Hell's black abyss; oh, save me from the tyranny of bitterness!" - Anonymous

alone

I had to lead the discussion in housechurch alone tonight. I've done this before but I've never done it without both Marie and Isaac to back me up. Since both of them are in Maryland right now I was more nervous than I usually am on a Saturday. It seemed to go okay but it's very hard for me to tell when I do it alone. A couple of my friends blessed and encouraged me afterwards by telling me that it was good. So one of the weekend's hurdles down, one to go. Tomorrow I'm one of only two people singing on the worship team because three people are gone. Normally I'm not even on the worship team so I'm a little nervous.

so sorry

I've had a rather hectic week. I'm all moved thanks to Isaac and David who came over and helped. I also got a new job as a personal care provider (basically I run errands, keep house, ect. for a woman who's health makes these things very hard for her) since I plan on going into nursing this will be a good experience. It will also give me some idea as to whether or not I'm really cut out for that kind of work. I'm still at my old job as well. In addition to this I've gotten behind on my web course and now have four tests to take. I also help lead a house church with Marie and Isaac, and I will be helping to set up the prayer room later. In saying all this I'm not complaining. I will have no chance to be bored for the next month or so, which is great.

packed

Okay, I've got myself packed and ready to move tomorrow. Turns out all my stuff fits in the back of my parents' suburban with a little room to spare. I guess that's good, the room I'm moving to is so small I couldn't park a suburban in it. It's not very pretty either at the moment; definitely in need of some feminine homemaking skills. Hopefully in about a month I'll have it looking more inviting. Envisioning the end result is starting to get me a little excited about moving...

new house, new job

I am moving next week. I am not really excited. It's not that I don't want to move, it would be nice if I were already moved. ;) I can be kinda weird that way sometimes, I will be looking forward to something, yet not really feel any excitement at all until I've actually begun doing it. I've prayed about it a lot though and I feel peace about it. I guess in a way that's better than excitement. I also got a new job as a personal care provider. Since I want to be a nurse it will be good experience, and show me if I'm really cut out for nursing. Well, I'm kinda busy with moving and now two jobs so I probably won't post too much for the next week.

new car

Okay, so it's an old subaru, but it's the best car in the world! My dad and I are working on fixing it, but I think we've broken about as much as we've fixed. My dad is an awesome mechanic as I've said. However we are both a bit clumsy. The first day we had this car in the garage we broke a windshield wiper. Then he broke the left fender, front bumper, and the horn while trying to fix the right fender. (You don't want to know.) So far all of these parts (except the horn) have been replaced from our friendly local junkyard. Today, we put the new front fenders on. While I was securing a bolt with an air wrench I somehow knocked out one of the headlights which crashed to the ground and broke far beyond repair. *Sigh* Back to the junkyard for a new one...

Aunt Jeanie

At about five feet she loved sports, and was involved in both track and basketball. From all I've read and been told about her, she was an incredibly sweet and giving person. Always a kind word. I was looking through the pictures of her last birthday today. She had a lot of friends so she must have really been all I've heard. Never in trouble. A girl scout and an excellent student. Committed to her youth group; she was there to help out when they needed her. She also volunteered at the hospital visiting people in an attempt to make their stay a little brighter. As the one who has inherited several of her books, I know what she was interested in. God's Smuggler, The Hiding Place, In My Father's House, and Know Your Bible Better are just some of the books she read. My Grandma says she was very missions-minded although at thirteen she hadn't yet decided what she wanted to do with her life. As far as I can tell at the time she had the highest interest in God of all her brothers and sisters.

I'm tempted to say that's where it ended. She died when she was thirteen. One day she was crossing the street on her way home from school, and a man strung out on drugs swerved his van and hit her on purpose. This happened in 1982, about a year before I was born. There yet remains a scar in my family. As with any relative who seemed to die before their time there is a sadness when those who knew her talk about it.

What brought this subject up today? My grandparents had a trunkfull of her things today and were dividing them up between her siblings and the nieces and nephews she never knew. I now have her diary which has all of five entries in it. When I was little she seemed so old, now reading those five entries penned by her between the ages of 11 and 13 she seems so young.

Even though I never knew her and thus only indirectly feel the pain of her death, I still have found myself asking God why. She loved Him and wrote that she wanted Him to have more of her, she was searching for Him in her Bible, and was interested in missions. What could she have become had she had the chance to grow up and become it? Whatever the answer to that gnawing "why" it wouldn't change a thing if any of us knew. Besides it would be selfish to wish her back. She's with the Jesus she loved and wanted to give more of herself to. Really if I were to wish her all the best there's no more I could wish for her than everything she now has.

Sorry about this long rambling post. ; )

do i love?

God has been convicting me about love lately. I can't get the question out of my head: do I love? Do I really love? Not the way 1 Corinthians 13 describes it. For awhile I've been doubting whether or not I love those who either don't love me or just don't show it well. In those cases it's easy to justify it by blaming the other person, at least for me it is. However, through a conversation I had with a friend this week God's been showing me just how selfish my "love" is. I love only those able to give me that warm "loved" feeling. To them I'm willing to give my time almost unconditionally. However with other people, who don't make me feel so valued, I am not nearly as willing to spend time with them unless they are doing something I enjoy. There are so many other examples of the selfishness with which I "love" that I am beginning to wonder if I truly love much at all. "...[love] does not seek its own,...." 1 Corinthians 13:5. I have got to grow up, and love as this passage describes. Really, when I think about it I'm being needy. I love only in order to receive? God can give me more than enough love to fill the need in my heart and give away to everyone regardless of what they do for me.

God change my heart. Teach me to depend on You for the love I need and not those around me. I know we are also made to depend on each other in the body of Christ, but I'm not sure how that works. Where is the balance between being too dependent and too independent in relation to my brothers and sisters in Christ? Show me please. Help me be secure enough in Your love to love others selflessly. Give me Your love for people because all mine is false.

longmont

I just arrived at my Aunt's house in Longmont today, I will be here for the rest of the week. I went with my eleven-year-old cousin Marie to a fashion show her church put on to show cool/modest styles. I decided to go with her at the last minute. So my Aunt Jan bought the ticket and dropped my cousin, two younger sisters Jacque and Joanie and I off. As I walked in I realized my ticket stated that this fashion show was being put on by the high-school youth group for the 7th - 9th grade girls! So being twenty I was slightly out of place. I look young for my age, but not that young. Oh well, the show was well done and I had my sisters to keep me from being the only person over thirteen in attendance. My Aunt also randomly gave me two new books today: Las Telarañas De Carlota and Un Corazón Como El De Dios. (Charlotte's Web and A Heart like God's.) It's really nice of her to think of me whenever she sees a book in Spanish.

father's day

I just celebrated Father's Day with my family. Since my mom and three younger sisters are going to visit my grandparents in Nebraska we decided to have it early this year. My two older little sisters and I bought our dad the movie Frequency and watched it with him. Our youngest sister, Julie who is six, made him a picture frame. It was very cute. I love my dad, but there are a few things that especially stand out to me.

- He genuinely wants to do what's right in God's eyes.

- He's always let us know he loves us and is not at all sorry that he has four girls and no boys. (Actually he doesn't have much patience for boys.)

- He is a dreamer, I always remember him looking ahead at the future hopefully even when we barely had enough money for food.

- Dad is level-headed and easily reasoned with, but not unfeeling.

- He likes to do stuff like go on hikes, long drives down endless roads, fish, bike, snowmobile...

- There is nothing he can't fix. One of my friends said he could build a snowmobile out of a toaster. (Difficult but probably true.)

I want to be like my dad in all these areas. Hopefully...
But the last one I may not quite reach. ;)

waiting for You

Tonight a group from Immanuel Fellowship got together to pray about prayer. That sounds a little funny, but it's because we are having forty days of around the clock prayer later this summer. So the prayer tonight is also a time of listening to God for ideas on how He would like us to do a time of 24/7 prayer. As with any conversation listening requires one to wait for the other to talk. God was showing me some of what it is to wait for Him to speak while we were praying. Waiting can be agonizing. However, if I really want to hear what God has to say I won't mind too much. Any amount of waiting would be worth it. I was struck by how much I don't listen. Is God not Holy? Why then do I wait only when I want something? Why don't I wait listening just because He's God? He's God who created the whole universe and died to have a relationship with me that would save me from an eternal death. Doesn't He deserve to be waited upon? Why do I act like He should cater to me by speaking during the few hurried moments that I'm willing to give? Do I even begin to see God for who He is? God help me give You more of the honor You deserve....

church

As usual the camping trip was awesome. We went to Turquoise Lake near Leadville which is in sight of the second and third highest peaks in Colorado. I hiked about half way around the lake. I was awed by the beauty of it, at 10,000 feet it felt like being on top of the world. Thursday night it snowed a little, which added to the beauty in my opinion; I’ve always wanted to camp in the snow.

Well we did all the things I mentioned in my last post and a little snow ball throwing. During our gatherings around the fire (it was a bit cold some of the time) we talked about how the church is a community and a little of what that looks like. It always blesses me to hear how the church is the body of Christ or the bride of Christ or a temple. I used to be very disillusioned with church, but that was when I thought of it as merely a building. It’s so much more beautiful when I think of it as a family, something you’re part of always. A lifestyle rather than a building, that is what I want.

the nearness of God

When my heart was embittered
And I was pierced within,
Then I was senseless and ignorant;
I was like a beast before You.
Nevertheless I am continually with You;
You have taken hold of my right hand.
With Your counsel You will guide me,
And afterward receive me to glory.

Whom have I in heaven but You?
And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart and
my portion forever.
For behold, those who are far from You
will perish:
You have destroyed all those who are
unfaithful to You.
But as for me the nearness of God is my
good;
I have made the Lord God my refuge,
That I may tell of all Your works.

Psalm 73:21-28



A woman shared this verse during worship this Sunday. I want the attitude of this psalmist, he has an incredible trust in God. I want to learn to trust God that relentlessly even when the whole world seems to be falling apart around me. I will at least get to practice the “nearness” part. This week my church is going on a camping trip. It’s always been a great time to hang out with God. Everyone also has a lot of fun being with each other, we have meals together, a water fight, and an orienteering race every year. My friend Isaac posted about it and he’s got some pictures of last year’s trip if you want to see them. Well anyway, I’m leaving tomorrow, so I won’t be posting for a few days.

Your love is endless

You are here
In every broken tear
Through all my angry shouts

You don’t abandon
When I am unfaithful
When I shy away from love

Your love is endless
It chases me relentlessly
Though I fight it
I cannot win
Your love will have me
In the end You know
Though I fight, it’s all I want

You know my secret pain
The tears I cry in darkness
Know my hopeless rebellion
My desperation, the lostness
Every dark hole in my heart
You know it all better than I

Your love doesn’t end
Though I never deserve
You are always faithful
My God I can’t understand You!
I think I’m a brat but You say no
Sure of how unworthy I am
Yet You love me as if
As if somehow I did deserve
Steadfast and passionate
Just like I’d earned it!
But You earned it for me
God You’re awesome!
And I’m running out of words....

oops

Okay, so I'm new this blogging thing. My last post I accidentally posted twice, and I can't remove it. Sorry about that. ; )

take up your cross

“And he who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for my sake will find it.” Matthew 10:38,39

Paul’s an awesome example of how to live like Jesus asked in this verse, we talked about him last night in housechurch. He endured a lot for Jesus, so many beatings he lost count, given the thirty-nine lashes we saw in The Passion five times, beaten with rods three times, stoned by a mob, shipwrecked three times, imprisoned too many times to remember, and the list in 2 Corinthians 11:23-33 goes on. He totally gave up his life. It looks like it was worth it though, at the end of his life he was confident that he had lived out God’s purpose for him on earth. I want to be that confident at the end of my live. God would You give me Paul’s attitude on suffering for You?

take up your cross

“And he who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for my sake will find it.” Matthew 10:38,39

Paul’s an awesome example of how to live like Jesus asked in this verse, we talked about him last night in housechurch. He endured a lot for Jesus, so many beatings he lost count, given the thirty-nine lashes we saw in The Passion five times, beaten with rods three times, stoned by a mob, shipwrecked three times, imprisoned too many times to remember, and the list in 2 Corinthians 11:23-33 goes on. He totally gave up his life. It looks like it was worth it though, at the end of his life he was confident that he had lived out God’s purpose for him on earth. I want to be that confident at the end of my live. God would You give me Paul’s attitude on suffering for You?

Why blog?

Well, here's my blog. Why do I have one? To be honest I haven't quite figured that one out yet. Is it because I believe I have something worthwhile to say? Or just a need to feel heard? Whether or not I actually am heard is another story. ;) Anyway it's late but there will be more later.