peacemakers

I have been told in the past that I am a peacemaker. The person meant it as a complement. I guess I should think of it that way.

Matthew 5:9, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God."

This sounds lovely, no? However, peacemaking is not all it's cracked up to be. Being a peacemaker means conflict. Either your own conflict or that of a friend's. It means being the only person who is willing to make the sacrifice necessary to fix the relationship. This makes you feel like you're the only one who cares, the only one initiating peace, the only one who wants peace, the only one giving love, the only one allowing everyone else to steal from you and walk on you - all for the sake of making peace. It means a lot of work. It means untangling everyone else's emotions and having your own disregarded. It also means being at fault. If the peacemaking efforts fail it's your fault because you were the one attempting to create peace. The other parties involved recognize this and seem to resent you for failing. Seems like peacemaking ends in failure more than any other outcome.

Not so lovely. It hurts. It sucks. Most of the time all your efforts are for nothing. I was recently frustrated to tears over the realization that I have to be the peacemaker in one of my relationships. I've waited months and the other person hasn't done a thing, it's like I don't exist. So I'm stuck being the peacemaker again. Great attitude I'm having about it too, I'm so tired I'm not sure I want to, but I kinda have to I guess. I called up a friend today almost in tears I was so frustrated at the prospect of being stuck here again. I never quite got around to expressing anything, but it was good just talking to someone I'm cool with. I wish I wasn't so bad at relationships to begin with.

"... they shall be called sons of God." Not surprising. My attitude however is unlikely to win me that title. God please change my heart...

nebraska vacation

So I left Colorado and am currently on vacation in Nebraska. Odd, I know, but my grandparents live here making this a free vacation. So far it's cost me half a tank of gas (I love my gas-hatting car).

I quit my job (horray!!) because it wasn't going to work with my college classes this summer. This next semester is my last at CMC. I already walked in my graduation. This is exciting as it was my first graduation since preschool. I'm glad I decided to participate; I almost didn't. One semester of CMC left then it's onward to Boulder and a major in linguistics.

Seems like life has been so fast-paced this last semester, it's taken me a week and a half just to unwind at my grandparents' house. I suddenly gained a social life and I don't think I've been giving myself enough introvert time, lol. But it's been a fun/interesting semester.

Anyway I'm having an AWESOME time hanging out with Jacque doing mostly nothing. Reading, journaling, running, painting, cooking, ah so nice. She also has great friends who like to make fun of homeschooling so I fit right in. For a little excitement we've been creating mischief catching spiders, seran-wrapping cars, forking yards, and more.