back to school

I started Biology today. After taking two semesters off I was a litte nervous stepping into a classroom full of people I don't know. But it was good we planted mutant plants for teh beginning of a project. It turned out I did know one person. A fellow future nurse from Nutrition class last fall. We stayed after and talked with teh teacher about nursing schools, disection, search and rescue, kadavers, autopsies, and other gruesom things. :s I must admit, being totally inexperienced, I'm much less excited about dead people than the future nurse/search and rescue person. (Forgot his name.) The thought of eventually having to disect (or otherwise mess with) a real once-living-now-dead person is not something I look forward to. Oh well, I'd better go, I've got a chapter to read by Thursday.

car shopping

Wednesday my dad saw it. Sitting by the fruit stand on his way home from work for $1,500. I went and bought it Thursday and Ben and I cleaned it up to a perfect shine Friday. An '88 Honda Accord. Gets good gas mileage. From Arizona and nearly rust free. (Rust is a big car problem in Colorado.) The former owners were a woman over 50 and her mother-in-law. It's never been driven hard or smoked in. The brownish-maroon interior is in perfect condition. Only 150,000 miles - pretty young for a Honda. Everything works, power windows, locks, and even the clock works. It's way faster than the Subaru was and it's a bit hard not to speed too much. Everything works! I drove it right away. Yea, it's days latter and I'm still really excited, but this car looks like it will be a lot more reliable than my last so hopefully I'll be posting about it less. ; )

inadequate

Gordon, a Salvation Army officer in London, wrote this on his blog a few weeks ago: "I figure 80% of the time in ministry you feel, pretty much inadequate. 20% of the time you are fooling no-one but yourself!"

I guess I've been getting really disillusioned with my act as a housechurch leader. I've been wondering and asking myself who I'm trying to fool. I guess no one as I've been seeing through my own act with painful clarity lately.

"I was with you in weakness and in fear and in much trembling, and my message and my preaching were not in persuasive words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, so that your faith would not rest on the wisdom of men, but on the power of God." ~ 1 Corinthians 2:3-5

Funny how I relate to Paul's feelings in this verse. I've got the weakness, fear, trembling, and the lack of persuasive words of wisdom; however, I also feel like I'm missing the power of God part. Maybe it's my own discouragement. Paul probably didn't feel great lightning bolts of God's power either in the middle of all that weakness. Yea, and I really wouldn't want anyone's faith to rest on my act or my wisdom either. It's hard enough for my own faith to survive it's bouts with that shaky territory. :p

psalm 37:23-26

"The steps of a man are established by the Lord,
And He delights in his way.
When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong,
Because the Lord is the One who holds his hand.
I have been young and now I am old,
Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken
Or his descendants begging bread.
All day long he is gracious and lends,
And his descendants are a blessing."

taizé

Last night Brother Roger, the founder of Taizé wasstabbedd and killed during worship. I was there a few months ago and it is a place that God is using to draw a lot of Europeans to Him. Isaac posted more about it than I did and he's got links to some news articles. Please be praying for Taizé and all the people who will be impacted by BrotheRoger's's death.

God please let it prove true what You said in John 12 about the seed that dies produces fruit. Help everyone at Taizé through thegriefeif and keep them from being turned from You in the least by this. Comfort the 2,500 teens wwitnessedsed his murder. Please speak clearly and be a strong presence with them all.....

mere christianity

I just finished reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. It's one of those few books that actually deserves a second read. One chapter towards the end really stood out to me.

In this chapter he speaks of counting the cost of Christianity. A lot of people come to Jesus wanting Him to fix a few flaws; those that they can see are obviously hurting them. C. S. Lewis says,

"Well, He will cure it alright: but He will not stop there. That may be all you asked; but if once you call Him in, He will give you the full treatment. That is why He warned people to 'count the cost' before becoming Christians. 'Make no mistake,' He says, 'if you let me, I will make you perfect. The moment you put yourself in My hands, that is what you are in for. Nothing less, or other, than that. You have free will, and if you choose, you can push me away. But if you do not push me away, understand that I am going to see this job through. Whatever suffering it may cost you in your earthly life, whatever inconceivable purification it may cost you after death, whatever it costs Me, I will never rest, nor let you rest, until you are literally perfect - until my Father can say without reservation that He is well pleased with you, as He said He was well pleased with Me. This I can do and will do. But I will not do anything less.' And yet - this is the other and equally important side of it - this Helper who will, in the on run, be satisfied with nothing less than absolute perfection, will also be delighted with the first feeble, stumbling effort you make tomorrow to so the simplest duty. As a great Christian writer (George MacDonald) pointed out, every father is pleased at the baby's first attempt to walk: no father would be satisfied with anything less than a firm, free, manly walk in a grown-up son. In the same way, he said, 'God is easy to please, but hard to satisfy.' The practical upshot is this. On the one hand, God's demand for perfection need not discourage you in the least in your present attempts to be good, or even in your present failures. Each time you fall He will pick you up again. And He knows perfectly well that your own efforts are never going to bring you anywhere near perfection. On the other hand, you must realize from the outset that the goal towards which He is beginning to guide you is absolute perfection; and no power in the whole universe, except you yourself, can prevent Him from taking you to that goal......Here is another way of putting the two sides of the truth. On the one hand we must never imagine that our own unaided efforts can be relied on to carry us even through the next twenty-four hours as 'decent' people. If He does not support us, not one of us is safe from some gross sin. On the other hand, no possible degree of holiness or heroism which has ever been recorded of the greatest saints is beyond what He is determined to produce in every one of us in the end. The job will not be completed in this life; but He means to get us as far as possible before death. That is why we must not be surprised if we are in for a rough time."

I found this really encouraging. I used to be so confident that I was actually somehow cut out for the job of housechurch leader and someday even in another culture. I used to think I'd be some kind of big missionary and (dare I say it) end up living a life comparable to my heroes, the early missionaries I loved to read about. Maybe I even went as far as thinking that such dreams set me in a special class of Christian. I'm shaking my head as I write this wondering what on earth I was thinking. I was so full of it.

Seems like I'm seeing all my faults in every area of my life - especially in the way I am a friend to others. I feel about as disqualified as they come. Actually, as Isaac and so many others leave things have changed so that I'm not leading anything. This is the first time in ten years. When I was about eleven my mom started working outside the home while we continued to homeschool and as the oldest I was in charge and in one way or another have steadily been so ever since. I wonder, how much of my identity is wrapped up in that 'leader' label?

Ah, but now I'm rambling and beginning to get a bit more personal than I would like. I guess it just encouraged me, that even though I'm feeling like a near-total failure and that I am all messed-up with nothing to offer, it's not my job to be perfect right now. I'm only 21 and God is taking me in that direction. It appears like I'm only going backwards, maybe in a lot of ways I am, but He has made perfecting my character His goal and so He will somehow use this time. Yes, and maybe He's already bringing the optimist in me back to life.

fallen

Last night a bunch of people in the church gathered in someone's home to listen to Billy Graham preach. No not Billy Graham the American evangelist who fills gigantic stadiums every time he preaches. This Billy is an Indian pastor who is in the process of building a training center in India for native missionaries. He has a lot of amazing stories about the persecution he and other Indian Christians have been through in order to preach the gospel. Being beaten, having human waste thrown on them, having Hindu priests threaten to sacrifice them in the temple (one man actually was), and living with a price on their heads are all things Billy has experienced. When he talks about them he's so excited and even joyful for the opportunity to suffer for Christ's sake.

I felt torn as I sat and listened. My family has been in and out of so many churches; the common theme was that usually people didn't take the time to notice that I was breathing their air. Even though Immanuel Fellowship is totally different sometimes I still have a problem with other Christians, especially traveling preachers for some reason. So the cynic in me sat not wanting to listen or believe any of his stories. However, I have a tendency to give members of the persecuted church a position of Catholic-like sainthood in my heart. In Immanuel Fellowship's highschool people used to talk about how they wanted to be martyr's someday. I used to think they were crazy but secretly prayed all the time for a heart that would be willing to go through the kind of persecution I read about in Jesus Freaks. So I sat not trusting the man but hanging on his every word.

Later, as I walked Isaac's dog Jobi I prayed about what I'd just heard. I feel like I've fallen. Billy talked about living your Christianity without taking short-cuts. This has been the biggest thing I've worked and prayed for since I started following Jesus when I was fifteen. A few years ago I felt so much closer to that goal. The last two years have been really hard. Maybe I've taken the responsibility and the guilt for things I had no business attempting. I've failed miserably at just about everything I've dared touch for a long time. Everything I thought I would be, everything I was just three years ago now seems so far out of reach. Not to mention the standard of living Billy embodies. I began to cry as I poured these thoughts out God for the millionth time, begging Him to change me again.

dear God i'm losing count my of failures
i can't remember why You called me
is it illusion or do i walk backwards?
yet still i hear You call me to follow
unwilling to resist such a voice as Yours
shattered to the core, but i will come

off to teen mania

My little sister Jacque is right now on vacation with the rest of the family in Texas. I had to work and so couldn't go with them. On the 18th they will drop her off in Garden Valley, home of Teen Mania headquarters where she will spend the next year.

It's kinda weird having my little sister move out. Since it's only been like three days I don't think the reality of it has quite hit me yet. Oh well, never mind that for now.

It's going to be so awesome for her. She's about to be challenged in ways she probably hasn't thought of. At the end of this year Jacque's going to be a very different person than she is now. I'm so excited for her! Not because I don't think she's great right now, I'm just excited for teh chances she'll get to do things she's never done, meet new people, gain confidence as a woman of God, see her character grow, and most of all get a lot closer to God. I'll get to see her again in a couple of months at Thanksgiving....three months. I can't wait to hear the stories she'll have to tell and see the way she's grown frist-hand and not just over the phone and email.

poetic justice

Today I saw direct evidence that there is such a thing as justice in the world. However, before you understand that statement I need to give a little history.

My sisters and I used to play Monopoly a lot when we were little. There was only ever one winner and that was absolutely always Jacque. In fact, Jacque's never lost a game and I've never won a single game, ever. That is, until today.

Today my three sisters and I all played Monopoly. (I don't even know why I always agree to play this game.) As is the usual about two hours in Joanie and Julie, the two youngest, sold all their property, put all their money in the community pile to be won by some lucky player, and dropped out of the running. Jacque ended up being the lucky player with all the money and I ended being the sucker who spent all her money on buying cheap property and earning several monopolies.

Well after four hours I won. Yes me the ultimate Monopoly looser! I bought every hotel and house the game had. As Jacque got more and more in debt she gave me more and more property, eventually I owned the whole board. It felt so good. Usually our positions are reversed. I will cherish this moment forever.

parting

Today it rained. Usually rain is recomended when one is saying goodbye. We took one last drive around the lake and my car was leaking form the top of the windsheild onto my hand as usual. But I didn't mind, the rain falling on the mountain lake was beautiful. This was our favorite little drive. I bought this little red '87 subaru for $250. I've replaced a lot parts, discovered and found ways around many quirks, seen it's 200,000 mile birthday, and given my friends countless rides. For the price I've paid it's been an incredible car and usually quite reliable.

We are quite fond of eachother but we've talked it over and both agreed that it would be best if I sold her. Sunday someone offered to buy my subaru for $500. That's much more than I could hope to get from anyone else. We decided that since the man who's offering to buy her is somewhat mechanically tallented and good with old cars and I am not that I sould accept and use the money to buy a newer, more reliable car. Especially as she has had a harder and harder time being reliable for me lately. So we went for one last drive and sat in the rain together listening to it fall on her roof as we said our sad goodbyes. Then I went inside the house and signed the title over.

*tear, sob, sob* Goodbye wonderful little car.....

oblivious

I just read this really great article about God's love. It's pretty short so go read it. I think I tend to be completely oblivious to God's love most of the time. Like, not that I'm unaware of His love, I just don't really take the time to think about it in depth. I wonder if that hurts Him. If I loved somebody like that I'd sure want them to stop and think about it at least ten times a day. I'd want them to really know that right then I was dreaming about them. God is really patent with our lack of enthusiasm about His love. God help me learn to be more constantly aware that You are loving me like crazy. Help me love You back more like You love me....