week one

The prayer room started Friday.  I did post about it but something went wrong and my entire blog freaked out.  So I had to delete that post.  : (
 
Anyway the prayer room's first week has gone very well.  The problem is not finding enough people to fill a day with prayer, the problem is getting alone.  I've spent twelve hours there and only had the room all to myself for two of them!  But I like sharing it, I couldn't ask for a better "problem."  People are really feeling God's presence there and are almost irresistibly drawn back.  Last night someone from a housechurch I go to on Thusdays became a Christian after talking with someone in the prayer room!  And we're just starting! 

The best times are late at night or early in the morning.  From what I've heard that's when you can find the most people over there praying.  Unfortunately I've been sick with laryngitis this week and haven't been able to go at night.  I get tired way too fast.  Strange when I was a kid I always thought it would be cool to have laryngitis, because I was shy and it would give me an excuse not to talk to people.  I'm not really that shy anymore and I've decided it's definitely not as great as I thought it would be.  On the up side my boss decided I looked pretty bad yesterday and gave me today off.  I've also had some good times in the prayer room during my afternoon shifts.  God's really been speaking to me there.  So night shifts aren't the only good ones.  ; )   

anticipation

A group started transforming the church office into a prayer room tonight.  While we were praying about the room I was thinking of the shifts I signed up for.  I can't wait.  The cool thing is that while I was feeling this I got this sense that neither can God, He's looking forward to this way more than I am.  He's not just looking forward to my prayer slots, but every single person's.  It amazes me how God can love us so much as individuals, how intimately He knows each person, almost as if each one was the only one.  At the same time He's able to build unity into groups, teach people lessons together, cause people to grow as a group, and work through a time of corporate prayer like the 40 days coming up.  It kinda blows my mind how He does it all; He's too awesome for me to ever understand.

learning to worship

When I was fourteen I was on the worship team at a church I used to go to.  At the time I was very prideful, every week someone would give me a complement on how beautiful my voice was or how pretty I looked on stage.  That was why I sang: to get complements for myself, not to bring God glory.  Really I was attempting to take glory from God for myself.  About a year and a half latter I got more serious about my relationship with God and quit singing on the worship team.  How could I?  I hadn't been doing it for God. 
 
Five years latter I still feel it even though I've repented: the guilt that my pride left me.  It's really hard for me to worship in a group sometimes.  I'm afraid people are going to hear me sing.  My best worship times tend to be at delirious? concerts where no one can hear my voice.  I guess it's a little funny, most people are afraid to sing in a group because they feel they have a bad voice not because they have a good one.  I still sing on the worship team occasionally when the chuch I'm now a part of asks me to, but not without a lot of prayer.  There are always complements to my voice which make me really uncomfortable.  I guess I don't fully trust myself. 
 
Last night a group of us were worshiping and God started speaking to me.  He told me that He made my voice and I don't have to be ashamed of it.  If my heart is in the right place a complement to my voice can actually give glory to the One who designed it.  And He likes my voice, He likes to hear me sing, and He likes to hear me sing well.  I know it's not all about how I sound when I worship (make a joyful noise to the Lord), but if that noise can also be beautiful that's okay too.  It was really encouraging to hear that from God, I've been so worried about my voice being a distraction.  But He designed it to sound the way it does on purpose, and He likes it.  That excites me, God likes my voice.  Last night was the best time of worship I've had since the last time I was at a delirious? concert.

prayer room sign-up

Today people started signing up for prayer slots next week.  Our 40 days of 24-7 prayer begins Friday.  Many slots are still available, except from about 1:00 to 4:00 in the morning, those disappeared fast.  Friday seems so close; we still have a lot to do to make the room ready.  At the ame time I wish it had already started, every time I think about it I get so excited.  I know God is going to work in us, teach us to pray like never before, heal us, bring new people into the church, and teach us how to love Him more.  I can't help but smile whenever I think of it.  This is going to be amazing. 

tb test

Tuesday I took a tuberculosis test.  My job as a personal care provider requires me to take one once a year.  The test itself was kinda fun, for some odd reason getting stuck with needles is my favorite part of going to the doctor.  (Yes I know I'm weird.)  The nurse took a really short needle and stuck it under the skin on my arm, just below my wrist on the more tender side, and injected something just under my skin.  Because of the location it stung more than most shots.  I was not too worried about the test results until one of my friends told me that this test is for a disease where, if you have it, you cough up blood and lung and you're a carrier for life.  Not something I want, especially the part about being a carrier for life.  That would put a quick end to all my dreams of being a nurse or anything else in the medical field.  The realization that this one test could change the course of my life made the test somewhat less fun.  But I went in to get the results today and no tb dormant or otherwise.  Very good, my life goes on as planned.  For now.  ; ) 

adventure

I am reading a book called Red Moon Rising. I just finished a part about a man who regularly smuggled Bibles behind the Iron curtain. Part of his job description was expecting to spend at least two years in jail and training for the interrogation that would come with an arrest. He even had a hand written letter prepared and waiting with friends to be sent to his parents upon his arrest. It was the life he felt God wanted him to live. Dangerous? Of course. More fulfilling than the "career conveyor belt" his friends were busy on at home? No doubt.

I want that. A life of adventures for God with the chance to be arrested, to live in hiding, be shot at, starved, hated, and yes maybe even die. Even as I type this I wonder if I'm just being idealistic. Would I really be willing to go through that for God? To be honest I don't know. Typing is one thing; living is a completely different story. I only know I don't want to live a long, safe, comfortable life which I look back on wondering whether I really served God much at all. I want to live on the edge. I know I don't have to go anywhere to do it, though I would like to be a missionary. What's stopping me? If I can't do it here in Colorado, can I do it anywhere?

"If you have run with footman and they have tired you out,
Then how can you compete with horses?
If you fall down in a land of peace,
How will you do in the thicket of the Jordan?"
Jeremiah 12:5

God teach me to run with horses......

why?

Why?

Why?
The ear-splitting cry
Echoes back in my face
Is it always the same?

Why?
I've asked for myself
Now I ask for a friend
Their pain I can't understand

Why?
I cry my quiet tears
The histories of friends
Their scars too deep to tell

Why?
Did injustice win?
They were undeserving of this wrong!
Did none see?

Why?
This is the heart's cry
Of my abused generation
The pain we can't explain

Why?
Will our wounds never heal?
Ripped open over and over
Scars to deep to hide

Why?
My generation bleeds
We grow faint, is our cry heard?
Will no one dry our tears?

Why?
Do I ask the agonizing question?
Am I tormenting myself?
It remains unanswered

Why?
Am I seeking comfort here?
I depend on this answer
But it will never heal pain

Why?
We're looking away from Your face
The only answer to such cries
The only hand to dry the tears

Why?
We miss the healing touch
The hand that binds the wounds
Face that transforms scars to medals

Why?
In the face of such need
Will those who come freely
Leave others to die alone?

"Do they really matter all the why's? Could all the answers take away the pain, or all the reasons really dry my eyes, though from Heaven's court? No I would weep again. My God, You have saved me from Hell's black abyss; oh, save me from the tyranny of bitterness!" - Anonymous

alone

I had to lead the discussion in housechurch alone tonight. I've done this before but I've never done it without both Marie and Isaac to back me up. Since both of them are in Maryland right now I was more nervous than I usually am on a Saturday. It seemed to go okay but it's very hard for me to tell when I do it alone. A couple of my friends blessed and encouraged me afterwards by telling me that it was good. So one of the weekend's hurdles down, one to go. Tomorrow I'm one of only two people singing on the worship team because three people are gone. Normally I'm not even on the worship team so I'm a little nervous.

so sorry

I've had a rather hectic week. I'm all moved thanks to Isaac and David who came over and helped. I also got a new job as a personal care provider (basically I run errands, keep house, ect. for a woman who's health makes these things very hard for her) since I plan on going into nursing this will be a good experience. It will also give me some idea as to whether or not I'm really cut out for that kind of work. I'm still at my old job as well. In addition to this I've gotten behind on my web course and now have four tests to take. I also help lead a house church with Marie and Isaac, and I will be helping to set up the prayer room later. In saying all this I'm not complaining. I will have no chance to be bored for the next month or so, which is great.