no more why

"Do they really matter, all the whys? Could all the answers take away the pain, or all the reasons really dry my eyes, though from Heaven’s court? No, I would weep again. My God, You have saved me from Hell’s black abyss; oh, save me now from the tyranny of bitterness!" ~Anonymous

I’ve asked why so many times in the past, "God why did you allow this?" or "God why did it happen that way?" or "God I know in Your power You could have kept me from pain here, why didn’t You?" I’ve looked so hard for these answers before. I’ve tortured myself asking God over and over. It seems like usually He doesn’t answer. Even when He does He never seems to answer the weightier questions, only the smaller, less painful ones. I’ve seen the truth of this quote a few times when God has answered me; the hurt goes on despite the answer. Most of the time though my whys are left unanswered by God.

I think I’m learning though. In the past I’ve been angry at God for not answering me. As if He owed me answers; as if I had a right to demand them of Him. God is so patient with me. He has shown me that He has something better than answers to tortured questions. He knows no answer is enough. In His wisdom I think He allows us to ask and is silent. He’s waiting for us to be silent and trust Him.

God taught me this through the lesson Oral learned in the book Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis. Oral loses her younger sister. After this she spends her life angrily blaming God and searching for meaning, asking why her younger sister had to be taken from her. The book is written in the first person as Oral’s memoir by the end she’s found the answer. "I ended my first book with the words ‘no answer.’ I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice? Only words, words...."

It sounds funny at first when you read it but it’s so true. Since reading that I’ve been asking God to give me that attitude and teach me to look into His eyes for answers. He’s drawn me close and melted away those horrible, torturing whys in His love. In His wisdom He withholds answers that will not even begin to dim the pain. Instead He patiently waits for us to give in and come to Him so He can take us in His arms, chase away the questions, and heal us in His love.

oops

Sorry about that last wordless post. I was having troubles using blogger. Either that or blogger wasn't working so well. Anyway, I was so sure the post titled "idealism" that actually had words was dumped so I tried again. Funny, I thought it had not worked at all. I guess it did...sorta. But I can't erase the empty post thanks to Ben who put a comment on it. Ben comments when there are no words and is silent when there are. :s

idealism

Being idealistic, at least as I've always understood it, is a somewhat negative quality. Maybe I'm wrong but usually when I hear someone get called idealistic it seems to imply that they are inexperienced with life and unrealistic. In the background is a whisper, "Just wait, time and age will beat some reality into you." Idealism is idealistic because it's young and doesn't know any better.

Maybe it's just me and my view of things, but these implications result in me subtly expecting somewhere in the back of my mind that one day I too will grow up, see the world as it is in it's dirtiness, and let go of my idealism for something a little more realistic.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately; this isn't the way it should be in the Kingdom of God. We're supposed to enter God's Kingdom as children (Matthew 18:3) and are called children of God (John 1:12, Romans 8:16), so wouldn't it follow that if we are children in this Kingdom than shouldn't we have and value youthful qualities such as teachability, humility, trust, faith, unconditional love, and idealism.

Maybe idealism is a quality we should cling to as we get older and something we should ask God to keep fresh in our hearts. Yea, I know everyone grows up. If they're serving God they're going to take a beating along the way, they will get accused of things they never did, they will be hated, and they will see the dirty ugly side of the world. Those serving God will have plenty of opportunity to get the idealism knocked out of them. Last night in Acts class Jerrie said, "When there's opposition you've either made an impact or you're about to."

What are the odds that a person could hold onto idealism under fire? Is it even possible? I have to believe it is. Maybe it's not possible to hold on to it 100% of the time, but maybe like vision it comes back. On this journey with God we'll see a lot of the impossibilities and nastiness of the world, but I think that as we choose to keep following anyway we'll see a lot more of God's power and the beauty He's created. The more we know of God the more idealistic we should get because less and less seems impossible. God keep me idealistic; keep me trusting You.

idealism

vision comes again

People are so weak. This is extra true of me it seems. God gives a vision for our lives and we lose it. Time, age, hurt, cynicism, or apathy erase it. God's given me vision for my life. I think I lost it nearly completely a year ago, somewhere between November and July. I used to think I was some superhero who would save the world one day. Thought I would do great things for God. I was young and idealistic. (Ok, I was younger. Hey, I'm allowed a little drama aren't I?) That all went away. I'm not supergirl. Going through the motions not really believing God will ever use you is, well, yuck. Wandering around in gray semi-aimlessness.

Over the last six months in the prayer room I've found vision returning. That's putting it lightly. I found it flooding my spiritual senses like the welcome relief of sudden rivers flooding a desert. I'd nearly forgotten the taste. It was so good to have it back. Like an old friend who moved away for awhile and then came back. While vision was gone we'd both changed though so things aren't the same. I'm not supergirl anymore and saving the world is not within my reach. However, God has brought vision back bigger, stronger, and more wildly beautiful than I would have thought.

Over the last two months I think I lost it again. I am weak. I haven't been spending as much time with God since the prayer room closed. It reopened today and God has challenged me in having me commit to a few more hours than I would've thought I could handle. Seems like whenever He challenges me like that the time works out and the results of obeying Him are quite lovely. I have this feeling that He's going to be bringing vision back soon. Once again I'll be weaker but the vision will have grown in strength and beauty.

Maybe that's how it works if we allow it. The vision God gives is too heavy; it falls out of our hands. In God's over-the-top faithfulness He brings the vision back, over and over. In time we realize that we're too little to hold onto it ourselves. Meanwhile the vision grows, or maybe God just lets us see more of it. We learn to let God hold the vision in one hand and in the other hand we let Him hold ours and just go along with Him as He fulfills it in us. Boy I wish I'd hurry up and learn that.

a tale of three kings

I just read this really great book...for the fourth time. It is A Tale of Three Kings, by Gene Edwards. It is imho, it's one of the best Christian books I've ever read, by one of my favorite authors. It looks at the life of king David and how he handled authority, both Saul's authority over him and his authority over Absalom. It talks about how God used Saul's terrible treatment of David to crush him and remove the "Saul" from David's heart allowing him to be a man after God's own heart rather than just another power-hungry ruler. Saul was the tool that moulded David into the man God wanted him to be.

faithfulness

I've been thinking about God's faithfulness lately. I guess mainly because I've been struggling with it a lot. I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's like the last few weeks I've totally forgotten everything I ever knew about His faithfulness. I'm coming back around now, but I feel like I've totally started over with less knowledge than before. :s Maybe it's not so bad though. I mean, maybe it was like I had all these ideas about His faithfulness built up and they seemed really good. However there must have been a serious weakness in there somewhere because I lost it all. I mean all of it. Now I'm starting over and hoping God will build my ideas about His faithfulness stronger this time around.

I think my biggest struggle has been a fear that He will get mad at me and abandon me. I've had a relationship with God long enough to know better. I'm not really sure why my concept of His faithfulness came crashing down. But it did. I was so scared that I would eventually do something bad enough to chase Him away. The fear was taking over. I was distancing myself from Him thinking He would give up on me. However, God's been showing me that He already knows the worst horror I am capable of. He knows more of my worst than I'll ever have opportunity to see. Nothing I do will ever shock Him into changing His mind about loving me.

Something else He showed me was about these verses in John 10:27-29,

"My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they
follow Me; and I give eternal life to them, and they will never perish; and no
one will snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is
greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's
hand."

No one is strong enough to take me out of His hand - including me. I got this picture the other day while I was asking God to show me His faithfulness again. It's like I was trapped inside this grave (like the kind they had in Jesus' time which was a cave with a HUGE boulder rolled down over the entrance to seal it) and I couldn't move the boulder and free myself. Then Jesus came and moved the boulder for me and let me out. I came out into a beautiful garden where I could be friends with God. After I came out the boulder slid back down into place. No strength of mine can remove the boulder to allow myself to crawl back into the dark grave. I wasn't strong enough to move it away to free myself nor am I strong enough to move it away to imprison myself again. No matter what.

I'm not sure how all of that stands up theologically. It's just that I'm seeing God is faithful. That is His character. It doesn't change. I can be unfaithful, I can be a brat, I can throw a fit, I can walk away from Him, and He will remain solidly faithful. His faithfulness has nothing to do with who I am or how I behave. It's all wrapped up in who He is. I have given my life to Him. I've reminded Him (and me) of that so many times. He is faithful. I may someday forget that I am His, but He will never forget. If I ever fall He will catch me. If I ever give up, He will bring me back. In the past I've feared that one day I would stupidly walk away from God and forget He's the best thing that I've ever known. I'm seeing that if I ever did forget Him, He would not forget me. He would chase me and win my heart back. He would remind me. God is not insecure or easily offended by my weakness, He's bigger than that. He's faithful, longer than the sun and moon, longer than the stars, longer than the galaxies, and certainly longer than my short breath of life. He is faithful beyond the end of time.

where would i go?

On the edge
Pushed too far
No energy left to fight
Maybe it's time to give in

But where would I go?
I've glimpsed life that's real

Where would I go?
I've tasted the only true love

Where would I go?
I've heard the music of eternity

There's nowhere else
Quitting would be inner death
I lost my vision to the pain
But I can't give in to it's pull

Bring back the vision
Renew the strength to fight
Awake in me the desire again
God help me seek Your face
You are my only hope

servanthood

Last night our housechurch talked about servanthood. Somehow we managed to talk about two different aspects of it. Both how we as a housechurch need to be serving one another and how we need to serve others outside of our group. We decided to raise money to help those hit by the tsunami in Asia. The death toll is so huge I almost can't get my mind to understand how that many people could be dead. God help us raise money and please use it to make a real difference.