another 40

We finished another fourty days of prayer today. Hopefully this break won't be too long.

I'm really tired and I have writer's block, so this is it for now.

my God with me

I ran across this poem in my journal. I wrote it about a year ago.

Confusion surrounds and fills my head
But God is with me
The thought that scare me remain
But God is with me
My fears and uncertainties larger than I
But God is with me
Will I ever change inside?
God is truly with me
Can anything ever help me?
Yet God is with me
I have failed completely in everything
But now the sense that God is with me
At the end of myself
And God is here at the end with me
I teeter on the edge of falling apart
Somehow still my God is with me
When the land is dark and I am blind
In that deep dark my God is with me
When I can't believe He's there
There remains my God with me

Through all highs and lows and uncertainties. Here is my God, He stays closer than my own heartbeat.

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

jacque II

Today I got to hang out with Jacque and some of her friends and our friends and by the end of the day they were all "our friends," it was great. We had a lot of fun but I'm really pressed for time right now so I won't describe it.

Also, Ben gets back from London today. I baby-sat his house while he and his family were gone. It was fun having a house all to myself, but it was also a little scary at times. One night last week their porch light came on and i was sure I heard robbers walking aboutnd in the house. I almost called a friend at 1:30 a.m. to ask if he could come save me. However I decided that it would be embarassing to call him over noises the furnace was making so I didn't.

jacque

Today is my baby sister's birthday! She's turning eighteen. Now she's old enough to join the army, smoke, see an R movie in the theater, and vote. She'd probably only do the last two, depending on the movie.

Jacque and I go back a long way - we had our first fight before she was even born! I was sitting on my mom's lap having a book read to me and she started kicking me. That was pretty much the story of our childhood. Then we got into out teens and we were fine.

I got to be in a life-group with her when she was 15-16, which was really cool. (For those who don't know, a life group is a group of 2-4 people who hold each other accountable.) I got to watch her grow a lot in that time.

Even though she's my little sister there are a lot of ways I really admire her. One thing is that she's a very steady person, it takes a lot to make her focus waver. Another is her super quiet times. The girl will go in her room and totally lose track of time and be in there with God for hours. And although she has dyslexia she reads about ten chapters of the Bible a day! Needless to say she's still growing a lot in her walk with God.

Anyway happy birthday Jacque!! :D

missed my flight

Last night I dreamed that I missed my flight. I spent the whole night going from plane to plane trying to catch up to my friends who hadden't missed the flight like I had. It always seemed like they were impossibly far ahead of me. I never caught up.

In real life most of my closest friends left for London yeterday.

quite simply amazing

Ok, I must rave about God a little. I was recently alone with Him in the prayer room and He was telling me about Himself. He truly rocks in His ability to bring hope to hopeless times, wholeness to the broken, help to the helpless, and just basically bring something out of nothing.

Right now I'm going through what should over all be the most disillusioning, crippling, hopeless time I've ever faced. Seems like there has been a lot of down time where I'm just so spun around in hurt and confusion that I can't lift my head from disillusionment, hopelessness, and the horrible feeling of being totally crippled inside.

However, my friends have been praying for me through it all (I owe you guys some major prayer time!) and God is teaching me a lot. He's showing me that even though right now I feel like I'm being emptied and I'm so hurt I don't even know who I am anymore, He is showing me that He is still in control. He knows what's going on and is not the least bit confused. (Psalm 139:11,12) He takes debilitating scars and turns them into medals and strength to run. He uses those who've been reduced to nobodies! When I am strong enough to lift my eyes from what's going on and look at Him I see His hand at work already. I can see a little how He's molding my character. I can see Him maturing my faith. He's refining my walk with Him and incredibly deepening my vision. And - possibly best of all - He's giving me this crazy hunger for Him lately. I don't know how to explain it exactly, I feel like a beginner all over again. Like I don't know God at all yet and I've got to go crazy searching Him out in the Bible, in my time with Him, and in prayer for my friends.

It's so amazing how He uses impossible situations. Could it be? A reason to the hard times? At last, the faint whisper of an answer for life's why's? A blessing in disguise that brings us closer to the most amazingly true love ever known? A door to the beautiful?

birthdays

Today is Isaac's 18th birthday. In honor of the occasion we threw him a birthday party and had the best game of freeze ever. Poor Isaac went through three scenes in which he was being beaten with a rolled-up magazine! We also put together a scrapbook of encouraging birthday notes from all his friends and tried to get as many out of town people as possible.

I've known Isaac since just after he turned thirteen. He's grown a lot in five years and taught me much. When I first met him I'd been on three summer mission trips with Teen Mania but my vision would fade between summers. His vision was way more consistent than mine and he was younger. I used to think I had to wait till I grew up before I really had a vision that was steady. He also taught me to go after the vision in prayer for the nations and in knowing what's going on in the world. I've grown a lot in these areas, but I still look up to him in regards to vision. (Literally! :p)

My dog Sarah shares a birthday with Isaac, she is turning five today. (I think I've teased Isaac about this as long as I've known him, will I ever grow up?) She's a very cute brown Labrador. She was also the runt and consequentially is still undersized and looks like a puppy. Sarah still has her puppy fur too so she's very soft.

Anyway, happy birthday to both of you!

womens' retreat

I just got back from Immanuel Fellowship's first ever womens' retreat. It was so much fun. It was clear that the women who planned it put a lot of work and prayer into it.

God spoke to me a lot over the weekend. First about giving myself to Him more completely in a few areas. He showed me an area where I need a deeper trust in Him and be persuing to accept His ideas about who I am. Yes, I know I'm being vague but most of the stuff God spoke to me was really personal. And of course (drum roll please) He spoke to me about modesty! However, since boys read this I don't really want to give the specifics on that either. ; )

Well maybe I will talk about modesty a little. It can be a pretty controversial subject somethimes. Yet if I really love God with everything that would include the way I dress. Generally I think I'm pretty good about modesty, but I should always be open to God challenging me to a higher standard in any area. If I really love Him what less could I do?