23

So, it's my birthday. Last year I was pretty excited about my birthday. Well, I guess I'm still not as old as I should be because I think I was even more excited this year. ;)

Last night during my time with God I came up with a new birthday's eve tradition. Last year I said I was excited because I felt like God was going to do a lot in my life. Well He did so I took my journal and reviewed my 22nd year. I wrote out what God did in my life month by month for the whole year. It was great. I wrote all the things He did and the challenges that He helped me face. Here's a short version.

• I took an art class and started drawing again and made a visual journal. This is important because I had kinda quit drawing and it's a huge way I express myself. God also sometimes speaks to me and helps me untangle problems when I express them visually.
• I was feeling really stuck spiritually, super frustrated, and wondering if any of it had been real. I made this collage and through it God showed me that my walk with Him had been real. It sounds silly but this was the thing I needed to move forward.
• I had what is probably one of the biggest turning points in my life in a Catholic church in Paris. God basically told me that we could be reconciled and that He is my father. I ended up sobbing and hugging this priest I'd never met who was blowing on me. Crazy, but it changed everything.
• God asked me to take a vow not to date for six months (even though I already wasn't, I think it just gave me the security I needed) so that He could reset some really bad ideas I have about relationships with guys. I think God has done a lot in this area, I still talk tough but I'm not so afraid and consequently my friendships with most of the guys around me have gotten better. I've also, more recently, become a lot more merciful towards those who like me a little too much.
• In November some friends and I took a vow to spend 70 minuets with God a day for 70 days. This has been super. Especially in the middle of a busy semester, it's kept me disciplined.

So that's the really, really short version. God's done so much in me this year (especially since that Catholic church in May), it's been a little hard to keep up at times. There's still a lot to change but at least this year I feel like I'm moving forward. And what does God have tomorrow? I think it's gonna be good.

frustrations with grace

This semester is so busy for me, almost overwhelming. I have a bad habit of biting off more than I can chew. :s Oh well, the unnecesary challenges I seem unable (unwilling?) to avoid make my life more interesting.

Immanuel Fellowship has been talking about grace and sanctification for about a month now. It was the focus of the retreat we had in October, been talked about on Sundays both before and after the retreat, and we’ve been talking about it a lot in housechurches. It’s been really good stuff, the grace to come to God after you’ve screwed up and the grace to stop sinning have been the main things talked about.

For me though it’s been really frustrating. When I was little I used to have this toy. It was similar to a hard, hollow, plastic ball, only it had all these holes cut in it. The holes were all different shapes, there was a star-shaped hole, a square hole, a diamond hole….you get the picture. The point of the toy was for the little kid to learn shapes by fitting these blocks through the holes, there was a star-shaped block, a square block, a diamond block….you get the picture. The thing about this toy is that the star-shaped block only fit through the star-shaped hole, the square block only fit the square hole, and the diamond block only fit the dimond hole. I watched this toy frustrate many a small child in my mother’s daycare. The little ones always thought that they could get the blocks to go through just any old hole.

Why am I talking about this childhood toy? Because this toy has a lot to do with my frustration over the concept of grace. See I feel like my little heart has all these different shaped holes cut into it. The really agrivating thing is that somewhere along the way someone forgot to cut me a grace-shaped hole. So I can see grace and I understand it with my mind but my heart has no way to allow it in. Another way of putting it is that I feel like a man blind from birth. I could read books upon books about colors but never really have any idea of what they actually are or what it feels like to see a painting so beautiful that it takes your breath away. So I’m frustrated and feeling a little desperate.

last night

Tonight the housechurch had a game and prayer night as our last time together as one housechurch. We played worst case scenarios. My team was badly trounced. Then Mike, who had decided to join us tonight, took some time to talk to us about what we’re doing and our vision.

After Mike’s talk the two new housechurches that will be starting next week prayed for each other. This is the first time I’ve been involved in a housechurch multiplication. Even though we’ve been planning it for quite awhile now actually splitting is kinda weird. Half of these people that I’ve been with as a housechurch for a long time and now suddenly I won’t see them quite as often. As a larger church we do a lot together but it will still be different not being in a housechurch together.

In a way it’s a little sad. I know from experience that all those relationships will change. I’m not naturally a person who always takes changes in relationships very easily. I don’t exactly make friends very quickly; nor do I let them go easily. It seems like a peace of my heart is always taken when a friend leaves.

At the same time though, I see the vision and the reasons we multiply. I think it’s a cool example of God’s grace, how we can go through changes as a church, allowing new people to become a part, watching people leave, and still remain open to relationships. I also look forward to the adventure of starting something new…

someday

Stop the presses!

I just realized that in the year 2060 I will be 77 years old. That is sooo far away - like 54 years away. Seventy-seven seems impossible. I'll never be 77, what are you talking about Jennifer? The oldest I can imagine myself being is about 32, unmarried, and of course no kids. The thought of being 77 having been married and possibly a kid or two (but those kids would be adults by then) is so weird. It hurts my brain to think about it. Like not that is scares me at all it's just so foreign, like trying to think about infinity. I can't quite get my head around this thought. Maybe cause I've never really thought about being as old as 77 before today. It's crazyiness! I am not going to feel young and immortal forever. My life on earth will get old and end someday. Like I knew that but I hadn't really thought about it like this before. So very odd.

Another odd thing. So I told Marie about this strange revelation. What does she tell me? She tells me that March, little March who I went to school with when she was 13 and I was 18, is now 18 and married! March is married! I haven't seen her since she was 13 and so her being married is so weird. Not only that, but when I got on Myspace to see a picture of her (I didn't know she had Myspace and haven't seen a pic since she moved away) I discovered that her older brother who's my age has a kid! Benjamin having a kid is also very strange.

So between attending the weddings of two good friends, finding out March is married, learning that Benjamin has a kid, and realizing that someday I'll be 77, I am have a really trippy day.

Life is so bizarre.

Hannah & Erick

Hannah and Erick got married today. I'm sooo happy for them. They are two people who have a whole lot of my respect. Their whole relationship was a great example of purity for all of us singles.

Hannah used to disciple Becka and I in this little group we called a life group. She had us reading and memorizing; I loved it. The two of them used to say that because I, on no uncertain terms, did not want to ever get married that I would be the first to get married. I strongly disagreed of course. Well, that was when I was 16, now I'm 22 and I say, "HA! I was not the first to get married!" As you can see I haven't matured much. :P Well, maybe I've matured a little, I may be slightly more willing to get married one of these days - as long as it's not too soon. However, that little thought might be from the romance of seeing two good friends get married in the same week so don't tell anyone I said that and don't quote me. ;)

My gloating done, (don't you just love being right?) I've got to move on to other things. Hannah had Bill and her older brother Joel speak during the ceremony. It was very sweet having her brother do the exchanging of rings and vows part. Her dad did the part where he pronounces them husband and wife and said, "you may now kiss the bride." Then there was a reception during which it snowed the whole time which was lovely and romantic. The place was very well decorated. ;) Our work this week paid off. There was dancing. Sacha and Jacque taught me some steps and danced with me, so did Marie and Angela. Then I got to use them because for the first time ever a boy, Juan, actually asked me to dance with him. Juan is a good dancer and had the patience to teach me how to dance as we went along. He also didn't seem to mind too much when I stepped on his shoes with my heels.

Then Hannah and Erick were off, escaping into her car as we all threw bird seed at them. (Strange tradition.) The car had to have a few inches of snow brushed off of it and then the were off, very slowly because there was a lot of snow on the ground and they don't have 4-wheel drive. But they were off to the honeymoon and the rest of us were left to clean up the lovely wedding mess....

storms and a promise

Ok, so today I have that rare bit of time for my blog. Crazy when that happens. I just switched to Beta and was exploring and I got to looking at all my old posts in the post editing section. I only read a few and mostly only looked over the old titles and drafts. Wow, God’s been crazy faithful to me these last couple of years. I haven’t exactly deserved it; none of us do though I guess.

It’s a good reminder for me these days. Life’s been a bit too much lately. I’m taking nine credits and working full time and I’m beginning to wonder what I’ve gotten myself into this semester. I’m feeling more relationally challenged than usual because I’m mad at the whole world (almost) and I don’t know why. Not knowing why I’m mad makes me mad. :p In a shift of responsibilities at work over the last month and a half I’ve taken on a few more chores than I had before. Office work is not my specialty to begin with and now I’m usually doing several things at once and always messing at least one of them up. My brain feels like it’s gonna melt. Some days after work I go home, go to my room and cry because I’m so stressed. My friends probably all think I’m mad at them. : (

But God has been teaching me some important stuff.

Mostly I’m learning about love – and how bad I am at it. God doesn’t love like I do. I tend to wait for people to love and make me feel accepted first. Then I’m willing to love back. My love is timid and His is not. Leadership needs to be first loving and serving. I’m not a very good leader because I’m very demanding and needy when it comes to feeling loved. God’s been telling me that this just means that I need to run to Him more and find my security there. I really need to love people more like God does. I’m shockingly bad at this (well maybe not shockingly bad; I just wanted to use that word, it’s a very dramatic word), but the good news is that God wouldn’t be showing me this unless He wanted me to grow.

So storms today but a promise tomorrow…..

emily's wedding

Emily and Walter got married today. It was a cute little small wedding. One violin for music. Emily looked so pretty in her dress. Everything was simple. I really liked the way they did it. For the reception we hung out around a campfire while it tried to snow. I'm super happy for them and praying for God to bless their decision to get married. It's crazy having your friends getting married and seeing them so happy. (I love seeing my friends happy but the married part is a bit wierd.) Especiallly for schoolmates like Emily. Emily was great to be in school with. She's really out-going and always make me laugh. I'm glad she married a guy like Walter who laughs easily and often. The're so cute. :D

leaders retreat

We had our housechurch leaders retreat this week. That’s not exactly the best way to describe it because many of us (including myself) are technically not housechurch leaders. However, for lack of a better, trendier emerging churchish lable, I’ll be calling this the housechurch leaders retreat. :p

I really look forward to this retreat. The housechurch leaders are fairly close-knit group. This year we had three new couples with us, which was cool. We spent some time talking about being culturally relevant and still following God. Then Mike gave us a church history lesson of the last forty years. It’s interesting; historically waves of revival in the church always bring some change. Usually some people find that change hard to accept. As we talked about church movements that have taken place in the last forty years I thought of what would be hard for me to accept. Hmmm…… I’d never want to be someone who stood against anything God did. I quietly asked God to keep me listening to Him and keep me flexible.

We also studied 1 Thessalonians 2:3-12. It’s an example of how Paul approached his responsibility towards people as a leader. It had a lot to say about love and humility. That was the part that stuck out and convicted me the most. I need to love people. God’s done a lot in me this last six months or so. Six months ago I was too burnt and bitter to hear something like “love people.” God’s been speaking to me a lot about having Christ-like love for people around me regardless of weather or not they love me back. I’m not very good at loving so I’ve been asking God to change me a lot these last few months.

julie

My smallest, small sister got baptized today. Dad and Doug, the pastor of their church, baptized her in a very cold little river. So did her friend Molly. Julie is 9 and Molly is 10. That's kinda cool for them to be baptized together.

I wonder what God has for Julie. What will she do when she grows up, what will she study in college, or what does He have for her this coming school year? How will he continue to get her attention and teach her about Him like He has been doing?

I'm always amazed at how God can relate to anyone of any age. It's like He speaks your language. Not just your language English, Spanish, or French. But He can speak to you in a way that you understand. Like I guess, I'm just awed at how someone as big and important as God just gets us, each one of us, and if we let Him will communicate His love in a way our hearts can understand. Who is like Him?

joanie visits

So every year Teen Mania's interns have to come to Colorado and climb this mountain not too far from my parents' house. We all went to see Joanie before she climbs it tomorrow. It was strange. Here she is all grown up and has come to visit us with all her intern friends. I don't think it's completely sunk in that she's gone yet. So odd. Yep, definitely like wearing shoes made of jello.

blood drive

I gave blood today ..... not good.

I've done it before and been fine. Today I wasn't in a good mood or, well, not being very brave and trusting of God with a certain area of my life that He's been asking for. So I wasn't feeling very brave about having a needle stuck in my arm and losing a pint of blood.

Ok, what's wrong with my little human mind? I know that God created the universe and can do anything, why is it so hard to trust Him with my struggles? Things were easier when I was fifteen. God said jump and I did. Now I gotta analyze everything.....

nomads

Jacque, her friend Becky from the Honor Academy, Pistachio, and I went on a little road trip. We went from Texas to Nebraska, the scenery was amazing. Just kidding, it was less than amazing, but there was this pretty storm which gave way to a nice sunset. You can see pictures of this exciting adventure here. We showed up at Kayla’s house late (I think we did it in 13 hours) and she now calls us her nomads. I like it.

We went to Nebraska to visit another friend from the Honor Academy, Kayla. It just so happens that Kayla is my long-lost twin. We have the exact same birthday but somehow don’t manage to look much like sisters. I liked my long-lost twin, she’s really fun and hyper. We went car camping with Kayla’s church. (And wow, Nebraskan car-camping makes Coloradan car-camping look like a wilderness excursion. They had showers, microwaves, and flush toilets.) While being introduced to Kayla’s church I yet again had to fall back on, “Hi, my name is Jennifer and I did not go to the Honor Academy.” Over and over. Yeesh, I’m starting to feel like I’ve enrolled myself in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Then our Grandparents came to pick us up and took us to their house, also in Nebraska. We spent a lot of time sewing, watching musicals, and I am attempting to teach myself how to juggle. So far no luck. :p

teen mania

My sister Jacque graduated from the Honor Academy and my parents flew us all down there for the occasion. (This is why the blog has been silent, between finals and leaving for Texas the next morning I’ve had no time.) The night before her graduation there was a formal dinner where all the interns were presented with their honor rings. They have a commitment to each other to live their lives with honor. The second day was her actual graduation.

A lot of Teen Mania types did a lot of talking about living your whole life for God and living to honor His name no matter what He calls you to. It was great; I used to go on mission trips every summer with them. Hearing all those familiar people talk about living for God brings back great memories and was also rather convicting. I don’t think holiness is as high a priority to me as it was then. God’s been pointing this out to me lately as I read through the Old Testament.

Then we spent a nice week at my Aunt’s house in Dallas before we took Joanie to the Honor Academy. Between the two of them graduating from and just starting out in the Honor Academy and meeting so many new people – all going to the Honor Academy - I began introducing myself as, “Hi my name is Jennifer and I’m not going to the Honor Academy.” This introduction won me some odd looks from the people I met. :p

((it’s a very strange feeling leaving your almost-babiest-baby-sister at a campus for a year; kinda like having your feet incased in jello shoes))

camping

One of my favorite times of year just passed: Immanuel Fellowship's annual camping trip. I really like camping. It's so relaxing in a mildly adventurous sort of way. I love being out in nature 24/7.

As always, it was a very nice break from the world of jobs and school. I spent most of my time this year with Marie, Mike, Mark, and Sacha. Mark has been freinds with Mike since highschool. Sacha is his daughter. They are super fun to hang out with and they make me very hyper. Probably because they laugh when I'm trying to be funny. (I need that.) I laugh at everyone's jokes so I return the favor. ;)

God showed me a lot of things on this camping trip. Mark shared about suffering and God's love. It was really good. I hadden't thought about how the two go together. I realized that God has been teaching me this, I just hadden't noticed yet. The things he talked about made me cry (luckily where I was I could turn my head so no one would see). This would be only the second time I've cried during a church gathering. Didn't want to get caught. :p

God also showed me some things about relationships because Mike shared about that one night. (Too secret to tell.) And of course the anual orienteering race. Always fun. Mike put a four-hour time limit on it this year, probably because my team took seven hours last year and worried everyone. Anyway, grand as always, never a dissapointment.

bubbles

I just found the coolest thing: Virtual Bubbles. Remember that bubble-wrap stuff you used to stomp on when you were a kid? Well, now those of us luky enough to live in the Information Age can play with the stuff online! You can get it here, enjoy. : )

spanglish

Marie, Magali, and I got together this morning to read to each other. We read Psalms 1,2, and 3. Magali, who's first language is Spanish, read to us in English, and we read to her in Spanish. We're trying to help each other learn to read our second languages better. Marie and I definitely have the easier side of it! Written English is so confusing. Whoever came up with the rules for writing and reading English ought to be ashamed of themselves. Spanish, on the other hand, is very nice. All the words look on paper just like they sound, and the language seems to follow it's own rules better. We ran into quite a few hard-to-pronounce words in both languages. It was great laughing at ourselves and our languages. English spelling, arg.....

Anyway, I stayed at Magali's house after Marie left for work. Since we're fairly close to the same level of proficiency in each other's languages we had a great conversation in Spanglish. (I really enjoy mixing languages in a conversation. Though, I admit the reason I enjoy mixing is probably because the only language I'm truly fluent in is English.) We talked for a couple of hours about what we see God doing in Immanuel Fellowship, how He answers prayers, and God's faithfulness. We are both seeing a deeper desire in everyone to serve. It's much easier to get help moving, putting together a dinner, help with the soup kitchen, or whatever than it was a year or two ago. I've heard other people say the same sort of things. A lot of people in the church have been through some hard things the last few years and are coming out more mature. There's this deepening hunger to follow God. A lot of it is in answer to prayers. Magali prays for the church a lot, she always has. I also used to spend a lot of time praying for us as a church. It was really encouraging hearing her talk about all the prayers she is seeing answered. Magali says that God never forgets and He's always faithful. I'm reminded of many I've seen answered too. It's humbling....

Not that everything's all roses around here. However, I think God is slowly teaching me that life will always be a mixed bag, and I can't disregard the beauty of the roses because I get pricked by a thorne. As I left Magali's house today I felt so encouraged to trust God with everything in my life and to pray and seek how we can serve Him more as a church. I hope someday God makes me like that, and when people are done talking to me they leave wanting to know and serve God better.

unhindered 2006

Well as usual Unhindered did not disappoint. I always feel like I come away with fresh vision, and new hope that God actually can use me. I think this is my favorite of the yearly events we have as a church.

Friday Mike talked about dying to ourselves. Unfortunately, I had a long, tense day on Friday. My mind was quite gone so I just ran the soundboard and didn’t hear much of it. I’ll have to get this one downloaded onto my ipod and try again. :s

Saturday was great. I watched Veggie Tales with the kids during the morning session, went on a hike in the rain, and practiced for the drama we had planned.

Isaac spoke for the first part of the evening. He talked about being in the world but not of it, and about the balance between engaging the world and having friends outside the church and just blending in with everyone else and losing your saltiness. What Isaac shared kept me on the edge of my seat because he spoke more clearly on it than I think I’ve ever heard anyone do. He gave us two very good questions to ask ourselves. When was the last time I had a significant spiritual conversation with someone outside of the church? When was the last time someone hated me because of Jesus? I liked how he said to ask the two together, we can’t be off in our own world and leave the lost to rot, however we have to be salt and light and Jesus said people would hate us because of Him. I can’t quite explain it but the two questions make me feel both more responsible to reach out and freer to be myself and be real about my relationship with Jesus. I really hope this will translate to my friends at school and at work.

Then we did the Obsession drama. It’s a bit hard to explain if you haven’t seen it; it integrates spoken lines, dance, and video, all set to the song Obsession by Delirious?. It’s about wanting to follow Jesus, settling for no less than real commitment to all that means, and being willing to suffer for Him. This drama always impacts me. Strangely the impact of it always comes during the actual performance, when I’m saying my lines and really meaning them (during practice I’m only acting) and praying that God would truly make the message of the drama the cry of my heart.

After this we had a time of silence so that people could silently talk with God about the drama. (This one always hits hard.) Then Joel stepped up because it was his turn to speak. I couldn’t imagine what he would say to follow up on the drama. He started talking about the Holy Spirit and how we need Him to fill our lives if we want to reach the world. We need the change He brings and His guidance if we are going to live any of what we’ve been talking about. Joel has one of the most gentle and sincere speaking styles I’ve heard. Though he speaks loud enough, he has this way of drawing you in like a whisper does. For the second time Saturday I was on the edge of my seat. This is something God’s been saying to me for awhile - since I was in Paris. We ended the night all sitting on the floor at the front quietly praying for each other and asking God to help us give Him all the things that hold us back from Him. It wasn’t a planned time, it just sort of happened when Mike said that he felt like four or five of us needed prayer and practically everyone came up.

Today Mike talked about spiritual disciplines and how to continue in what God had spoken to us. We prayed that God would help us live what we learned and talked about this weekend. We also prayed for the elections happening in Mexico today and that God would bless that nation with a wise president who can help strengthen that country and lead it forward.

asking

God told me something cool this week.

So I used to believe that God wanted to be close to me more than I wanted to be close to Him. So I knew that if I prayed and asked Him to bring me close and to teach me who He is He would. I prayed this prayer and I saw God do it. When I was a teenager and I heard people saying they wanted a better relationship with God, that's what I'd tell them to do too.

Well the last couple of years have been rather hard, and I think I quit believing that. It's easy to feel like I've gone hopelessly backwards. Very frustrating feeling. But (hurray!) in May God was so amazing! He helped me through a lot of the struggles I was having with Him. Questions remain, but I am no longer feeling crippled by them.

So what did God tell me this week? I was asking Him to restore what we had. Then He reminded me that He still wants to be close, and He values the friendship we had when I was 18. He reminded me that He has the power to change my heart and bring me close again and let me know Him in a new and deeper way. I'm so excited. :D My relationship with God used to be so real and amazing, and it will be again.

God help me drop anything that would hold me back from chasing You...

church, school & work

Basically at the moment the only things in my life are church, school, and work, but someone requested I post so I'll try. I guess with fame there is a public to please. :p

So as a church things seem to going pretty well at the moment. People are pretty envisioned for missions since our trip to France. It was great seeing people pulling together on both sides of the Atlantic to pray for France and seek God's heart for that nation. We have a guest from Saint-Germain staying with us now, Pierre-Elie. You can see his picture here. Well, technically he's staying with the Phillips but is is also a guest of the whole church. It's been fun hanging out with him. We're also getting ready for our Unhindered, our annual missions conference. (Conference is not the right word exactly, it feels more like a retreat except we stay in Frisco.) I'm excited about this year, it sounds like it's going to be good as usual. I always come away from Unhindered very envisioned to live my faith in a deeper way. Personally, this is the yearly Immanuel Fellowship event where God always speaks the most to me.

School, well I'm taking eight credits this summer (and working full time so the blog may end up taking a back seat, I'm busier than I was expecting to be) I'm taking speech, humanities 1, and a landscape painting class. So far I'm really liking humanities and art class. I've never felt very good at doing landscapes and so I tend to get bored with them. However, I feel like I'm getting much better at painting in this class. I'm a bit surprised because I didn't have much painting experience at all. It makes me really want to make a career out of art, I like it so much. I really need to decide what it is I'm going to college for, and what I want to study.....but that's a whole new post.

Work is the same as always. I was a secretary when I was 16 and I was so bored that I promised myself that I'd never do it again and here I am doing it. I paid more than Gap and had better benefits, so what can I say, single girl's gotta make a living. I'm a bit frustrated because I've almost been here a year and I'm still constantly messing up. Office work is not my nitch in life. I feel like more trouble than I'm worth, but fortunately the doctor I work for never fires anyone so I guess I'm not going anywhere.

So, to the person who requested that I post, there's my life for the summer, going fairly well I'd say. No worries, I'll try to make time for blogging; I rather like it. ;)

((I'd like to thank all three readers of my blog, and whoever left that comment, you make me feel loved.))

i did not die

I have wonderful news: I did not die in speech class last night. Surprised? Not half as much as I am.

Let me explain, speech class has been my arch nemesis since I was twelve and it was a required class in the private school I attended part time for three years. It was required every year without mercy. Being the super-shy kid with hideously crooked teeth that I was .... well you can imagine, it was my worst nightmare all year long. 8(

As bad as making speeches actually are there is one kind of speech that stands far below the rest and that is telling my life story. Or telling my testimony, as we Christians like to call it. Arg, I do despise it. Every single time it very bad, really boring, and quite embarrassing. (Okay, so once it went alright but that was a one-time freak occurrence.) I definitely freak-out more telling my own life story than when I talk about anything else.

So today's assignment was to tell about ourselves - to a room full of strangers. (Icky it's bad enough doing it with people I know.) Well maybe I cheated a little because I just told a short story about when I was on a mission trip to Hong Kong. Even so, I completely quit breathing just practicing in the hallway. Not a good sign. I did a little better during the actual speech; I was careful to pause and breath. Though I did everything else wrong; breathing kept me from passing out.

may in paris

Yes, I know, I've been a bad blogger. In my defense I spent the month of May in Paris with very limited time on a computer. It was a great computer - free month. ;)

I was very nervous about going on this trip. Last year was the hardest trip I had ever been on. I really hadn't even wanted to go to France at all this year, but I felt like God was asking me to so I went with many frightened little prayers.

Last year the few of us who went felt led to a suburb of Paris called Saint-Germain-en-Leye to pray. That was our goal this year: to learn about the area and pray for it. Surprisingly Mike ended up meeting some people in the area before the trip even started. A struggling pastor, and a family that caught the vision to pray with us. We have been told over and over on previous trips to France that the French are very closed to Americans and closed to churches that are not part of a larger, very well established organization. Two counts against us. However, we had a lot of friendships with French people just drop in our laps. The last week we were there we were invited into three different homes. We have way more friends than anyone expected. Very cool. God also connected us with people who knew the history of the area. This allowed us to pray much more specifically than we expected. We prayer-walked on every street and around every school.

While we were in France Stephanie came to visit us. Stephanie is a Swiss girl who's been working as a nanny in Summit County and teaching French classes for those of us in Immanuel Fellowship who went to France. She's become friends with a lot of people in the church. Marie and Mike (two of the better French speakers) have been talking to her about Jesus for a long time before the trip, she was very interested but knew it meant a commitment and change. While she was visiting us she gave her life to Jesus. It was amazing to see because we'd all been praying for her for months.

As for me, God spoke to me more on this trip than any other ever. I filled as much space in my journal in this month as I had over the eight months before the trip. I think I'll look back on this month as a huge turning point in my spiritual walk. So much happened. But if I start writing on that this post will get ridiculously long. ;)

prom

I went to Kremmling today and helped get my sister all dolled up for prom. She looked soooo gorgeous. Her dress ($7 from the salvation army, very cool) was floor length, white, and navy, an elegant combination. I put her curly hair in an updo and did her make up light, cause she's a natural beauty. :D :D :D (Oh my sad fate, I cannot post a picture because my camera is ancient.)

Joanie's going with a bunch of her friends and is eating in the lovely restaurant where Bobby very romantically proposed to Brianna and she gets to ride in a limmo. Somebody get the poparazzi on this girl.

trusting & tithing

I ran today. Running always helps me think, pray, get things back in perspective, listen to God, and trust Him.

Some thoughts.

I was once upon a time very good at tithing. (Giving 10% of all my money to God.) I thought I was pretty good at believing the Biblical principal that if I did this God would bless it. Well adult life is....harder than I had anticipated. I tithed faithfully right up till I became fully independent of my parents in January. Suddenly along with rent and phone I was also paying for both health and car insurance.

Arg. I had looked forward to the thought of being so "grown up" but it took about two days for the rosyness to be utterly annihilated. Anyway my faithfulness to tithe sputtered down to not much. I began paying bills first and then giving God my leftovers. :s This, I'm realizing, was not a good idea. Though I now have a better, higher paying job with benefits, I struggle more financially and I shouldn't. Also I'm leaving for Paris on a mission trip in less than two weeks and though the trip is cheaper than most I've been on, I've had much more trouble raising the money. Hmmm...... seems like trusting God enough to tithe is not so optional as I had attempted to make it.

Maybe trusting God in general isn't so optional as I try to make it either. (Yes, I'm stating the obvious, sorry.) There are a lot of areas where I've let fear in and have pulled back from Him. Most of those areas have been about as successful as the finances. Especially relationships. I've grown very afraid of being hurt and put up some of the same old walls I had up in my early teens. It's working about as well as it did then. :s

I gotta get over this bad trend.....

end of drama

At last after weeks of practicing we have finished the drama (still unnamed) I mentioned last week. It was fun working on it with everyone, but it's a relief to be done with all the practicing.

Playing a demon was also way harder than I expected. I've played bad people in dramas before, but trying to be purely evil was very tiring. Like the mental kind of tired where you're exhausted but then can't sleep when you lay down.

Today though, since we didn't have enough actors, I got to do a quick costume change after the angles ran us off and come back as a dancer rejoicing in Jesus' resurrection.

passover

Immanuel Fellowship celebrated the passover tonight. I'm not sure when the actual passover was this year but today worked so we did. We ate it like they did in Leviticus, not with all the traditions with which the modern Jews have incorporated. I think I like the modern version better with all the little added traditions because every time I learn more about their history, but this was fun too.

After dinner we had a dramma that we've been working on for a couple of weeks. It tells the story of the redemption of humanity. The drama starts with creation, goes through the fall, shows some of the pain and slavery of sin, listens in on a conversation between God and Jesus right before he goes to earth, and sees Jesus crusified. Well, that's only the first half, we're showing the rest on Easter morning.

It's kind of an amazing little drama. We only had a cast of thirteen to represent God, Jesus, Satan, angels, demons, and all of humanity. It mixes a few speaking parts, video, mime, dance, and a cool sound track. Jenn, Joel, and Brianna have done a great job making it happen.

As a church we've been praying for this night. We invited a lot of people to come see it since it does a good job communicating what Jesus came and died for. (And people are more willing to come to church around Easter.) A lot of the people we invited are not Christians. Many are comming back to see the second half next Sunday.

1st green

I went snowboarding today with Stephanie. She's a very good snowboarder and has been teaching me. She is Swiss/French and speaks very little English, and I speak even less French. So she tells me what to do in French and demonstrates then I, not understanding a word of it, just try to copy her movements. It's fun. :p

She took me on my first green today. (I've been boarding twice before but didn't have much time on either ocaision.) It was waaay steeper than the bunny hill. I fell down so much that I bruised both knees right through the knee pads I was wearing. But I also got to the point where I could just ride and ride without falling for a long time. Quite a feat when you consider how hopelessly klumsy I can be. I'm happy....and my arms are sore from catching so many falls. :s :)

april showers & carrots

Today is April 1st. As we all know (though I can't remember why), April showers bring May flowers. Summit county did have it's first April shower of the month today. However it was a snow shower, so I'm not expecting flowers anytime soon. I'm happy though, I like snow. :D

Anyway, enough about snow and non-existent May flowers. Onward to the next subject of this post: carrots. I went to a carrot party tonight. Right about now you must be thinking that this is an April-Fool's post but in fact all that I'm writing is true, strange as it may seem. I'm having an odd day. So this friend from work, Brett is celebrating his vegan anniversary. He's been eating "rabbit food" for a whole year now. In honor of the occasion he had a party, a carrot party. Every thing was made of carrots, carrot juice, carrot soup, carrot hummus, and carrot bread were all on the menu. Though it sounds quite crazy it was pretty good.

However, that's not the best part of it. The best was that my idea for the dessert was the big hit of the night. Granted, without the culinary skills of the Vegan Man it never would've happened, but still my crazy idea. The crazy idea that everyone loved? Carrot ice-cream. I know it sounds quite nasty but it was amazing. One of the better flavors I've tasted. So if ever you are faced with the option of having carrot-flavored ice-cream do not follow your instinct to run. Stay and try it, you may be pleasantly surprised.

french dinner

Immanuel Fellowship had a French dinner tonight. Marie and Judy organized it and it turned out lovely and very fun.

All the people who are taking French so that they can get around in France when we go in May were waiters. We all wore white shirts and black pants, very professional looking, just like so many of the restaurants in Paris. I think Marie did a pretty good job recreating just a little of the feel of a French restaurant. We even gave people a quick lesson in French etiquette, which ironically turned out to be my job. White table cloths, good food, candle light, and …... translation cards.

Here’s the fun part: all the tables needed French/English translation cards. None of the waiters spoke any English or Spanish. So everyone was required to order their meals, make requests, and say thank you in French. It was hilarious! I had the privilege of being a waitress and using my poor French. I absolutely refused to speak either English or Spanish to my bi-lingual table so they just had to figure out what I was saying and use their translation cards as best they could. It was crazyness! Not that anyone at my table could tell, but I tried to say everything right and I think I did a good job. Hmmm…is this the beginning of a career as a French waitress?

baby shower

Marie and I went to a baby shower in Colorado Springs today. Marie and I were pitifully late, like an hour. Neither of us had ever driven to Colorado Springs before. Rachel, a girl we've been friends with for a few years is having a boy. I actually haven't seen her much since she moved to Hawaii to live with her parents about three years ago. It was good to catch up a little.

sweet 18?

So today I achieved something that no other person has and I deserve a prize. I attended all three of my little sister's birthday parties. Yes, I know, I have three little sisters so it's no big deal right? Wrong. All these parties that I've been going to were all in honor of Joanie who turned eighteen today. She's had a party every Saturday for the last three weeks, it's been great. First she had a chick flick movie party, then a snowmobiling party, and now a swimming party.

Now why does this girl get three 18th birthday parties? Well, let me tell you. First of all she's just that super kind of person that has the friends and the popularity to pull off three different parties. At every party she had a completely different set of friends, I'm the only person who made it to more than one. I'm jealous. She's agreeable, easy to get along with, our arguments stay fun and happy, and she's so witty that her sense of humor frequently leaves me in helpless laughter. Joanie's also very sensitive to the pain of others; she's quite sweet when she's not being totally sassy. Obviously this is one of my favorite people to be with. Other people must think so too, very clever.

why do i care?

The last few months I've been challenged with a question: Why do I care? I'm not being cynical or cheeky here....well, trying not to be.

I guess a few friends don't seem too interested in being my friend anymore. I'm trying, in my own little introverted way to keep things up, but I feel a bit alone and unnoticed in my efforts. I am frustrated, I'm discouraged, and I feel like I'm so uncool that it's contagious. Hence the nagging question, why do I care?

Why do I care about the people around me? Do I genuinely love them and want to be friends? Or am I only in it for me? Do I only want them to come see a movie with me because it's lame to go alone, or do I really want to be with that person? Am I striving to be friends so that I can give to others or so that I can get? Do I invite friends in to my life for their sake or mine? Am I only friends with people to boost my own ego? Are people just numbers by which I measure my own success? Why am I trying?

The answers? I don't know. I think part of the problem is I don't feel like I have much of anything to offer.

i finally admit it

Somewhere in the last two weeks I have finnally decided to admit it. I don't want to be a nurse anymore. I haven't for awhile, but I'm just now deciding to face the fact that I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Zippo.

ice climbing

I know I'm late in posting, my ice climbing class ended Sunday. However, I couldn't write anything about it because my hands hurt from gripping the picks. I had no idea that a single sport could make so many muscles sore all at the same time. ;)

It was such a fun class. Thursday we went to the gym to learn to belay (basically catch the climber if they fall). Having never rock climbed I found it slightly hard to believe that with only a few tools I could catch a man falling off the gym's rock wall. The teacher proved I can by making me catch him after he climbed up and let go. That night I was also allowed to climb. Yikes. I discovered that I am more afraid of heights than I thought and that don't really trust the rope to catch me. I went and told my friend that I had climbed all the way up a rock wall for the first time. She waved it off and told me that I had only climbed the easy one. ehh....

With that pride check in mind I went to our all-day class on Saturday quite afraid that the whole thing would be one big flop. We hiked up to Chalk Creek Falls, a lovely frozen water fall in the middle of nowhere. I was awed by the beauty of it. Much to my dismay the ladies first rule was applied. It actually turned out way easier than the bit of rock climbing I did in the gym. Once I had climbed high enough to be on the vertical part, where it was too steep to hold snow, I could see through the ice I was on. It was thick but clear as glass and I could see water still rushing beneath. It was so beautiful I had to stop climbing and just stare at it. I also went up a second time and repelled down.

The second day didn't go as well for me. We went to the teacher's house where he has his own 70-foot ice wall (twice as tall as Saturday). It too was lovely, a thick tower of bluish ice with the winter sun shining through it. It also had a cave inside which reminded me of a fairly tale. However, this ice was either vertical or overhung making it much harder. My arms were already sore from the day before and after about four tries I had to stop. All of us fell so many times; it was kinda funny. Yet some of the guys did really well and could get up the whole tower. I realized their secret only after I was too burned-out to climb any more. They trusted the rope and the belayor to catch them. I wasted a lot of energy because I climbed as if no one would catch me if I fell. They guys who made it to the top also didn't stop no matter how many times they fell. The rope didn't allow them to fall far and so they'd stick their tools right back in the ice and keep going. I acted as if the rope's mercy were limited to a three falls you're out basis. Hmmm, I think I hear an analogy about trust in there somewhere......

Anyway this post is getting long, and is sadly without pictures. No worries, I'm hoping to get some up in a week or so. Oh, and we all got A's. :D

single awareness day

Happy single awareness day! This is a wonderful day of the year….especially if you’re single…..especially if you live in the United States where every obscure holiday is over-commercialized to the point of being obnoxious. By the end of the day you’re ready to say “bah humbug” the next married person who wishes you a “Happy Valentine’s Day.” I so wanted to make fun of the guy who was desperate enough to ask me out while I was shopping for dinner in the grocery store but I felt a twinge of pity so I made a dumb excuse instead.

Despite my scrooge-like attitude I had a good day. Work was nice and calm. I ate chocolate. I got together with some friends to pray. I suppose also got every single girl’s dream for the evening…..

That’s right I spent Valentine’s evening not with one but six athletic, single guys my age. Turns out I’m the only girl in my college who wanted to take Beginning Ice Climbing this semester. :s Petite little me with no climbing experience in an ice climbing class with seven guys (one married) who can all already at least rock climb. What was I thinking? Can anyone say awkward?

Oh, well. I seem to enjoy jumping in slightly over my head. This will be interesting…..

happy 19

Today is Jacque's 19th birthday. Her last year of teenagerhood. :0 :0 She had a great birthday party last night with all her fellow teenmaniacs. Someone else's mom threw her and her daughter a party. A couple of weeks ago she also got her hair cut short. She's sooo cute. :D :D

Today we also finally finished the redecoration of the prayerroom. The housechurch that meets on Thursdays came to help. We probably wouldn’t be done yet if it wasn’t for all their help. It looks so good. Unfortunately, I don’t have any pictures just yet, but I'm very tired now. I’ll try to get some up later. :D

luther

A bunch of people got together and watched the movie Luther tonight, the movie about Martin Luther. I really like this movie. I like studying the people in history who did things totally unprecedented. Their courage is so admirable whether they are a scientist, inventor, social worker, reformer, or missionary. They stand facing an impossible wall of what’s never been done before, they count the cost of change, and they go for it despite the doubt.

I especially like Martin Luther. He could’ve been killed for what he believed. When he was on trial for heresy he was told to recant. His answer was unless you can prove to me, from the scriptures, that I have erred I will not recant. Here I stand, I can do no other. That’s one of my favorite lines in history: “Here I stand, I can do no other.”

As I watched Luther with my friends I noticed something interesting. The movie was not made by a Christian film company. They did their research well, and the story was pretty accurate, but it’s the way they portrayed Martin as a priest that impressed me.

When Martin accepts the position he’s struggling with his faith. While he’s there he studies the Bible and his faith comes alive. Meanwhile as a priest he does his best to help those entrusted to him. He tenderly helps the poor and those who are either confused about God or trapped by religious fears. Loving people and seeking the truth are more important to him than the traditions of his time. He also preaches hope and freedom to people who’ve been caught in a performance-oriented religion. He also will not compromise what he believes even when faced with death. Yet Martin struggles just like anyone; he’s not a perfect saint.

I’m thinking, is this the Christianity that the world is looking for? Honest hunger for truth, no compromise, sincere love for everyone including those who make mistakes, a gentle confidence when speaking the truth, and a message of hope rather than of condemnation? Is that what the world wants? This really isn’t the “relevancy” that much of the church seems to strive for. His stand was that of no compromise. However, there is love, understanding, hope, and sensitivity that cut through any barrier.

Interesting, I read so much talk in the church on how to be relevant. Maybe the world doesn’t want relevance. Maybe it just wants sincerity, gentleness, truth, hope, and love. Really, that’s the heart of what we should be anyway.

crazy week

Ok, this week has been rather insane at work and so I would like to tell the world. It's been an exciting week at work. Now since I work at a children's clinic excitement would be a bad thing. A very, very bad thing

Monday: The morning was packed, every available appointment was taken. Dr. Chris however, never turns down a sick child. So at the beginning of our lunch we saw a three week old baby that was sick. Brett, the nurse's assistent, went to check the baby in. He noticed that the baby had turned grey and was barely moving. He got the nurse. That baby's oxygen was at 64! (For those of you who don't know, brian damage can happen when it get's as low as 90.) So they put the baby on oxygen, discovered it had RSV (same aweful thing I had last couple of weeks, very dangerous in kids that young) and called an ambulance to take the baby boy to the Children's Hospital in Denver. As soon as they left we had a head injury on an eleven year old boy come in. He had somehow managed to smack himself in the head with a shovel. How he accomplished this I can only guess. The mom said his eye dialated but it fortunately wasn't as seirous as she thought. Then we got a call that the ambulance with that baby had turned around before it got to Denver, which means that something went majorly wrong. We were all worried and praying because we thought that the baby was going to die.

Tuesday: Also very full. We found out that the baby lived and that after bringing it back to our hospital to stableize it they finally took it to the hospital in Denver. It's now in ICU (intensive care unit) on a ventelator (breathing machine) they don't yet know when that baby will be out. If you think of it pray for that family, for that little baby to get all the way better, they are new parents and probably quite freaked out, and ventelators are very expensive. About lunch today we had another injury walk in. A seven year old boy slipped on the ice, cracked his nose and punctured his lip. Yikes, there was a good bit of blood so we moved things around to get him in right away.

Wednesday: We saw 29 people in five hours. I was at work from 8h - 19h. It was crazyness and insanity times five. RSV, flu, and a nasty little stomach bug, have hit Summit pretty hard this year. RSV is more contageous than the flu if that gives you any idea. Half the church has had it this month. The first hour we were open we had to see eight people in an hour. (We only have four rooms so four people in an hour is considered busy, but Chris never turns down a sick kid.) The first three kids who came in all tested positve for RSV (extra nasty chest cold and a few other yucky symtoms), one we sent to the hospital and the other two got brething treatments and oxygen. All this respitory stuff is made much worse for the little kids when you throw in the fact that we are at 9,000 feet above sea level and there's less oxygen in the air so more kids require oxygen when they get sick.

Usually I work to the sounds of angry/hurt screams in the background of kids who do NOT want to get shots. Having grown up in a daycare my mom ran I'm pretty good at consentrating with a high noise level. This week the background noise at the clinic has been totally different. It's much quieter. The children don't feel well enough to scream at the sight of the doctor. It's all the most pitiful noises children can make. Weak, half-hearted crying, coughing, wet coughing, dry coughing, very weak coughing, and a lot of bad wheezing. It makes me want to cry.

very happy

I just finished my first art class for this semester! I've wanted to be an artist as long as I can remeber. Art Class has always been my favorite. However, having homeschooled most of my life I haven't had much opportunity to. Very sad. :( But now I'm taking art for a whole semester and each class lasts three hours. I'm so happy I could bounce off the walls! This class is going to be so cool. First upon looking at everyone else's work I have discovered that they are all better than me. I'll be way more challenged in this class than usual. (Usually I'm at the top and my pride gets stroked a lot which causes it to undertake spasmotic growth spurts, not good.) Also, we can work on whatever we want, in whatever media. So I can just do whatever I want and get feedback from a room full of people more talented than me. This is exciting. The teacher will help me get better at whatever I want to get better at. Oh the posibilities, and only one semester!

**floats away on happy cloud

story of grace

Today begins a new chapter in what I hope someday we will all look back on as a story of grace. Today a brother and a sister who left Immanuel Fellowship over a year ago due to a lot relational problems that were piling up came back. It's been quite tense between them and a lot of people. Today they came and he got up and apologized for the way he'd hurt some people and said that they want to be a part again. They've looked but haven't found any other chruch that is like a family. Mike called the man's wife up front as well. He was hugging them and about to pray for the couple but he never got the chance. Erick put his gutar down and stepped off the stage to give them a wlecoming hug. Pat, Todd, and Tammy were right behind him. Then suddenly most of the people in the church (everyone who knew them) went to the front to join in what had spontaneously become a group hug. Lots of crying and welcoming words. We've missed them. God please let this be a story of grace on all our parts. Heal the hurts on both sides. Give us the grace to forgive all and love freely again.

Patty & Justin

Today is the wedding of two of my friends, Patty and Justin. (Hence the title of today's post.) It was a nice little wedding, sort and sweet with a long reception afterwards. The extra cool part was that Patty's older brother Bobby got to preform the ceremony and prononce them man and wife. He was so excited to do it and said all these great big-brotherly things to both of them. Then the parents came up to pray for the new couple. It was sweet.


P.S. It's an odd thing being a single twenty-something. I'm that age where all my friends seem to be getting married. I'm losing count. Not that it really makes me want to rush out and get married any time soon. It's just odd.

oops

I think I screwed up my html with that map. Oh well, maybe it'll get better on it's own. :p

my map

Look what I found on Gordon's blog. It's so cool. Go make your own, it's fun. ;)



create your own visited countries map
or vertaling Duits Nederlands

failed

I’ve been sick this week. I got sent home from work, and I’m still not well enough to go back yet. Whatever I have leaves me wired so that I can’t get to sleep very easily. It’s been a good time to read.

For Christmas I got a book called Safely Home. It’s a fictional book about two roommates who are reunited in China after 20 years. The American has become a successful businessman, the other returned to China and gave up his dreams so that he could serve Jesus there. The book is very well researched and it’s one of those that’s very hard to put down. I’m beginning to think I should have put it on my seven best books list I made a few days ago.

At the same time it’s kind of a painful read for me. It’s already made me cry twice and I‘m little over half-way through. (I can count on one hand the books that have made me cry.) When I was a teen I read the book Jesus Freaks, a collection of true stories of people who’ve died for their faith. It inspired me to want to give everything for Jesus, even to be willing to die. I knew that as a Westerner it was not very likely that I would ever be on the wrong end of a gun with someone commanding me to deny Jesus. I knew it was unlikely that I would ever be beaten or see any of my friends killed for Jesus’ name. Unlikely, but not impossible. Yet even if I never faced such a test I prayed for the love to be able to. After all, Jesus said that the greatest commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. If that kind of love is impossible for a Westerner who may never face such tests, than God wouldn’t have asked it. He asked it, so there must be a way even in the relative safety of my country. It was one of my most frequent prayers.

If the last couple years have been a test than I’ve failed miserably. I have lost for taking a stand and choosing not to be swayed or turned from where I feel God has called me to be. Have I lost everything? There have been moments of self-pity where I have thought so. In reality, no I have not come near to losing everything. Some relationships have changed or been lost which has hurt. Looking back I have not been the hero I had spent so much time praying I’d be. I have not suffered loss joyful to be worthy of suffering for Jesus. About as far as you could go in the opposite direction actually. I haven’t quit or run away, but that’s God’s doing, not mine. It’s been a very discouraging discovery that I would not have what it takes.

However, the book is also very encouraging. The Chinese man, Li Quan, was the son of an illegal pastor. He too faced a test and failed. His father was imprisoned and killed for his faith, his mother died in an earthquake. He became an atheist. Amazingly he gets the opportunity to go to college in America where his roommate is a Christian. Li Quan is reunited with the Jesus his parents gave all to serve. He goes back to China after college and is imprisoned many times for his faith. Speaking of Quan someone in the book states that, “Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward. But properly learned, the lesson forever changes the man.” Though Li Quan’s actions are heroic in my book, he is scared when he’s about to be beaten and he never claims to be a brave man. He is human. Though he still feels the guilt of abandoning his parents as they suffered, he does his best with his second chance. If you asked Quan if he has what it takes to face the persecution he faces, he would proabably say no. He'd say that it's Jesus who keeps him going. Li Quan failed but the world didn't end there and so I’ll be praying that prayer again.....

giving blood

Today I gave blood. It's only the second time I've done it. I like donating blood. It's fun and I get to be someone's hero, what more could a girl ask for on a beautiful Saturday afternoon? :p

It took me less than ten minutes to give a pint of blood. The woman said my bleeding speed was a steady nine on a scale of one to nine. I'm proud of my skills.

......must be why it hurt so much more this time. :(

seven

things to do before I die

1. go to Antarctica
2. live in London
3. learn to speak with a proper British accent
4. successfully smuggle Bibles
5. learn to speak French
6. go on a medical mission trip
7. go to Alaska

things I cannot do

1. be somewhere I don’t feel wanted
2. focus for more than five minutes
3. trust a guy who has a crush on me
4. speak French understandably
5. stay calm when I’m really excited
6. watch people hurt other people
7. drink coffee and like it

things I say most often

1. go away! (while laughing)
2. I don’t know
3. grrrrr
4. boys! arg.....
5. we can take my car
6. brilliant
7. I’m sorry, could you repeat that, I quit paying attention there.....

books I love

1. the Bible
2. Till we Have Faces
3. A Tale of Three Kings
4. Quo Vidas
5. A Chance to Die
6. Red Moon Rising
7. The Vision

movies I could watch over and over

1. Narnia
2. The Runaway Bride
3. Batman Begins
4. Chicken Run
5. Starwars
6. The Neverending Story
7. X-Men

people to do this next

1. Jacque

I can’t think of anyone else who hasn’t already done this.....

New Year

Today I moved into my new room. I'm still at the Simon's house but no longer in the laundry room. Now I have a real bedroom with a lock on the door and windows. I have a bathroom and access to the kitchen. Good way to start the new year.

And what about 2005? It was an incredibly hard year for me. It's easy to look at the negatives but I need to make some space for the good. They say you learn a lot through hard times. What did I learn? Hmmmm.....

• I finished reading through the Bible for the second time. It's amazing how much just reading the Bible helps; even when there are no great flashes of revelaton there's still something there.
• "For He [God] knows our frame, He remembers that we are but dust." - Psalm 103:14. I think I'm am slowly learning this one. God does not expect me to be a super-saint. He knows that I am human, weak, dust, and He is not up there demanding what I am incapeable of giving.
• "I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have drawn you with loving kindness." - Jeremiah 31:3 I think I understand this verse on a much deeper level as well. God's love is everlasting. A song we used to sing says "Your love is deeper than my view of grace, higher than this worldly place, longer than this road I travel, wider than the gap You've filled." I can never run out of it. Funny, this time last year I was so sure I was on the edge of running out of love and mercy. Betsie ten Boom said, "There is no pit so deep that His love is not deeper still." Jesus stands above all gods in that He alone has the power to come to us and hold us no matter where we are; all other gods are too weak, they require us to come to them.
• "For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may recieve mercy and find grace to help in time of need." - Hebrews 4:15-16. One of my friends has reminded me of this a few times. Even when no one else understands Jesus understands. He walks with me and fells my pain every bit as intensly as I do. He holds me and crys with me like no one else ever could.
• "You have taken account of my wanderings; put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?" - Psalm 56:8. It's very hard for me to cry. Somehow I've learned to think it's an aweful, shameful thing. People used to laugh at me a lot when I was little and would cry. Then I learned not to let people see it. This year I've learned that God doesn't scoff at my pain. It's precious to Him. I'm free to cry with God.
• Jesus is the "author and perfecter" of my faith, not me (Hebrews 12:2). It's not my job to force spiritual maturity out of myself. I'm still trying to figure this one out. Where's the ballance between laziness and trying to be the potter? How do I let Jesus be author and still do my part? I am thinking that not as much of it is up to me as I thought.
• I think I've also learned to rely on the friends God has put in my life and admit my own weakness more.

Not that I'm all that great at any of these things. They're just areas I'm begging to see changes in. Hopefully it keeps going.