chasing the sunrise?

Why have I named my blog "chasing the sunrise?" It's kinda off of a picture I've always had of what it's like to be a Christian.

Once I was in darkness, and all the light was fake and temporary. Then one day I saw the sunrise and knew there was more to life than me. Irresistibaly drawn I began to chase the sunrise. The beautiful thing about chasing the sunrise is that it comes towards me faster than I can run after it. And so though on my way I may have to run down into a valley or two and my path may take me into the shadow of a hill, we are always coming closer and closer to one another. My hope of seeing the full beauity of day cannot fail.

love

Can love go on?
When such a history haunts me?
My mind's been trained
The wounds still hurt

Can love remain?
You hurt me afresh
Stretched beyond my ability
Weary and weak, nothing left

Can love endure?
The battles you make me fight
How lonely I feel with you
The weight of secrets I hide

Can love last?
We both strain for the feeling
You don't give me what I need
Can I be what you need?

I've run out of my own
Long ago I was no longer able
wishing I could, knowing I can't
How long do I fight this trap?

God, You are the only pure source
The fountain that will not run dry
Take my weak love away
Give me what only You can give

With Your love I can give
No rewards for my labor
I can go on despite the past
I will endure through all

Your love will remain, keep it in me
I've got to learn to give this away
Got to learn the steady love
Teach me in this sharp land of pain

more classes

I started a couple more classes this week: Spanish and French. I think these are my favorite classes this semester. They will also be the most challenging and have the most homework. I guess learning a language requires more work.

keep me...

"For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it. And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." ~ Romans 8:24-28

"Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen." ~ Jude 1:24,25

What do I hope to see God do? I have a pretty long list of things I'd like to see happen in my life and the lives around me. It's easy for me to get discouraged when I see nothing happen, or worse, when I see the opposite happen.

In Spanish the word for hope is espirar. It means two things: to hope and to wait. It makes sense in that verse, "...for who hopes for what he already sees?" Sometimes though you come to a point of realization though. You realize that you've been trying to hard to be a hero and that what you are waiting for may never come. I have recently come to one of those points, it's not fun. I've been holding onto some hopes for too long and trying too hard. I think there's a point when you need to just let go of it because it's become a chain. Does that mean you stop hoping? I'm not sure, but I don't think so. Maybe you just put it aside, admit you tried and failed, and let the situation be what it's been. Keep peace as much as possible, but don't break your neck trying to change something that won't be changed. Just let it go to God, if He decides to change it fine, if not then it must be for the better somehow anyway.

And God does work all things for our good if we allow it. Even with all the messy human freewill and one's choices hurting another. Even in terrible injustice God's hand is not too weak, His creativity not so limited that He cannot find or create a way to make any situation work out for good. Sometimes looking back at my rather short life of twenty years I am awed by how God used situations that at the time seemed like they would be forever and hopelessly crippling to my walk with God. Amazingly they weren't. Hard yes, I wouldn't repeat them, but because of the value they've had in causing me to grow closer to God I would not trade them for anything. I've been called and God has a purpose in calling me. How could I ever think He wouldn't come in power to cause even dashed hopes to bring me closer to Him and train me to better carry our His purposes for me? Somehow I manage it. However He's teaching me trust. If a year ago I had gone through what I'm going through now I would've freaked out. A lot of people are also praying for me right now, which is probably a pivotal part of my not totally freaking right now. Maybe I'm learning to let go of the control and just trust that if God wants to make my dashed hopes reality He will, in His time. Till then all my best efforts are useless.

Sometimes when something hard happens in my life, or when I see a fear coming up on the horizon, I get worried that I won't be able to handle it. That is also one my biggest fears when I see a friend going through a hard time: that they will stumble and fall under the pressure. However, God's been showing me largely through my time in the prayer room, that it's not me that keeps my feet on the path. God is the one who keeps me. I've committed myself to Him. He shook heaven and earth to provide a way for me to be saved through His only Son. Will He easily let me fall once He's won my heart and I've begun to follow Him? That's ridiculous, of course not. He will keep me from falling. He will keep my friends who've committed themselves to Him from falling. He will make us "stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy." God is showing me that through the ups and downs I face in my relationship with Him, during the good and the bad times, He is in control and is working to accomplish His purposes in and through me. He will not let me fall far.

Sorry about the super long post. I just needed to sort through some of the things God has been teaching me lately. Now if only I could keep these lessons learned.....

peace

"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful." ~ Colossians 3:15

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 4:6,7

Peace, it's a hard won state of being. Seems kinda rare; even among Christians. What's stopping us? I don't know, I can never fugure out what stops me from living in that kind of peace. I think I have figured out that it's not me that does it, it's the "peace of Christ." I've been learning that it's all Jesus who puts His peace inside of me. If I try to do it I just get uptight. I'm also seeing the meaning of peace that surpasses all comprehension in a new way. I never understood it before the past two days. I've seen it now and I still don't understand it.

It's peace in the middle of the raging storm,
peace so deep that it's strong and unshakeable,
peace that completely contradicts the circumstances,
peace so calm you could curl up and fall asleep in it no matter what,
peace that allows you to stand and fight any battle fearlessly,
peace which lets you run with endurance beyond yourself,
peace so easy to keep because it keeps you,
peace with only One possible source.....

leaders' retreat

I got back from a retreat Tuesday (yes I know I'm behind, but access to a computer is quite limited these days) that Immanuel Fellowship had for the housechurch leaders.

The first night, Sunday, was kind of hard for me. I didn't feel like I belonged there, almost everyone else was older, more mature, had walked with God longer, and are just generally more experienced at leading. However as I watched everyone worship, God told me that really all of us feel that way. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. If we don't let it cripple us, then remembering how unfit we are for the job keeps us dependent on God. Actually, it's a lot better than thinking you know it all, doing it without God's help, and then screwing it up really badly. So I feel inadequate, I am, but God has called me to help lead this housechurch so I guess He must have a way to use me.

Monday we talked about vision. The way Mike illustrated it was as a pyramid. On the bottom level is Biblical Discipleship, basically living the life that Jesus lived and talked about. Next is Biblical Church Life, this is where everyone who is learning to live like Jesus learns among other things, to forgive, serve, and love each other like Jesus. The third and final level is Effective Ministry. As one level grows so do all the others, and each provides a foundation for the next. We talked about this last fall but somehow this time lights went on in my head, whereas before it didn't mean much for some reason. We also talked about effective follow-up of visitors, caring for the people in our housechurch, and discipling them. There are a lot of areas I need to work on to become a better housechurch leader.

Monday night God spoke something entirely off the subject of the retreat to me. It's really good that He does that sometimes. I've struggled a lot with jealousy toward some people who are very close to me. The last thing I wanted was for my jealousy to hurt them in any way. So in an attempt to protect them I've started trying to pull back whenever I feel it. (Or maybe I'm not that noble, maybe I just didn't want to feel bad so I back away.) Well God showed me that what I'm doing is not good. I need to pray for a heart that can be genuinely thankful that others have what they have. The only way for me to get it is to pray, I'm not that sweet on my own.

The retreat ended Tuesday. Over all it was a huge blessing and a good time to rest. The place we stayed was beautiful. God was really speaking to me but if I wrote it all here this post would be monster sized. It's already long, so I guess I've said enough.

quirks

Like any older car, mine has a few quirks. It leaks through the floor and every window - including the sunroof. The leaking sunroof was a real pain until my dad fixed it, it dripped right on me whenever it rained. It shakes between 65 and 70 mph. On top of this it leaks break fluid; I've become very proficient at changing the break fluid. Monday I discovered a new quirk: the speedometer doesn't work. However this quirk is kinda fun, I look down at the speedometer and it reads 115. However the shaking tells me I'm only doing, like, 70. When I first discovered this I burred the speedometer at 132, just to say I've done it. ; )