Emmanuel - God with us

“From the squalor of a borrowed stable,
By the Spirit and a virgin’s faith
To the anguish and the shame of scandal
Came the Savior to the human race….”

This is a Christmas song that Immanuel Fellowship sings. It goes through the entire life of Jesus, “King of Heaven now the friend of sinners, humble servant in the Father’s hands.” The song goes as far as His death, “He fights for breath, He fights for me,” and even to His second coming, “But the skies will part as the trumpet sounds.”

I think this is my favorite Christmas song. Though, I can’t remember all the words, I tried to give a good picture of it. I like it because so many songs we sing focus only on the baby in a manger yet this one goes through His whole life and purpose to save us.

This year I’ve really been struck by God’s passion to save humanity. Just the fact that He came to earth humbly, as a child shows His love. God could’ve come any way He wanted but He came as a servant. I don’t know why but this Christmas for the first time it’s struck me how much more gentle and loving it was of God to come humbly and live among us rather than sweeping down in a chariot of fire and showing us His glory in an unmistakable way.

It so awesome, because He’s God so He already knows everything, I’m sure that included knowing what it’s like to be human. However, He loves us enough to actually want to experience it with us. My favorite part of the song says, “Yes He walked my road and He felt my pain, joys and sorrows that I know so well; yet His righteous steps give me hope again – I will follow my Emmanuel.”

new ring

So back in May I got a ring to remind myself of several promises God made me while in Annecy. I've been surprised how much that little piece of metal has helped me remember what God has spoken to me. It's become rather like a security blanket, something that I take off and twiddle with or just look at when I'm feeling weak and scared that God has changed His mind.

Well in the last seven months some of those promises have been fulfilled in ways I didn't really have the courage to hope for at the time. (Not all of them are all the way yet but more than enough to be sure that God is going to finish it.) Only one remains....but that one will take awhile.

I recently broke my little ring. (***cries a tear) Yesterday my sisters Jacque (she's back from Texas again!) and Joanie, my cousin Marie, and I went shopping at a mall near Marie's house. I decided to buy a new ring as my finger has felt naked these last few days without one. I picked out a pack of five rings all tied together that had one I liked that fit me. Jacque decided she liked three of the others and tried one on. It stuck. My poor sister stood there in that store and worked and worked but to no avail. The ring was stubborn. My sister was thoroughly stuck, probably for life.

Well, since I was going to buy them anyway I comforted her with the fact that we wouldn't have to steal them. We went to the register and the kind girl rung up the rings - right on her hand. Then she was so nice as to cut the string holding them all together so that Jacque would only have to wear the one that was stuck rather than all of them.

She managed to get the ring off when we got back to the house. I'm glad we didn't have to amputate it, but probably not as glad as Jacque is. Anyway, I have a new ring to remember what God has spoken to me and is doing in my life. Jacque got her rings to work as well. Happy ending. :p

narnia

I just saw Narnia for the second time this week. I've read the book several times (I'm losing count) and they did a good job sticking to the original story. Even better, they did a fantastic job maintaining the heart and message that comes across in the book. Rather than downplay, most of the little changes highlighted what a traitor Edmund was and therefore they also highlighted the sacrifice of Aslan.

The characters were all amazingly cast. I've seen several attempts to make The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe into a movie. One of them I had to shut it off after about ten minutes because it was so awful. Usually Aslan's a small puppet or he's got a rather nasal and wimpy sounding voice. The kids are all the wrong ages or look like they just dropped out of the 70's not the 1940's during WWII. Every one of them were about the age the book implies and looking like they lived in 1940's England. They all kept the characters of the book, they even looked the way I've always imagined them. (Well except the witch I always imagined her looking a bit more like Cher. Though I thought the woman who did it played her well.) The character of Edmund, his treachery, and his salvation were excellently done. Aslan was big, strong, gentle, and wild. (That line in the book about Aslan being wild and untameable but incredibly good at the same time has hugely influenced the way I've thought about God since I read the book when I was fifteen.) The witch was just as awful and even trickier than I imagined her.

Ooooo, I want to go read all the Narnia books again and I can't wait till it comes out on movie!

it's over

Hooorah! Biology class is over. I took the last test today. I think I did well, I hope it was good enough to cover the bad grades I got on another couple of tests. :S I guess I'll find out in a few weeks. Anyway, next semester I'm taking art and ice climbing classes. It's supposed to be a very busy season for the clinic.

i'm 22 for a moment

Today is one of my favorite days of the year. Usually on December 13th I have a birthday….actually so far it’s never failed to come. ;) I am now twenty-two and I like the sound of it. Maybe I've lost some maturity between this year and last; I am way more excited about this birthday than I was about the last, and I hear that women older than twenty-one are supposed to dread their birthdays. Oh well, I’ll be immature; denial and lies can come later.

My birthday was kinda odd. First I worked but got off early. Then I went for a run and figured out that I can do mile in twelve minutes without racing. (I have never measured or timed myself before so I’m happy.) Then I went to biology class and forgot my homework. :s But the teacher is letting me turn it in next week. Finally I went home to watch Rabbit Proof Fence with the kids that live in my house and one of their friends. Only two other people were able to come and only one stayed for the movie because it’s finals week.

Crazy way to spend my day but that’s okay. I’m excited anyway. Glad to be alive and wondering what I’ll get to see God do in the next year. What will He do in me? Seems like there’s so much that needs to change in me. God’s on top of it. When He’s ready He will show me how. I’m so excited I want to run another mile or two, but it’s late and my guest took his time leaving so that will have to wait for another day.

victory

I had brekfast with Bill and Jerie, a couple who lead the Tueday night housechurch. I had a great time helping them make breakfast. I got the job of cooking some aweful turkey bacon. It was all of our first and last times eating turkey bacon. ;) Bill's pankakes were wonderful though and they more than made up for the bacon.

Now why am I talking about what we had for breakfast? So I can tell you something amazing and profound that Jerie said of course! :P (At least to me, maybe everyone else is smarter.) I mentioned how I don't feel like I'm where I want to be in my walk with God. Somehow she must have read my mind because this is waht she asked me: "What is victory?" She assumed a superhero pose with her arms raised valiantly above her head, "Is it da, da da daaa?" (At this point I'm thinking, Yes that's Christian victory.) "No, that's not victory." Jerie continued, seeming to answer my thoughts, "Victory in the Christian life is faithfulness. It's following Jesus no matter what."

That hits a bit hard. Like, I know the right answers. I know that you don't have to be a supersaint to be a Christian. Yet I live and think as if somehow I have to impress God with my spirituallity. It's so hard for me to just chill out and quit trying so hard to perform for Him.

the mission bell

Yesterday a random thought popped into my head, "Hmmm...... It's been awhile since Delirious? came out with an album." Since Isaac's not around to check these things for me anymore I decided to check their sight for myself. To my sheer delight I saw the new cover-design of The Mission Bell, their new album. I'm excited; Delirious? is my favorite group. Then today I noticed an e-mail from my friend Isaac, who's currently living in Paris, and there's a music file attached. I can't open it till my next trip to my parents' house, but I think it's the free down-load I saw on their sight.

odd mix

The girls in the family I live with wanted to learn how to make greeting cards with rubber stamps. This can be quite complex, if you’re creative about it. So today my family had them all over to their house (my mom has a gazoon of the necessary supplies) and I taught them how to do anything they could think of to make cards.

Then in a turn away from such girlyness we all, guys included, ate pizza watched Edward Scissorhands. Very strange movie. I think either it’s supposed to have a really, really deep meaning or the writer was totally wasted while he wrote it. Though I kinda liked it, I must admit that I suspect the later of the two options to be true.

God's Spirit

Two of my friends, Isaac and Dan have written about the charismatic gifts. Both posts are more than worth the read. They've made me think a lot. I need to do a bit of sorting-out here.

The first church I went to was my grandparents' Evangelical Free Church which my parents began to attend when my family moved in with my grandparents when I was three. Those types of churches were really the only ones my mom took my sisters and I to all through our many moves. I remember being quite bored and annoyed with being snapped at for being the figetty kid that I was (am).

Then when I was ten we moved to Colorado to stay. As usual we didn't know a soul but soon met a nice homeschool family who went to an altogether different kind of church. They were going to an Assemblies of God church in Summit County and Living Word Fellowship (the second met in our town on Thursday nights). They started taking my mom, sisters, and I. Both are Pentecostal churches but Thursdays were definitely more lively. Unlike the other places I'd been these people definitely believed that God is still active in the world. Suddenly church was interesting. They spoke in tongues, fell down when they were prayed for, jumped around while they sang, randomly shouted "Amen," prayed for healings rather than easy deaths (something that had really bothered me as a small child in other churches and I always refused to go along with despite what the adults said), and they believed that God would give them nice houses and expensive cars. My dad started coming to church with us and we were all baptized in the Holy Spirit.

I became much more interested in God. Suddenly He was so much closer and more accessible than ever before. When all the adults in the small Thursday church began reading through the Bible I joined them and loved it.....till I got to Chronicles and then the long genealogies sapped my determination. I joined an Assemblies of God girl's group in Grandby and kept at reading through the Bible.

It lasted about two years. My family went through a year where we were short on money so we couldn't drive the distances and my dad quit liking the pastor of the Thursday night church. So we started going to the Kremmling Community church (again) when I was thirteen. This church was almost fundamental, which was disturbing after being in the quite dogmatic pentacostal churches. What would happen to my young relationship with God in such a dry, lifeless church? I was really worried and asked God for some help.

It came through an older girl in my Sunday school class when I was fourteen. She had been on several Teen Mania mission trips and helped me get started going on a trip. Now, the extra interesting thing about all these church changes is that while I went to the Community church on Sunday with my parents that same homeschool dad was still taking my sisters and I to the girls' group at the Pentecostal church in Grandby. So I was going to two churches at the same time each saying confidently that the other was wrong. It was a very interesting time. I tried not to think too much, it made my brain hurt. :p

Then I went through something of a crisis. I came home from my first mission trip sky-high on pride. Of course I didn't take long to fall, and I did it hard. My family had also been going through a rough time financially for a few years which affected everything else in the house. The private school I had been going to moved to the other side of our large county in the middle of a year so I quit going and lost all my friends from there right after my fifteenth birthday. My parents decided they didn't want me hanging out with one of my other friends because her parents were scary. (In my parents' defense they really were scary.) The homeschool family that we had been friends with for so long suddenly went through a yucky divorce. My sisters and I watched close-up the breakdown of this family that had influenced us so much. The girl who had introduced me to Teen Mania left the church pregnant during her senior year. One way or another I lost every friend I had in a period of about a month and a half.

Very dark times, but they made me think. Without a friend to lean on, I took a much closer look at my two churches. My parents were not members of the Pentecostal church which caused my sisters and I to have a distinctly lower place in the girls' group. No one but my teacher from middle-school genuinely wanted me there. I was a number. People there gossiped and randomly told others that they would go to hell for their worldly acts like having a Little Mermaid watch. I went to the Community church's youth group, Sunday school, and Sunday service with my parents. Here I saw the exact same things: gossip, leagalism, condemnation, and cliques. The gossip forced my pregnant friend to leave. I was a geeky homeschooler/freshman with braces; the youth group didn't care that I existed. Again I was a number. I began to doubt it all. People who believed the prosperity gospel freaked out over their finances. People who obnoxiously prayed in the name of Jesus that God would take the "rebellious spirit of the devil" out of a cheeky kid couldn't seem to get it together enough to make their marriages last. Those that believed in miracles never asked for them without screaming their prayers as if God couldn't hear. I found myself very confused, cynical, and doubting God. I mistrusted Christians - especially traveling pastors who claimed the fire of God but didn't stick around long enough to let us see it in their lives. I'd glare them down when they offered to pray for me to be "Slain in the Spirit," a thing with I had never done and in my state of distance from God had no intention of doing. I didn't believe any of it anymore.

However, in order to keep up my perfect, innocent homeschooler image of flawless Christianity, I had applied and been accepted on a second mission trip. God let me know He was still real, and really interested in me a few weeks before I left and I began taking my questions to Him. On that trip I saw people healed. One boy was completely paralyzed on his left side. All his limbs were undersized and had barely a scrap of muscle on them, while his other side - still small - looked and functioned normally. Another group prayed for him but I saw the effects, he walked. The boy went home and got his mother and a lot of people prayed to give their lives to Jesus and filled out the little cards we gave them so that someone from a local church could follow-up with them. There was also a blind woman who received sight and a sick man was healed.

It's all very confusing. Since then my parents stated taking us to a more middle kinda church, Immanuel Fellowship, which believes that God works miraculously but doesn't obsess over signs and then they moved on while I have decided to stay here where I'm finally much more than a number. I have prayed for healing and both seen and not seen it. I've seen prayers I've prayed for my friends' hearts answered with more power than I had dared hope. A couple of people are almost completely different than they were five years ago when I and a few others really focused in prayer for them. Yet there are others who's lives and attitudes have only dramatically worsened as I've prayed. I've seen God use me in friends' lives and I've seen everything fall apart no matter how hard I try and how hard I pray. Seems like it's been a lot of the latter these last few years. I find myself discouraged and wondering what it is I'm looking for in all of this.

Dan talked about the Fruits of the Spirit, love, and how the miraculous gifts are named right along side and at equal standing with things like hospitality. (Gal. 5, 1 Cor. 12-14) After hearing Jesus warn the pharasies over and over that it's a wicked generation that seeks a sign (Matt. 16:4, Luke 11:29), why is it that we so often seek a sign to prove that God's Spirit is moving? Yet Jesus also said, "Truly, truly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do, he will do also; and greater works than these he will do; because I go to the Father." (John 14:12) I've often heard those of the Pentecostal persuasion saying that this means we will see the same miracles of physical healing and provision that Jesus did and even more. While I think that we can't just demand whatever, whenever and expect God to bend the entire universe just to give us our fancy of the moment. I do think that Jesus meant this words as much as He meant anything else He said to us. However, I think we've taken a very narrow view of it. Jesus didn't just perform miracles of physical healing. He loved sinners. He patiently discipled twelve young and largely uneducated men. He got up early to pray every day. He forgave sins. He forgave and loved the mob that crucified Him.

So, what is the point? Why does God sent His Spirit? Like Dan pointed out, the emphasis in the New Testiment seems to be on transformation rather than miraculous signs. The same seems to be true of the passages about the Holy Spirit. I may be wrong, but it seems like God is not as interested in sending His Spirit through signs as He is in sending Him through the miracle of transformation. I think we don't always see a transformed heart as a miracle. It's not very loud or flashy, and in most people it happens so slowly that it only visible in retrospect. Maybe it's just me, but that's always seemed more desperate and hopeless than the physical, obvious stuff.

I think that we seek the signs and wonders because they are easier. (Not that there's anything wrong with them in and of themselves.) They are easier because they're loud, we don't really have to be in tune to and listening to God to see what He's doing when He works through the overtly miraculous. It's a quick change and doesn't require the patience of the slow, frustrating transformations that the heart makes. When abused it's a quick way to win yourself a name in God's Kingdom and it's a cheap way to trick yourself into feeling close to God in the absence of a real relationship. Tongues can be faked and 1 Corinthians 13 says that they will pass away. Love however cannot be faked very long but it's permanent. Yet true love requires a deep change of heart and at times incredible sacrifice. It can be pretty painful and unglorious.

Not that it's an easy answer, but I was impressed buy a comment left on Isaac's blog by a man who calls himself "The Big Dog." He said, "I would posit that there might be a third explanation: [in answer to Isaac's two options for why we don't see the Spirit moving] What if God is still sending His Spirit, but He's sending Him (It?) in ways and places that we're not expecting or looking for, so consequently we assume He's not there. We miss what would be obvious if we were looking for it. The religious establishment of the day completely missed the import of Jesus' arrival and ministry because He didn't come in a way and in the time they were looking for. I think God and the Spirit are always at work, always on the move, always up to something - and I often miss most of it because I'm running on default systems and autopilot."

We make God small in our minds by our attempts to draw lines around Him and find the formula that makes it easy. It's so hard to accept that He is, as C. S. Lewis says in the Chronicles of Narnia, wild and untameable by us. We can't just trust that He does what feels best to us but what is best, even when it hurts terribly and doesn't make any sense. But how do you trust someone too big and wonderful to be nicely predictable? How do you walk beside Someone who is both the Lion and the Lamb? Who is capable of making Himself known both through the parting of the sea and a still, small voice? Someone who spoke the stars into existence and also lay helpless as a baby in the arms of a teenage girl? How do you begin to understand someone like that?

glenwood

I just got back from spending Thanksgiving in Glenwood with my extended family. It’s become a tradition the last six years. No one I know lives there, we all just go and stay in a hotel and eat Chinese. My aunt pays for my family.

I only stayed two nights this year. Everyone was there. I even got to see my Uncle John, some cute little cousins I don’t see often, and (**drum roll**) my sister Jacque! I got to pick her up from the airport and have lunch with her on the way.

While we were there our Uncle John (who really likes to spend money on his nieces and nephews) took the four oldest grandchildren to Aspen to shop. Jacque needs a formal dress for the graduations in January and August. We went to Gap first and he bought us all a few things.

Then we went to Christine Doir for the dress. A woman with a beautiful but implacable European accent greeted us at door. She showed us a few dresses; all of them too low cut or otherwise mature for my little sister. Then she took us out side to show us a dress in the window. It was way better, wine colored and quite elegant, imho.

The woman took us back inside and started showing us a dress magazine. She said that she was willing to take the dress down from the window, but only if Jacque really wanted it. “…because,” she said, “it is a princess dress, it costs $4,200.”

At this attempt to discourage my (**coughwealthycough**) uncle offended him. He brashly stated that he was paying for the dress and he would buy anything Jacque wanted. (Right here I must pause and explain that our family hasn’t always had enough money to buy food.) At Uncle John’s words my very snow-white sister paled. I hadn’t thought it was possible but it was clear she wanted nothing to do with a $4,200 “princess dress.”

After that store we looked through about a dozen others and found a whole lot or really expensive nothing. My Uncle got very frustrated, but the rest of us had fun.

For Thanksgiving dinner we went out to eat and had salmon. : 9

biology paper finished

I just emailed the biology paper that I've been working on for a month to my teacher. Our group of five picked me to do the job of cut/pasting five individual papers into one. I took the job without a fuss as penance for being the one to come up with our topic which everyone struggled with. :p

Even though it was a difficult subject, I'm still glad we did it. I learned a lot about cutting DNA into pieces, reading what it says, mapping what genes go where, and cloning. Very interesting. Also very useful; now I can splice some DNA in my college's lab and make myself a totally unique new pet.

foot washing

Tonight Marie led our housechurch in talking about servanthood; a thing we could all use some work at. ;) Among other passages we talked about, we went through John 13:3-16. This is were Jesus takes a towel and washes the disciples' feet.

Marie asked how this could apply to us. Someone said this means being as willing to deal with the gross parts of people's character as we are the beautiful parts. Part of obeying this is loving through the hard times and being willing to help people as they grow and not getting bent out of shape over the dark parts of the journey.

Afterwards we had a silent time of prayer. Suddenly Marie pulled out a bowl of water and a towel. She washed the feet of everyone in the room and prayed over all of us. It was a very touching moment, especially since I live with her and I've been a little obnoxious lately.

Arg, I don't know what to do with myself. It was a bit hard listening to everyone talk Saturday. I feel like I've been quite obnoxious the last couple of weeks. Every other time I talk I end up saying something a little mean without thinking. I'm not sure why.....

ski pass

I got my ski pass from work today!!! I’ve lived in Colorado since I was ten years old and never once downhill skied or been snowboarding. Yes, I’ve lived here, in the middle of all these ski resorts for almost twelve years and never gone. My family never had the money. (**small tear) But now I’m getting one through work and I’m gonna do both! I’m very excited.

flat tire

So after last night's loveliness my two-wheel-drive car was stuck in the driveway. I got a ride to work, when I got off at 13:00 I dug it out.....only to discover a completely flat tire. Eric, a neighbor of Bobby and Brianna, chaged it for me and I took the car to the tire place right there in Frisco. I needed some winter tires anyway, no big deal.

The problem was that somehow me and all four of the other people working on this group paper for biology class thought that the paper was due at 16:00 today. And I had agreed to be responsible for making our five seperate sections into one paper! Sure I was about to let all these people down by ruining everything I called Jenn after leaving the tire place. Half in panic with my cell battery warning me it was about to die I asked her to give me a ride to Silverthorne, the next town so I could try to get the paper finished. She came right away but by the time I got homw it was already after 15:00!

I hadn't eaten lunch and I still had to find a ride to class in Dillon. (For those who don't know the area there are three small towns all within 10 minutes of eachother, so we all act like they're just suberbs of eachother.) Desperate, I called the teacher to beg for mercy and guess what he said? He said that the paper isn't due till next Tuesday! My head is saved.

blizzard

Today I got out of work early because of a blizzard. About 14:00 and I couldn't see from my office window to the other side of our small parking lot. All the rest of our patients canceled and the roads closed. So I'm staying at Bobby and Brianna's house. They're like my older brother and sister in every way except blood and they let me stay with them on those random ocaisons where my car breaks down, it snows, or whatever comes up. My heros!

The snow's slowed down now, but the roads are still closed and my tires are bald anyway so I'm staying the night. It's soooo beautiful outside; I feel bad for people who never get to see this. It's just like a perfect little Christmas card. The snow is piled in lovely drifts and unblemished by any footprints. A little snow still falls thickening the already heavy blanket covering everything. It's sparkeling under the streetlights the way only snow can. Bobby's out plowing and Brianna, Malachi, and I are all stuck in the house. I love being stuck inside in the winter, it's so cozy and peaceful. Just like a perfect little dream.

discipline & training

During our housechurch we talked about God’s training and discipline. How sometimes it’s quite hard and unpleasant. Now this usually doesn’t fail to be a hot topic. The discussion was pretty lively with only four of us. :p

Sometimes I don’t know where I am. I’ve been going through a pretty hard times for a couple years. (And being only 21 it’s easy to worry that the other 60 are all gonna be like this.) Sometimes I get a bit freaked out wondering if this is an attack of Satan or if I’ve done something wrong and brought it upon myself or what. Most of the stuff that’s happened hasn’t been my fault but I know I haven’t handled it well throughout.

Our talk was encouraging. God does use all things for good. The direction from which a trial comes does not impede God’s ability to use it to shape my character. He is the one doing the training not me. I tend to worry that I’m not weathering this desert time very well. It’s a well-founded fear, cause I’m not handling things like the super-saint I wish I was, not even close. That doesn’t mean that God’s just going to let me go. He has no intention of doing so - not even when I believe that He’s about to let me drop. Walking in a desert it’s easy for me to get discouraged over this truth and find it too hard, even painful, to believe. Hey, it’s hard to look up from the ground with all that sand blowing in my eyes.

google game

Today I was looking for something to cheer me up because his codeine stuff is making me very tired and moody. I was reading Gordon’s blog and found an amusing little google game to play with myself. What you do is you type your name in the search bar followed by the word “needs” and see what comes up. It worked and made me happier.

• Jennifer needs a cold shower.
• Jennifer needs to do five things.
• Jennifer needs diva publicity.
• Jennifer needs to keep on improving.
• Jennifer needs exceptional help.
• Jennifer needs space.
• Jennifer needs the earth energy in her life.
• Jennifer needs to be charged for her crime.
• Jennifer needs time to heal.
• Jennifer needs to check her palm pilot.

codeine is my friend

I've had a toothache since Tuesday. It wasn't too bad then, I just focused on my biology paper and kept going. (Am I brilliant or what?) By Friday it was bad enough that I was practically living on advil and still hurting. I discovered that though you cannot take four advil all at once, you can take two tylinol and two advil all at the same time. (Why I do not know, but for awhile it kinda worked.) Saturday I was over playing games at a friend's house on that lovely, snowy morning and was forced to leave rather suddenly. By the time I got to my house it was awful. I arrived to find we were out of one of my painkillers. (*panic*) So Sharon went shopping while I lay on the couch in AGONY attempting to watch a movie. Upon her return more medicine really didn't help a whole lot - except to make watching the movie much easier. :s Finally I called my retired dentist friend, Bill and he told me what it probably was and to ask for some penicillin. I called a dentist, they gave me an appointment but no help till Monday. Then I called my boss and told her my tale of woe. She wrote me up a prescription for penicillin and for codeine, a wonderfully strong painkiller. I'm not supposed to drive and am very drowsy but now I can't even feel the pain unless I stop and think about it......or chew. So I'm happy about all except that tomorrow I will be paying lots of money to the dentist that left me hanging for the weekend as I do not have insurance.

biology paper

Yikes, since the retreat I've been majorly busy writing a paper for Biology class. I'm working on a group paper with four other people. One of them asked me to come up with a topic. So over a month ago I sugested the Human Genome Project then thinking I had a pretty good idea of the difficulty of this topic I volenteered to take the hardest part: how they actually did it. Little did I know. Well every night this week (becase of course I procrastinated till the due date we set for our first draft was nearly uppon me) I've been beating my brain against a wall trying to understand how they actually sequenced the human genome. Most of the stuff I found on the web was either for people who just want a little info on it or for geniouses who were probably involved in working on it. Neither were really very helpful. Finally I found something and wrote it. But my brain is very tired now, good night.

fall retreat

This retreat was really good, but quite different. As usual it started with a pang of lonlieness for me the first night. I always miss the people who've moved away. It was totally weird not having Isaac there, he's always one of the first there and in the middle of everything helping set up. I miss Carlos, David, and all the Lius. Mostly I miss my family who used to be part of the church a few years ago. I always feel a little displaced with out my sisters being around.

It was really different talking about the Moravians the whole time. At first I wondered if it was going to be effective. However, I think it turned out really good. A lot of people seemed to be touched and challenged by the story. Overall, I'd say this was the most sober retreat I've been to. Not in a bad way. I think it was because people were really thinking and being challenged, especially by the Moravian's level of passion for Jesus and the way they heald each other accountable.

Mohamad came and lots of people reached out to him, I think he had a good time. He signed up to go to France. Interesting..... he told Jeri that his purpose in coming was to evangelize us. He also told her that though he doesn't believe that Jesus is God's Son he feels very close to God when we are worshiping. He's never been in any Christian gathering other than the Thursday night housechurch.

I took Isaac's wonderful dog, Jobi, for a long run/walk/run we had fun exploring the ranch. It was such a beautiful time of day. I lost track of time till I noticed the sun getting lower. The woods were so beautiful with the setting sunrays streaming through the branches. God spoke to me a lot on the run through His beauty. He put such care into painting the woods like that. Sometimes it's easy for me to forget that He loves me and it's not just because He feels obligated (who could obligate God?) He also likes me for who I am, for who He made me to be. I don't know how, but running just has this way of clearing my head and helping me see stuff like that. However I ran waaay too long; we were out two hours and most of it was running and now I'm pretty sore. ; )

first shot

Today is a milestone in my life. I gave my first shot today! I gave it to my supervisor. It was waaay easier than I thought it would be.

I'm also excited because Immanuel's fall retreat starts later today. It's such a good time for comunity and hearing from God. I've had a rather hard couple of weeks for some odd reason. I'm really looking forward to stoping everything to be with God and the church.

first picture post

my very short hair

Here's the picture of my hair. I've been meaning to learn how put pictures on my blog for awhile and not really gotten around to it. Wow, that's short. It's making me more careful to dress girly. :p

hair cut

A few months ago I donated ten inches of hair to locks of love. I only had about two and a half inches left. I really like it so I’ve kept it that short. Well, yesterday I went to get my hair cut again before the wedding and what do I find? Mandie, the person who’s been cutting my hair quit. So the owner did it. She wasn’t very nice (no wonder Mandie quit) and on top of it she cut my hair way too short. It only comes halfway down my forehead! Ugh, it looks too boyish. Actually this is even shorter than I like it on boys. Grrrrr.....

marshal's wedding

Marshal, a friend of mine, got married today. It was a cute little outdoor wedding at the Breakenridge pavilion. There was snow on the ground but it was relatively warm for this time of year. However, I was kicking myself all night for not bringing a jacket.

(Matrix: there is no cold.)

I don’t really know the bride but they both looked sooo happy and cute together. I was impressed with how kind their families were to the bride and groom and to each other. It was really sweet.

soundboard mishaps

This week was my first time setting up the entire soundsystem for our Sunday Celebration. I was the only person at set up who knew how to do any of it. I've been in training for about a month. Naturally I wasn't exactly feeling qualified for the position of "expert" last night as we set it up. :S

I had to call Josiah, the real expert who is gone, and ask him how to set up the stage and the soundboard. Funny, he's taught me how, but the longer I stood there looking at it, the less confidence I had that I could actually set the whole thing up by myself.

Well this morning at practice it mostly worked. I had done something right. However, during worship I couldn't get Becka's bass turned down enough to keep it from being slightly overwhelming. I also couldn't hardly seem to get the reverb low enough to make it sound normal. Then during the (very) short break before the teaching I couldn't get the translation up and running. That one everyone noticed and of course curiously turned back to see what the problem was. We ended up just sitting someone beside those who needed translation and doing it that way.

Tell me again, why did I volunteer for this....

test score

I got the results back on my biology test today. The class average was over 90%. Yipee! We all did great. I got 105%! Double horray. :D :D

Also, it started snowing during class today! It started snowing hard. Then the power went out and this lady came and told us all to leave the college. It's still snowing and the ground is covered. Winter is coming to Summit. Triple horray. :D :D :D

training

Today I started training to be a nurse's assistant. Upon hiring me the children's clinic did promise me they would train me as an NA. They taught me to take all the measurements like height, weight, and head circumference. They also taught me to take a pulseox. That's a little thing that you wrap around a baby's toe, it shines a light through and reads both the pulse and the oxygen.

The baby I did the pulseox on was quite happy to be in the doctor's office and wasn't bothered by the fact that I had to do it over and over to get it right. That was nice. Working at the front desk with a near continual background noise of screaming I am quite aware that most of the time being a nurse's assistant will not be quite so pleasant.

The best thing by far though was learning to time the respirations and heartbeats. This is done by listening to a child's chest with a stethoscope and counting the heartbeats or breaths for fifteen seconds. The great part is that I got to do it on a two-month-old. He was born after I started working at this clinic. I've never listened to a tiny baby's chest before. His heart beat so fast! I counted forty beats in fifteen seconds. Listening to that teeny little chest I felt some of the same awe for God that I feel when I look at the stars.

christian success

Today after sneaking away from one of the tree people during an otherwise nice run (he was also trying to hide from me, scary) I went to Brianna's house for lunch. We had an interesting talk about......for lack of a better description, Christian success.

I, like most other people, think of success as really doing something notable with your life. It's making your name worth being remembered, right? Right. However, not if you're a Christian. Then, if you're a Christian success is furthering God's kingdom and making His name known. That's the way I tend to see it anyway.

Brianna and I talked about people who really love Jesus but are held back by something in their lives that is not their fault. Their spouse, parents, children, health, or a financial burden they somehow obtained without creating it themselves. However you fill in that blank it seems tragic. All their dreams drowned by this one thing. I find myself saying, "If only this or that were different that person would really be able to do something great for God." I think it a lot actually.

She challenged me today. "How will that mould their character?" Brianna asked if maybe God is more concerned about purifying His bride than He is about everything else. He's big enough to do whatever it is He needs done with or without ideal circumstances in our lives. Could it be He allows those things to happen because His idea of Christian success is completely different from ours? Because He knows He can hold us through rough times and use the impossibly bad to do something impossibly good? Could that do more for His name than any amount of striving in our own strength ever would? Is the shaping of my character more important than all I could do on my own as I am now? Is it possible for God to both work in me and through me at the same time even if I don't feel like I'm useful and can't see it? Maybe I've made the mistake of grossly underestimating the Creator of the universe......

soy una mexicana

Tonight I got together with a few friends for dinner. It was an interesting night; usually I don't hang out with these people outside of events like work. There were five of us around the counter top in Elena's apartment. Elena is Spanish, Omar's Mexican, Feliz is Turkish, Bret's American, and I am American. All of us having traveled some we of course ended up talking about traveling and the differences in cultures and governments.

We're also all bilingual, or in my case semi-bilingual, and mostly between Spanish and English. It was interesting listening to Spanish Maria and Mexican Omar talk about their language. We ended up with a friendly little dispute over pronunciation. Bret and I only added to this as he learned his Spanish in Spain and I leaned mine from people who lived in Mexico City not too far from Omar's home. He said he could tell I'd gotten my accent from "La Ciudad" which is a huge complement. It means that I speak well enough to have an accent other than gringo. :D :D :D

He may have just been flattering me, but I have reason to hope he wasn't since he corrected my Spanish every other sentence when we changed languages after Feliz left. I still have a long way to go. :S

biology test

I took my first biology test today. Arg. I hate studying for tests, especially the first test. I never know how to study, what the teachers style, or what kind of questions the teacher will ask. I always feel like I actually have to study the night before; this time I did. :s

Not that I'm incredibly smart and don't need to study, it's just that at about $1,000 a semester CMC isn't exactly Harvard and well... you get the picture. Anyway, I think I did alright on most of it. I'll find out in a week. If I could change anything about myself today I would have a photographic memory so then I would never have to study. ; )

He leads me

Last Saturday we spent most of the night praying for each other. I seem to be at one of those points where I know where I want to be: much closer to God. I'm seeing my desperate need for Jesus. I feel like I know where I'm going, however totally lost on how to get there. It's so frustrating to feel like you're desperate to move forward but helpless and lost as far as actually making progress in concerned. Also feeling weak and worried and susceptible to falling. Well everyone was praying for me and encouraging me by reminding me that God's in control. Even if I'm not sure how to get where I want to be He is leading. I don't remember exactly what they said but it gave me this picture of being led through the dense jungle by Jesus. Like He's breaking the trail with one arm and with the other is holding my hand. The only thorns come my way are those He's allowed. As long as I hold His hand I don't need to see where I'm going or be able to find my way out.

It was a beautiful picture.......which I promptly forgot as soon as this week hit me. Still feeling no forward motion in my walk with God. In addition I am actually, literally penniless. I get paid on Wednesday so normally this wouldn't be too big of a problem. However, my checking account was over-drawn by two dollars and some odd cents. I've got one of those accounts where the bank charges me every day till I pay up. By Wednesday that would've been my entire paycheck. So I was stressing out and very nearly crying over my sad state (two dollars has never felt so impossibly huge) when Erick came to the bank to see Hannah. We both sat at her customer service desk while she finished up the day's business on the phone. He didn't know what was wrong but tried to cheer me up till I worked up the courage to ask him for the huge sum that I owed the bank. Of course he gladly gave it. Everything's alright and just like that I'm saved for the rest of the week. Sad how two dollars made me forget so quickly such a beautiful picture of Jesus leading me. I think I must really be an adult now. :S

Well today after going for a run (there's snow on the peaks above the tree line!) I sat and read my Bible and God showed me this:

"I will lead the blind by a they do not
know,
In paths they do not know I will guide
them.
I will make darkness into light before them
And rugged places into plains.
These things I will do,
And I will not leave them undone."
~ Isaiah 42:16

God help me learn to trust You to do this for me......

from silken self

From prayer that asks that I may be
Sheltered from the winds that beat on Thee,
From fearing when I should aspire,
From faltering when I should climb higher,
From silken self, O Captain free
Thy soldier who would follow Thee.

From subtle love of softening things,
From easy choices, weakenings,
Not thus are our spirits fortified,
Not this way went the Crucified,
From all that dims Thy Calvary,
O Lamb of God deliver me.

Give me the love that leads the way,
The faith that nothing can dismay,
The hope no disappointments tire,
The passion that will burn like fire,
Let me not sink to be a clod,
Make me Thy fuel, Flame of God.

~ Amy Carmichael

God, give me the courage to really pray that.

encouragement

I think I learned something at housechurch tonight. I got the answer to a question that's been nagging me for a long time.

I used to think that if a bunch of people were excited and sharing what God's doing in their lives and I was the only one who's down I should just keep my mouth shut and not ruin a good thing. Or the opposite, that if I was trying to encourage someone who's down I shouldn't tell them what's exciting me. That fell apart last night in housechurch.

I had the prayer shift right before the gathering and Emily came in and talked with me for a couple of hours. She could tell I'd been kinda discouraged and listened to me talk about what's been going on. Then she told me, bubbling over with excitement, about how much God has been working in her life. It really encouraged me. I don't think my downess stole from her excitement at all. So I think all those ideas I used to have were wrong.

Then everyone else arrived and we had such a good time praying for each other. Some were super excited about what God's doing in them. Others were feeling more discouraged about the challenges they're facing. It was so cool and encouraging. We're really getting close as a group and it's exciting. God, please keep working in us. Please don't let this be just the passing hype of the moment. Keep working and do something deep and permanent in us.....

wipe away

Yesterday I hiked up the side of Mt. Royal to sat on a rock and read my Bible. I found something I've never seen before.

"The LORD of hosts will prepare a lavish
banquet of all the peoples on this mountain;
A banquet of aged wine, choice pieces with
marrow,
And refined, aged wine.
And on this mountain He will swallow up
the covering which is over all people,
Even the veil which is stretched over all
nations.
He will swallow up death for all time,
And the lord GOD will wipe tears away
from all faces,
And He will remove the reproach of His
people from all the earth;
For the LORD has spoken.
And it will be said on that day,
"Behold, this is our God for whom we have
waited that He might save us.
This is the LORD for whom we have waited;
Let us rejoice and be glad in His salvation."

- Isaiah 25:6-9

It's cool the picture of God's love I got while I read this. I'm the oldest in my family and when one of my younger sisters (or even younger girl friends sometimes) is hurting I just would do anything if I could move the entire universe and make it stop. I wish so badly that I could be the hero of the moment and take away whatever the cause of these tears are. (I've gotten myself in trouble more than a few times trying.) Today watching the sun begin to set God showed me He is the same way. He does love me so intensely that He wants to move the entire universe just to wipe my tears away. Except He's God and He has the power to change any situation in my life or my heart if I'm willing to wait on Him. (Waiting's important, 'cause it's tricky to move the universe without crushing someone else in the process. :p) Ironically the thought of such a big someone as God wanting to be close enough to wipe my tears away made me cry, then laugh, then cry, then laugh-cry. Ah, the beauty of being a girl. :p

my darts

My little sister Joanie sent me this e-mail reecently.

"A young lady named Sally, relates an experience she had in a seminary class, given by her teacher, Dr. Smith. She says that Dr. Smithwas known for his elaborate object lessons.

One particular day, Sally walked into the seminary and knew they were in for a fun day.

On the wall was a big target and on a nearby table were many darts. Dr. Smithtold the students to draw a picture of someone that they disliked or someone who had made them angry, and he would allow them to throw darts at the person's picture.

Sally's friend drew a picture of who had stolen her boyfriend. Another friend drew a picture of his little
brother. Sally drew a picture of a former friend, putting a great deal of detail into her drawing, even drawing pimples on the face. Sally was pleased with the overall effect she had achieved.

The class lined up and began throwing darts. Some of the students threw their darts with such force that their targets were ripping apart. Sally looked forward to her turn, and was filled with disappointment when Dr. Smith, because of time limits, asked the students to return to their seats. As Sally sat thinking about how angry she was because she
didn't have a chance to throw any darts at her target. Dr. Smithbegan removing the target from the wall.

Underneath the target was a picture of Jesus. A hush fell over the room as each student viewed the mangled picture of Jesus; holes and jagged marks covered His face and His eyes were pierced.

Dr. Smithsaid only these words... 'In as much as ye have done it unto the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto Me.' Matthew 25:40.

No other words were necessary; the tears filled eyes of the students focused only on the picture of Christ."

Who have I thrown darts at deluding myself that I'm right, that I have not hurt anyone who didn't have it coming? Where have my thoughts and attitudes been?

soundboard

Well today was my first day really running the soundboard at church during worship. It was so cool. Nothing majorly bad happened. The system started to feed back at one point but I caught it so quickly that I'm able to tell myself nobody noticed. (Hopefully.) If something had gone wrong Josiah (my teacher) was standing right there to help me if I needed it. It was great to be at the back turning the knobs and making everything run smoothly enough that everyone can focus on God and worship.

last night for awhile.....

Tonight and last night we've all hung out with Isaac. Last night we went tromping out in to woods to see the Tree People. Isaac ended up losing his shoes and we searched in vain for them for like half and hour in the dark with flashlights. Today he went back out an found them. We went and watched him play soccer tonight. Then we all ate Thai food together in Breck. We followed him over to Bill and Jerie's house where he said goodbye to the housechurch that was just ending. We played the craziest game of pingpong ever with fifteen people running around the table screaming and hitting the ball once before handing off the paddle to the next in line. Then we took this insane group picture in the dark with all of us piled on top of Emily's car.

After all this awesome craziness Isaac had to go home and pack. It was sad, he gave everyone a hug and said a short goodbye for each. Then he slowly walked towards his car. We couldn't take it and all chased him down and tackled him for a giant group hug. Oh then we watched him drive off telling us he loves us and to keep following Jesus. After he was gone we all took some time to pray for him and his trip and the friends he'll meet there. After we were done praying for him we quietly walked to our cars in the dark.

Wow, we're all going to miss him so much. He's a pillar of strength for a lot of people in the housechurch. The reality of Isaac leaving hasn't quite hit yet. I'm kinda excited though, no really excited. He's going to grow so much in Paris! At the same time we will all be growing here; his absence is going to leave a big hole that the rest of us will somehow have to learn to fill while he's gone. It won't be the same with Isaac in Paris and most of the rest of us here but I'm sure everyone in our housechurch is going to learn a lot in these next nine months.

retreat

This weekend was the housechurch leaders' retreat. I've been looking forward to this since last year. We had a great time talking about prayer, discipleship, discouragement, and we ate together and hiked and sang. We talked about loving people without being afraid that they will leave the church. (Which can really feel like a rejection of you and really hurt and make you question yourself.) We talked about loving and being a blessing to people knowing that in our transient society people we pour our hearts into will sometimes move away or get angry and leave. Ouch that's discouraging, I tend to feel like a complete failure at those times. Later we spent some time talking about discouragement.

We also prayed for each other. It's cool how encouraging it can be to pray for other people. I didn't ask for prayer (not that I don't need it, I just didn't know what to ask for) and it was really good to pray for everyone. This group has gotten a lot closer in the last year; we've prayed for each other a lot through our hard times.

On the hike I ended up walking with Bill and we had a lovely talk about nursing, dentistry, and how he became a Christian. (Yes, the three do go together.) We also talked about the biographies of missionaries that had shaped our lives, thoughts, and goals. Interesting, they were both books we had read shortly after deciding to follow Jesus and they were both people who displayed a passion for Jesus that would not shrink from giving Him any sacrifice He asked, even death.

Well, that was the retreat. It was really better than what I just wrote, God spoke to me powerfully about something big I've been struggling with but it would be too hard to explain here. It's just one of those really good times with friends that has a purpose..... I'm excited to see what God does over this next year.

back to school

I started Biology today. After taking two semesters off I was a litte nervous stepping into a classroom full of people I don't know. But it was good we planted mutant plants for teh beginning of a project. It turned out I did know one person. A fellow future nurse from Nutrition class last fall. We stayed after and talked with teh teacher about nursing schools, disection, search and rescue, kadavers, autopsies, and other gruesom things. :s I must admit, being totally inexperienced, I'm much less excited about dead people than the future nurse/search and rescue person. (Forgot his name.) The thought of eventually having to disect (or otherwise mess with) a real once-living-now-dead person is not something I look forward to. Oh well, I'd better go, I've got a chapter to read by Thursday.

car shopping

Wednesday my dad saw it. Sitting by the fruit stand on his way home from work for $1,500. I went and bought it Thursday and Ben and I cleaned it up to a perfect shine Friday. An '88 Honda Accord. Gets good gas mileage. From Arizona and nearly rust free. (Rust is a big car problem in Colorado.) The former owners were a woman over 50 and her mother-in-law. It's never been driven hard or smoked in. The brownish-maroon interior is in perfect condition. Only 150,000 miles - pretty young for a Honda. Everything works, power windows, locks, and even the clock works. It's way faster than the Subaru was and it's a bit hard not to speed too much. Everything works! I drove it right away. Yea, it's days latter and I'm still really excited, but this car looks like it will be a lot more reliable than my last so hopefully I'll be posting about it less. ; )

inadequate

Gordon, a Salvation Army officer in London, wrote this on his blog a few weeks ago: "I figure 80% of the time in ministry you feel, pretty much inadequate. 20% of the time you are fooling no-one but yourself!"

I guess I've been getting really disillusioned with my act as a housechurch leader. I've been wondering and asking myself who I'm trying to fool. I guess no one as I've been seeing through my own act with painful clarity lately.

"I was with you in weakness and in fear and in much trembling, and my message and my preaching were not in persuasive words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, so that your faith would not rest on the wisdom of men, but on the power of God." ~ 1 Corinthians 2:3-5

Funny how I relate to Paul's feelings in this verse. I've got the weakness, fear, trembling, and the lack of persuasive words of wisdom; however, I also feel like I'm missing the power of God part. Maybe it's my own discouragement. Paul probably didn't feel great lightning bolts of God's power either in the middle of all that weakness. Yea, and I really wouldn't want anyone's faith to rest on my act or my wisdom either. It's hard enough for my own faith to survive it's bouts with that shaky territory. :p

psalm 37:23-26

"The steps of a man are established by the Lord,
And He delights in his way.
When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong,
Because the Lord is the One who holds his hand.
I have been young and now I am old,
Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken
Or his descendants begging bread.
All day long he is gracious and lends,
And his descendants are a blessing."

taizé

Last night Brother Roger, the founder of Taizé wasstabbedd and killed during worship. I was there a few months ago and it is a place that God is using to draw a lot of Europeans to Him. Isaac posted more about it than I did and he's got links to some news articles. Please be praying for Taizé and all the people who will be impacted by BrotheRoger's's death.

God please let it prove true what You said in John 12 about the seed that dies produces fruit. Help everyone at Taizé through thegriefeif and keep them from being turned from You in the least by this. Comfort the 2,500 teens wwitnessedsed his murder. Please speak clearly and be a strong presence with them all.....

mere christianity

I just finished reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. It's one of those few books that actually deserves a second read. One chapter towards the end really stood out to me.

In this chapter he speaks of counting the cost of Christianity. A lot of people come to Jesus wanting Him to fix a few flaws; those that they can see are obviously hurting them. C. S. Lewis says,

"Well, He will cure it alright: but He will not stop there. That may be all you asked; but if once you call Him in, He will give you the full treatment. That is why He warned people to 'count the cost' before becoming Christians. 'Make no mistake,' He says, 'if you let me, I will make you perfect. The moment you put yourself in My hands, that is what you are in for. Nothing less, or other, than that. You have free will, and if you choose, you can push me away. But if you do not push me away, understand that I am going to see this job through. Whatever suffering it may cost you in your earthly life, whatever inconceivable purification it may cost you after death, whatever it costs Me, I will never rest, nor let you rest, until you are literally perfect - until my Father can say without reservation that He is well pleased with you, as He said He was well pleased with Me. This I can do and will do. But I will not do anything less.' And yet - this is the other and equally important side of it - this Helper who will, in the on run, be satisfied with nothing less than absolute perfection, will also be delighted with the first feeble, stumbling effort you make tomorrow to so the simplest duty. As a great Christian writer (George MacDonald) pointed out, every father is pleased at the baby's first attempt to walk: no father would be satisfied with anything less than a firm, free, manly walk in a grown-up son. In the same way, he said, 'God is easy to please, but hard to satisfy.' The practical upshot is this. On the one hand, God's demand for perfection need not discourage you in the least in your present attempts to be good, or even in your present failures. Each time you fall He will pick you up again. And He knows perfectly well that your own efforts are never going to bring you anywhere near perfection. On the other hand, you must realize from the outset that the goal towards which He is beginning to guide you is absolute perfection; and no power in the whole universe, except you yourself, can prevent Him from taking you to that goal......Here is another way of putting the two sides of the truth. On the one hand we must never imagine that our own unaided efforts can be relied on to carry us even through the next twenty-four hours as 'decent' people. If He does not support us, not one of us is safe from some gross sin. On the other hand, no possible degree of holiness or heroism which has ever been recorded of the greatest saints is beyond what He is determined to produce in every one of us in the end. The job will not be completed in this life; but He means to get us as far as possible before death. That is why we must not be surprised if we are in for a rough time."

I found this really encouraging. I used to be so confident that I was actually somehow cut out for the job of housechurch leader and someday even in another culture. I used to think I'd be some kind of big missionary and (dare I say it) end up living a life comparable to my heroes, the early missionaries I loved to read about. Maybe I even went as far as thinking that such dreams set me in a special class of Christian. I'm shaking my head as I write this wondering what on earth I was thinking. I was so full of it.

Seems like I'm seeing all my faults in every area of my life - especially in the way I am a friend to others. I feel about as disqualified as they come. Actually, as Isaac and so many others leave things have changed so that I'm not leading anything. This is the first time in ten years. When I was about eleven my mom started working outside the home while we continued to homeschool and as the oldest I was in charge and in one way or another have steadily been so ever since. I wonder, how much of my identity is wrapped up in that 'leader' label?

Ah, but now I'm rambling and beginning to get a bit more personal than I would like. I guess it just encouraged me, that even though I'm feeling like a near-total failure and that I am all messed-up with nothing to offer, it's not my job to be perfect right now. I'm only 21 and God is taking me in that direction. It appears like I'm only going backwards, maybe in a lot of ways I am, but He has made perfecting my character His goal and so He will somehow use this time. Yes, and maybe He's already bringing the optimist in me back to life.

fallen

Last night a bunch of people in the church gathered in someone's home to listen to Billy Graham preach. No not Billy Graham the American evangelist who fills gigantic stadiums every time he preaches. This Billy is an Indian pastor who is in the process of building a training center in India for native missionaries. He has a lot of amazing stories about the persecution he and other Indian Christians have been through in order to preach the gospel. Being beaten, having human waste thrown on them, having Hindu priests threaten to sacrifice them in the temple (one man actually was), and living with a price on their heads are all things Billy has experienced. When he talks about them he's so excited and even joyful for the opportunity to suffer for Christ's sake.

I felt torn as I sat and listened. My family has been in and out of so many churches; the common theme was that usually people didn't take the time to notice that I was breathing their air. Even though Immanuel Fellowship is totally different sometimes I still have a problem with other Christians, especially traveling preachers for some reason. So the cynic in me sat not wanting to listen or believe any of his stories. However, I have a tendency to give members of the persecuted church a position of Catholic-like sainthood in my heart. In Immanuel Fellowship's highschool people used to talk about how they wanted to be martyr's someday. I used to think they were crazy but secretly prayed all the time for a heart that would be willing to go through the kind of persecution I read about in Jesus Freaks. So I sat not trusting the man but hanging on his every word.

Later, as I walked Isaac's dog Jobi I prayed about what I'd just heard. I feel like I've fallen. Billy talked about living your Christianity without taking short-cuts. This has been the biggest thing I've worked and prayed for since I started following Jesus when I was fifteen. A few years ago I felt so much closer to that goal. The last two years have been really hard. Maybe I've taken the responsibility and the guilt for things I had no business attempting. I've failed miserably at just about everything I've dared touch for a long time. Everything I thought I would be, everything I was just three years ago now seems so far out of reach. Not to mention the standard of living Billy embodies. I began to cry as I poured these thoughts out God for the millionth time, begging Him to change me again.

dear God i'm losing count my of failures
i can't remember why You called me
is it illusion or do i walk backwards?
yet still i hear You call me to follow
unwilling to resist such a voice as Yours
shattered to the core, but i will come

off to teen mania

My little sister Jacque is right now on vacation with the rest of the family in Texas. I had to work and so couldn't go with them. On the 18th they will drop her off in Garden Valley, home of Teen Mania headquarters where she will spend the next year.

It's kinda weird having my little sister move out. Since it's only been like three days I don't think the reality of it has quite hit me yet. Oh well, never mind that for now.

It's going to be so awesome for her. She's about to be challenged in ways she probably hasn't thought of. At the end of this year Jacque's going to be a very different person than she is now. I'm so excited for her! Not because I don't think she's great right now, I'm just excited for teh chances she'll get to do things she's never done, meet new people, gain confidence as a woman of God, see her character grow, and most of all get a lot closer to God. I'll get to see her again in a couple of months at Thanksgiving....three months. I can't wait to hear the stories she'll have to tell and see the way she's grown frist-hand and not just over the phone and email.

poetic justice

Today I saw direct evidence that there is such a thing as justice in the world. However, before you understand that statement I need to give a little history.

My sisters and I used to play Monopoly a lot when we were little. There was only ever one winner and that was absolutely always Jacque. In fact, Jacque's never lost a game and I've never won a single game, ever. That is, until today.

Today my three sisters and I all played Monopoly. (I don't even know why I always agree to play this game.) As is the usual about two hours in Joanie and Julie, the two youngest, sold all their property, put all their money in the community pile to be won by some lucky player, and dropped out of the running. Jacque ended up being the lucky player with all the money and I ended being the sucker who spent all her money on buying cheap property and earning several monopolies.

Well after four hours I won. Yes me the ultimate Monopoly looser! I bought every hotel and house the game had. As Jacque got more and more in debt she gave me more and more property, eventually I owned the whole board. It felt so good. Usually our positions are reversed. I will cherish this moment forever.

parting

Today it rained. Usually rain is recomended when one is saying goodbye. We took one last drive around the lake and my car was leaking form the top of the windsheild onto my hand as usual. But I didn't mind, the rain falling on the mountain lake was beautiful. This was our favorite little drive. I bought this little red '87 subaru for $250. I've replaced a lot parts, discovered and found ways around many quirks, seen it's 200,000 mile birthday, and given my friends countless rides. For the price I've paid it's been an incredible car and usually quite reliable.

We are quite fond of eachother but we've talked it over and both agreed that it would be best if I sold her. Sunday someone offered to buy my subaru for $500. That's much more than I could hope to get from anyone else. We decided that since the man who's offering to buy her is somewhat mechanically tallented and good with old cars and I am not that I sould accept and use the money to buy a newer, more reliable car. Especially as she has had a harder and harder time being reliable for me lately. So we went for one last drive and sat in the rain together listening to it fall on her roof as we said our sad goodbyes. Then I went inside the house and signed the title over.

*tear, sob, sob* Goodbye wonderful little car.....

oblivious

I just read this really great article about God's love. It's pretty short so go read it. I think I tend to be completely oblivious to God's love most of the time. Like, not that I'm unaware of His love, I just don't really take the time to think about it in depth. I wonder if that hurts Him. If I loved somebody like that I'd sure want them to stop and think about it at least ten times a day. I'd want them to really know that right then I was dreaming about them. God is really patent with our lack of enthusiasm about His love. God help me learn to be more constantly aware that You are loving me like crazy. Help me love You back more like You love me....

possibilities

This Saturday we had our last housechurch gathering. So many of us are leaving! Tessa and Genesis are moving away, Greg and Netsie are leaving for college, and Isaac is moving all the way to France to be part of an internship with a church there. Some of us will still be getting together on Saturdays, but with so many people leaving this was the last housechurch as we’ve known it.

Weird, I’ve moved so many times and I’m used to being the one doing the leaving. It’s strange to stay and watch others go. Even though it’s sad to see so many people leave, the more I think about it the more excited I get. Change is always such a huge opportunity to grow. What does God have for all of us this year? How will our characters be shaped twelve months form now? Despite the fears I have about my place in all of this, I can’t wait to see what this next year holds.

camping trip

I just got back from Immanuel's annual camping trip. As always it was awesome. There were, as Mike said, "About 5 billion mosquitoes per acre." I'm very tempted to think this was an honest estimate and not just a humorous exaggeration.

For me the best parts are the community of living together, the meals, the water fight, the swimming, the hikes, and especially the orienteering race. Ok fine, I like it all. It's so cool just about everyone in the church comes, even people who don't really like camping.

Well this year I made a mistake. We were about to start our orinteering race and were standing around getting the rules from Mike, the pastor and the man who sets up this little adventure, when I asked God to teach me some kind of lesson through competing in the race. (Can anyone remember that old proverb, "Be careful what you wish for"? Well the same can sometimes be said of prayer because God is not without a sense of humor. :P) That was my mistake. I never learn, I'm always praying these prayers of a slightly dangerous nature and then being swept up into these adventures. However if I quit praying stuff like that I'd get really bored. I'd rather have the adventure.

Anyway, I was put on a team of five, the purple team, and we were given two pages of clues to follow. We started off quite lovely and got the first two purple flags with ease. Things started going downhill from the second flag. First we got confused and went to the wrong lake (there are like a thousand in the area where we were camping, which explains the raging mosquito population). After going at least a mile out of our way and backtracking we found our third flag. At this point it had been two hours. Mike had announced to everyone that our team was the most likely to win, however he also expected the winners to return within two hours. We knew we had lost and this was made worse by the fact that we were the expected winners.

Not wanting to be quitters we continued. Rather suddenly, when we came upon a road that would easily lead back to camp two of our team members decided to call a quit and go back to camp. It was discouraging but three of us decided to keep going even though we were disqualified without all of our team members. Now it was just Josiah (our eagle-scout leader), Jessie (our energetic 16-year-old runner), and me. We got caught on the fourth flag. About two hours of exploring small lakes and mashes looking for a patch of lilies with a flag in them and we were one flag richer and one pint of blood poorer than we had been when our other team members had left us.

Somewhere in all that fruitless searching we all got quite discouraged. Though none of us wanted to quit Josiah delicately hinted that maybe we should as soon as we got the fourth and nobody disagreed. However, with the forth flag came a burst of encouragement. We realized that just because we came in last didn't mean we had to come back beaten. Since the next flag was not to far we went after it and found it much more quickly. With only two left we just couldn't quit. Flags six and seven also came faster, even if we did end up back-tracking again to get number six.

Finally, after five and a half hours the purple team emerged from the forest, wet, tired, hungry, mosquito-bitten, but proudly triumphant. Immediately we happened upon Mike, who had come to look for us since it was after 19:30 and beginning to get a little dark.

So what was my lesson? Obviously perserverance. Not quitting when everyone seems to give up and there's only a few left, and when you seem to get nowhere. I was thinking about that stuff the whole time. However, someone is begging for use of this computer so I must go and save this already long post for getting much longer.....

again

She's dead
They slowly strangled her
Lips close to her ear
Whispering love

The outer shell remains
But the inside is devastated
Emptied of all good

Through the dark
Is there always hope of morning?
Can the shattered heart be rebuilt?
Will ashes be redeemed?

Yes is the answer I see
Reflected in Your confident eyes
Is there anything else I know?

The walking dead sees a sunrise
Feels the beat of life within
Though a world turns to ash
Those ashes are still in Your hands

In Your hands life is created
Dreams once dead awake and breathe
Now more real than ever they could've been

Crippled legs learn to walk again
And then the impossible - they learn to run
Yet something will never be the same
For the death was real

But I find You waiting, smiling
To show me the joy of what You're doing
Redeeming all that was shattered

lovely pointless quiz

I put in all the silliest answers and this is what I got. Hmmm.......


The Completely Pointless Personality Quiz
You must try this, it's more fun than most. While you're at it, go see a Muffin Film.

risk

"Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once."
- Julius Caesar from Shakespeare's play Julius Caesar

At unhindered last weekend Pete talked about taking risks. People today don't risk enough for God. Everything is too neat and tidy. Sometimes when I'm reading the story of some hero of the faith that I admire I look at the risks they took and wonder if I would ever have the courage to do the same. People have told me that I'm courageous before because I've been on mission trips by myself, gone cliff-diving, or like to try interesting new foods. That's all nice, but do I really have the courage to live my whole life for God?

Maybe I shouldn't sit around asking that question. I think it might be one of those questions that just paralyzes you. I don't really know. I was reading Mere Chistianity by C.S. Lewis today and ran across this:

"If you read history you will find that the
Christians who did the most for the present world were just those who thought most of the next. ...all left their mark on Earth, precisely because their minds were occupied with Heaven. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this. Aim at Heaven and you will get earth 'thrown in': aim at earth and you will get neither."

Maybe it's not trying to have the courage or even taking the perfectly right path. Maybe the reason that my heros could do all that they did was because though they may have been afraid or unsure they thought of Eternity and just did it. That sounds so good, but how in the world do I work it out in life?