packed

Okay, I've got myself packed and ready to move tomorrow. Turns out all my stuff fits in the back of my parents' suburban with a little room to spare. I guess that's good, the room I'm moving to is so small I couldn't park a suburban in it. It's not very pretty either at the moment; definitely in need of some feminine homemaking skills. Hopefully in about a month I'll have it looking more inviting. Envisioning the end result is starting to get me a little excited about moving...

new house, new job

I am moving next week. I am not really excited. It's not that I don't want to move, it would be nice if I were already moved. ;) I can be kinda weird that way sometimes, I will be looking forward to something, yet not really feel any excitement at all until I've actually begun doing it. I've prayed about it a lot though and I feel peace about it. I guess in a way that's better than excitement. I also got a new job as a personal care provider. Since I want to be a nurse it will be good experience, and show me if I'm really cut out for nursing. Well, I'm kinda busy with moving and now two jobs so I probably won't post too much for the next week.

new car

Okay, so it's an old subaru, but it's the best car in the world! My dad and I are working on fixing it, but I think we've broken about as much as we've fixed. My dad is an awesome mechanic as I've said. However we are both a bit clumsy. The first day we had this car in the garage we broke a windshield wiper. Then he broke the left fender, front bumper, and the horn while trying to fix the right fender. (You don't want to know.) So far all of these parts (except the horn) have been replaced from our friendly local junkyard. Today, we put the new front fenders on. While I was securing a bolt with an air wrench I somehow knocked out one of the headlights which crashed to the ground and broke far beyond repair. *Sigh* Back to the junkyard for a new one...

Aunt Jeanie

At about five feet she loved sports, and was involved in both track and basketball. From all I've read and been told about her, she was an incredibly sweet and giving person. Always a kind word. I was looking through the pictures of her last birthday today. She had a lot of friends so she must have really been all I've heard. Never in trouble. A girl scout and an excellent student. Committed to her youth group; she was there to help out when they needed her. She also volunteered at the hospital visiting people in an attempt to make their stay a little brighter. As the one who has inherited several of her books, I know what she was interested in. God's Smuggler, The Hiding Place, In My Father's House, and Know Your Bible Better are just some of the books she read. My Grandma says she was very missions-minded although at thirteen she hadn't yet decided what she wanted to do with her life. As far as I can tell at the time she had the highest interest in God of all her brothers and sisters.

I'm tempted to say that's where it ended. She died when she was thirteen. One day she was crossing the street on her way home from school, and a man strung out on drugs swerved his van and hit her on purpose. This happened in 1982, about a year before I was born. There yet remains a scar in my family. As with any relative who seemed to die before their time there is a sadness when those who knew her talk about it.

What brought this subject up today? My grandparents had a trunkfull of her things today and were dividing them up between her siblings and the nieces and nephews she never knew. I now have her diary which has all of five entries in it. When I was little she seemed so old, now reading those five entries penned by her between the ages of 11 and 13 she seems so young.

Even though I never knew her and thus only indirectly feel the pain of her death, I still have found myself asking God why. She loved Him and wrote that she wanted Him to have more of her, she was searching for Him in her Bible, and was interested in missions. What could she have become had she had the chance to grow up and become it? Whatever the answer to that gnawing "why" it wouldn't change a thing if any of us knew. Besides it would be selfish to wish her back. She's with the Jesus she loved and wanted to give more of herself to. Really if I were to wish her all the best there's no more I could wish for her than everything she now has.

Sorry about this long rambling post. ; )

do i love?

God has been convicting me about love lately. I can't get the question out of my head: do I love? Do I really love? Not the way 1 Corinthians 13 describes it. For awhile I've been doubting whether or not I love those who either don't love me or just don't show it well. In those cases it's easy to justify it by blaming the other person, at least for me it is. However, through a conversation I had with a friend this week God's been showing me just how selfish my "love" is. I love only those able to give me that warm "loved" feeling. To them I'm willing to give my time almost unconditionally. However with other people, who don't make me feel so valued, I am not nearly as willing to spend time with them unless they are doing something I enjoy. There are so many other examples of the selfishness with which I "love" that I am beginning to wonder if I truly love much at all. "...[love] does not seek its own,...." 1 Corinthians 13:5. I have got to grow up, and love as this passage describes. Really, when I think about it I'm being needy. I love only in order to receive? God can give me more than enough love to fill the need in my heart and give away to everyone regardless of what they do for me.

God change my heart. Teach me to depend on You for the love I need and not those around me. I know we are also made to depend on each other in the body of Christ, but I'm not sure how that works. Where is the balance between being too dependent and too independent in relation to my brothers and sisters in Christ? Show me please. Help me be secure enough in Your love to love others selflessly. Give me Your love for people because all mine is false.

longmont

I just arrived at my Aunt's house in Longmont today, I will be here for the rest of the week. I went with my eleven-year-old cousin Marie to a fashion show her church put on to show cool/modest styles. I decided to go with her at the last minute. So my Aunt Jan bought the ticket and dropped my cousin, two younger sisters Jacque and Joanie and I off. As I walked in I realized my ticket stated that this fashion show was being put on by the high-school youth group for the 7th - 9th grade girls! So being twenty I was slightly out of place. I look young for my age, but not that young. Oh well, the show was well done and I had my sisters to keep me from being the only person over thirteen in attendance. My Aunt also randomly gave me two new books today: Las Telarañas De Carlota and Un Corazón Como El De Dios. (Charlotte's Web and A Heart like God's.) It's really nice of her to think of me whenever she sees a book in Spanish.

father's day

I just celebrated Father's Day with my family. Since my mom and three younger sisters are going to visit my grandparents in Nebraska we decided to have it early this year. My two older little sisters and I bought our dad the movie Frequency and watched it with him. Our youngest sister, Julie who is six, made him a picture frame. It was very cute. I love my dad, but there are a few things that especially stand out to me.

- He genuinely wants to do what's right in God's eyes.

- He's always let us know he loves us and is not at all sorry that he has four girls and no boys. (Actually he doesn't have much patience for boys.)

- He is a dreamer, I always remember him looking ahead at the future hopefully even when we barely had enough money for food.

- Dad is level-headed and easily reasoned with, but not unfeeling.

- He likes to do stuff like go on hikes, long drives down endless roads, fish, bike, snowmobile...

- There is nothing he can't fix. One of my friends said he could build a snowmobile out of a toaster. (Difficult but probably true.)

I want to be like my dad in all these areas. Hopefully...
But the last one I may not quite reach. ;)

waiting for You

Tonight a group from Immanuel Fellowship got together to pray about prayer. That sounds a little funny, but it's because we are having forty days of around the clock prayer later this summer. So the prayer tonight is also a time of listening to God for ideas on how He would like us to do a time of 24/7 prayer. As with any conversation listening requires one to wait for the other to talk. God was showing me some of what it is to wait for Him to speak while we were praying. Waiting can be agonizing. However, if I really want to hear what God has to say I won't mind too much. Any amount of waiting would be worth it. I was struck by how much I don't listen. Is God not Holy? Why then do I wait only when I want something? Why don't I wait listening just because He's God? He's God who created the whole universe and died to have a relationship with me that would save me from an eternal death. Doesn't He deserve to be waited upon? Why do I act like He should cater to me by speaking during the few hurried moments that I'm willing to give? Do I even begin to see God for who He is? God help me give You more of the honor You deserve....

church

As usual the camping trip was awesome. We went to Turquoise Lake near Leadville which is in sight of the second and third highest peaks in Colorado. I hiked about half way around the lake. I was awed by the beauty of it, at 10,000 feet it felt like being on top of the world. Thursday night it snowed a little, which added to the beauty in my opinion; I’ve always wanted to camp in the snow.

Well we did all the things I mentioned in my last post and a little snow ball throwing. During our gatherings around the fire (it was a bit cold some of the time) we talked about how the church is a community and a little of what that looks like. It always blesses me to hear how the church is the body of Christ or the bride of Christ or a temple. I used to be very disillusioned with church, but that was when I thought of it as merely a building. It’s so much more beautiful when I think of it as a family, something you’re part of always. A lifestyle rather than a building, that is what I want.

the nearness of God

When my heart was embittered
And I was pierced within,
Then I was senseless and ignorant;
I was like a beast before You.
Nevertheless I am continually with You;
You have taken hold of my right hand.
With Your counsel You will guide me,
And afterward receive me to glory.

Whom have I in heaven but You?
And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart and
my portion forever.
For behold, those who are far from You
will perish:
You have destroyed all those who are
unfaithful to You.
But as for me the nearness of God is my
good;
I have made the Lord God my refuge,
That I may tell of all Your works.

Psalm 73:21-28



A woman shared this verse during worship this Sunday. I want the attitude of this psalmist, he has an incredible trust in God. I want to learn to trust God that relentlessly even when the whole world seems to be falling apart around me. I will at least get to practice the “nearness” part. This week my church is going on a camping trip. It’s always been a great time to hang out with God. Everyone also has a lot of fun being with each other, we have meals together, a water fight, and an orienteering race every year. My friend Isaac posted about it and he’s got some pictures of last year’s trip if you want to see them. Well anyway, I’m leaving tomorrow, so I won’t be posting for a few days.

Your love is endless

You are here
In every broken tear
Through all my angry shouts

You don’t abandon
When I am unfaithful
When I shy away from love

Your love is endless
It chases me relentlessly
Though I fight it
I cannot win
Your love will have me
In the end You know
Though I fight, it’s all I want

You know my secret pain
The tears I cry in darkness
Know my hopeless rebellion
My desperation, the lostness
Every dark hole in my heart
You know it all better than I

Your love doesn’t end
Though I never deserve
You are always faithful
My God I can’t understand You!
I think I’m a brat but You say no
Sure of how unworthy I am
Yet You love me as if
As if somehow I did deserve
Steadfast and passionate
Just like I’d earned it!
But You earned it for me
God You’re awesome!
And I’m running out of words....

oops

Okay, so I'm new this blogging thing. My last post I accidentally posted twice, and I can't remove it. Sorry about that. ; )

take up your cross

“And he who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for my sake will find it.” Matthew 10:38,39

Paul’s an awesome example of how to live like Jesus asked in this verse, we talked about him last night in housechurch. He endured a lot for Jesus, so many beatings he lost count, given the thirty-nine lashes we saw in The Passion five times, beaten with rods three times, stoned by a mob, shipwrecked three times, imprisoned too many times to remember, and the list in 2 Corinthians 11:23-33 goes on. He totally gave up his life. It looks like it was worth it though, at the end of his life he was confident that he had lived out God’s purpose for him on earth. I want to be that confident at the end of my live. God would You give me Paul’s attitude on suffering for You?

take up your cross

“And he who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for my sake will find it.” Matthew 10:38,39

Paul’s an awesome example of how to live like Jesus asked in this verse, we talked about him last night in housechurch. He endured a lot for Jesus, so many beatings he lost count, given the thirty-nine lashes we saw in The Passion five times, beaten with rods three times, stoned by a mob, shipwrecked three times, imprisoned too many times to remember, and the list in 2 Corinthians 11:23-33 goes on. He totally gave up his life. It looks like it was worth it though, at the end of his life he was confident that he had lived out God’s purpose for him on earth. I want to be that confident at the end of my live. God would You give me Paul’s attitude on suffering for You?

Why blog?

Well, here's my blog. Why do I have one? To be honest I haven't quite figured that one out yet. Is it because I believe I have something worthwhile to say? Or just a need to feel heard? Whether or not I actually am heard is another story. ;) Anyway it's late but there will be more later.