chasing the sunrise?

Why have I named my blog "chasing the sunrise?" It's kinda off of a picture I've always had of what it's like to be a Christian.

Once I was in darkness, and all the light was fake and temporary. Then one day I saw the sunrise and knew there was more to life than me. Irresistibaly drawn I began to chase the sunrise. The beautiful thing about chasing the sunrise is that it comes towards me faster than I can run after it. And so though on my way I may have to run down into a valley or two and my path may take me into the shadow of a hill, we are always coming closer and closer to one another. My hope of seeing the full beauity of day cannot fail.

love

Can love go on?
When such a history haunts me?
My mind's been trained
The wounds still hurt

Can love remain?
You hurt me afresh
Stretched beyond my ability
Weary and weak, nothing left

Can love endure?
The battles you make me fight
How lonely I feel with you
The weight of secrets I hide

Can love last?
We both strain for the feeling
You don't give me what I need
Can I be what you need?

I've run out of my own
Long ago I was no longer able
wishing I could, knowing I can't
How long do I fight this trap?

God, You are the only pure source
The fountain that will not run dry
Take my weak love away
Give me what only You can give

With Your love I can give
No rewards for my labor
I can go on despite the past
I will endure through all

Your love will remain, keep it in me
I've got to learn to give this away
Got to learn the steady love
Teach me in this sharp land of pain

more classes

I started a couple more classes this week: Spanish and French. I think these are my favorite classes this semester. They will also be the most challenging and have the most homework. I guess learning a language requires more work.

keep me...

"For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it. And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." ~ Romans 8:24-28

"Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen." ~ Jude 1:24,25

What do I hope to see God do? I have a pretty long list of things I'd like to see happen in my life and the lives around me. It's easy for me to get discouraged when I see nothing happen, or worse, when I see the opposite happen.

In Spanish the word for hope is espirar. It means two things: to hope and to wait. It makes sense in that verse, "...for who hopes for what he already sees?" Sometimes though you come to a point of realization though. You realize that you've been trying to hard to be a hero and that what you are waiting for may never come. I have recently come to one of those points, it's not fun. I've been holding onto some hopes for too long and trying too hard. I think there's a point when you need to just let go of it because it's become a chain. Does that mean you stop hoping? I'm not sure, but I don't think so. Maybe you just put it aside, admit you tried and failed, and let the situation be what it's been. Keep peace as much as possible, but don't break your neck trying to change something that won't be changed. Just let it go to God, if He decides to change it fine, if not then it must be for the better somehow anyway.

And God does work all things for our good if we allow it. Even with all the messy human freewill and one's choices hurting another. Even in terrible injustice God's hand is not too weak, His creativity not so limited that He cannot find or create a way to make any situation work out for good. Sometimes looking back at my rather short life of twenty years I am awed by how God used situations that at the time seemed like they would be forever and hopelessly crippling to my walk with God. Amazingly they weren't. Hard yes, I wouldn't repeat them, but because of the value they've had in causing me to grow closer to God I would not trade them for anything. I've been called and God has a purpose in calling me. How could I ever think He wouldn't come in power to cause even dashed hopes to bring me closer to Him and train me to better carry our His purposes for me? Somehow I manage it. However He's teaching me trust. If a year ago I had gone through what I'm going through now I would've freaked out. A lot of people are also praying for me right now, which is probably a pivotal part of my not totally freaking right now. Maybe I'm learning to let go of the control and just trust that if God wants to make my dashed hopes reality He will, in His time. Till then all my best efforts are useless.

Sometimes when something hard happens in my life, or when I see a fear coming up on the horizon, I get worried that I won't be able to handle it. That is also one my biggest fears when I see a friend going through a hard time: that they will stumble and fall under the pressure. However, God's been showing me largely through my time in the prayer room, that it's not me that keeps my feet on the path. God is the one who keeps me. I've committed myself to Him. He shook heaven and earth to provide a way for me to be saved through His only Son. Will He easily let me fall once He's won my heart and I've begun to follow Him? That's ridiculous, of course not. He will keep me from falling. He will keep my friends who've committed themselves to Him from falling. He will make us "stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy." God is showing me that through the ups and downs I face in my relationship with Him, during the good and the bad times, He is in control and is working to accomplish His purposes in and through me. He will not let me fall far.

Sorry about the super long post. I just needed to sort through some of the things God has been teaching me lately. Now if only I could keep these lessons learned.....

peace

"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful." ~ Colossians 3:15

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 4:6,7

Peace, it's a hard won state of being. Seems kinda rare; even among Christians. What's stopping us? I don't know, I can never fugure out what stops me from living in that kind of peace. I think I have figured out that it's not me that does it, it's the "peace of Christ." I've been learning that it's all Jesus who puts His peace inside of me. If I try to do it I just get uptight. I'm also seeing the meaning of peace that surpasses all comprehension in a new way. I never understood it before the past two days. I've seen it now and I still don't understand it.

It's peace in the middle of the raging storm,
peace so deep that it's strong and unshakeable,
peace that completely contradicts the circumstances,
peace so calm you could curl up and fall asleep in it no matter what,
peace that allows you to stand and fight any battle fearlessly,
peace which lets you run with endurance beyond yourself,
peace so easy to keep because it keeps you,
peace with only One possible source.....

leaders' retreat

I got back from a retreat Tuesday (yes I know I'm behind, but access to a computer is quite limited these days) that Immanuel Fellowship had for the housechurch leaders.

The first night, Sunday, was kind of hard for me. I didn't feel like I belonged there, almost everyone else was older, more mature, had walked with God longer, and are just generally more experienced at leading. However as I watched everyone worship, God told me that really all of us feel that way. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. If we don't let it cripple us, then remembering how unfit we are for the job keeps us dependent on God. Actually, it's a lot better than thinking you know it all, doing it without God's help, and then screwing it up really badly. So I feel inadequate, I am, but God has called me to help lead this housechurch so I guess He must have a way to use me.

Monday we talked about vision. The way Mike illustrated it was as a pyramid. On the bottom level is Biblical Discipleship, basically living the life that Jesus lived and talked about. Next is Biblical Church Life, this is where everyone who is learning to live like Jesus learns among other things, to forgive, serve, and love each other like Jesus. The third and final level is Effective Ministry. As one level grows so do all the others, and each provides a foundation for the next. We talked about this last fall but somehow this time lights went on in my head, whereas before it didn't mean much for some reason. We also talked about effective follow-up of visitors, caring for the people in our housechurch, and discipling them. There are a lot of areas I need to work on to become a better housechurch leader.

Monday night God spoke something entirely off the subject of the retreat to me. It's really good that He does that sometimes. I've struggled a lot with jealousy toward some people who are very close to me. The last thing I wanted was for my jealousy to hurt them in any way. So in an attempt to protect them I've started trying to pull back whenever I feel it. (Or maybe I'm not that noble, maybe I just didn't want to feel bad so I back away.) Well God showed me that what I'm doing is not good. I need to pray for a heart that can be genuinely thankful that others have what they have. The only way for me to get it is to pray, I'm not that sweet on my own.

The retreat ended Tuesday. Over all it was a huge blessing and a good time to rest. The place we stayed was beautiful. God was really speaking to me but if I wrote it all here this post would be monster sized. It's already long, so I guess I've said enough.

quirks

Like any older car, mine has a few quirks. It leaks through the floor and every window - including the sunroof. The leaking sunroof was a real pain until my dad fixed it, it dripped right on me whenever it rained. It shakes between 65 and 70 mph. On top of this it leaks break fluid; I've become very proficient at changing the break fluid. Monday I discovered a new quirk: the speedometer doesn't work. However this quirk is kinda fun, I look down at the speedometer and it reads 115. However the shaking tells me I'm only doing, like, 70. When I first discovered this I burred the speedometer at 132, just to say I've done it. ; )

matthew 22:35-40

One of them, a lawyer, asked Him a question, testing Him, "Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?" And He said to him, "'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets."

Last night in housechurch we talked about what it would really look like if someone gave their lives to living these two commandments. I think, though no Christian would dare admit this, that we kinda consider these commandment optional. If we didn't consider them optional the world would be a radically different place. You would never hear of Christians being judgmental, self-righteous, hypocrites if we did. I say we because I'm as guilty as anyone. I've read this passage a lot, memorized it, even sang it, and I've thought I wanted to live it. But do I really? Do I really think it is all that important? Have I ever sat down with God and evaluated my life in an attempt to see if I live it? Looked at how I spend my money, approach friendships, and dream of the future? No.

God I need You to change my heart, tie these two commandments to it. I forget them so easily. Please teach me to really live like this....

continuing the prayer room

The forty days of prayer officially end on Tuesday. However, a lot of people in the church are saying they don't want it to end. Tonight it was decided that we will keep praying 24/7 through the month of September! God's done so much so far, I can't wait to see what more He will do with another 30.

reconciliation

One thing I was hoping would happen in the prayer room was reconciliation. It's happened, but not like I thought it would. There was one person I was not expecting nor desiring to learn to like; I've prayed with them a couple of times and God's changed my heart. Another who I wronged told me I was forgiven tonight. It feels very freeing to have these walls torn down.

when i grow up

The fall semester started this week, today is the last of three days of classes. I'm not taking many classes though, just a math and a science. I'll add a Spanish and a French, but I'm taking those with a different school so they start later.

Last summer and winter I was pretty sure I wanted to be a nurse and have been taking prerequisites for it. However over the last couple of semesters I've grown less and less sure. I do know that I don't just want to take the minimum amount of classes required to get into nursing school. I at least want to get my associate of science. It would give me more time to pray about my future; it would also allow for more options if I decided not to be a nurse.

What would I really like to be when I grow up? Hmm.... Actually the thought of not being in school learning something doesn't really appeal to me. If I could just find a job that makes me constantly learn new stuff then I would be very happy.

breaking bread

The housechurch spent some time praying for each other in the prayer room tonight. It was a good prayer time; we just did a spontaneous one on one thing. Afterwards I had the rather hard job of leading a discussion on the Lord's supper. It's something I've been wanting to do for a few months, ever since God suddenly gave me a deeper understanding of what it means. I've really been wanting to communicate what God showed me because I want other people to see how cool it is and enjoy it as much as I do. However I did not realize that it would be as hard as it turned out to be when I took the job/honor. I think it went okay though.

This is My Body....

This rite I've performed all my life
Once seeped in foreboding tradition
And clueless to any real meaning
Yet this is more than mere custom

The bread comes always first
"This is My body broken for you."
I take and pause before eating
What is this I do?

I eat this bread as a promise
It is my promise to share
The cross' suffering and death
I'm too weak, bound to fall always

Fearful, I've vowed too far
Now comes to me the cup
"This is my blood spilled for you."
What does this signify for me?

Though I fail, Jesus' blood never will
My promise I cannot hope to keep
Yet His promise will ever stand
This blood blots out every failure

Much more than empty tradition
This simple act defies religion
The flesh and blood of a living faith
Our declaration of His redeeming death

personal care provider

Over the last few weeks my new job as a personal care provider has gone well. I really like my patient and she likes me. However it's kind of stressful at times. One day I'll have so much to do that I go way past the time when I'm supposed to get out. Random things often come up which cause everyday tasks which I can do in five minutes to take me twenty. Way too much to do and not nearly enough time. Other days I get everything done very quickly and am bored out of my mind and racking my brain to find a productive use of the time I'm being paid to work at her house. I don't want to waste paid time doing unimportant things - or worse, nothing. Most of the time I can't leave early because there's that one thing I'm still waiting on, like the laundry in the dryer. Yet none of this tries my patience much, I try to see it as just part of the job.

By far the thing that gets to me the most is the Wal-Mart pharmacy. In my experience, the average wait is an hour. Big chunk of wasted time if there is not much shopping to do and very frustrating. A lesson in patience hopefully. (I'm still a little sore about missing most of my sister's birthday Friday.)

Basically my job is to take four hours a day, five days a week and make sure my patient's life runs smoothly 24/7 to the best of my power. It's a big responsibility, but very rewarding. It's teaching me patience, organization, responsibility, problem solving, and servanthood more than most other jobs could. Also my patient's a sweet woman, and her sincere thanks at the end of every day is always good to hear. She let's me know I'm doing a good job and really helping her. Overall I'd say this is the best job I've ever had.

baptisms

Today after church six of my friends were baptized in a river. I felt a little bad for them because the water was very cold. After the initial gasp of shock at the coldness of the water they were all smiling. I guess being baptized is definitely worth it. I was baptized when I was fifteen during a mission trip to Peru. Though I had prayed a prayer when I was five, I had really just decided to follow Jesus two months before the trip. It was on the fourth of July in a little lake in a zoo fed by the Amazon's water (yes it did contain piranhas, but it's relatively safe in the shallows). Kind of a unique setting for a baptism. I remember it meant a lot to me. A really hard time the previous year had caused me to rethink my relationship with God and realize that at best I only maybe had fire insurance. I knew I needed more; I needed friendship, freedom from sin, and something to live for. For me it was a break from the darkness of all that I had discovered myself to be and a promise to give my life completely to God. A declaration that my life was His forever. It felt so awesome, more than worth it in any water temperature. ; )

Julie's birthday

Today is my little sister's seventh birthday. For me it was a complicated day. I went to work, planned housechurch, and registered for college classes. Then due to complications with my job as a personal care provider I had to go back to work at 5:00 because the pharmacy had not had my patient's prescriptions earlier in the day. Arriving at Wal-Mart at about 5:20 I was in for a two and a half hour wait. It was very frustrating, I learned to play some games on my new cell phone, bummed around the store boredly shopping with no intention to buy anything, returning ever thirty minutes or so to see if they were done yet. I admit I got angry with them, two and a half hours is a lot of time for frustration to build. On top of that my little sister lives almost an hour away from me. I did not get home until 9:00, but I think in the end I was much more upset about it than Julie was. She was so adorable when she was opening her presents. My mom has to take a picture of each one and Julie's anything but camera shy. She comes up with the cutest poses. She liked all the presents I got her at Wal-Mart. So I guess some good did come of all the time I spent there today. :S

back to night shifts

Sorry I haven't posted much lately, my access to a computer has been sketchy since I moved. I'm last in line at my new house. Anyway, my times in the prayer room have been really good. God's been speaking to me a lot, and answering questions that have taunted me for awhile. He's been doing a lot in my heart and at the same time I'm seeing how very, very far I've yet to go. It's simultaneously really awesome and a little discouraging. The last two weeks have been exciting like that. I'm over being sick so I've started taking the late night and the early morning shifts again. I think maybe I do like the night shifts a little better. Maybe because I feel like I'm sacrificing more, or because it seems less conventional. Well actually it's probably because at those times I've got less on my mind because the day's over. That's all for now, I'll try to get to the computer more often this week. I'm not making any promises though. ; )

week one

The prayer room started Friday.  I did post about it but something went wrong and my entire blog freaked out.  So I had to delete that post.  : (
 
Anyway the prayer room's first week has gone very well.  The problem is not finding enough people to fill a day with prayer, the problem is getting alone.  I've spent twelve hours there and only had the room all to myself for two of them!  But I like sharing it, I couldn't ask for a better "problem."  People are really feeling God's presence there and are almost irresistibly drawn back.  Last night someone from a housechurch I go to on Thusdays became a Christian after talking with someone in the prayer room!  And we're just starting! 

The best times are late at night or early in the morning.  From what I've heard that's when you can find the most people over there praying.  Unfortunately I've been sick with laryngitis this week and haven't been able to go at night.  I get tired way too fast.  Strange when I was a kid I always thought it would be cool to have laryngitis, because I was shy and it would give me an excuse not to talk to people.  I'm not really that shy anymore and I've decided it's definitely not as great as I thought it would be.  On the up side my boss decided I looked pretty bad yesterday and gave me today off.  I've also had some good times in the prayer room during my afternoon shifts.  God's really been speaking to me there.  So night shifts aren't the only good ones.  ; )   

anticipation

A group started transforming the church office into a prayer room tonight.  While we were praying about the room I was thinking of the shifts I signed up for.  I can't wait.  The cool thing is that while I was feeling this I got this sense that neither can God, He's looking forward to this way more than I am.  He's not just looking forward to my prayer slots, but every single person's.  It amazes me how God can love us so much as individuals, how intimately He knows each person, almost as if each one was the only one.  At the same time He's able to build unity into groups, teach people lessons together, cause people to grow as a group, and work through a time of corporate prayer like the 40 days coming up.  It kinda blows my mind how He does it all; He's too awesome for me to ever understand.

learning to worship

When I was fourteen I was on the worship team at a church I used to go to.  At the time I was very prideful, every week someone would give me a complement on how beautiful my voice was or how pretty I looked on stage.  That was why I sang: to get complements for myself, not to bring God glory.  Really I was attempting to take glory from God for myself.  About a year and a half latter I got more serious about my relationship with God and quit singing on the worship team.  How could I?  I hadn't been doing it for God. 
 
Five years latter I still feel it even though I've repented: the guilt that my pride left me.  It's really hard for me to worship in a group sometimes.  I'm afraid people are going to hear me sing.  My best worship times tend to be at delirious? concerts where no one can hear my voice.  I guess it's a little funny, most people are afraid to sing in a group because they feel they have a bad voice not because they have a good one.  I still sing on the worship team occasionally when the chuch I'm now a part of asks me to, but not without a lot of prayer.  There are always complements to my voice which make me really uncomfortable.  I guess I don't fully trust myself. 
 
Last night a group of us were worshiping and God started speaking to me.  He told me that He made my voice and I don't have to be ashamed of it.  If my heart is in the right place a complement to my voice can actually give glory to the One who designed it.  And He likes my voice, He likes to hear me sing, and He likes to hear me sing well.  I know it's not all about how I sound when I worship (make a joyful noise to the Lord), but if that noise can also be beautiful that's okay too.  It was really encouraging to hear that from God, I've been so worried about my voice being a distraction.  But He designed it to sound the way it does on purpose, and He likes it.  That excites me, God likes my voice.  Last night was the best time of worship I've had since the last time I was at a delirious? concert.

prayer room sign-up

Today people started signing up for prayer slots next week.  Our 40 days of 24-7 prayer begins Friday.  Many slots are still available, except from about 1:00 to 4:00 in the morning, those disappeared fast.  Friday seems so close; we still have a lot to do to make the room ready.  At the ame time I wish it had already started, every time I think about it I get so excited.  I know God is going to work in us, teach us to pray like never before, heal us, bring new people into the church, and teach us how to love Him more.  I can't help but smile whenever I think of it.  This is going to be amazing.