Week of Fasting Hopes

In about two minutes I begin a week of fasting.  Every year Immanuel Fellowship has a week-long fast.  Sound impressive?  Well this is only the third year we have had this tradition.  But I hope it sticks.  It seems time every time I do a fast (even some of the silly, alternatives to all-out fasting) God really speaks to me and things happen.

At the risk of waxing nostalgic I can't help but think of the spring semester when Jacque and I fasted every Friday.  I was 23 and feeling like a huge, broken mess.  Failure may have been a better word for what I felt.  Ruined?  Unfixable?  You get the picture.  Every Friday all I prayed was, "God do whatever You want in me, whenever You want to do it.  If You want to do noting and leave me as I am, that's okay.  If You want to change things about me that I am uncomfortable with, that's okay.  What You do is up to You.  Only please, please, let Your hand be free to work in my heart."  As the year progressed, I also asked God to have a free hand to discipline me if that's what it took to keep me from sinning against Him and dishonoring His name.  I now look back on that year as one that went from being very dangerous to very life-changing for good.

I had a boyfriend for a little while that year.  I dated him because I needed attention, and because I thought I couldn't do any better.  (Bad Jennifer, bad.)  He wanted to marry me and would talk about having kids and such.  At the time I thought all my dreams of ever being a missionary were over so there was a minute where I actually wondered if I should just go ahead with that guy.  I thought maybe I didn't matter anymore because I was a mess.  God really helped me see that He had other plans (and that anyway I'd be much happier single than with that guy).  I can't count how many times I've looked back on this situation with a heart full of thanks that I got out of that relationship. 

Later that year I ended up joining the MDS, or Missional Discipleship School, that my church did and moved to Mexico City on a church-planting team.  It was like my life began a new chapter the week I started that school.  God quickly pulled me out of a rut I'd been in for years.  Beginning then, and continuing till now I've been growing so fast spiritually that it makes me dizzy.  I feel like God's done so much in my heart I can't keep up.  So many things that I thought would never, could never heal in me are now problems of the past or dim shadows of the struggle they once were.  When I remember where I was four years ago, and remember how hopeless I was that I could change, I feel so amazed at God.  His redemption is more powerful than we think.

Hmmm....  I meant to write my hopes for this week of fasting, but my train of thought ran away with me.  Whenever I think of fasting, I remember that year, the prayers I was praying, and God's protection and faithfulness to work in me.  It always makes me excited to fast and see what God will do next.

Adventures in Tech

This week I:

• Started a Facebook for Immanuel Fellowship
• Read up on the ins and outs of Facebooking for organizations
• Linked the Facebook to our church website (Harder than it sounds for a semi-tech, I had to get my Grandma to help me.  Yes, my Grandma.)
• Put lots of photos on our Facebook.
• Read up on podcasting, starting from near-zero knowledge.
• Downloaded a podcasting platform, MediaCore, only to discover that it was not exactly made with windows in mind.
• Removed this platform.
• Signed up for a much easier, no-download-required podcasting platform called PodBean.
• Got our PodBean all set up and ready for Sunday's message.
• Began to look for tutorials on how to record both the English message and the Spanish translation simultaneously in Audacity with only one mic jack.
• When tutorials on this subject turned out to be hard to find, I called the sound guy who already knew how this is done in Audacity.
• Thanked the sound man for saving me hours of work trying to figure it out myself.

I didn't know that I had all these things to figure out until Tuesday afternoon.  It needed to be done by this Sunday, because of our up-coming week of prayer and fasting.  The short notice is the result of having these perfect (yes perfect, they solve many tech problems we've had) ideas suggested to us on Monday.

About midnight last night though, I hit a wall in everything.  I really thought there was no possible way that launching a facebook and a podcast were going to happen in the same short week.  So I went to bed and woke up with new solutions and ideas in my head.  They have worked, as far as I can tell.  We'll see Monday when I try to post it.  My job is never boring.

Times, They Are A-Changin'

It has been almost nine months since I last blogged. I may not have any readers anymore. I guess that's okay for now. I deserve it I'm sure. :p

The last year has been jam-packed full of changes. And everything has happened so fast my head hasn't stopped spinning all year. Let's see, my last posting was from Mexico City. That was a busy trip, the main thing we did was develop a discipleship course.

After I got back from Mexico I started doing odd, unwanted administrative jobs for Immanuel Fellowship. One in particular was to stalk (ahem, I mean "find") every person who's ever been a part of the church over the last ten years so that we could invite them to a ten year reunion. It was a chore. We've been a church for ten years, well almost eleven as the even was last Easter, and I've been a part for nine. I'm glad I've had the chance to see a church "grow up" in core values and vision the way I've seen Immanuel do over the years. It's been exciting to see it all unfold from nearly the beginning. But I think the next ten years will be even more exciting.

After my exemplary stalking, I was given more administrative tasks, until I was hired officially and for pay in June. Since then I have worked full time as the administrative/fundraising/techy/graphic-designing/secretarial/webmaster/finance-person of the church. It's been a great fit. I am the church's first full-time employee other than the pastor. Because of this there has been a lot of catch-up work to do like organizing things around here that have never been organized. That's not always so fun. However, to compensate I've gotten to learn Photoshop, Illustrator, and Dreamweaver, which have all been quite fun. That's not the half of the new things I've learned on this job, but the list is long so I'll leave you with the fun ones.

This job is different and throws new challenges my way every week. I've been constantly learning the last five months since I started working full time. I feel like I've learned enough to get another associate's degree. It's been fun. The thing I always hated about every other job was that once I learned it there would never be anything new to learn. Learning excites me, even when it's frustrating. For this reason I have promised myself several times that I would never work in an office again. There are boring office days with this job, but at least I know that when I finish the boring job there will be a much more interesting one after. There aren't too many very dull jobs around here.

Also, I've transferred to CSU Global, and am finally in my third year of college. At this rate I hope to graduate by thirty. I'm getting my degree in Organizational Leadership with a specialization in non-profits. Online is not so bad as I thought and actually I'm liking it so far. I'm generally excited about life when I'm not dizzy with at the good changes. :D

busy busy

Yes, I know my mom asked me to blog a lot while I was in Mexico but I've been a lot busier than expected. It seems like I've spent part of every day out and about. Mexicans are such welcoming people and a lot of my time has been spent out with people from the church here. We've also been working on several projects.

One is that we are developing a discipleship course. This requires a whole little team of us. Mike is adapting and in some cases rewriting discipleship material we got from a church in Texas. Then Anissa and Irma translate it into French and Spanish respectively. After all this I am the one who does all the formatting to get the three versions all looking alike and pretty. Anissa, Miri, Abby, and I have then been going through the course together. This last part, naturally is my favorite and the most fun as we've gotten to know each other better through it.

Also, the young people at the church here decided to do the Lifehouse skit which the MDS used last year. So we made sure that all the challenging roles went to those who actually live here (so Anissa and I both gave up our roles from last year and took simpler parts) so that they can easily replace us and do it later without us. Mike named me the director of this production at the last minute which was unexpected. I was kind of nervous and generally I try to avoid being in a position of relative authority, but it went really well. We learned the drama, though we never had the opportunity to preform it. I'll admit I had fun being the director, though working with highschoolers is like hearding cats, lol. Once when they were almost too hyper to practice I made them run through the skit and say everything their character was thinking. They begged and promised to be good, but I made them anyway. It was hilarious. :p

Anissa and I also went through, cleaned, and organized the kitchen and other parts of the house. We grocery shopped, cooked and ate a lot. (O my, we ate a lot. You can't help it when you're in Mexico, and with all these wonderful tacos I can't object.) And did a little bit of sight-seeing, though as we've all lived here before we didn't need to do much of that.

I hope that catches all interested parties up on my life in Mexico so far. ;)

a bit of forethought

I really never give God enough credit.  I live my life as if He might forget me one of these days.  I know better, I really do.  I have read and heard and seen and experienced enough to know that God is not going to forget me, not even in little ways.  However, there is a disconnect somewhere between my brain and heart.  

Somewhere between my brain and my heart a lot of little pieces of truth about who God is just get lost and thus are never lived out in my life.  I am reading a book called "Jesus, the One and Only" by Beth Moore.  I'm at the beginning, the part where Gabriel tells Mary she's going to have a baby and He will be the Savior.  (Luke 1:26-56)  The author points out a little something that I have neve thought about before.

Picture this, Mary is about thirteen, engaged, and a virgin.  Her pregnancy with the coming Messiah will be a bit tricky to explain; no one's going to believe for a second that she's still a virgin - not even her own parents.  Back then this was a huge deal; Mary is probably going to be dumped by her fiancé and is now a potential candidate for stoning.  These facts have always left me in awe of Mary's bravery and her willingness to obey God.

Now in this turmoil look at verse 36.  God could've had John the Baptist born into any family.  God chose Mary's older cousin Elizabeth.  God gave Mary someone who would understand her pregnancy, someone she could talk to without being condemned, one friend to defend her and back up her story.  I never before realized how much Mary would need a friend, someone to tell her parents to believe her story.  God didn't just commission Mary to carry baby Jesus, He also took care of all the details.

I know God takes care of details, but I've never really thought of Him as someone who takes care of "unimportant" things like relationships.  I tend to expect Him to leave me alone in that area.  A new truth for the mind, but can it break through to my heart?

Regresado a Mexico

I know, a post titled "Returned to Mexico" should've been published a week and a half ago upon my arrival, but I've been much busier than I was expecting.  

I am visiting the church in Mexico for three weeks.  This trip wasn't planned very far in advance and I wasn't too very excited.  Don't get me wrong - I was very happy to be coming back to Mexico City, I guess I was just so busy the weeks leading up to my trip that I didn't really have time for it to sink in. 

It hit me about the time that the million lights of the city came into view outside the window of the airplane.  Suddenly this contented warmth filled me as I gazed out my window.  How can I describe it without sounding trite?  Only someone who loves this city would understand.  Can I explain how it feels to come home to a place where you only lived for four months?  Or the thrill of defying death in the notorious traffic of the D.F.*?  The familiarity of the gigantic billboards that line every major street?  The buildings painted colors that would be considered scandalously bright in the U.S.?  The tacos?  

I can't explain this city, but those who have been here and fallen in love with it know.  There's something about this city that's intoxicating.  Maybe it's the population of 40 million.  Maybe it's the feeling of excitement and a little danger that makes it seem like anything could happen.  Maybe it's the myriad of subtle cultural differences that just keep life new and interesting.  It could simply be the fact that I traded three feet of snow in my yard for summer weather and a garden full of flowers.  Whatever the case, I feel like I'm standing at the center of the world when I'm here and I'm so glad to be back.

*Distrito Federal, otherwise known as Mexico City. ;) 

I am now an official graduate of CMC and the proud holder of an Associates degree. Well, not too proud as a degree from a junior college is only really the halfway point I guess and anyone with such a degree is left with the glaring question, "Now what?" No matter what I choose though, it's nice to have it finished.

faith?

I've been thinking about faith a lot lately. I'm beginning to wonder if the simple word faith really communicates the reality. It seems like we use the word to describe belief. You have faith in God or you have faith that God will do such-and-such thing in your life. Sometimes it seems like having faith in the face of impossible circumstances is some kind of virtue that we trust in to move mountains.

I've often thought that this is a little ironic and wondered if the mountains are moved by my faith or if they are moved by the One I have faith in. We so easily get wrapped up in ourselves and our agendas that we (I being very guilty) treat God like some kind of genie that will grant our wishes if we believe hard enough. And if the wishes weren't granted than we must conclude that there is a problem either with our faith or with God. But is this really what faith is? Is faith really just belief that something will happen? I think it's deeper than this, a lot deeper.

I've always been struck by Jeremiah 17:5-8 and the contrast it paints between those who trust in mankind and those who trust in God. I've wondered if faith is at it's heart closer to something like trust than the close-minded, trying-too-hard demands we often make. I wonder if faith is being more willing to let go of what I think should happen and trusting that whatever God does will be good, weather He rescues me or lets me walk through the fire. I admire the courage of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego when they said, "..our God whom we serve is able to save us from the furnace and out of your hand king, but even if He doesn't, let it be known that we will not serve your god."

This is hard-core trust in God, to be able to stare into the fire you are about to be thrown into and say, "My God can save me, but even if He choses not to I will not bow." Do we have faith in God Himself, in His character or only in what He can do? Yes He can do all that we ask, but what if He has bigger plans that we don't see? What happens to our trust in God when He says no? What if He says no to a desperate need? Where is our faith then? Can we go on needing and not knowing why and still trust? And trust is something deeper than the surface of our circumstances and emotions. Faith is so much more than the moment. I have not been a shining example of faith. I get scared very easily. I question God, and wonder where He is and what He's doing. Despite all this, I've seen Him work incredible things in my life even during times where I flat-out refused to hope, couldn't bring myself to hope, that anything could be done to save me from whatever fire I was facing.

God is not tied to our faith. He chooses to limit Himself to working with us through our prayers, but I think we don't give Him nearly enough credit for what He can do within those limitations. God remembers our hearts to love and serve Him even when we are so disillusioned that we can't even pray for the strength to serve Him. God remembers the prayers we prayed in faith years after we've quit believing that He ever heard those particular prayers. He is not dependent on our daily ups and downs. We equate faith with an emotion way too much. We feel faith. Naturally human beings have days where we feel like we can believe in what we don't see and we have days where that feeling of belief is entirely out of reach. That feeling is not faith. Faith is the deeper trust in God, it's beyond emotion. (But wouldn't Satan like to tell you your faith is non-existent on your bad days? It's a lie.) It's the trust that lets me know I can come to God and talk to Him about how little I feel like I trust Him on a given day. It's the trust that knows that God will answer my prayers His way and it will be good. It's trust that even if my faith isn't big enough, my God has not changed and He is still more than big enough. So often the thing we have faith in is nothing more than our own faith. That's silly. My faith is nothing next to my God.

And God knows what's next. He knows what's best. I've had Him refuse to answer some of my most desperate prayers for inner change only to find out later that He had plans to use my weakness in some huge way before allowing me to grow in that area. I've prayed prayers once and then forgotten them only to have God remind me of my prayer years later after He had answered it. I have feared the worst, seen every fear and more come true, lost my ability to believe that God would ever do anything in my life again, and still been carried through every hard place (kicking and screaming) despite my lack of trust in God to help me. I've prayed trembling, afraid, and pitiful, and still seen God work. Maybe this is the mustard seed of faith that Jesus talks about, not that we have the power to command the mountains but that we know, small and scared as that knowledge may be, that whatever God does will somehow be good even if it's not what we thought we needed and we will never stop following God no matter what.

In all our prayers we need to remember that faith is far deeper than emotion. We rarely need as much as we think we do. God's bigger than our prayers and His timing is perfect. He will teach us to trust Him. And until then (and always) He is faithful even when we are not.

full-time everything?

So fall classes have started. This semester I've decided to try both working full time and taking classes full time. Things could get hectic. I'm really liking all my classes though so maybe it won't be so bad. I am taking:

• Astronomy 101, it's four credits of online science and the math may just be my undoing, but I really like science so I could survive. It will be exciting to see how I do.
  
• Intro to Computer Information Systems, also online. You can't graduate from my school without taking this one. The chapters run about 40+ pages long but It's way more interesting than I expected it to be.
• Spanish Cinema, my one and only actual class-room class. It's been weird so far but I talked to the teacher today and I think it will get better. At least I'll get to polish up my Spanish a bit.
• Poetry Writing, again online and we watch, listen to, and read a lot of poetry. As a class we've only bee required to write one little haiku poem but it's put me in a near - continual state of poetic inspiration so notebook pages are being filled with my musings.
  

Naturally, the poetry class is hands - down my favorite. The only classes I need to graduate are the astronomy and computer classes, the rest I just threw in there to stay on my parents' insurance (I have to be full time to be under their insurance). The last few weeks I've felt like I bit off more than I can chew, and though that is somewhat typical I am hoping to get into the swing of it here soon. ;)

untitled

Wounded heart
I accept loneliness
An easy habit
My own burden

We had something once
I breathed Your beauty
It wrapped me up
And made my joy free

Precious things
So very fragile
I let it slip away
The fault is mine

You are faithfulness
From my own death
You have saved me
No death too deep

Here I stand alive
But scars cut still
I walk the peripheral
Locked in mourning

A girl in love
Once the mention
Of Your holy name
Brought me a smile

Now I wait
Outside and cold
Uncomplaining
Unworthy

But in my heart
The deep ache
Of love I lost
Memory of what was

And I hunger
Keeping my silence
I've lost faith in love
The child is gone

The emptiness wins
Taunting my iron will
I will be faithful
And hope for nothing more

Could I hope?
I know Your heart
It aches more than mine
Can I love You again?

Will You awake
The dead love in me?
Bring me back into
The joy of my youth?

I remember dully
The joy that we had
The reality of You
A love beyond beauty

The broken cynic
That haunts my mind
Cries impossible
And hope is strangled

But You made the stars
Turned water to wine
And have raised the dead
Nothing is impossible

Oh God keep saving me!
Breathe life into my heart
Melt the hopeless dull
Build the fire again

Awake in me the love
That sleeps within
Capture my heart
Teach me to dream

singing in the rain

Immanuel Fellowship does not own a building. I've always appreciated this. It makes it easier to grasp the fact that church is not a building or a meeting on Sunday morning, it is people following Jesus together.

This is sometimes inconvenient, like when we have to set up for Sunday's meeting on Saturday night. Mostly though I like it. I like the feeling that people in the church are the church 24/7. I think this buildinglessness (I always feel childishly proud of myself when I invent a new word) also helps create the sense of community we have. I feel like I don't have to wait till Sunday to see someone.

We rent our Sunday space from the Senior Center and meet in homes during the week. This Sunday was their annual rummage sale and consequentially it's our annual Sunday in the park. This is one of the Sundays I really look forward to. I always like it when we meet outside, weather it's during the rummage sale or one of our camping trips. I guess it somehow makes me feel more connected to the early church fathers and the persecuted church. I know they didn't/don't always their gatherings outside. I suppose for me these outside Sundays remind me of the church's placelessness on earth. How the church cannot be confined and limited to a building or a time or a country. It's a clearer glimpse of what we really are.

Usually we are blessed with a perfect sunny day during the rummage sale. This year we got a different blessing. We got cold mountain rain. Fortunately we are all hearty mountain people so we were prepared with the appropriate clothing. I was especially glad for the rain. I am a recent addition to the worship team and this week all the other female vocalists were either gone, or too pregnant to sing. Being the only girl up there is the next best thing to singing a solo so I was fairly nervous. Logistical problems during the worship time make feel like I can relax and worship because no one is thinking about me, they are ether distracted or trying harder to focus on God. This may be a bad attitude. I don't know. As you can see the worship team had to stand close to the edge of the gazebo and we got a little wet. It was fun, I like Colorado weather.

contentment

Philippians 4 "...Rejoice in the Lord always; again I say rejoice...Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God...Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."

This is one of those chapters I might be tempted to conveniently ignore - if Paul hadn't written it from the inside of a prison cell. However the whole writing about contentment while in prison thing forces me to take this passage seriously. I'm not a person who does blind faith very well. I have troubles living out the pieces of Christianity that are too deep for me to grasp with my mind. This can make for slow going in my walk with God sometimes. Things like always rejoicing, being content, and being thankful really don't make sense to me. How are we supposed to rejoice when things are going badly? How do we have a thankful heart for the things that suck in life? How can we be honestly content when our needs are not met? I want to obey God in these areas of my life but I don't want to fake it. God sees where my heart really is anyway so there isn't much point in trying to pretend I am thankful, joyful, or content when I'm not.

Lately I've been trying to study artistic composition. The little watercolor paintings I create can be rather uninspiring I think one of my problems is bad composition. One thing I keep seeing over and over is this talk about negative space. Negative space is the empty spaces around the subject of your painting. So say if you paint a vase of flowers the negative space is the blank, uninteresting wall behind that vase of flowers. Negative space is the void. The shapes and patterns created by the negative space, though easily over looked, can make or break a composition. The keep it simple and uncluttered, they help lead the viewer's eye through the painting, they create depth and balance and more. Basically the empty spaces in a painting are very important.

How does this relate to my long-standing dilemma over Philippians 4? Well, I have a problem rejoicing, giving thanks, or being content when the things in my life aren't going as I planned. I have my list of requests I make to God, and many of my requests are things I honestly think I need. I am a light packer, both literally and figuratively, I tend to think the needs on my list are quite basic. God provides but so often He doesn't give me most of what's on my list - He even withholds many of things I thought were very basic. Sometimes it feels like there are a lot of unfilled voids and empty negatives in my life. In response to this I stop rejoicing, being thankful or content. It just doesn't make sense to me how or why I should. I try to do what the Bible says, but blind obedience was never my strong point. However, Paul wrote this convicting passage while imprisoned, and the persecuted church continues to worship God with a sincerity that shames me.

It's so easy to get focused on the negative spaces in my live, the voids, and the places where God's idea of my basic needs turned out to be quite different from my own. I don't understand all the reasons why, and I never will; I'm too small for that. I'm thinking it all comes down to trust in God. Trust that His ways are higher and that Someone smart enough to create the universe is smart enough to run my life. I can obey Paul's words if I can wrap my mind around the fact that God is a master artist. Unlike my little paintings He knows how to use the negatives and voids that life brings and make something amazing out of them. I'm beginning to suspect that maybe the things that God doesn't give us are themselves gifts just as precious as those things we are given.

I've walked with God long enough that I can look back with this new perspective and actually see where and how he has used some of my negatives to weave profound threads of beauty into my life. In hind sight there isn't a rough time that I would go back and trade for an easy time. But I'm so quick to forget what God has done in the past whenever I'm faced with some new trial. It would be laughable if it wasn't so sad. One more thing to put in His hands and beg Him to change in me. Basically I can be thankful, content and rejoice because God knows what He's doing and He never makes mistakes.

mobile like the wind

Today I finished moving into the house of my pastor and his wife. This would be the sixth place I have lived since this time last year. My parents were nomads growing up but I think this is a record even for me. I've come to appreciate my singleness a lot more these last twelve months. I know this new appreciation is because, as a single I am very mobile and very flexible. I can move wherever the wind of God's call takes me - and do on very little notice. It's exciting and unpredictable and I love it!

heros

I just read a very interesting article on Focus on the Family's websight PluggedIn. This is my first time looking at this sight; I wanted to check on a movie for my littlest sister. While looking up the movie I needed to check on I found this article. It is some thoughts on our postmodern culture and the rising popularity of superhero movies. It seems like a relativist culture would not enjoy superhero movies because they are full of absolutes; right and wrong, good and evil, heros and villains. Yet superhero movies do very well in the box office.

Deep in our hearts I think that humanity knows truth, we just get mixed up sometimes. I wonder, like the writer of this article, if the rise of hero movies could be tied to something deeper. Are people longing to know what is right and to give their lives - even sacrifice to be a hero, do right, and make the world a better place? I think so. I see a lot of apathy in my generation, yet I also see this side that wants to be a hero, that is extreme and thrill - seeking. I'm praying that we embrace our extreme side before age and life settle in and we forget our dreams of making a difference in the world around us.

pain

There used to be this policy in my family that we were never allowed to throw old schoolwork away. As a result of this policy I had a box of old school work dating all the way back to sixth grade. Being an adult I was recently informed that I now have the right to go through and get rid of any old homework I no longer need. I did so this morning. It was a very interesting job.

I noticed a drastic change about ninth grade. In middle school I was absolutely convinced that I was the stupidest, shallowest person in my class. Feeling that there was nothing I could do about it, I usually lived up to my own expectations. Then, in the middle of my eighth grade year, the private school relocated and I couldn't go anymore. Basically I lost my social life and saw my closest friend from the school only on rare occasions. I homeschooled (read: no classmates) I was very lonely and got pretty depressed. Then God began to pull on my heart in a new way and became my only Friend. My freshman year of highschool arrived and it seemed like big things just kept going wrong in my life. Too big for a fifteen-year-old to handle kinds of things. Stuff I couldn't do anything about. On top of it all I was shy and friendless. The next year, at sixteen I began going to a new private school. I no longer believed I was shallow with nothing to say. Looking through my old school assignments I see a seemingly sudden depth. I went into the new school still believing I was not very smart, and that I would be the kid who struggles to maintain a C average. This time though, rather than give in to a mediocre school performance I determined to try my best anyway. Turns out I had a straight A student hiding in there.

Why am I talking about this? I've been thinking about pain the last few months. Pain seems senseless. This is true no mater what kind of pain it is. A young toddler who bumps his head and cries probably doesn't understand or appreciate his pain any more than the man who loses his family in a car accident.

Not that I'm saying all pains and tragedies are equal; they are not. Only that in our own private little hearts our pain can seem so huge and overwhelming and impossible to understand. We ask why these things are happening. Usually it seems there is no answer to our most heart-wrenching questions. Only silence seems to meet these types of prayers echoing back our own pain. In the bigger struggles of just a few years ago I was guilty of crumbling under the weight of such unanswered pain. It's so hard to believe that God is still with me loving me when the whole world seems to be falling apart around me. When He doesn't stop it from happening.

Pain changes us in ways that we could never predict or appreciate while we are in it. At least in my times of greatest pain I can only see how it's ruining me. How I am weaker, more insecure, less capable than before. Often I have gotten angry feeling like God allowed pain into my life and then didn't even use it for good.

I'm starting to think of pain as a cruel shovel digging my soul deeper. Something that is made deeper can do two things. It can just be a bigger empty space and in that way merely highlight every past pain and the injustice of it all. Or something that is made deeper can be a bigger empty space that has a greater capacity to hold more of God's life. I've found the second to be true in my life. When I am honest with God about where I am and how I hurt, even how unfair I think it is; when I pray and seek to find God in the pain and know He is with me even when silent; when I trust Him as far as I can praying that He will build in me the capacity for trust I lack; when, to sum up, I focus on following Him however struggling that following may be then I begin to see my pains redeemed.

It is not anything I do. I am quite UNsaintly when it comes to enduring suffering. I can fall into despair and self-pity quite easily. Yet somehow God doesn't let us fall out of His hands - even when in our self-destructiveness we would jump out of His hands. Somehow despite all my anger and inability to understand pain, God uses it all to empty me further. Then, to pile grace on top of grace, once emptied God helps me choose to allow Him to fill me rather than focus on self-pity. Often in the middle of pain I feel like God isn't there, but it has been through that same pain that I have been allowed to glimpse His loving grace most fully.

pause

I feel like someone hit the pause button on my life. Since coming back from Mexico I've hardly left my parents' house. I have no friends in their little town, no school, no job. Nothing. I'm going through my stuff and throwing out old clothes. Other than that there is absolutely nothing for me to do in this town but go on walks. I'm not really frustrated yet, but I know if this lasts much longer I will be.

a world away

I am sitting in my parents' basement in a small ranch town in Colorado. As Joel described it while driving me to the airport on Wednesday, a world away from Mexico City. I've moved nearly once for every year I've been alive. Usually I'm quite excited about the coming change. Leaving Mexico would be my first time not being excited to move.

The past four months that I have spent living in Mexico have been a confusing mixture. As I have prepared to leave I've been asked many times why I like Mexico so much. Usually my answers come out sounding incredibly shallow and lame. I just can't seem to quite describe what it is I love so much. I'm going to try anyway. I think I just can't get over Mexican culture. There is such an open kindness that seems to be so normal there. The culture has this electric mix of the ancient and the cutting edge that never gets boring. Mexico is shamelessly as full of color as a garden in full bloom. And there is this element of mystery and a little danger that I find irresistible. I have definitely fallen head-over-heels for this country.

On the other hand it was very difficult for me to live with so many people. I can get kind of weird with roommate situations. Something inside my head tells me that things will be better if I am as invisible as possible. I have been called the ghost roommate. All my former roommates have made comments about how I'm never around. I have felt that if I'm gone all the time or very quiet and invisible when home that my roommates will take longer to get tired of me and want me to leave. Nonsense, but the thing in my head that says it is really loud. During my time in Mexico God has been working on my fear of people. It's not been easy. I often found myself crying at night on our roof and wondering why God had put me on a church-planting team knowing I had these fears.

Mexico was a really good place to be as God began to ask me to surrender these things. There is a gentleness and a kindness in the way people treat each other that I found getting past my barriers even on my most frustrating days. My goodbye to this place was a teary one, but hopefully short. I'm hoping to be back sometime in the next year. Even if I'm not I felt strangely encouraged as I walked the dusty streets of Kremmling with my dog today. It's hard to nail it down with words but I really think God changed a lot in me through my time in Mexico. Seeing this evidence of God's hand in my life makes the future, uncertain though it may be, seem very full of hope.

MDS

Sometimes the longer you put something off the harder and more awkward it is to actually begin. I am speaking of blogging. I really meant to blog more during my time in the MDS but until recently have never had a computer of my own. I seem to spend most of my borrowed computer time answering emails. Enough about that.

The MDS ended nearly a month ago and all my wonderful fellow students went home. I was able to stay here in Mexico an extra month and help out with all the guests we've had. For nearly a week we had six little kids in the house, and all but one of them were three or younger. It made me miss life with Marie's family. Her mom had a daycare and it was often noisy.

But before I attempt to rejoin the world of normal bloggers, it seems appropriate that I should pause and write a bit about the MDS. A sort of thanks and goodbye to a school that has been one of those life - changing bits of the journey.

When I first heard of the MDS (Missional Discipleship School) I had no intention of joining. Don't get me wrong, it was the thing I had been waiting for my church to do for ages. The problem was I didn't feel ready, I felt like I had messed up everything I'd touched for a long time (especially my relationships with people in the church), and I just wanted to leave for college and couldn't make that day come fast enough.

God had His own ideas and since He is God it is best to obey. It was one of those times where I attempt to respectfully pray something like, "Um, God, are You sure You know what You're doing?" I almost cried right in class the first few days because I was so scared of what the year would look like. As always, it turned out God did know what He was doing. (Duh.) As a result this year has really been life-changing. Not that I have become super-saint or anything, but I do feel like a somewhat dark chapter of my life has ended and this school has been the beginning of something new.

I think mostly what God has done is taken a lot of things He had taught me over the last few years and tied them together in a way that suddenly leaves me freer and more anchored. (I know that is somewhat a contradiction in terms. However, a leaf tossed by the waves is not free, but a captive of the sea. Meanwhile a boat with an anchor is free to stay or go by lifting or dropping the anchor.) I think God worked deeply in all our lives through this experience.

Our time living together in Mexico was definitely the most challenging. We are all more introverted personalities that need a little more space. The fact that God was really working in all of us seemed to make that more true. Living with ten people in one house was new for all of us. We had a lot of fun cooking together, praying every morning, and having crazy water fights. Usually these were started by Anissa or Joel, but I got the opportunity to help organize a group dousing of Mike, the pastor of the church in Colorado, when he visited on his birthday. Out of pure courtesy and politeness for his birthday I gave him the privilege of throwing a pitcher of watter on me in the battle that ensued. (Actually, Anissa pushed me in an effort to save herself, but that's a secret.) We also played many a game of Jungle Speed together, from which I still bear the scars of Claudia's nails.

Another important point about the MDS is that I killed my first scorpion.

I spent much of my time in Mexico wondering why God chose to send me and not someone else. He had to remind me over and over that I need to trust His choice. In the past I've made the mistake of not trusting God's choice, seeing someone I think is better for the job, and trying to be that person. It tends to be a disaster.

Despite us being a rather introverted group we all had the privilege of seeing a church birthed. Sometimes I would try to figure out how it was happening. None of us expected to see things happen as fast as they did. Just a week or two after we arrived another church donated all their stuff to us and joined themselves to us. Crazy and unexpected. The church here is not large at all but a bit bigger than we expected to see so soon.

Well that was long and a bit rambly and is about to come to one of my infamous sudden conclusions.

I miss all my fellow students of the MDS, hopefully it won't be too long before I can come visit Paris...

driving in mexico

The group of us that drove the cars joined the group that flew in Mexico City last night. It was a long three days of driving with all three of us. Sounded like the group that flew had a really hard time. Over half of them were sick and their flight was delayed due to mechanical difficulties.

I found the drive through the Mexican countryside lovely, however the part I really liked was the city. I ended up getting one of my turns behind the wheel for the last stretch of our trip. The part where we drive through the city. It was so much fun! I had to use all my driving skills, be constantly alert, and pull some moves just to keep up with the lead car. I have a special place in my heart for challenges that are intense enough to get my adrenaline going. There were a few times I felt like James Bond. Shawn was praying and honestly thought he was about to die. It was awesome! I am gonna like it here.

For the sake of my team you should probably all pray that I get smoother at this city driving. It would be sad if they all went home with gray hair at their age.

sent out

The last week has been busy. I'm trying to see most of my friends before I leave. This is pretty hard, I'm forgetting people.

There have been a lot of prayer for the team going to Mexico this week. A meeting where we prayed to be filled with the Holy Spirit. The housechurch we're all a part of prayed for us on Saturday night. Sunday the church all got around us and prayed for us.

Being sent out like this is not at all what I imagined it would be. It's all so new and different for all of us. I'm not really sure what it was I was expecting. Somehow this is entirely different. Sweeter, more solemn and happier. This last week has felt a little dream-like at moments. Maybe it's the mixture of being super excited at having a dream come true and also being super nervous and feeling all wrong for the honor of being sent.

I really thought I was not going to be a part of our first church plant. Two years ago I felt God very clearly ask me to surrender my desire to be a missionary outside of the U.S. I felt like God asked me to trust Him with the humiliation of not going when everyone knew it was what I had planned on since I was seven. So I surrenderd and began planning on not going anywhere anytime soon. Everyone else was planning the same I think. When I signed on with this school I didn't realize that we would be the first church planting team. I somehow thought we were doing something else. I would've been way more hesitant to come had I known. Crazy how God turns things upside down on you sometimes.

I'm driving to Mexico tomorrow or the day after so my next post will be from the city...